Disability etiquette video (Open on a heavy Elizabethan castle door facade. Cue hero music. Regan opens the door and rolls through, facing the camera. This is serious business.) REGAN: (Close up) Hi. I'm Regan. And this is the Disability Etiquette Video. (Change camera angle - Regan rolls toward the camera. You can now see she uses a manual wheelchair, and is dressed in a professional black suit.) This video will give YOU - other people with disabilities - some simple etiquette tools for dealing with the ignorant people that we have no choice but to encounter in our everyday lives. (Change camera angle to a side view of Regan. Was that camera angle change necessary?) As you can see, I use a wheelchair. (Regan gestures to her chair...Captain Obvious) So people say I (gesturing finger quotes) "have a disability." (Change camera angle again for ultimate dramatic effect. Close up on Regan.) Which qualifies me to host this video. (Camera angle changes again unnecessarily. Wide shot - Regan is on the stage of an outdoor Elizabethan theatre with tons of seats behind her. If we didn't take her seriously before, we will now...maybe? She does an un-artful spin and sweeps her arms in a presentational ballet style above her head.) Let's begin. REGAN V.O.: (Title card on black screen) Chapter one: handicapped parking. (Regan sits in a handicapped accessible parking space in an empty parking lot with trees behind her. She gestures to the parking space.) REGAN: Handicapped parking spaces are intended for people who can't walk far, or have wheelchair vans with ramps. (She rolls forward toward the camera) But some people use them to sit in their cars and eat ice cream, or as loading zones while they run into Starbucks. (A car nearly hits Regan as it pulls into the handicapped parking space. Car music plays loudly. A fashionably dressed woman with big sunglasses and a fancy purse gets out. She's talking on her cell phone.) SELF-CENTERED COFFEE ADDICT: (To Regan) I'll just be a minute. (She walks off toward the coffee shop. The camera pans back to Regan, who has positioned herself next to the woman's car tire.) REGAN: Sure. So will I. (Close-up on Regan's finger as she slowly lets the air out of tire) REGAN V.O. WITH TITLE CARD: Chapter two: Bar dudes. (Regan sits in front of a well-stocked bar.) REGAN: Sometimes drunk people who lack charisma will you use you to try to be funny in social situations. DRUNK GUY: (Walking up to Regan, holding an alcoholic drink) Hey anyone ever give you a lap dance in one of those things? (Two other drunk guys whoop and bounce their crotches into Regan's shoulders, so that she's caught between them) REGAN: (As she's being crotch-bounced) Hilarious but no. I do, however, recommend Nutsack Dances. (Regan, ninja-like, elbows both dancing guys in the nads, They crumble to the floor. Pleased, she releases jazz hands slowly in front of her face and smiles creepily) REGAN V.O. WITH TITLE CARD: Chapter three: Bathroom stalls (Regan sits next to the closed door of an accessible bathroom stall.) REGAN: People often use the larger accessible stalls to change their clothes or take shits. (Close up) Don't ask me why. Maybe they like the extra space for bearing down. Try not to yell at them or use obscenities. Simply use your body language to communicate your feelings. (A petite older woman, clearly not in need of the accessible stall, exits with an open book in her hands...which she's just been reading on the pot. She looks surprised.) OLDER WOMAN EXITING STALL: Oh! Oh I'm so sorry! I didn't realize you were in... (She closes her book and reaches out to usher Regan into the stall.) Here, let me help you... (Regan slams the stall door and glares at the woman. The woman takes off her glasses and cautiously turns to exit. Regan follows super-closely behind the woman as she tries to get away, approaching the camera. Regan stops when she reaches the camera, and looks at us with an awkward smile of victory.) REGAN V.O. WITH TITLE CARD: Chapter four: Questions from strangers (Regan sits in an office foyer, next to the elevator.) REGAN: Sometimes people who do not know you will ask you questions about yourself. Here are some possible ways to answer. REGAN: One. Honesty. (Regan pushes the elevator button. The door opens. A man with a golf hat and backpack walks out, sees Regan, and stops cold.) ELEVATOR DWELLER #1: Oh. Is that permanent? REGAN: YES. ELEVATOR DWELLER #1: Oh. Will you ever walk again? REGAN: (Can you believe this guy?!) NO. ELEVATOR DWELLER: Oh, well, I know what it's like because my sister? She fell over her wiener dog and she was confined to a wheelchair for... (Regan grabs his hand and pulls him out of the way) REGAN: Argggh, I DON'T CARE!! (Regan rolls into the elevator, leaving the man in the dust. Inside the elevator. Camera angle switches to an extreme closeup on Regan's face.) REGAN: Two: Remind them of the multitudes of tragedies that they may be dredging up with their question. (Camera pans to a man leaning against the wall of the elevator. He grimaces as he talks to Regan.) ELEVATOR DWELLER #2: Sooo, what put you in that wheelchair? REGAN: (Straight faced and serious, facing the man) My ex husband. He beat me with a some hedge clippers. Then blew up our house. And put our cockatiels (she faces the camera) in the wood chipper. (A moment, and then her face slightly twists with disgust) (Elevator dings, Regan rolls out, leaving Elevator Dweller #2 stunned. Outside of elevator) REGAN: Three: when in doubt, simply re-use the words that have already been presented. (Regan uses her head to indicate for the camera to follow her. She wheels over in front of a bathroom door. A lady exits, and is - woah! - caught off guard by seeing Regan.) ELEVATOR DWELLER #3: What happened to you? REGAN: What happened to YOU? ELEVATOR DWELLER #3: I mean your chair. REGAN: I mean your FACE. ELEVATOR DWELLER #3: I'm just asking a question... REGAN: I'M asking a question! (Regan smacks the button for the automatic door. It doesn't work. She smacks it again, and again. It's broken. Dammit. The lady quickly moves out of the way, just in time, before Regan barrels through the door. The lady is stunned, and quickly leaves.) MUSIC: "Move, bitch! Get out the way! Get out the way, bitch, get out the way!" REGAN V.O. WITH TITLE CARD: Chapter five: Floozies Seeking Inspiration (Regan rolls down an external hallway outside of a couple of shops. She speaks to the camera.) REGAN: Weak people like disabled people. Because we're strong. They may want to hug you to make themselves feel better. (A drunk floozie with long, messy hair stumbles along, passes Regan, and immediately turns around, holding the wall for stability.) FLOOZIE: Omigod you are sooooo beautiful and strong! I can feeeel your positivity! (Crouches as though talking to a child) Can I give you a hug? (She doesn't wait for an answer before hugging Regan. The camera swivels so we see Regan's face nestled in the back of the girl's hair.) REGAN: (Stroking the floozie's hair) Try to be friendly. After all, everyone needs love. And it presents the perfect opportunity for a cosmetology arts project. (Regan pulls out scissors and cuts girl's hair while hugging and looking at the camera. The girl pulls away, not realizing what happened. She continues to stumble down the hallway.) FLOOZIE: I just have to tell you that I have a lot of unresolved issues, because my brother was on crutches for about six months. So I can totally understand...Omigod, I'm gonna be sick... (She turns toward the wall and starts to retch. Regan stares straight at the camera with a stank face, and continues to chop the scissors next to the excised lock of hair while the girl vomits.) FLOOZIE: Oh my god...my eyes hurt. TITLE CARD: And so... (Close up on Regan with an elevator in the background) REGAN: Remember, people who lack the physical uniqueness of a disability like you and me...are people too. Try to put up with them. Because when it comes down to it, they could become Congressional Representatives who have the power to defund the social programs that enable us to remain independent, productive, and alive. (She hits the elevator button. The camera angle changes, and we now see her from inside the elevator. She turns to face the camera.) REGAN: In other words, try to be nice. So they don't fuck you over. (A bunch of walking people suddenly pull Regan's chair backward and shove in front of her to get in the elevator.) REGAN: (Through the bodies) Happy trails! (Credits roll) Written and created by Regan Linton Camera and Editing: Carlo Alban Starring: Host - Regan Linton Self-Centered Coffee Addict - Christiana Clark Bar Dudes - Rex Young, Armando McClain, Danforth Comins Bathroom Stall Woman - Eileen DeSandre Strangers With Questions - Tyrone Kenneth Wilson, Cristopher Jean, Kate Hurster Floozie - Allison Buck Elevator Stormers - Amy Hutcheson, Jill Rendall Additional Technical Support - Ezra and Joshua Special thanks to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival and all of the real-life people who inspired these segments.