How To Talk TO Anyone 92 Little Tricks For Big Success In

How To Talk TO Anyone 92 Little Tricks For Big Success In
Copyright © 2003 by Leil Lowndes. All rights reserved. Manufactured in the United States of America.
Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be
reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
The material in this eBook also appears in the print version of this title: 0-07-141858-X
All trademarks are trademarks of their respective owners. Rather than put a trademark symbol after
every occurrence of a trademarked name, we use names in an editorial fashion only, and to the benefit
of the trademark owner, with no intention of infringement of the trademark. Where such designations
appear in this book, they have been printed with initial caps.
McGraw-Hill eBooks are available at special quantity discounts to use as premiums and sales promotions, or for use in corporate training programs. For more information, please contact George
Hoare, Special Sales, at or (212) 904-4069.
This is a copyrighted work and The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. (“McGraw-Hill”) and its licensors
reserve all rights in and to the work. Use of this work is subject to these terms. Except as permitted
under the Copyright Act of 1976 and the right to store and retrieve one copy of the work, you may not
decompile, disassemble, reverse engineer, reproduce, modify, create derivative works based upon,
transmit, distribute, disseminate, sell, publish or sublicense the work or any part of it without
McGraw-Hill’s prior consent. You may use the work for your own noncommercial and personal use;
any other use of the work is strictly prohibited. Your right to use the work may be terminated if you
fail to comply with these terms.
PARTICULAR PURPOSE. McGraw-Hill and its licensors do not warrant or guarantee that the functions contained in the work will meet your requirements or that its operation will be uninterrupted or
error free. Neither McGraw-Hill nor its licensors shall be liable to you or anyone else for any inaccuracy, error or omission, regardless of cause, in the work or for any damages resulting therefrom.
McGraw-Hill has no responsibility for the content of any information accessed through the work.
Under no circumstances shall McGraw-Hill and/or its licensors be liable for any indirect, incidental,
special, punitive, consequential or similar damages that result from the use of or inability to use the
work, even if any of them has been advised of the possibility of such damages. This limitation of liability shall apply to any claim or cause whatsoever whether such claim or cause arises in contract, tort
or otherwise.
DOI: 10.1036/0071433341
Want to learn more?
We hope you enjoy this McGraw-Hill eBook! If you d like
more information about this book, its author, or related books
and websites, please click here.
There are two kinds of
people in this life:
Those who walk into a room and say,
“Well, here I am!”
And those who walk in and say,
“Ahh, there you are.”
This page intentionally left blank.
For more information about this title, click here.
✰ Contents
Introduction: How to Get Anything You Want
from Anybody (Well, at Least Have
the Best Crack at It!) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi
Part One: How to Intrigue Everyone Without
Saying a Word: You Only Have Ten
Seconds to Show You’re a Somebody . . . . . 1
1 How to Make Your Smile Magically Different. . . . . . . . . 5
2 How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and
Insightful by Using Your Eyes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
3 How to Use Your Eyes to Make Someone Fall in
Love with You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14
4 How to Look Like a Big Winner Wherever You Go. . . . 17
5 How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their
“Inner Infant” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
6 How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend
at Once . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
7 How to Come Across as 100 Percent Credible
to Everyone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
8 How to Read People Like You Have ESP . . . . . . . . . . . 35
9 How to Make Sure You Don’t Miss a Single Beat . . . . . 39
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
Part Two: How to Know What to Say After
You Say “Hi” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
10 How to Start Great Small Talk. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
11 How to Sound Like You’ve Got a Super
Personality (No Matter What You’re Saying!) . . . . . . 51
12 How to Make People Want to Start a
Conversation with You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56
13 How to Meet the People You Want to Meet . . . . . . . . . 59
14 How to Break into a Tight Crowd . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
15 How to Make “Where Are You From?”
Sound Exciting. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
16 How to Come Out a Winner Every Time
They Ask, “And What Do You Do?” . . . . . . . . . . . . 68
17 How to Introduce People Like the Host(ess)
with the Most(est) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71
18 How to Resuscitate a Dying Conversation . . . . . . . . . . 73
19 How to Enthrall ’Em with Your Choice of
Topic—Them! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76
20 How to Never Need to Wonder, “What Do I
Say Next?” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
21 How to Get ’Em Happily Chatting (So You Can
Slip Away if You Want To!) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82
22 How to Come Across as a Positive Person . . . . . . . . . . 87
23 How to Always Have Something Interesting
to Say . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89
Part Three: How to Talk Like a VIP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93
24 How to Find Out What They Do (Without Even
Asking!). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95
25 How to Know What to Say When They Ask,
“What Do You Do?”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98
26 How to Sound Even Smarter Than You Are . . . . . . . . 103
27 How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover
Your Similarity) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
28 How to Be a “You-Firstie” to Gain Their Respect
and Affection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110
29 How to Make Them Feel You “Don’t Smile at
Just Anybody” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115
30 How to Avoid Sounding Like a Jerk. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119
31 How to Use Motivational Speakers’ Techniques to
Enhance Your Conversation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121
32 How to Banter Like the Big Shots Do (Big
Winners Tell It Like It Is) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127
33 How to Avoid the World’s Worst Conversational
Habit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
34 How to Give Them the Bad News (and Have
Them Like You All the More). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
35 How to Respond When You Don’t Want to
Answer (and Wish They’d Shut the Heck Up) . . . . . 134
36 How to Talk to a Celebrity. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136
37 How to Make Them Want to Thank You . . . . . . . . . 140
Part Four: How to Be an Insider in Any Crowd:
What Are They All Talking About? . . . . 143
38 How to Be a Modern-Day Renaissance Man
or Woman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145
39 How to Sound Like You Know All About Their
Job or Hobby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150
40 How to Bare Their Hot Button (Elementary
Doc-Talk) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154
41 How to Secretly Learn About Their Lives . . . . . . . . . 157
42 How to Talk When You’re in Other Countries . . . . . . 161
43 How to Talk Them into Getting the “Insider’s
Price” (on Practically Anything You Buy) . . . . . . . . 165
Part Five: How to Sound Like You’re Peas in
a Pod: “Why, We’re Just Alike!”. . . . . . . . 171
How to Make Them Feel You’re of the Same “Class” . 173
How to Make Them Feel That You’re Like “Family”. . 176
How to Really Make It Clear to Them . . . . . . . . . . . 182
How to Make Them Feel You Empathize (Without
Just Saying “Yep, Uh Huh, Yeah”) . . . . . . . . . . . . . 186
48 How to Make Them Think You See/Hear/Feel It
Just the Way They Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 188
49 How to Make ’Em Think We (Instead of You
vs. Me) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 192
50 How to Create a Friendly “Private Joke” with Them . . 195
Part Six: How to Differentiate the Power of
Praise from the Folly of Flattery . . . . . . 199
51 How to Compliment Someone (Without Sounding
Like You’re Brownnosing) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202
52 How to Be a “Carrier Pigeon” of Good Feelings . . . . 204
53 How to Make ’Em Feel Your Admiration “Just
Slipped Out” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207
54 How to Win Their Hearts by Being an “Undercover
Complimenter” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 209
55 How to Make ’Em Never Forget You with a “Killer
Compliment” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211
56 How to Make ’Em Smile with “Itty-Bitty Boosters”. . 214
57 How to Praise with Perfect Timing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 217
58 How to Make ’Em Want to Compliment You . . . . . . 220
59 How to Make a Loved One Feel You Are THE
Partner for Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 224
Part Seven: How to Direct Dial Their Hearts . . . . 229
60 How to Sound More Exciting on the Phone . . . . . . . 231
61 How to Sound Close (Even if You’re Hundreds
of Miles Away) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 234
62 How to Make ’Em Happy They Called You. . . . . . . . 236
63 How to Sneak Past the Gatekeeper . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 240
64 How to Get What You Want on the Phone from
Big Shots . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 242
65 How to Get What You Want—by Timing! . . . . . . . . 245
66 How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing
Voicemail Message . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 248
67 How to Get Them to Call You Back . . . . . . . . . . . . . 252
68 How to Make the Gatekeeper Think You’re
Buddy-Buddy with the VIP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 255
69 How to Make Them Say You Have Super Sensitivity . 257
70 How to “Listen Between the Lines” on the Phone . . . 259
Part Eight: How to Work a Party Like a Politician
Works a Room: The Politician’s SixPoint Party Checklist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265
How to Avoid the Most Common Party Blooper . . . . 270
How to Make an Unforgettable Entrance . . . . . . . . . 272
How to Meet the People YOU Want to Meet . . . . . . 274
How to Subliminally Lure People to You at
a Gathering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 278
75 How to Make ’Em Feel Like a Movie Star . . . . . . . . . 281
76 How to Amaze Them with What You Remember
About Them . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 285
77 How to Make the Sale with Your Eyeballs . . . . . . . . . 288
Part Nine: How to Break the Most Treacherous
Glass Ceiling of All: Sometimes People
Are Tigers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 293
78 How to Win Their Affection by Overlooking
Their Bloopers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 296
79 How to Win Their Heart When Their Tongue
Is Faltering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 300
80 How to Let ’Em Know “What’s in It” for Them . . . . 303
How to Make Them Want to Do Favors for You . . . . 306
How to Ask for Favors (and Get Them!) . . . . . . . . . . 309
How to Know What Not to Say at Parties . . . . . . . . . 311
How to Know What Not to Say at Dinner . . . . . . . . 314
How to Know What Not to Say in a Chance
Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 317
How to Prepare Them to Listen to You . . . . . . . . . . . 319
How to Turn Their Anger Around (in Three
Sentences or Less) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 322
How to Make ’Em Like You (Even When
You’ve Messed Up) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 325
How to Trap a Rat with Class . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 327
How to Get Whatever You Want from Service
Personnel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 330
How to Be a Leader in a Crowd, Not a Follower . . . . 333
How to Make All the Right Moves . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 336
Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 343
✰ Introduction
How to Get Anything You Want
from Anybody (Well, at Least
Have the Best Crack at It!)
Have you ever admired those successful people who seem to“have
it all”? You see them chatting confidently at business meetings or
comfortably at social parties. They’re the ones with the best jobs,
the nicest spouses, the finest friends, the biggest bank accounts, or
the most fashionable zip codes.
But wait a minute! A lot of them aren’t smarter than you.
They’re not more educated than you. They’re not even better looking! So what is it? (Some people suspect they inherited it. Others
say they married it or were just plain lucky. Tell them to think
again.) What it boils down to is their more skillful way of dealing with fellow human beings.
You see, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, people
who seem to “have it all” have captured the hearts and conquered
the minds of hundreds of others who helped boost them, rung by
rung, to the top of whatever corporate or social ladder they chose.
Wanna-bes wandering around at the foot of the ladder often
gaze up and grouse that the big boys and big girls at the top are
snobs. When big players don’t give them their friendship, love, or
business, they call them “cliquish” or accuse them of belonging to
an “old-boy network.” Some grumble they hit their heads against
a “glass ceiling.”
The complaining Little Leaguers never realize the rejection
was their own fault. They’ll never know they blew the affair, the
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
friendship, or the deal because of their own communications fumbles. It’s as though well-liked people have a bag of tricks, a magic,
or a Midas touch that turns everything they do into success.
What’s in their bag of tricks? You’ll find a lot of things: a substance that solidifies friendships, a wizardry that wins minds, and
a magic that makes people fall in love with them. They also possess a quality that makes bosses hire and then promote, a characteristic that keeps clients coming back, and an asset that makes
customers buy from them and not the competition. We all have a
few of those tricks in our bags, some more than others. Those with
a whole lot of them are big winners in life. How to Talk to Anyone
gives you ninety-two of these little tricks they use every day so
you, too, can play the game to perfection and get whatever you
want in life.
How the “Little Tricks” Were Unveiled
Many years ago, a drama teacher, exasperated at my bad acting in
a college play, shouted, “No! No! Your body is belying your words.
Every tiny movement, every body position,” he howled, “divulges
your private thoughts. Your face can make seven thousand different expressions, and each exposes precisely who you are and what
you are thinking at any particular moment.” Then he said something I’ll never forget: “And your body! The way you move is your
autobiography in motion.”
How right he was! On the stage of real life, every physical
move you make subliminally tells everyone in eyeshot the story of
your life. Dogs hear sounds our ears can’t detect. Bats see shapes
in the darkness that elude our eyes. And people make moves that
are beneath human consciousness but have tremendous power to
attract or repel. Every smile, every frown, every syllable you utter,
or every arbitrary choice of word that passes between your lips can
draw others toward you or make them want to run away.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
Men—did your gut feeling ever tell you to jump ship on a
deal? Women—did your women’s intuition make you accept or
reject an offer? On a conscious level, we may not be aware of what
the hunch is. But like the ear of the dog or the eye of the bat, the
elements that make up subliminal sentiments are very real.
Imagine, please, two humans in a complex box wired with circuits to record all the signals flowing between the two. As many
as ten thousand units of information flow per second. “Probably
the lifetime efforts of roughly half the adult population of the
United States would be required to sort the units in one hour’s
interaction between two subjects,” a University of Pennsylvania
communications authority estimates.1
With the zillions of subtle actions and reactions zapping back
and forth between two human beings, can we come up with concrete techniques to make our every communication clear, confident, credible, and charismatic?
Determined to find the answer, I read practically every book
written on communications skills, charisma, and chemistry
between people. I explored hundreds of studies conducted around
the world on what qualities made up leadership and credibility.
Intrepid social scientists left no stone unturned in their quest to
find the formula. For example, optimistic Chinese researchers,
hoping charisma might be in the diet, went so far as to compare
the relationship of personality type to the catecholamine level in
subjects’ urine.2 Needless to say, their thesis was soon shelved.
Dale Carnegie Was GREAT for the
Twentieth Century, but This Is the
Most of the studies simply confirmed Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic,
How to Win Friends and Influence People.3 His wisdom for the ages
said success lay in smiling, showing interest in other people, and
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
making them feel good about themselves. “That’s no surprise,” I
thought. It’s as true today as it was more than sixty years ago.
So if Dale Carnegie and hundreds of others since offer the
same astute advice, why do we need another book telling us how
to win friends and influence people? Two mammoth reasons.
Reason One: Suppose a sage told you, “When in China,
speak Chinese,” but gave you no language lessons? Dale Carnegie
and many communications experts are like that sage. They tell us
what to do but not how to do it. In today’s sophisticated world,
it’s not enough to say “smile” or “give sincere compliments.” Cynical businesspeople today see more subtleties in your smile, more
complexities in your compliment. Accomplished or attractive people are surrounded by smiling sycophants feigning interest and
fawning all over them. Prospects are tired of salespeople who say,
“The suit looks great on you,” when their fingers are caressing cash
register keys. Women are wary of suitors who say, “You are beautiful,” when the bedroom door is in view.
Reason Two: The world is a very different place than it was
in 1936, and we need a new formula for success. To find it, I
observed the superstars of today. I explored techniques used by
top salespeople to close the sale, speakers to convince, clergy to
convert, performers to engross, sex symbols to seduce, and athletes to win.
I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that
lead to their success. Then I broke them down into easily digestible,
news-you-can-use techniques. I gave each a name that will quickly
come to mind when you find yourself in a communications conundrum. As I developed the techniques, I began sharing them with
audiences around the country. Participants in my communications
seminars gave me their ideas. My clients, many of them CEOs of
Fortune 500 companies, enthusiastically offered their observations.
When I was in the presence of the most successful and
beloved leaders, I analyzed their body language and their facial
expressions. I listened carefully to their casual conversations, their
timing, and their choice of words. I watched as they dealt with
their families, friends, associates, and adversaries. Every time I
detected a little nip of magic in their communicating, I asked
them to pluck it out with tweezers and expose it to the bright light
of consciousness. We analyzed it together, and I then turned it
into an easy-to-do “little trick” others could duplicate and profit
My findings and the strokes of some of those very effective
folks are in this book. Some are subtle. Some are surprising. But
all are achievable. When you master them, everyone from new
acquaintances to family, friends, and business associates will happily open their hearts, homes, companies, and even wallets to give
you whatever they can.
There’s a bonus. As you sail through life with your new communications skills, you’ll look back and see some very happy givers
smiling in your wake.
This page intentionally left blank.
How to Intrigue
Everyone Without
Saying a Word
You Only Have Ten Seconds to
Show You’re a Somebody
The exact moment that two humans lay eyes on each other has
awesome potency. The first sight of you is a brilliant holograph.
It burns its way into your new acquaintance’s eyes and can stay
emblazoned in his or her memory forever.
Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, fleeting
emotional response. My friend Robert Grossman is an accomplished caricature artist who draws regularly for Forbes, Newsweek,
Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone, and other popular publications.
Bob has a unique gift for capturing not only the physical appearance of his subjects, but for zeroing in on the essence of their personalities. The bodies and souls of hundreds of luminaries radiate
from his sketch pad. One glance at his caricatures of famous people and you can actually “see” their personalities.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Sometimes at a party, Bob will do a quick sketch on a cocktail napkin of a guest. Hovering over Bob’s shoulder, the onlookers gasp as they watch their friend’s image and essence materialize
before their eyes. When he’s finished drawing, he puts his pen
down and hands the napkin to the subject. Often a puzzled look
comes over the subject’s face. He or she usually mumbles some
politeness like, “Well, er, that’s great. But it really isn’t me.”
The crowd’s convincing crescendo of “Oh yes it is!” drowns
the subject out and squelches any lingering doubt. The confused
subject is left to stare back at the world’s view of himself or herself in the napkin.
Once when I was visiting Bob’s studio, I asked him how he
could capture people’s personalities so well. He said, “It’s simple.
I just look at them.”
“No,” I asked, “How do you capture their personalities? Don’t
you have to do a lot of research about their lifestyle, their history?”
“No, I told you, Leil, I just look at them.”
He went on to explain, “Almost every facet of people’s personalities is evident from their appearance, their posture, the way
they move. For instance . . .” he said, calling me over to a file where
he kept his caricatures of political figures.
“See,” Bob said, pointing to angles on various presidential body
parts, “here’s the boyishness of Clinton,” showing me his half smile;
“the awkwardness of the elder George Bush,” pointing to his shoulder angle; “the charm of Reagan,” noting the ex-president’s smiling
eyes; “the shiftiness of Nixon,” pointing to the furtive tilt of his
head. Digging a little deeper into his file, he pulled out Franklin
Delano Roosevelt and, pointing to the nose high in the air, “Here’s
the pride of FDR.” It’s all in the face and the body.
First impressions are indelible. Why? Because in our fastpaced, information-overload world of multiple stimuli bombarding us every second, people’s heads are spinning. They must form
How to Intrigue Everyone Without Saying a Word
quick judgments to make sense of the world and get on with what
they have to do. So, whenever people meet you, they take an
instant mental snapshot. That image of you becomes the data they
deal with for a very long time.
Your Body Shrieks Before Your
Lips Can Speak
Are their data accurate? Amazingly enough, yes. Even before your
lips part and the first syllable escapes, the essence of YOU has
already axed its way into their brains. The way you look and the
way you move is more than 80 percent of someone’s first impression of you. Not one word need be spoken.
I’ve lived and worked in countries where I didn’t speak the
native language. Yet, without one understandable syllable spoken
between us, the years proved my first impressions were on target.
Whenever I met new colleagues, I could tell instantly how friendly
they felt toward me, how confident they were, and approximately
how much stature they had in the company. I could sense, just
from seeing them move, who the heavyweights were and who were
the welterweights.
I have no extrasensory skill. You’d know, too. How? Because
before you have had time to process a rational thought, you get a
sixth sense about someone. Studies have shown emotional reactions occur even before the brain has had time to register what’s
causing that reaction.4 Thus the moment someone looks at you,
he or she experiences a massive hit, the impact of which lays the
groundwork for the entire relationship. Bob told me he captures
that first hit in creating his caricatures.
Deciding to pursue my own agenda for How to Talk to Anyone, I asked, “Bob, if you wanted to portray somebody really
cool—you know, intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled, fascinating, caring, interested in other people. . . .”
How to Talk to Anyone
“Easy,” Bob interrupted. He knew precisely what I was getting at. “Just give ’em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident
smile, and a direct gaze.” It’s the ideal image for somebody who’s
a Somebody.
How to Look Like a Somebody
My friend Karen is a highly respected professional in the homefurnishings business. Her husband is an equally big name in the
communications field. They have two small sons.
Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event,
everyone pays deference to her. She’s a very important person in
that world. Her colleagues at conventions jostle for position just
to be seen casually chatting with her and, they hope, be photographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles like Home
Furnishings Executive and Furniture World.
Yet, Karen complains, when she accompanies her husband to
communications functions, she might as well be a nobody. When
she takes her kids to school functions, she’s just another mom. She
once asked me, “Leil, how can I stand out from the crowd so people who don’t know me will approach me and at least assume I’m
an interesting person?” The techniques in this section accomplish
precisely that. When you use the next nine techniques, you will
come across as a special person to everyone you meet. You will
stand out as a Somebody in whatever crowd you find yourself in,
even if it’s not your crowd.
Let’s start with your smile.
✰1 How to Make Your
Smile Magically
In 1936, one of Dale Carnegie’s six musts in How to Win Friends
and Influence People was SMILE! His edict has been echoed each
decade by practically every communications guru who ever put
pen to paper or mouth to microphone. However, at the turn of
the millennium, it’s high time we reexamine the role of the smile
in high-level human relations. When you dig deeper into Dale’s
dictum, you’ll find a 1936 quick smile doesn’t always work. Especially nowadays.
The old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with today’s
sophisticated crowd. Look at world leaders, negotiators, and corporate giants. Not a smiling sycophant among them. Key players
in all walks of life enrich their smile so, when it does erupt, it has
more potency and the world smiles with them.
Researchers have catalogued dozens of different types of
smiles. They range from the tight rubber band of a trapped liar to
the soft squishy smile of a tickled infant. Some smiles are warm
while others are cold. There are real smiles and fake smiles. (You’ve
seen plenty of those plastered on the faces of friends who say they’re
“delighted you decided to drop by,” and presidential candidates visiting your city who say they’re “thrilled to be in, uh . . . uh. . . .”)
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Big winners know their smile is one of their most powerful
weapons, so they’ve fine-tuned it for maximum impact.
How to Fine-Tune Your Smile
Just last year, my old college friend Missy took over her family
business, a Midwestern company supplying corrugated boxes to
manufacturers. One day she called saying she was coming to New
York to court new clients and she invited me to dinner with several of her prospects. I was looking forward to once again seeing
my friend’s quicksilver smile and hearing her contagious laugh.
Missy was an incurable giggler, and that was part of her charm.
When her Dad passed away last year, she told me she was taking over the business. I thought Missy’s personality was a little
bubbly to be a CEO in a tough business. But, hey, what do I know
about the corrugated box biz?
She, three of her potential clients, and I met in the cocktail
lounge of a midtown restaurant and, as we led them into the dining room, Missy whispered in my ear, “Please call me Melissa
“Of course,” I winked back, “not many company presidents
are called Missy!” Soon after the maître d’ seated us, I began noticing Melissa was a very different woman from the giggling girl I’d
known in college. She was just as charming; she smiled as much
as ever. Yet something was different. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
Although she was still effervescent, I had the distinct impression everything Melissa said was more insightful and sincere. She
was responding with genuine warmth to her prospective clients,
and I could tell they liked her, too. I was thrilled because my
friend was scoring a knockout that night. By the end of the evening, Melissa had three big new clients.
How to Make Your Smile Magically Different
Afterward, alone with her in the cab, I said, “Missy, you’ve
really come a long way since you took over the company. Your
whole personality has developed, well, a really cool, sharp corporate edge.”
“Uh uh, only one thing has changed,” she said.
“What’s that?”
“My smile,” she said.
“Your what?” I asked incredulously.
“My smile,” she repeated as though I hadn’t heard her. “You
see,” she said, with a distant look coming into her eyes, “when Dad
got sick and knew in a few years I’d have to take over the business,
he sat me down and had a life-changing conversation with me. I’ll
never forget his words. Dad said, ‘Missy, Honey, remember that
old song, “I Loves Ya, Honey, But Yer Feet’s Too Big”? Well, if
you’re going to make it big in the box business, let me say, “I loves
ya, Honey, but your smile’s too quick.” ’
“He then brought out a yellowed newspaper article quoting a
study he’d been saving to show me when the time was right. It concerned women in business. The study showed women who were
slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible.”
As Missy talked, I began to think about history-making
women like Margaret Thatcher, Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir,
Madeleine Albright, and other powerful women of their ilk. Not
one was known for her quick smile.
Missy continued, “The study went on to say a big, warm smile
is an asset. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it
has more credibility.” From that moment on, Missy explained, she
gave clients and business associates her big smile. However, she
trained her lips to erupt more slowly. Thus her smile appeared
more sincere and personalized for the recipient.
That was it! Missy’s slower smile gave her personality a richer,
deeper, more sincere cachet. Though the delay was less than a sec-
How to Talk to Anyone
ond, the recipients of her beautiful big smile felt it was special and
just for them.
I decided to do more research on the smile. When you’re in
the market for shoes, you begin to look at everyone’s feet. When
you decide to change your hairstyle, you look at everyone’s haircut. Well, for several months, I became a steady smile watcher. I
watched smiles on the street. I watched smiles on TV. I watched
the smiles of politicians, the clergy, corporate giants, and world
leaders. My findings? Amid the sea of flashing teeth and parting
lips, I discovered the people perceived to have the most credibility and integrity were just ever so slower to smile. Then, when they
did, their smiles seemed to seep into every crevice of their faces
and envelop them like a slow flood. Thus I call the following technique “The Flooding Smile.”
Technique #1
The Flooding Smile
Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet
someone, as though anyone who walked into your line
of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the
other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their
persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood
over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will
engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second
delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine
and only for them.
Let us now travel but a few inches north to two of the most
powerful communications tools you possess, your eyes.
✰2 How to Strike Everyone as
Intelligent and Insightful
by Using Your Eyes
It’s only a slight exaggeration to say Helen of Troy could launch
ships with her eyes and Davy Crockett could stare down a bear.
Your eyes are personal grenades that have the power to detonate
people’s emotions. Just as martial arts masters register their fists as
lethal weapons, you can register your eyes as psychological lethal
weapons when you master the following eye-contact techniques.
Beloved people in the game of life look beyond the conventional wisdom that teaches “Keep good eye contact.” For one, they
understand that to certain suspicious or insecure people, intense
eye contact can be a virulent intrusion.
When I was growing up, my family had a Haitian housekeeper whose fantasies were filled with witches, warlocks, and
black magic. Zola refused to be left alone in a room with Louie,
my Siamese cat. “Louie looks right through me—sees my soul,”
she’d whisper to me fearfully.
In some cultures, intense eye contact is sorcery. In others, staring at someone can be threatening or disrespectful. Realizing this,
big players in the international scene prefer to pack a book on cultural body-language differences in their carry-on rather than a
Berlitz phrase book. In our culture, however, big winners know
exaggerated eye contact can be extremely advantageous, especially
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
between the sexes. In business, even when romance is not in the
picture, strong eye contact packs a powerful wallop between men
and women.
A Boston center conducted a study to learn the precise effect.5
The researchers asked opposite-sex individuals to have a twominute casual conversation. They tricked half their subjects into
maintaining intense eye contact by directing them to count the
number of times their partner blinked. They gave the other half
of the subjects no special eye-contact directions for the chat.
When they questioned the subjects afterward, the unsuspecting blinkers reported significantly higher feelings of respect and
fondness for their colleagues who, unbeknownst to them, had simply been counting their blinks.
I’ve experienced the closeness intense eye contact engenders
with a stranger firsthand. Once, when giving a seminar to several
hundred people, one woman’s face in the crowd caught my attention. The participant’s appearance was not particularly unique. Yet
she became the focus of my attention throughout my talk. Why?
Because not for one moment did she take her eyes off my face.
Even when I finished making a point and was silent, her eyes
stayed hungrily on my face. I sensed she couldn’t wait to savor the
next insight to spout from my lips. I loved it! Her concentration
and obvious fascination inspired me to remember stories and make
important points I’d long forgotten.
Right after my talk, I resolved to seek out this new friend who
was so enthralled by my speech. As people were leaving the hall,
I quickly sidled up behind my big fan. “Excuse me,” I said. My
fan kept walking. “Excuse me,” I repeated a tad louder. My
admirer didn’t vary her pace as she continued out the door. I followed her into the corridor and tapped her shoulder gently. This
time she whirled around with a surprised look on her face. I mumbled some excuse about my appreciating her concentration on my
talk and wanting to ask her a few questions.
How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by Using Your Eyes
“Did you, uh, get much out of the seminar?” I ventured.
“Well, not really,” she answered candidly. “I had difficulty
understanding what you were saying because you were walking
around on the platform facing different directions.”
In a heartbeat, I understood. The woman was hearing
impaired. I did not captivate her as I had suspected. She was not
intrigued by my talk as I had hoped. The only reason she kept her
eyes glued on my face was because she was struggling to read my
Nevertheless, her eye contact had given me such pleasure and
inspiration during my talk that, tired as I was, I asked her to join
me for coffee. I spent the next hour recapping my entire seminar
just for her. Powerful stuff this eye contact.
Make Your Eyes Look Even
More Intelligent
There is yet another argument for intense eye contact. In addition
to awakening feelings of respect and affection, maintaining strong
eye contact gives you the impression of being an intelligent and
abstract thinker. Because abstract thinkers integrate incoming data
more easily than concrete thinkers, they can continue looking into
someone’s eyes even during the silences. Their thought processes
are not distracted by peering into their partner’s peepers.6
Back to our valiant psychologists. Yale researchers, thinking
they had the unswerving truth about eye contact, conducted
another study that, they assumed, would confirm “the more eye
contact, the more positive feelings.” This time, they directed subjects to deliver a personally revealing monologue. They asked the
listeners to react with a sliding scale of eye contact while their partners talked.
The results? All went as expected when women told their personal stories to women. Increased eye contact encouraged feelings
How to Talk to Anyone
of intimacy. But, whoops, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men
felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men
felt threatened. Some few even suspected their partner was more
interested than he should be and wanted to slug him.
Your partner’s emotional reaction to your profound gaze has
a biological base. When you look intently at someone, it increases
their heartbeat and shoots an adrenalinelike substance gushing
through their veins.7 This is the same physical reaction people have
when they start to fall in love. And when you consciously increase
your eye contact, even during normal business or social interaction, people will feel they have captivated you.
Men talking to women and women talking to men or women:
use the following technique, which I call “Sticky Eyes,” for the joy
of the recipient—and for your own advantage. (Guys, I’ll have a
man-to-man modification of this technique for you in a moment.)
Technique #2
Sticky Eyes
Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation
partner’s with sticky warm taffy. Don’t break eye
contact even after he or she has finished speaking.
When you must look away, do it ever so slowly,
reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny
string finally breaks.
What About Guys’ Eyes?
Now gentlemen: when talking to men, you, too, can use Sticky
Eyes. Just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal
matters with other men, lest your listener feel threatened or misinterpret your intentions. But do increase your eye contact slightly
How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by Using Your Eyes
more than normal with men on day-to-day communications—
and a lot more when talking to women. It broadcasts a visceral
message of comprehension and respect.
I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes
across as an arrogant chap. He doesn’t mean to, but sometimes his
brusque manner makes it look like he’s running roughshod over
people’s feelings.
Once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant, I
told him about the Sticky Eyes technique. I guess he took it to
heart. When the waiter came over, Sammy, uncharacteristically,
instead of bluntly blurting out his order with his nose in the menu,
looked at the waiter. He smiled, gave his order for the appetizer,
and kept his eyes on the waiter’s for an extra second before looking down again at the menu to choose the main dish. I can’t tell
you how different Sammy seemed to me just then! He came across
as a sensitive and caring man, and all it took was two extra seconds of eye contact. I saw the effect it had on the waiter, too. We
received exceptionally gracious service the rest of the evening.
A week later Sammy called me and said, “Leil, Sticky Eyes has
changed my life. I’ve been following it to a T. With women, I
make my eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky. And now
everybody’s treating me with such deference. I think it’s part of
the reason I’ve made more sales this week than all last month!”
If you deal with customers or clients in your professional life,
Sticky Eyes is a definite boon to your bottom line. To most people in our culture, profound eye contact signals trust, knowledge,
an “I’m here for you” attitude.
Let’s carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medicine that has the power to kill or cure, the next eye-contact technique has the potential to captivate or annihilate.
✰3 How to Use Your Eyes
to Make Someone Fall
in Love with You
Now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery: very sticky eyes or
superglue eyes. Let’s call them “Epoxy Eyes.” Big bosses use Epoxy
Eyes to evaluate employees. Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to
intimidate suspected criminals. And clever Romeos use Epoxy
Eyes to make women fall in love with them. (If romance is your
goal, Epoxy Eyes is a proven aphrodisiac.)
The Epoxy Eyes technique takes at least three people to pull
off—you, your target, and one other person. Here’s how it works.
Usually, when you’re chatting with two or more people, you gaze
at the person who is speaking. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique
suggests you concentrate on the listener—your target—rather than
the speaker. This slightly disorients the target and he or she silently
asks, “Why is this person looking at me instead of the speaker?”
Your target senses you are extremely interested in his or her reactions. This can be beneficial in certain business situations when it
is appropriate that you judge the listener.
Human resources professionals often use Epoxy Eyes, not as
a technique, but because they are sincerely interested in a prospective employee’s reaction to certain ideas being presented.
Attorneys, bosses, police investigators, psychologists, and others
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Use Your Eyes to Make Someone Fall in Love with You
who must examine subjects’ reactions also use Epoxy Eyes for analytical purposes.
When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest
blended with complete confidence in yourself. But because Epoxy
Eyes puts you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else,
you must be careful. Don’t overdo it or you could come across as
arrogant and brazen.
Technique #3
Epoxy Eyes
This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch
your target person even when someone else is talking.
No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or
woman you want to impact.
Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a
gentler, yet effective, form. Watch the speaker but let your glance
bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point. This
way Mr. or Ms. Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her
reactions, yet there is relief from the intensity.
Use Epoxy Eyes to Push Their
Erotic Button
If romance is on the horizon, Epoxy Eyes transmits yet another
message. It says, “I can’t take my eyes off you” or “I only have eyes
for you.” Anthropologists have dubbed eyes “the initial organ of
romance” because studies show intense eye contact plays havoc
with our heartbeat.8 It also releases a druglike substance into our
How to Talk to Anyone
nervous system called phenylethylamine. Since this is the hormone
detected in the human body during erotic excitement, intense eye
contact can be a turn-on.
Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women—if they
find you attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to
your untoward gaze as budding infatuation. If she does not like
you, however, your Epoxy Eyes is downright obnoxious. (Never
use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get
✰4 How to Look Like a
Big Winner Wherever
You Go
Do you remember the lyrics to the old Shirley Bassey song? “The
minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction—a real big spender. Good looking, so refined. Say
wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on in my mind?”
The goal of this first section is not to make you look like a
real big spender. Rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big
Somebody the moment people lay eyes on you. To that end, we
now explore the most important technique to make you look like
a very important person.
When the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little hammer, your foot jerks forward. Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction.
Your body has another instinctive reaction. When a big jolt of happiness hits your heart and you feel like a winner, your head jerks
up automatically and you throw your shoulders back. A smile
frames your lips and softens your eyes.
This is the look winners have constantly. They stand with
assurance. They move with confidence. They smile softly with
pride. No doubt about it—good posture symbolizes that you are
a man or woman who is used to being on top.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids’ shoulder blades, and trillions of teachers telling
students, “Stand up straight!” hasn’t done the trick. We are a
nation of slouchers. We need a technique more stern than teachers and more persuasive than parents to make us stand like a
In one profession, perfect posture, perfect equilibrium, perfect balance is not only desirable—it’s a matter of life and death.
One false move, one slump of the shoulders, one hangdog look,
can mean curtains for the high-wire acrobat.
I’ll never forget the first time Mama took me to the circus.
When seven men and women raced into the center ring, the
crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips. They
cheered with one thunderous voice. Mama pressed her lips against
my ear and reverently whispered these were the Great Wallendas, the only troupe in the world to perform the seven-person
pyramid without a net.
In an instant, the crowd became hushed. Not a cough or a
soda slurp was heard in the big top as Karl and Herman Wallenda
shouted cues in German to their trusting relatives. The family
meticulously and majestically ascended into the position of a
human pyramid. They then balanced precariously on a thin wire
hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net between them
and sudden death. The vision was unforgettable.
To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the
seven Wallendas racing into the center of the big top to take their
bows. Each perfectly aligned—head high, shoulders back—standing so tall it still didn’t seem like their feet were touching the
ground. Every muscle in their bodies defined pride, success, and
their joy of being alive. (Still!) Here is a visualization technique to
get your body looking like a winner who is in the habit of feeling
that pride, success, and joy of being alive.
How to Look Like a Big Winner Wherever You Go
Your Posture Is Your Biggest
Success Barometer
Imagine you are a world-renowned acrobat, master of the iron-jaw
act waiting in the wings of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Soon you will dart into the center ring to captivate the
crowd with the precision and balance of your body.
Before walking through any door—the door to your office, a
party, a meeting, even your kitchen—picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher
than your head. As you pass through the door, throw your head
back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip that first pulls your
cheeks back into a smile and then lifts you up. As you ascend high
above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect alignment—head high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet weightless. At the zenith of the tent, you spin like a graceful top to the
amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to
watch you. Now you look like a Somebody.
One day, to test Hang by Your Teeth, I decided to count how
many times I walked through a doorway: sixty times, even at
home. You calculate: twice out your front door, twice in, six times
to the bathroom, eight times to the kitchen, and through countless doors at your office. It adds up. Visualize anything sixty times
a day and it becomes a habit! Habitual good posture is the first
mark of a big winner.
You are now ready to float into the room to captivate the
crowd or close the sale (or maybe just settle for looking like the
most important Somebody in the room).
You now have all the basics Bob the artist needs to portray
you as a big winner. Like he said, “great posture, a heads-up look,
a confident smile, and a direct gaze.” The ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #4
Hang by Your Teeth
Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame
of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with
it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the
peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth,
every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.
Now let’s put the whole act into motion. It’s time to turn your
attention outward to your conversation partner. Use the next two
techniques to make him or her feel like a million.
✰5 How to Win Their
Heart by Responding to
Their “Inner Infant”
Remember the old joke? The comic comes onstage and the first
words out of his mouth are, “Well, how do you like me so far?”
The audience always cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask
that question. Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously
or subconsciously, how they’re reacting to us.
Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us?
Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are?
We like those people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away,
obviously unimpressed by our magnificence. The cretins!
Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies
sniffing each other out. We don’t have tails that wag or hair that
bristles. But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands
that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up “I
submit” position. We have dozens of other involuntary reactions
that take place in the first few moments of togetherness.
Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this.
They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They
watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far forward or back you’re leaning while answering their questions. They
check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up, signifying
acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making a
slight fist, knuckles out, signaling rejection? They scrutinize your
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing
relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages or
the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assistant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note
of your every fidget.
An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do
this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are
sharper observers of subtle body cues than males. Women, more
sensitive to emotions than men, often ask their husbands, “Is
something bothering you, Honey?” (These supersensitive women
accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they
wouldn’t notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched
in her tears.)
The attorney and the assistant then review your “score” on the
dozens of subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their
tally, you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your
thumbs back in the juror’s waiting room.
Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the
1960s during the famous trial of the Chicago Seven, defense attorney William Kuntsler actually made a legal objection to Judge
Julius Hoffman’s posture. During the summation by the prosecution, Judge Hoffman leaned forward, which, accused Kuntsler,
sent a message to the jury of attention and interest. During his
defense summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned
back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest.
You’re on Trial—and You Only Have
Ten Seconds
Like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case,
everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether
they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the
same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken question, “Well, how do you like me so far?”
How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant”
The first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon
which the entire relationship will be played out. If you ever want
anything from the new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to
their unspoken question, “How do you like me so far?” must be,
“Wow! I really like you.”
When a little four year old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his
arms up in front of his chest, steps back, and hides behind
Mommy’s skirt. However, when little Johnny sees Daddy come
home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he
opens his arms for a hug. A loving child’s body is like a tiny flower
bud unfolding to the sunshine.
Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of life on earth make little difference. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps
and folds his arms in front of his chest. When he wants to reject
a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off
with a myriad of body signals. However, when welcoming his
loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to
her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a
Treat People Like Big Babies
Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive,
recently divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter
with one of the leading advertising agencies which, like so many
companies then, had downsized. My girlfriend was both out of
work and out of a relationship.
At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both
personally and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood
talking, one good-looking corporate male beast or another would
find himself within a few feet of us. More often than not, one of
these desirable males would flash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes
graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her
shoulder. But then she’d turn back to our mundane conversation
How to Talk to Anyone
as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she was
trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, “Why
doesn’t he come speak to us?”
Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, because
of Carla’s minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle,
I had to say, “Carla, do you know who that was? He’s the head of
the Young & Rubicam in Paris. They’re looking for copywriters
willing to relocate. And he’s single!” Carla moaned.
Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla’s left knee.
“Hello!” We looked down simultaneously. Little five-year-old
Willie, the hostess’s adorable young son, was tugging on Carla’s
skirt, obviously craving attention.
“Well, well, well,” Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over
her face. Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down, touched
little Willie’s elbow, and crooned, “Well, hello there, Willie. How
are you enjoying Mommy’s nice party?”
Little Willie beamed.
When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments
of the next group of potential attention givers, Carla and I
returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate
beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes and she continued
casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none
of them was making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue.
Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my
teeth, I said, “Carla, have you been noticing that four or five men
have come over and smiled at you.”
“Yes,” Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the
room lest anyone overhear us.
“And you’ve been giving them little half smiles,” I continued.
“Yes,” she murmured, now confused at my question.
“Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your
skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of
yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up
How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant”
“Yee-es,” she answered haltingly.
“Well, I have a request, Carla. I want you to give the next man
who smiles at you that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you
to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out
and touch his arm like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him
into our conversation.”
“Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.”
“Carla, do it!” Sure enough, within a few minutes, another
attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role
to perfection. She flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward
him, and said, “Hello, come join us.” He wasted no time accepting Carla’s invitation.
After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my
departure because they were in animated conversation. The last
glimpse I had of my friend at the party was her floating out the
door on the arm of her new friend.
Just then the technique I call “The Big-Baby Pivot” was born.
It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from
whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate
Technique #5
The Big-Baby Pivot
Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The
instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new
acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body
turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny
tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious
face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin.
Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts “I
think you are very, very special.”
How to Talk to Anyone
Remember, buried deep inside everyone is a big baby who is
rattling the crib, wailing out for recognition of how very special
he or she is.
The following technique reinforces the big baby’s suspicion
that he or she is, indeed, the center of the universe.
✰6 How to Make Someone
Feel Like an Old Friend
at Once
A very wise man with the funny name of Zig9 once told me, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much
you care . . . about them.” Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them!
Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given
moment. Even if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their
respect, your Flooding Smile and The Big-Baby Pivot are making
them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts
and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence.
Every inch—from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of
your feet—must give a command performance if you want to
effectively present an “I care about you” attitude.
Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in overdrive. Remember Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar? He said of Cassius,
he “has a lean and hungry look . . . he thinks too much . . . such
men are dangerous.” So it is with our brains when conversing with
a new acquaintance. Our brains become lean. (Some of us are
fighting off shyness. Others are frantically sizing up the situation.)
And hungry. (We’re deciding what, if anything, we want from this
potential relationship.) So we think too much instead of respond27
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
ing with candid, unself-conscious friendliness. Such actions are
dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce.
When our bodies are shooting off ten thousand bullets of
stimuli every second, a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shyness or hidden hostility. We need a technique to ensure every shot
aims right at the heart of our subject. We need to trick our bodies into reacting perfectly.
To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry
about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body language. It’s when we feel none. That happens when we’re chatting
with close friends. When we see someone we love or feel completely comfortable with, we respond warmly from head to toe
without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step closer. Our arms
reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn
up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend.
How to Trick Your Body into Doing
Everything Right
Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guarantees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. I call
it “Hello Old Friend.”
When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In
your mind’s eye, see him or her as an old friend, someone you had
a wonderful relationship with years ago. But somehow you lost
track of your friend. You tried so hard to find your good buddy,
but there was no listing in the phone book. No information online.
None of your mutual friends had a clue.
Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the
two of you are reunited. You are so happy.
That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not
going to try to convince the new person that the two of you are
really old friends. You are not going to hug and kiss and say, “Great
to see you again!” or “How have you been all these years?” You
How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend at Once
merely say, “Hello,” “How do you do,” “I am pleased to meet
you.” But, inside, it’s a very different story.
You will amaze yourself. The delight of rediscovery fills your
face and buoys up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say
if you were a light, you’d beam on the other person. If you were
a dog, you’d be wagging your tail. You make this new person feel
very special indeed.
Technique #6
Hello Old Friend
When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old
friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone
else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has
reunited you with your long-lost old friend!
The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain
reaction in your body from the subconscious softening
of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes—and
everything between.
In my seminars, I first have people introduce themselves to
another participant before they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend
technique. The group chats as though at a pleasant semiformal
gathering. Later I ask them to introduce themselves to another
stranger, imagining they are old friends. The difference is extraordinary. When they’re using Hello Old Friend, the room comes
alive. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air
sparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are standing
closer, laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. I
feel like I’m attending a terrific bash that’s been going on for hours.
How to Talk to Anyone
Not a Word Need Be Spoken
The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. Whenever you’re traveling in countries where you don’t speak the native
tongue, be sure to use it. If you find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a language unknown to you, just imagine them to be a group of your old friends. Everything is fine
except they momentarily forgot how to speak English. In spite of
the fact you won’t understand a word, your whole body still
responds with congeniality and acceptance.
I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while traveling in
Europe. Sometimes my English-speaking friends who live there
tell me their European colleagues say I am the friendliest American they’ve ever met. Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us!
A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a
self-fulfilling prophecy. When you act as though you like someone,
you start to really like them. An Adelphi University study called,
appropriately, “Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors
Making the Beliefs Come True” proved it.10 Researchers told volunteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they liked them.
When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up
genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also
surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher respect and
affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them. What
it boils down to is love begets love, like begets like, respect begets
respect. Use the Hello Old Friend technique and you will soon have
many new “old friends” who wind up genuinely liking you.
You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you
meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn’t over
yet. In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intelligent, and sure of yourself. Each of the next three techniques
accomplishes one of those goals.
✰7 How to Come Across
as 100 Percent Credible
to Everyone
My friend Helen is a highly respected headhunter. She makes terrific hires for her clients and I once asked her the secret of her success. Helen replied, “Probably because I can almost always tell
when an applicant is lying.”
“How can you tell?”
She said, “Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young
woman for a position as marketing director for a small firm.
Throughout the interview, the applicant had been sitting with her
left leg crossed over her right. Her hands were comfortably resting in her lap and she was looking directly at me.
“I asked her salary. Without swerving her eyes from mine, she
told me. I asked if she enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at
me, she said, ‘yes.’ Then I asked her why she left her previous job.
“At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaining eye contact with me.” Helen continued. “Then, while answering my question, she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg
over her left. At one point, she put her hands up to her mouth.”
Helen said, “That’s all I needed. With her words she was
telling me she felt her ‘growth opportunities were limited at her
previous firm.’ But her body told me she was not being entirely
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Helen went on to explain the young woman’s fidgeting alone
wouldn’t prove she was lying. Nevertheless, it was enough, she said,
that she wanted to pursue the subject further.
“So I tested it.” Helen explained. “I changed the subject and
went back to more neutral territory. I asked her about her goals
for the future. Again, the girl stopped fidgeting. She folded her
hands in her lap as she told me how she’d always wanted to work
in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with
more than one project.
“Then I repeated my earlier question. I asked again if it was
only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her previous position. Sure enough, once again, the woman shifted in her
seat and momentarily broke eye contact. As she continued talking
about her last job, she started rubbing her forearm.”
Helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the
truth. The applicant had been fired because of a nasty disagreement with the marketing director for whom she worked.
Human resources professionals who interview applicants and
police officers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to
detect lies. They know specifically what signals to look for. The
rest of us, although not knowledgeable about specific clues to
deceit, have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth.
Just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an inhouse booking agent. After interviewing one fellow she said to me,
“I don’t know. I don’t really think he has the success he claims.”
“You think he’s lying to you?” I asked.
“Absolutely. And the funny thing is I can’t tell why. He looked
right at me. He answered all my questions directly. There was just
something that didn’t seem right.”
Employers often feel this way. They have a gut feeling about
someone but they can’t put their finger on it. Because of that,
many large companies turn to the polygraph, or lie detector, a
mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying.
How to Come Across as 100 Percent Credible to Everyone
Banks, drugstores, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for preemployment screening. The FBI, Justice Department, and most
police departments have used the polygraph on suspects. Interestingly, the polygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can
do is detect fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system—
changes in breathing patterns, sweating, flushing, heart rate, blood
pressure, and other signs of emotional arousal.
So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when
the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and
bodily changes do take place. When that happens, the individual
might fidget. Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the
Beware of the Appearance of Lying—
Even When You’re Telling the Truth
Problems arise for us when we are not lying but are feeling emotional or intimidated by the person with whom we are talking. A
young man telling an attractive woman about his business success
might shift his weight. A woman talking about her company’s
track record to an important client could rub her neck.
More problems arise out of the atmosphere. A businessman
who doesn’t feel nervous at all could loosen his collar because the
room is hot. A politician giving a speech outdoors could blink
excessively because the air is dusty. Even though erroneous, these
fidgety movements give the listeners the sense something just isn’t
right or a gut feeling that the speaker is lying.
Professional communicators, alert to this hazard, consciously
squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They fix a
constant gaze on the listener. They never put their hands on their
faces. They don’t massage their arm when it tingles or rub their
nose when it itches. They don’t loosen their collar when it’s hot or
blink because it’s sandy. They don’t wipe away tiny perspiration
How to Talk to Anyone
beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun. They suffer
because they know fidgeting undermines credibility. Consider the
infamous September 25, 1960, televised presidential debate
between Richard Milhous Nixon and John Fitzgerald Kennedy.
Political pundits speculate Nixon’s lack of makeup, his fidgeting,
and mopping his brow on camera lost him the election.
If you want to come across as an entirely credible Somebody,
try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communication counts. I call the technique “Limit the Fidget.”
Technique #7
Limit the Fidget
Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose
itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not
fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above
all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand
motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your
listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.
Now let’s tackle intelligence. “What?” you ask. “Can people
come across as more intelligent than they really are?” Well, did
you ever hear of Hans, the counting horse? Hans was considered
the most intelligent horse in history, and he used the technique
I’m about to suggest.
✰8 How to Read People
Like You Have ESP
Hans, a very clever horse, inspires this next technique. Hans was
owned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to
do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof. So prodigious
was Hans’s ability that the horse’s fame quickly spread throughout
Europe in the early 1900s. He became known as Clever Hans, the
counting horse.
Herr von Osten taught Hans to do more than just add. Soon
the horse could subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even
mastered the multiplication tables. The horse became quite a phenomenon. Without his owner uttering a single word, Hans could
count out the size of his audience, tap the number wearing glasses,
or respond to any counting question they asked him.
Finally, Hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man
from animal—language. Hans “learned” the alphabet. By tapping
out hoof beats for each letter, he answered any question about anything humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio. He
could even answer common questions about history, geography,
and human biology.
Hans made headlines and was the main topic of discussion at
dinner parties throughout Europe. The “human horse” quickly
attracted the attention of scientists, psychology professors, veteri35
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
narians, even cavalry officers. Naturally they were skeptical, so
they established an official commission to decide whether the horse
was a case of clever trickery or equine genius. Whatever their suspicions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Compared to other horses, Hans was a Somebody.
Cut to today. Why is it when you talk with certain individuals you just know they are smarter than other people—that they
are a Somebody? Often they’re not discussing highfalutin subjects
or using two-dollar words. Nevertheless, everybody knows. People say, “She’s smart as a whip,” “He doesn’t miss a trick,” “She
picks up on everything,” “He’s got the right stuff,” “She’s got horse
sense.” Which brings us back to Hans.
The day of the big test arrived. Everyone was convinced it
must be a trick orchestrated by Herr von Osten, Hans’s owner. It
was standing room only in the auditorium filled with scientists,
reporters, clairvoyants, psychics, and horse lovers who eagerly
awaited the answer. The canny commission members were confident this was the day they would expose Hans as chicanery
because they, too, had a trick up their sleeves. They were going
to bar von Osten from the hall and put his horse to the test all
When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must
leave the auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans
was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious
The confident commission leader asked Hans the first mathematical question. He tapped out the right answer! A second. He
got it right! Then a third. Then the language questions followed.
He got them all right!
The commission was befuddled. The critics were silenced.
However, the public wasn’t. With a great outcry, they insisted
on a new commission. The world waited while, once again, the
authorities gathered scientists, professors, veterinarians, cavalry
officers, and reporters from around the world.
How to Read People Like You Have ESP
Only after this second commission put Hans to the test did
the truth about the clever horse come out. Commission number
two started the enquiry perfunctorily with a simple addition problem. This time, however, instead of asking the question out loud
for all to hear, one researcher whispered a number in Hans’s ear,
and a second researcher whispered another. Everyone expected
Hans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans remained dumb! Aha!
The researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you
guess what that was?
Here’s a hint: when the audience or researcher knew the
answer, Hans did, too. Now can you guess?
People gave off very subtle body-language signals the moment
Hans’s hoof gave the right number of taps. When Hans started
tapping the answer to a question, the audience would show subtle signs of tension. Then, when Hans reached the right number,
they responded by an expulsion of breath or slight relaxation of
muscles. Von Osten had trained Hans to stop tapping at that point
and therefore appear to give the right answer.
Hans was using the technique I call “Hans’s Horse Sense.” He
watched his audiences’ reactions very carefully and planned his
responses accordingly.
If a Horse Can Do It, So Can You
Have you ever been watching TV when the phone rings? Someone
asks you to hit the mute button on the television so they can talk.
Because there’s no sound now, you watch the TV action more carefully. You see performers smiling, scowling, smirking, squinting,
and scores of other expressions. You don’t miss a bit of the story
because, just from their expressions, you can tell what they’re thinking. Hans’s Horse Sense is just that—watching people, seeing how
they’re reacting, and then making your moves accordingly. Even
while you’re talking, keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how
they’re responding to what you’re saying. Don’t miss a trick.
How to Talk to Anyone
Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They
like what they’re hearing.
Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched? Maybe they don’t.
Are they rubbing their necks? Are they stepping back? Are
their feet pointing toward the door? Maybe they want to get away.
You don’t need a complete course in body language here.
Already your life’s experience has given you a good grounding in
that. Most people know if their conversation partners step back or
look away, they’re not interested in what you’re saying. When they
think you’re a pain in the neck they rub theirs. When they feel
superior to you, they steeple their hands.
We’ll explore more body-language specifics in Technique #77:
Eyeball Selling. For the moment, all you need to do is tune to the
silent channel being broadcast by the speaker.
Technique #8
Hans’s Horse Sense
Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking.
Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your
listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan
your moves accordingly.
If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say
you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick.
You’ve got horse sense.
You now have eight techniques to help you come across as a
confident, credible, and charismatic person who makes everyone
he or she comes in contact with feel like a million. Let’s explore
one last technique in this section to put it all together and make
sure you don’t miss a beat.
✰9 How to Make
Sure You Don’t Miss
a Single Beat
You’ve seen professional skiing on television? The athlete at the top
of the piste, every muscle primed and poised, waiting for the gun
to propel him to ultimate victory. Look deeply into his eyes and
you’ll see he is having an out-of-body experience. In his mind’s
eye, the skier is swooshing down the slope, zapping back and forth
between the poles, and sliding across the finish line in faster time
than the world thought possible. The athlete is visualizing.
All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers,
lugers, swimmers, skaters, acrobats. They visualize their magic
before performing it. They see their own bodies bending, twisting, flipping, or flying through the air. They hear the sound of the
wind, the splash in the water, the whirr of the javelin, the thud of
its landing. They smell the grass, the cement, the pool, the dust.
Before they move a muscle, professional athletes watch the whole
movie, which, of course, ends in their own victory.
Sports psychologists tell us visualization is not just for toplevel competitive athletes. Studies show mental rehearsal helps
weekend athletes sharpen their golf, their tennis, their running,
whatever their favorite activity. Experts agree if you see the pictures, hear the sounds, and feel the movements of your body in
your mind before you do the activity, the effect is powerful.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
“Twenty-Six Miles on My Mattress”
Psychological mumbo jumbo? Absolutely not! My friend Richard
runs marathons. Once, several years ago, a scant three weeks
before the big New York marathon, an out-of-control car crashed
into Richard’s and he was taken to the hospital. He was not badly
injured. Nevertheless, his friends felt sorry for him because being
laid up two weeks in bed would, naturally, knock him out of the
big event.
What a surprise when, on that crisp November marathon
morning in Central Park, Richard showed up in his little shorts
and big running shoes.
“Richard, are you crazy? You’re in no shape to run. You’ve
been in bed these past few weeks!” we all cried out.
“My body may have been in bed,” he replied, “but I’ve been
“What?” we asked in unison.
“Yep. Every day. Twenty-six miles, 385 yards, right there on
my mattress.” Richard explained that in his imagination he saw
himself traversing every step of the course. He saw the sights,
heard the sounds, and felt the twitching movements in his muscles. He visualized himself racing in the marathon.
Richard didn’t do as well as he had the year before, but the
miracle is he finished the marathon, without injury, without excessive fatigue thanks to his visualization. It works in just about any
endeavor you apply it to—including being a terrific communicator.
Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only
when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear, vivid
images. Do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car
before leaving for the party, the convention, or the big-deal meeting. See it all in your mind’s eye ahead of time.
You now have the skills necessary to get you started on the
right foot with any new person in your life. Think of yourself in
How to Make Sure You Don’t Miss a Single Beat
Technique #9
Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene
Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be
ahead of time. SEE yourself walking around with Hang
by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the
Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. HEAR yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the
pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone
is gravitating toward you. VISUALIZE yourself a Super
Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.
these first moments like a rocket taking off. When the folks at
Cape Kennedy aim a spacecraft for the moon, a mistake in the
millionth of a degree at the beginning, when the craft is still on
the ground, means missing the moon by thousands of miles. Likewise, a tiny body-language blooper at the outset of a relationship
may mean you will never make a hit with that person. But with
The Flooding Smile, Sticky Eyes, Epoxy Eyes, Hang by Your
Teeth, The Big-Baby Pivot, Hello Old Friend, Limit the Fidget,
Hans’s Horse Sense, and Watch the Scene Before You Make the
Scene, you’ll be right on course to get whatever you eventually
want from anybody—be it business, friendship, or love.
We now move from the silent world to the spoken word.
This page intentionally left blank.
How to Know What
to Say After You
Say “Hi”
Just as the first glimpse should please their eyes, your first words
should delight their ears. Your tongue is a welcome mat embossed
with either “Welcome” or “Go Away!” To make your conversation
partner feel welcome, you must master small talk.
Small talk! Can you hear the shudder? Those two little words
drive a stake into the hearts of some otherwise fearless and
undaunted souls. Invite them to a party where they don’t know
anyone, and it mainlines queasiness into their veins.
If this sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the
brighter the individual, the more he or she detests small talk.
When consulting for Fortune 500 companies, I was astounded.
Top executives, completely comfortable making big talk with their
boards of directors or addressing their stockholders, confessed they
felt like little lost children at parties where the pratter was less than
Small-talk haters take further consolation from the fact that
you are in star-studded company. Fear of small talk and stage
fright are the same thing. The butterflies you feel in your stomach when you’re in a roomful of strangers flutter ’round the tum43
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
mies of top performers. Pablo Casals complained of lifelong stage
fright. Carly Simon curtailed live performances because of it. A
friend of mine who worked with Neil Diamond said he insisted
the words to “Song Sung Blue,” a tune he’d been crooning for forty
years, be displayed on his teleprompter, lest fear freeze him into
Is Small-Talk-a-Phobia Curable?
Someday, scientists say, communications fears may be treatable
with drugs. They’re already experimenting with Prozac to change
people’s personalities. But some fear disastrous side effects. The
good news is that when human beings think, and genuinely feel,
certain emotions—like confidence that they have specific techniques to fall back on—the brain manufactures its own antidotes.
If fear and distaste of small talk is the disease, knowing solid techniques like the ones we explore in this section is the cure.
Incidentally, science is beginning to recognize it’s not chance
or even upbringing that one person has a belly of butterflies and
another doesn’t. In our brains, neurons communicate through
chemicals called neurotransmitters. Some people have excessive
levels of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, a chemical
cousin of adrenaline. For some children, just walking into a kindergarten room makes them want to run and hide under a table.
As a tot, I spent a lot of time under the table. As a preteen in
an all-girls boarding school, my legs turned to linguine every time
I had to converse with a male. In eighth grade, I once had to invite
a boy to our school prom. The entire selection of dancing males
lived in the dormitory of our brother school. And I only knew one
resident, Eugene. I had met Eugene at summer camp the year
before. Mustering all my courage, I decided to call him.
Two weeks before the dance, I felt the onset of sweaty palms.
I put the call off. One week before, rapid heartbeat set in. I put
How to Know What to Say After You Say “Hi”
the call off. Finally, three days before the big bash, breathing
became difficult. Time was running out.
The critical moment, I rationalized, would be easier if I read
from a script. I wrote out the following: “Hi, this is Leil. We met
at camp last summer. Remember?” (I programmed in a pause
where I hoped he would say “yes.”) “Well, National Cathedral
School’s prom is this Saturday night and I’d like you to be my
date.” (I programmed in another pause where I prayed he’d say
On Thursday before the dance, I could no longer delay the
inevitable. I picked up the receiver and dialed. Clutching the
phone waiting for Eugene to answer, my eyes followed perspiration droplets rolling down my arm and dripping off my elbow. A
small salty puddle was forming around my feet. “Hello?” a sexy,
deep male voice answered the dorm phone.
In faster-than-a-speeding-bullet voice, like a nervous novice
telemarketer, I shot out, “Hi, this is Leil. We-met-at-camp—lastsummer-remember?” Forgetting to pause for his assent, I raced on,
To my relief and delight, I heard a big, cheerful “Oh that’s
great, I’d love to!” I exhaled my first normal breath all day. He continued, “I’ll pick you up at the girl’s dorm at 7:30. I’ll have a pink
carnation for you. Will that go with your dress? And my name is
Donnie? Donnie! Who said anything about Donnie?
Well, Donnie turned out to be the best date I had that decade.
Donnie had buckteeth, a head full of tousled red hair, and communications skills that immediately put me at ease.
On Saturday night, Donnie greeted me at the door, carnation
in hand and grin on face. He joked self-deprecatingly about how
he was dying to go to the prom so, knowing it was a case of mistaken identity, he accepted anyway. He told me he was thrilled
How to Talk to Anyone
when “the girl with the lovely voice” called, and he took full
responsibility for “tricking” me into an invitation. Donnie made
me comfortable and confident as we chatted. First we made small
talk and then he gradually led me into subjects I was interested in.
I flipped over Donnie, and he became my very first boyfriend.
Donnie instinctively had the small-talk skills that we are now
going to fashion into techniques to help you glide through small
talk like a hot knife through butter. When you master them, you
will be able—like Donnie—to melt the heart of everyone you
The goal of How to Talk to Anyone is not, of course, to make
you a small-talk whiz and stop there. The aim is to make you a
dynamic conversationalist and forceful communicator. However,
small talk is the first crucial step toward that goal.
10 How to Start Great
Small Talk
You’ve been there. You’re introduced to someone at a party or business meeting. You shake hands, your eyes meet . . . and suddenly
your entire body of knowledge dries up and thought processes
come to a screeching halt. You fish for a topic to fill the awkward
silence. Failing, your new contact slips away in the direction of the
cheese tray.
We want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling,
witty, and insightful. We want our listeners to immediately recognize how riveting we are. I was once at a gathering where everybody was sparkling, witty, insightful, and riveting. It drove me
berserk because most of these same everybodies felt they had to
prove it in their first ten words or less!
Several years ago, the Mensa organization, a social group of
extremely bright individuals who score in the country’s top 2 percent in intelligence, invited me to be a keynote speaker at their
annual convention. Their cocktail party was in full swing in the
lobby of the hotel as I arrived. After checking in, I hauled my bags
through the hoard of happy-hour Mensans to the elevator. The
doors separated and I stepped into an elevator packed with party
goers. As we began the journey up to our respective floors, the elevator gave several sleepy jerks.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
“Hmm,” I remarked, in response to the elevator’s sluggishness, “the elevator seems a little flaky.” Suddenly, each elevator
occupant, feeling compelled to exhibit his or her 132-plus IQ,
pounced forth with a thunderous explanation. “It’s obviously got
poor rail-guide alignment,” announced one. “The relay contact is
not made up,” declared another. Suddenly I felt like a grasshopper trapped in a stereo speaker. I couldn’t wait to escape the attack
of the mental giants.
Afterward, in the solitude of my room, I thought back and
reflected that the Mensans’ answers were, indeed, interesting. Why
then did I have an adverse reaction? I realized it was too much,
too soon. I was tired. Their high energy and intensity jarred my
sluggish state.
You see, small talk is not about facts or words. It’s about music,
about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. It’s about
making comforting noises together like cats purring, children
humming, or groups chanting. You must first match your listener’s
Like repeating the note on the music teacher’s harmonica, top
communicators pick up on their listener’s tone of voice and duplicate it. Instead of jumping in with such intensity, the Mensans
could have momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying,
“Yes, it is slow, isn’t it?” Had they then prefaced their information
with, “Have you ever been curious why an elevator is slow?” I
would have responded with a sincere “Yes, I have.” After a moment
of equalized energy levels, I would have welcomed their explanations about the rail-guard alignment or whatever the heck it was.
And friendships might have started.
I’m sure you’ve suffered the aggression of a mood mismatch.
Have you ever been relaxing when some overexcited, hot-breathed
colleague starts pounding you with questions? Or the reverse:
you’re late, rushing to a meeting, when an associate stops you and
starts lazily narrating a long, languorous story. No matter how
interesting the tale, you don’t want to hear it now.
How to Start Great Small Talk
The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it
is to match your listener’s mood, if only for a sentence or two.
When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your listener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. I call it “Make a Mood
Matching Their Mood Can Make
or Break the Sale
Matching customers’ moods is crucial for salespeople. Some years
ago, I decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend Stella.
It was going to be a triple-whammy party because she was celebrating three events. One, it was Stella’s birthday. Two, she was
newly engaged. And three, Stella had just landed her dream job.
She had been my buddy since grade school, and I was floating on
air over her birthday-engagement-congratulations bash.
I had heard one of the best French restaurants in town had an
attractive back room for parties. About 5 p.m. one afternoon, I
wafted happily into the restaurant and found the seated maître d’
languidly looking over his reservation book. I began excitedly babbling about Stella’s triple-whammy celebration and asked to see
that fabulous back room I’d heard so much about. Without a smile
or moving a muscle, he said, “Zee room ees een zee back. You can
go zee eet eef you like.”
CRASH. What a party pooper! His morose mood kicked all
the party spirit out of me, and I no longer wanted to rent his stupid space. Before I even looked at the room, he lost the rental. I
left his restaurant vowing to find a place where the management
would at least appear to share the joy of the happy occasion.
Every mother knows this instinctively. To quiet a whimpering
infant, Mama doesn’t just shake her finger and shout, “Quiet
down.” No, Mama picks baby up. Mama cries, “Ooh, ooh, oh,”
sympathetically matching baby’s misery for a few moments. Mama
then gradually transitions the two of them into hush-hush happy
How to Talk to Anyone
sounds. Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood if you
want them to stop crying, start buying, or otherwise come ’round
to your way of thinking.
Technique #10
Make a Mood Match
Before opening your mouth, take a “voice sample” of
your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a
“psychic photograph” of the expression to see if your
listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever
want to bring people around to your thoughts, you
must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a
11 How to Sound Like
You’ve Got a Super
Personality (No Matter
What You’re Saying!)
Once while at a party, I spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club
of avid listeners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, and obviously enthralling his audience. I went over to hearken to this fascinating speaker. I joined his throng of admirers and eavesdropped
for a minute or two. Suddenly, it dawned on me: the fellow was
saying the most banal things! His script was dull, dull, dull. Ah,
but he was delivering his prosaic observations with such passion,
and therefore, he held the group spellbound. It convinced me that
it’s not all what you say, it’s how you say it.
“What’s a Good Opening Line When
I Meet People?”
I am often asked this question, and I give them the same answer
a woman who once worked in my office always gave me. Dottie
often stayed at her desk to work through lunch. Sometimes, as I
was leaving for the sandwich shop, I’d ask her, “Hey Dottie, what
can I bring you back for lunch?”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Dottie, trying to be obliging, would say, “Oh anything is fine
with me.”
“No, Dottie!” I wanted to scream. “Tell me what you want.
Ham ’n’ cheese on rye? Bologna on whole wheat, hold the mayo?
Peanut butter ’n’ jelly with sliced bananas? Be specific. ‘Anything’
is a hassle.”
Frustrating though it may be, my answer to the opening-line
question is “Anything!” because almost anything you say really is
OK—as long as it puts people at ease and sounds passionate.
How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are
OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you
break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust.
Why Banal Makes a Bond
Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and
brilliant linguistic analyst of Japanese origin. He tells us this story
that shows the value of, as he says, “unoriginal remarks.”11
In early 1943—after the attack on Pearl Harbor at a time when
there were rumors of Japanese spies—Hayakawa had to wait several hours in a railroad station in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He noticed
others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously.
Because of the war, they were apprehensive about his presence. He
later wrote, “One couple with a small child was staring with special uneasiness and whispering to each other.”
So what did Hayakawa do? He made unoriginal remarks to
set them at ease. He said to the husband that it was too bad the
train should be late on so cold a night. The man agreed.
“I went on,” Hayakawa wrote, “to remark that it must be especially difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train
schedules were so uncertain. Again the husband agreed. I then
asked the child’s age and remarked that their child looked very big
How to Sound Like You’ve Got a Super Personality
and strong for his age. Again agreement, this time with a slight
smile. The tension was relaxing.”
After two or three more exchanges, the man asked Hayakawa,
“I hope you don’t mind my bringing it up, but you’re Japanese, aren’t
you? Do you think the Japs have any chance of winning this war?”
“Well,” Hayakawa replied, “your guess is as good as mine. I
don’t know any more than I read in the papers. But the way I figure it, I don’t see how the Japanese, with their lack of coal and
steel and oil . . . can ever beat a powerfully industrialized nation
like the United States.”
Hayakawa went on, “My remark was admittedly neither original nor well informed. Hundreds of radio commentators . . . were
saying much the same thing during those weeks. But just because
they were, the remark sounded familiar and was on the right side
so that it was easy to agree with.”
The Wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like
genuine relief. His next remark was, “Say, I hope your folks aren’t
over there while the war is going on.”
“Yes, they are,” Hayakawa replied. “My father and mother and
two young sisters are over there.”
“Do you ever hear from them?” the man asked.
“How can I?” Hayakawa answered.
Both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic.
“Do you mean you won’t be able to see them or hear from them
until after the war is over?”
There was more to the conversation but the result was, within
ten minutes they had invited Hayakawa—whom they initially may
have suspected was a Japanese spy—to visit them sometime in
their city and have dinner in their home. And all because of this
brilliant scholar’s admittedly common and unoriginal small talk.
Top communicators know the most soothing and appropriate first
words should be, like Senator Hayakawa’s, unoriginal, even banal.
How to Talk to Anyone
But not indifferent. Hayakawa delivered his sentiments with sincerity and passion.
Ascent from Banality
It is not necessary, of course, to stay with mundane remarks. If
you find your company displays cleverness or wit, you match that.
The conversation then escalates naturally, compatibly. Don’t rush
it or, like the Mensans, you seem like you’re showing off. The bottom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own
triteness. Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more
than your text.
Technique #11
Prosaic with Passion
Worried about your first words? Fear not, because 80
percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do
with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at
first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an
empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate
delivery make you sound exciting.
“Anything, Except Liverwurst!”
Back to Dottie waiting for her sandwich at her desk. Sometimes
as I walked out the door scratching my head wondering what to
bring her, she’d call after me, “Anything, except liverwurst, that
is.” Thanks, Dottie, that’s a little bit of help.
Here’s my “anything, except liverwurst” on small talk. Anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or
How to Sound Like You’ve Got a Super Personality
unpleasant. If the first words out of your mouth are a complaint—
BLAM—people label you a complainer. Why? Because that complaint is your new acquaintance’s 100 percent sampling of you so
far. You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but how will they
know? If your first comment is a complaint, you’re a griper. If your
first words are rude, you’re a creep. If your first words are unpleasant, you’re a stinker. Open and shut.
Other than these downers, anything goes. Ask them where
they’re from, how they know the host of the party, where they
bought the lovely suit they’re wearing—or hundreds of etceteras.
The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the
other person talking.
Still feel a bit shaky on making the approach to strangers? Let’s
take a quick detour on our road to meaningful communicating.
I’ll give you three quickie techniques to meet people at parties—
then nine more to make small talk not so small.
12 How to Make People
Want to Start a
Conversation with You
Singles proficient at meeting potential sweethearts without the
benefit of introduction (in the vernacular, making a “pickup”),
have developed a deliciously devious technique that works equally
well for social or corporate networking purposes. The technique
requires no exceptional skill on your part, only the courage to
sport a simple visual prop called a “Whatzit.”
What’s a Whatzit? A Whatzit is anything you wear or carry
that is unusual—a unique pin, an interesting purse, a strange tie,
or an amusing hat. A Whatzit is any object that draws people’s
attention and inspires them to approach you and ask, “Uh, what’s
that?” Your Whatzit can be as subtle or overt as your personality
and the occasion permit.
I wear around my neck an outmoded pair of glasses that resembles a double monocle. Often the curious have approached me at a
gathering and asked, “Whatzit?” I explain it’s a lorgnette left to me
by my grandmother, which, of course, paves the way to discuss
hatred of glasses, aging eyes, love or loss of grandmothers, adoration of antique jewelry—anywhere the inquisitor wants to take it.
Perhaps, unknowingly, you have fallen prey to this soon-tobe-legendary technique. At a gathering, have you ever noticed
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make People Want to Start a Conversation with You
someone you would like to talk to? Then you’ve racked your brain
to conjure an excuse to make the approach. What a bounty it was
to discover that he or she was wearing some weird, wild, or wonderful something you could comment on.
The Whatzit Way to Love
Your Whatzit is a social aid whether you seek business rewards or
new romance. My friend Alexander carries Greek worry beads
with him wherever he goes. He’s not worried. He knows any
woman who wants to talk to him will come up and say, “What’s
Think about it, gentlemen. Suppose you’re at a party. An
attractive woman spots you across the room. She wants to talk to
you but she’s thinking, “Well, Mister, you’re attractive. But, golly,
what can I say to you? You just ain’t got no Whatzit.”
Be a Whatzit Seeker, Too
Likewise, become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those
you wish to approach. Why not express interest in the handkerchief in the tycoon’s vest pocket, the brooch on the bosom of the
rich divorcée, or the school ring on the finger of the CEO whose
company you want to work for?
The big spender who, you suspect, might buy a hundred of
your widgets has a tiny golf-club lapel pin? Say, “Excuse me, I
couldn’t help but notice your attractive lapel pin. Are you a golfer?
Me, too. What courses have you played?”
Your business cards and your Whatzit are crucial socializing
artifacts. Whether you are riding in the elevator, climbing the
doorstep, or traversing the path to the party, make sure your
Whatzit is hanging out for all to see.
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #12
Always Wear a Whatzit
Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry
something unusual to give people who find you the
delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse
to approach. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice
your . . . what IS that?”
The next quickie technique was originated by doggedly determined politicians who don’t let one partygoer escape if they
think he or she could be helpful to their campaigns. I call it the
“Whoozat” technique.
13 How to Meet the
People You Want
to Meet
Say you have scrutinized the body of the important business contact you want to meet. You’ve searched in vain from the tip of his
cowlick to the toes of his boots. He’s not sporting a single Whatzit.
If you strike out on finding something to comment on, resort
to the Whoozat technique. Like a persistent politician, go to the
party giver and say, “That man/woman over there looks interesting. Who is he/she?” Then ask for an introduction. Don’t be hesitant. The party giver will be pleased you find one of the guests
If, however, you are loath to pull the party giver away from
his or her other guests, you still can perform Whoozat. This time,
don’t ask for a formal introduction. Simply pump the party giver
for just enough information to launch you. Find out about the
stranger’s jobs, interests, and hobbies.
Suppose the party giver says, “Oh, that’s Joe Smith. I’m not
sure what his job is, but I know he loves to ski.” Aha, you’ve just
been given the icebreaker you need. Now you make a beeline for
Joe Smith. “Hi, you’re Joe Smith, aren’t you? Susan was just telling
me what a great skier you are. Where do you ski?” You get the
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #13
Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by nonpoliticians) meeting-people device ever contrived.
Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or
pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn
into icebreakers.
Now the third in our little trio of meeting-who-you-want
14 How to Break into a
Tight Crowd
The woman you’ve decided you MUST meet is wearing no
Whatzit? Can’t find the host for the Whoozat technique? To make
matters worse, she’s deep in conversation with a group of her
friends. Seems quite hopeless that you will maneuver a meeting,
doesn’t it? You can’t just say, “Excuse me, I just thought I’d eavesdrop in and say ‘Hello.’ ”
No obstacle blocks the resolute politician, who always has a
trick or ten up his or her sleeve. A politico would resort to the
“Eavesdrop In” technique. Eavesdropping, of course, conjures
images of clandestine activities—wiretapping, Watergate breakins, or spies skulking around in the murky shadows. Eavesdropping has historical precedent with politicians so, in a pinch, it
naturally comes to mind.
At parties, stand near the group of people you wish to infiltrate. Then wait for a word or two you can use as a wedge to break
into the group. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing that you
. . .” and then whatever is relevant here. For example “I couldn’t
help overhearing your discussion of Bermuda. I’m going there next
month for the first time. Any suggestions?”
Now you are in the circle and can direct your comments to
your intended.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #14
Eavesdrop In
No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just
sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse
and jump in with “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but
overhear. . . .”
Will they be taken aback? Momentarily.
Will they get over it? Momentarily.
Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!
Let us now hop back on the train that first explored Small Talk
City and travel to the land of Meaningful Communicating.
15 How to Make “Where
Are You From?”
Sound Exciting
You wouldn’t dream of going to a party naked. And I hope you
wouldn’t dream of letting your conversation be exposed naked and
defenseless against the two inevitable assaults “Where are you
from?” and “What do you do?”
When asked these questions, most people, like clunking a frozen steak on a china platter, drop a brick of frozen geography or
baffling job title on the asker’s conversational platter. Then they
slap on the muzzle.
You’re at a convention. Everyone you meet will, of course, ask
“And where are you from?” When you give them the short-form
naked-city answer “Oh, I’m from Muscatine, Iowa” (or Millinocket, Maine; Winnemucca, Nevada; or anywhere they haven’t
heard of ), what can you expect except a blank stare? Even if you’re
a relatively big city slicker from Denver, Colorado; Detroit, Michigan; or San Diego, California, you’ll receive a panicked look from
all but American history professors. They’re rapidly racking their
brains thinking “What do I say next?” Even the names of worldclass burgs like New York, Chicago, Washington, and Los Angeles inspire less-than-riveting responses. When I tell people I’m
from New York City, what are they expected to say? “Duh, seen
any good muggings lately?”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Do humanity and yourself a favor. Never, ever, give just a onesentence response to the question, “Where are you from?” Give the
asker some fuel for his tank, some fodder for his trough. Give the hungry communicator something to conversationally nibble on. All it
takes is an extra sentence or two about your city—some interesting
fact, some witty observation—to hook the asker into the conversation.
Several months ago, a trade association invited me to be its
keynote speaker on networking and teaching people to be better
conversationalists. Just before my speech, I was introduced to Mrs.
Devlin, who was the head of the association.
“How do you do?” she asked.
“How do you do?” I replied.
Then Mrs. Devlin smiled, anxiously awaiting a sample of my
stimulating conversational expertise. I asked her where she was
from. She plunked a frozen “Columbus, Ohio” and a big expectant
grin on my platter. I had to quickly thaw her answer into digestible
conversation. My mind thrashed into action. Leil’s thought pattern: “Gulp, Columbus, Ohio. I’ve never been there, hmm. Criminy, what do I know about Columbus? I know a fellow named Jeff,
a successful speaker who lives there. But Columbus is too big to
ask if she knows him . . . and besides only kids play the ‘Do-youknow-so-and-so’ game.” My panicked silent search continued. “I
think it’s named after Christopher Columbus . . . but I’m not sure,
so I better keep my mouth shut on that one.” Four or five other
possibilities raced through my mind but I rejected them all as too
obvious, too adolescent, or too off-the-wall.
I realized by now that seconds had passed, and Mrs. Devlin
was still standing there with a slowly dissipating smile on her face.
She was waiting for me (the “expert” who, within the hour, was
expected to teach her trade association lessons on scintillating conversation) to spew forth words of wit or wisdom.
“Oh, Columbus, gee,” I mumbled in desperation, watching
her face fall into the worried expression of a patient being asked
by the surgeon, knife poised in hand, “Where’s your appendix?”
How to Make “Where Are You From?” Sound Exciting
I never came up with stimulating conversation on Columbus.
But, just then, under the knife, I created the following technique
for posterity. I call it “Never the Naked City.”
Technique #15
Never the Naked City
Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, “And where
are you from?” never, ever, unfairly challenge their
powers of imagination with a one-word answer.
Learn some engaging facts about your hometown
that conversational partners can comment on. Then,
when they say something clever in response to your
bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.
Different Bait for Shrimp or Sharks
A fisherman uses different bait to bag bass or bluefish. And you
will obviously throw out different conversational bait to snag simple shrimp or sophisticated sharks. Your hook should relate to the
type of person you’re speaking with. I’m originally from Washington, D.C. If someone at, say, an art gallery asked me where I
was from, I might answer “Washington, D.C.—designed, you
know, by the same city planner who designed Paris.” This opens
the conversational possibilities to the artistry of city planning,
Paris, other cities’ plans, European travel, and so forth.
At a social party of singles I’d opt for another answer. “I’m
from Washington, D.C. The reason I left is there were seven
women to every man when I was growing up.” Now the conversation can turn to the ecstasy or agony of being single, the perceived lack of desirable men everywhere, or even flirtatious
How to Talk to Anyone
In a political group, I’d cast a current fact from the constantly
evolving political face of Washington. No need to speculate on the
multitude of conversational possibilities that unlocks.
Where do you get your conversational bait? Start by phoning
the chamber of commerce or historical society of your town.
Search the World Wide Web and click on your town, or open an
old-fashioned encyclopedia—all rich sources for future stimulating conversations. Learn some history, geography, business statistics, or perhaps a few fun facts to tickle future friends’ funny
The Devlin debacle inspired further research. The minute I
got home, I called the Columbus chamber of commerce and the
historical society. Say you, too, are from Columbus, Ohio, and
your new acquaintance lays it on you: “Where are you from?”
When you are talking with a businessperson, your answer could
be, “I’m from Columbus, Ohio. You know many major corporations do their product testing in Columbus because it’s so commercially typical. In fact, it’s been called ‘the most American city
in America.’ They say if it booms or bombs in Columbus, it
booms or bombs nationally.”
Talking with someone with a German last name? Tell her
about Columbus’s historic German Village with the brick streets
and the wonderful 1850s-style little houses. It’s bound to inspire
stories of the old country. Your conversation partner’s surname is
Italian? Tell him Genoa, Italy, is Columbus’s sister city.
Talking with an American history buff ? Tell him that Columbus was, indeed, named after Christopher Columbus and that a
replica of the Santa Maria is anchored in the Scioto River. Talking with a student? Tell her about the five universities in Columbus.
The possibilities continue. You suspect your conversation partner has an artistic bent? “Ah,” you throw out casually, “Columbus
is the home of artist George Bellows.”
Columbusites, prepare some tasty snacks for askers even if
you know nothing about them. Here’s a goodie. Tell them you
How to Make “Where Are You From?” Sound Exciting
always have to say “Columbus, Ohio” because there is also a Columbus, Arkansas; Columbus, Georgia; Columbus, Indiana;
Columbus, Kansas; Columbus, Kentucky; Columbus, Mississippi;
Columbus, Montana; Columbus, Nebraska; Columbus, New Jersey; Columbus, New Mexico; Columbus, North Carolina; Columbus, North Dakota; Columbus, Pennsylvania; Columbus, Texas;
and Columbus, Wisconsin. That spreads the conversational possibilities to fifteen other states. Remember, as a quotable notable once
said, “No man would listen to you talk if he didn’t know it was his
turn next.”
A postscript to the hellish experience I had with Columbus.
Months later, I mentioned the trauma to my speaker friend from
Columbus, Jeff. Jeff explained his house was really in a smaller
town just minutes outside Columbus.
“What town, Jeff ?”
“Gahanna, Ohio. Gahanna means ‘hell’ in Hebrew,” he said,
and then went on to explain why he thought ancient Hebrew historians were clairvoyant.
Thanks, Jeff, I knew you’d never lay a naked city on any of
your listeners.
16 How to Come Out a
Winner Every Time
They Ask, “And What
Do You Do?”
Third only to death and taxes is the assurance a new acquaintance
will soon chirp, “And what do you do?” (Is it fitting and proper
they should make that query? We’ll pick up that sticky wicket
later.) For the moment, these few defensive moves help you keep
your crackerjack communicator credentials when asked the
inevitable question.
First, like Never the Naked City, don’t toss a short-shrift
answer in response to the asker’s breathless inquiry. You leave the
poor fish flopping on the deck when you just say your title: “I’m
an actuary/an auditor/an author/an astrophysicist.” Have mercy
so he or she doesn’t feel like a nincompoop outsider asking, “What,
er, kind of actuizing (auditing, authoring, or astrophysizing) do
you do?”
You’re an attorney. Don’t leave it to laymen to try to figure out
what you really do. Flesh it out. Tell a little story your conversation partner can get a handle on. For example, if you’re talking
with a young mother say, “I’m an attorney. Our firm specializes in
employment law. In fact, now I’m involved in a case where a com68
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Come Out a Winner Every Time They Ask, “And What Do You Do?” 69
Technique #16
Never the Naked Job
When asked the inevitable “And what do you do,” you
may think “I’m an economist/an educator/an engineer”
is giving enough information to engender good
conversation. However, to one who is not an economist,
educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying
“I’m a paleontologist/psychoanalyst/pornographer.”
Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about
your job for new acquaintances to munch on.
Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves, preferring
the snacks back at the cheese tray.
pany actually discharged a woman for taking extra maternity leave
that was a medical necessity.” A mother can relate to that.
Talking with a business owner? Say “I’m an attorney. Our firm
specializes in employment law. My current case concerns an
employer who is being sued by one of her staff for asking personal
questions during the initial job interview.” A business owner can
relate to that.
Painful Memories of Naked Job Flashers
I still harbor painful recollections of being tongue-tied when confronted by naked job flashers. Like the time a fellow at a dinner
party told me, “I’m a nuclear scientist.” My weak “Oh, that must
be fascinating” reduced me to a mental molecule in his eyes.
The chap on my other side announced, “I’m in industrial abrasives,” and then paused, waiting for me to be impressed. My “Well,
er, golly, you must have to be a shrewd judge of character to be in
How to Talk to Anyone
industrial abrasives” didn’t fly either. We three sat in silence the
rest of the meal.
Just last month a new acquaintance bragged, “I’m planning to
teach Tibetan Buddhism at Truckee Meadows Community College,” and then clammed up. I knew less about Truckee Meadows
than I did about Tibetan Buddhism. Whenever people ask you
what you do, give them some mouth-to-ear resuscitation so they
can catch their breath and say something.
17 How to Introduce People
Like the Host(ess) with
the Most(est)
It is important to help “newlymets” through their first nervous
“Susan, I’d like you to meet John Smith. John, this is Susan
Jones.” Duh, what do you expect John and Susan to say?
“Smith? Umm, that’s S-M-I-T-H, isn’t it?”
“Uh, er, golly, Susan, well, now, there’s an interesting name.”
Nice-try-forget-it. Don’t blame John or Susan for being less
than scintillating. The fault lies with the person who introduced
the two the way most people introduce their friends to each
other—with naked names. They cast out a line with no bait for
people to sink their teeth into.
Big winners may not talk a lot, but conversation never dies
unwillingly in their midst. They make sure of it with techniques
like “Never the Naked Introduction.” When they introduce people, they buy an insurance policy on the conversation with a few
simple add-ons: “Susan, I’d like you to meet John. John has a wonderful boat we took a trip on last summer. John, this is Susan
Smith. Susan is editor in chief of Shoestring Gourmet magazine.”
Padding the introduction gives Susan the opportunity to ask
what kind of boat John has or where the group went. It gives John
an opening to discuss his love of writing. Or of cooking. Or of
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
food. The conversation can then naturally expand to travel in general, life on boats, past vacations, favorite recipes, restaurants, budgets, diets, magazines, editorial policy—to infinity.
Technique #17
Never the Naked Introduction
When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited
hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving
the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic.
Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of
things. Then you’re free to stay or float on to the next
networking opportunity.
If you’re not comfortable mentioning someone’s job during
the introduction, mention their hobby or even a talent. The other
day at a gathering, the hostess introduced a man named Gilbert.
She said, “Leil, I’d like you to meet Gilbert. Gilbert’s gift is sculpting. He makes beautiful wax carvings.” I remember thinking,
“Gift—now that’s a lovely way to introduce someone and induce
Armed with these two personality enhancers, three conversation igniters, and three small extenders, it is time to take a step up
the communications ladder. Let us now rise from small talk and
seek the path to more meaningful dialogue. The next technique
is guaranteed to make the exchange engrossing for your conversation partner.
18 How to Resuscitate a
Dying Conversation
Even a well-intentioned husband who might ask his wife while
making love, “Is it good for you, too, Honey?” knows not to ask
a colleague, “Is the conversation good for you, too?” Yet he wonders . . . we all do. With the following technique, set your mind
at rest. You can definitely make the conversation hot for anyone
with whom you speak. Like my prom date, Donnie, you will
miraculously find subjects to engross your listeners.
Be a Sleuth on Their Slips of the Tongue
No matter how elusive the clue, Sherlock Holmes is confident he’ll
soon be staring right at it through his magnifying glass. Like
the unerring detective, big winners know, no matter how elusive
the clue, they’ll find the right topic. How? They become word
I have a young friend, Nancy, who works in a nursing home.
Nancy cares deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about
how crotchety and laconic some of her patients are. She laments
she has difficulty relating to them.
Nancy told me about one especially cantankerous old woman
named Mrs. Otis, whom she could never get to open up to her.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
“One day,” Nancy confided, “right after all those rainstorms we
had last week, just to make conversation, I remarked to Mrs. Otis,
‘Terrible storms we had last week, don’t you think?’ Well,” Nancy
continued, “Mrs. Otis practically jumped down my throat. She
said in a snippy voice, ‘It’s been good for the plants.’ ” I asked
Nancy how she responded to that.
“What could I say?” Nancy answered. “The woman was obviously cutting me off.”
“Did you ever think to ask Mrs. Otis if she liked plants?”
“Plants?” Nancy asked.
“Well, yes,” I suggested. “Mrs. Otis brought the subject up.”
I asked Nancy to do me a favor. “Ask her,” I begged. Nancy resisted, but I persisted. Just to quiet me down, Nancy promised to
ask “cantankerous old Mrs. Otis” if she liked plants.
The next day, a flabbergasted Nancy called me from work.
“Leil, how did you know? Not only did Mrs. Otis love plants, but
she told me she’d been married to a gardener. Today I had a different problem with Mrs. Otis. I couldn’t shut her up! She went
on and on about her garden, her husband. . . .”
Top communicators know ideas don’t come out of nowhere.
If Mrs. Otis thought to bring up plants, then she must have some
relationship with them. Furthermore, by mentioning the word, it
meant subconsciously she wanted to talk about plants.
Suppose, for example, instead of responding to Nancy’s comment about the rain with “It’s good for the plants,” Mrs. Otis had
said, “Because of the rain, my dog couldn’t go out.” Nancy could
then ask about her dog. Or suppose she grumbled, “It’s bad for my
arthritis.” Can you guess what old Mrs. Otis wants to talk about
When talking with anyone, keep your ears open and, like a
good detective, listen for clues. Be on the lookout for any unusual
references: any anomaly, deviation, digression, or invocation of
How to Resuscitate a Dying Conversation
another place, time, person. Ask about it because it’s the clue to
what your conversation partner would really enjoy discussing.
If two people have something in common, when the shared
interest comes up, they jump on it naturally. For example, if someone mentions playing squash (bird-watching or stamp collecting)
and the listener shares that passion, he or she pipes up, “Oh, you’re
a squasher (or birder or philatelist), too!”
Here’s the trick: there’s no need to be a squasher, birder, or
philatelist to pipe up with enthusiasm. You can simply “Be a Word
Detective.” When you pick up on the reference as though it excites
you, too, it parlays you into conversation the stranger thrills to.
(The subject may put your feet to sleep, but that’s another story.)
Technique #18
Be a Word Detective
Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation
partner’s every word for clues to his or her preferred
topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring
on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue.
Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject
that’s hot for the other person.
Now that you’ve ignited stimulating conversation, let’s explore
a technique to keep it hot.
19 How to Enthrall ’Em
with Your Choice of
Several years ago, a girlfriend and I attended a party saturated with
a hodgepodge of swellegant folks. Everyone we talked to seemed
to lead a nifty life. Discussing the party afterward, I asked my
friend, “Diane, of all the exciting people at the party, who did you
enjoy talking to most?”
Without hesitation she said, “Oh by far, Dan Smith.”
“What does Dan do?” I asked her.
“Uh, well, I’m not sure,” she answered.
“Where does he live?”
“Uh, I don’t know,” Diane responded.
“Well, what is he interested in?”
“Well, we really didn’t talk about his interests.”
“Diane,” I asked, “what did you talk about?”
“Well, I guess we talked mostly about me.”
“Aha,” I thought. Diane has just rubbed noses with a winner.
As it turns out, I had the pleasure of meeting Big-Winner Dan
several months later. Diane’s ignorance about his life piqued my
curiosity so I grilled him for details. As it turns out, Dan lives in
Paris, has a beach home in the south of France, and a mountain
home in the Alps. He travels around the world producing sound and
light shows for pyramids and ancient ruins—and he is an avid hang
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Enthrall ’Em with Your Choice of Topic—Them!
glider and scuba diver. Does this man have an interesting life or
what? Yet Dan, when meeting Diane, said nothing about himself.
I told Dan about how pleased Diane was to meet him yet how
little she learned about his life. Dan simply replied, “Well, when
I meet someone, I learn so much more if I ask about their life. I
always try to turn the spotlight on the other person.” Truly confident people often do this. They know they grow more by listening than talking. Obviously, they also captivate the talker.
Sell Yourself with a Top Sales Technique
Several months ago at a speaker’s convention, I was talking with
a colleague Brian Tracy. Brian does a brilliant job of training top
salespeople. He tells his students of a giant spotlight that, when
shining on their product, is not as interesting to the prospect.
When they shine the spotlight on the prospect, they make the sale.
Salespeople, this technique is especially crucial for you. Keep
your “Swiveling Spotlight” aimed away from you, only lightly on
your product, and most brightly on your buyer. You’ll do a much
better job of selling yourself and your product.
Technique #19
The Swiveling Spotlight
When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving
spotlight between you. When you’re talking, the
spotlight is on you. When the new person is speaking,
it’s shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly
enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you
have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you
keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he
or she finds you.
20 How to Never Need
to Wonder, “What Do
I Say Next?”
Moments arise, of course, when even conversationalists extraordinaire hit the wall. Some folks’ monosyllabic grunts leave slim pickings even for masters of the Be a Word Detective technique.
If you find yourself futilely fanning the embers of a dying
conversation (and if you feel for political reasons or human compassion that the conversation should continue), here’s a foolproof
trick to get the fire blazing again. I call it “Parroting” after that
beautiful tropical bird that captures everyone’s heart simply by
repeating other people’s words.
Have you ever, puttering around the house, had the TV in the
background tuned to a tennis game? You hear the ball going back
and forth over the net—klink-klunk, klink-klunk, klink . . . this
time you don’t hear the klunk. The ball didn’t hit the court. What
happened? You immediately look up at the set.
Likewise in conversation, the conversational ball goes back and
forth. First you speak, then your partner speaks, you speak . . . and
so it goes, back and forth. Each time, through a series of nods and
comforting grunts like “um hum,” or “umm,” you let your conversation partner know the ball has landed in your court. It’s your
“I got it” signal. Such is the rhythm of conversation.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Never Need to Wonder, “What Do I Say Next?”
“What Do I Say Next?”
Back to that frightfully familiar moment when it is your turn to
speak but your mind goes blank. Don’t panic. Instead of signaling verbally or nonverbally that you “got it,” simply repeat—or
parrot—the last two or three words your companion said, in a
sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball
right back in your partner’s court.
My friend Phil sometimes picks me up at the airport. Usually
I am so exhausted that I rudely fall asleep in the passenger seat,
relegating Phil to nothing more than a chauffeur.
After one especially exhausting trip some years ago, I flung
my bags in his trunk and flopped onto the front seat. As I was
dozing off, he mentioned he’d gone to the theater the night before.
Usually I would have just grunted and wafted into unconsciousness. However, on this particular trip, I had learned the Parroting technique and was eager to try it. “Theater?” I parroted
“Yes, it was a great show,” he replied, fully expecting it to be
the last word on the subject before I fell into my usual sleepy
“Great show?” I parroted. Pleasantly surprised by my interest,
he said, “Yes, it’s a new show by Stephen Sondheim called Sweeney
“Sweeney Todd ?” I again parroted. Now Phil was getting fired
up. “Yeah, great music and an unbelievably bizarre story. . . .”
“Bizarre story?” I parroted. Well, that’s all Phil needed. For
the next half an hour, Phil told me the show’s story about a London barber who went around murdering people. I half dozed, but
soon decided his tale of Sweeney Todd’s cutting off peoples’ heads
was disturbing my sleepy reverie. So I simply backed up and parroted one of his previous phrases to get him on another track.
“You said it had great music?”
How to Talk to Anyone
That did the trick. For the rest of the forty-five-minute trip to
my home, Phil sang me “Pretty Women,” “The Best Pies in London,” and other songs from Sweeney Todd—much better accompaniment for my demi-nap. I’m sure, to this day, Phil thinks of
that trip as one of the best conversations we ever had. And all I did
was parrot a few of his phrases.
Technique #20
Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply
repeat the last few words your conversation partner
says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court,
and then all you need to do is listen.
Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customer’s real
objections when it’s so easy to shake them out of the trees with
Parroting Your Way to Profits
Parroting is also a can opener to pry open people’s real feelings.
Star salespeople use it to get to their prospect’s emotional objections, which they often don’t even articulate to themselves. A
friend of mine, Paul, a used-car salesman, told me he credits a
recent sale of a Lamborghini to Parroting.
Paul was walking around the lot with a prospect and his wife,
who had expressed interest in a “sensible car.” He was showing
them every sensible Chevy and Ford on the lot. As they were looking at one very sensible family car, Paul asked the husband what
he thought of it. “Well,” he mused, “I’m not sure this car is right
How to Never Need to Wonder, “What Do I Say Next?”
for me.” Instead of moving on to the next sensible car, Paul parroted “Right for you?” Paul’s questioning inflection signaled the
prospect that he needed to say more.
“Well, er, yeah,” the prospect mumbled. “I’m not sure it fits
my personality.”
“Fits your personality?” Paul again parroted.
“You know, maybe I need something a little more sporty.”
“A little more sporty?” Paul parroted.
“Well, those cars over there look a little more sporty.”
Aha! Paul’s parrot had ferreted out which cars to show the customer. As they walked over toward a Lamborghini on the lot, Paul
saw the prospect’s eyes light up. An hour later, Paul had pocketed
a fat commission.
Want to take a rest from talking to save your throat? This next
technique gets your conversation partner off and running so all
you have to do is listen (or even sneak off unnoticed as he or she
chats congenially away).
21 How to Get ’Em Happily
Chatting (So You Can Slip
Away if You Want To!)
Every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime,
“Daddy, Daddy, tell me the story again of the three little pigs” (or
the dancing princesses or how you and Mommy met). Daddy
knows Junior enjoyed the story so much the first time, he wants
to hear it again and again.
Junior inspires the following technique called “Encore!” which
serves two purposes. Encore! makes a colleague feel like a happy dad, and it’s a great way to give dying conversation a heart
I once worked on a ship that had Italian officers and mostly
American passengers. Each week, the deck officers were required
to attend the captain’s cocktail party. After the captain’s address
in charmingly broken English, the officers invariably clumped
together yakking it up in Italian. Needless to say, most of the passengers’ grasp of Italian ended at macaroni, spaghetti, salami, and
As cruise director, it fell on my shoulders to get the officers to
mingle with the passengers. My not-so-subtle tactic was to grab
one of the officers’ arms and literally drag him over to a smiling
throng of expectant passengers. I would then introduce the officer and pray that either the cat would release his tongue, or a pas82
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Get ’Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You Want To!) 83
senger would come up with a more original question than “Gee,
if all you officers are here, who is driving the boat?” Never happened. I dreaded the weekly captain’s cocktail party.
One night, sleeping in my cabin, I was awakened by the ship
rocking violently from side to side. I listened and the engines were
off. A bad sign. I grabbed my robe and raced up to the deck.
Through the dense fog, I could barely discern another ship not
half a mile from us. Five or six officers were grasping the starboard
guardrail and leaning overboard. I rushed over just in time to see
a man in the moonlight with a bandage over one eye struggling
up our violently rocking ladder. The officers immediately whisked
him off to our ship’s hospital. The engines started again and we
were on our way.
The next morning I got the full story. A laborer on the other
ship, a freighter, had been drilling a hole in an engine cylinder.
While he was working, a sharp, needle-thin piece of metal shot
like a missile into his right eye. The freighter had no doctor on
board so the ship broadcast an emergency signal.
International sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress
signal must respond. Our ship came to the rescue and the seaman,
clutching his bleeding eye, was lowered into a lifeboat that brought
him to our ship. Dr. Rossi, our ship’s doctor, was successfully able
to remove the needle from the workman’s eye, thus saving his
“Tell ’Em About the Time You . . .”
Cut to the next captain’s cocktail party. Once again I was faced
with the familiar challenge of getting officers to mingle and make
small talk with the passengers. I made my weekly trek to the
laconic officers’ throng to drag one or two away and, this time, my
hand fell on the arm of the ship’s doctor. I hauled him over to the
nearest group of grinning passengers and introduced him. I then
How to Talk to Anyone
said, “Just last week Dr. Rossi saved the eyesight of a seaman on
another ship after a dramatic midnight rescue. Dr. Rossi, I’m sure
these folks would love to hear about it.”
It was like a magic wand. To my amazement, it was as though
Dr. Rossi was blessed instantly with the tongues of angels. His previously monosyllabic broken English became thickly accented eloquence. He recounted the entire story for the growing group of
passengers gathering around him. I left the throng that Dr. Rossi
enraptured to pull another officer over to an awaiting audience.
I grabbed the captain’s stripe-covered arm, dragged him over
to another pack of smiling passengers and said, “Captain Cafiero,
why don’t you tell these folks about the dramatic midnight rescue
you made last week?” The cat released Cafiero’s tongue and he was
off and running.
Back to the throng to get the first officer for the next group.
By now I knew I had a winner. “Signor Salvago, why don’t you tell
these folks how you awakened the captain at midnight last week
for the dramatic midnight rescue?”
By then it was time to go back to extract the ship’s doctor from
the first bevy and take him to his next pack of passengers. It worked
even better the second time. He happily commenced his Encore!
for the second audience. As he chatted away, I raced back to the
captain to pull him away for a second telling with another throng.
I felt like the circus juggler who keeps all the plates spinning on
sticks. Just as I got one conversation spinning, I had to race back
to the first speaker to give him a whirl at another audience.
The captain’s cocktail parties were a breeze for me for the rest
of the season. The three officers loved telling the same story of
their heroism to new people every cruise. The only problem was
I noticed the stories getting longer and more elaborate each time.
I had to adjust my timing in getting them to do a repeat performance for the next audience.
How to Get ’Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You Want To!) 85
Play It Again, Sam
“Encore!” is what appreciative audiences chant when they want
another song from the singer, another dance from the dancer,
another poem from the poet, and in my case, another storytelling
from the officers. Encore! is the technique you can use to request
a repeat story from a prospect, potential employer, or valued
acquaintance. While the two of you are chatting with a group of
people, simply turn to him and say, “John, I bet everyone would
love to hear about the time you caught that thirty-pound striped
bass.” Or, “Susan, tell everyone that story you just told me of how
you rescued the kitten from the tree.” He or she will, of course,
demure. Insist! Your conversation partner is secretly loving it. The
subtext of your request is “That story of yours was so terrific, I
want my other friends to hear it.” After all, only crowd pleasers
are asked to do an Encore!
Technique #21
The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up
out of the applause is “Encore! Encore! Let’s hear it
again!” The sweetest sound your conversation partner
can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a
group of people is “Tell them about the time you . . .”
Whenever you’re at a meeting or party with
someone important to you, think of some stories he or
she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their
repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the
spotlight by requesting a repeat performance.
How to Talk to Anyone
The added benefit of this technique is that, once you’ve got
them up and running with their conversation, you can sneak off
and find more interesting company!
One word of warning: make sure the story you request is one
in which the teller shines. No one wants to retell the time they lost
the sale, cracked up the car, or broke up the bar and spent the
night in jail. Make sure your requested Encore! is a positive story
where they come out the big winner, not the buffoon.
The full beauty of this technique will hit you like a happy
thunderbolt the first time you use it with someone who is telling
a long and wearisome tale. You simply tiptoe away and let the bore
spin the story on and on with your friend. (Of course, your friend
may never speak to you again. But that’s not germaine to this
The next technique deals with sharing some positive stories of
your life.
22 How to Come Across
as a Positive Person
Often people think when they meet someone they like, they
should share a secret, reveal an intimacy, or make a confession of
sorts to show they are human too. Airing your youthful battle with
bed-wetting, teeth grinding, or thumb sucking—or your present
struggle with gout or a goiter—supposedly endears you to the
Well, sometimes it does. One study showed that if someone
is above you in stature, their revealing a foible brings them closer
to you.12 The holes in the bottom of presidential candidate Adlai
Stevenson’s shoes charmed a nation, as did George H. W. Bush’s
shocking admission that he couldn’t stomach broccoli.
If you’re on sure footing, say a superstar who wants to become
friends with a fan, go ahead and tell your devotees about the time
you were out of work and penniless. But if you’re not a superstar,
better play it safe and keep the skeletons in the closet until later.
People don’t know you well enough to put your foible in context.
Later in a relationship, telling your new friend you’ve been
thrice married, you got caught shoplifting as a teenager, and you
got turned down for a big job may be no big deal. And that may
be the extent of what could be construed as black marks on an
otherwise flawless life of solid relationships, no misdemeanors, and
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
an impressive professional record. But very early in a relationship,
the instinctive reaction is “What else is coming? If he shares that
with me so quickly, what else is he hiding? A closetful of exspouses, a criminal record, walls papered with rejection letters?”
Your new acquaintance has no way of knowing your confession
was a generous act, a well-intentioned revelation, on your part.
Technique #22
Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive
When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and
save your skeletons for later. You and your new good
friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh,
and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But
now’s the time, as the old song says, to “ac-cen-tu-ate
the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.”
So far, in this section, you have found assertive methods for
meeting people and mastering small talk. The next is both an
assertive and defensive move to help spare you that pasty smile we
tend to sport when we have no idea what people are talking about.
23 How to Always Have
Something Interesting
to Say
You’ve heard folks whine, “I can’t go to the party, I haven’t got a
thing to wear.” When was the last time you heard, “I can’t go to
the party, I haven’t got a thing to say?”
When going to a gathering with great networking possibilities, you naturally plan your outfit and make sure your shoes will
match. And, of course, you must have just the right tie or correct
color lipstick. You puff your hair, pack your business cards, and
you’re off.
Whoa! Wait a minute. Didn’t you forget the most important
thing? What about the right conversation to enhance your image?
Are you actually going to say anything that comes to mind—or
doesn’t—at the moment? You wouldn’t don the first outfit your
groping hand hits in the darkened closet, so you shouldn’t leave
your conversing to the first thought that comes to mind when facing a group of expectant, smiling faces. You will, of course, follow your instincts in conversation. But at least be prepared in case
inspiration doesn’t hit.
The best way to ensure you’re conversationally in the swing of
things is to listen to a newscast just before you leave. What’s happening right now in the world—all the fires, floods, air disasters,
toppled governments, and stock market crashes—pulverizes into
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
great conversational fodder, no matter what crowd you’re circulating in.
It is with some embarrassment that I must attribute the following technique to a businesswoman in the world’s oldest profession. For a magazine article I was writing, I interviewed one of
the savviest operators in her field, Sidney Biddle Barrows, the
famed Mayflower Madam.
Technique #23
The Latest News . . . Don’t Leave Home
Without It
The last move to make before leaving for the party—
even after you’ve given yourself final approval in the
mirror—is to turn on the radio news or scan your
newspaper. Anything that happened today is good
material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is
also a defensive move that rescues you from putting
your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody’s
talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in
public, especially when it’s surrounded by egg-on-face.
Sidney told me she had a house rule when she was in business.
All of her female “independent contractors” were directed to keep
up with the daily news so they could be good conversationalists
with their clients. This was not just Sidney’s whim. Feedback from
her employees had revealed that 60 percent of her girls’ work hour
was spent in chatting and only 40 percent in satisfying the customers’ needs. Thus she instructed them to read the daily newspaper or listen to a radio broadcast before leaving for an
How to Always Have Something Interesting to Say
appointment. Sidney told me when she initiated this rule, her business increased significantly. Reports came back from her clients
complimenting her on the fascinating women she had working for
her. The consummate businesswoman, Ms. Barrows always strove
to exceed her customers’ expectations.
Ready for the big leagues of conversation? Let’s go.
This page intentionally left blank.
How to Talk
Like a VIP
Welcome to the human jungle. When two tigers prowling through
the jungle chance upon one another in a clearing, they look at each
other. They freeze. Instinctively they calculate, “If our staring
came to hissing—came to scratching—came to clawing—who
would win? Which of us has the stronger survival skills?”
Tigers in the wilderness differ little from the urban upright
animals inhabiting the corporate jungle (or singles jungle or social
jungle). Humans start the process by looking at each other and
talking. In the business world, while smiling and uttering “How
do you do?” “Hello,” “Howdy,” or “Hi,” they are, like tigers,
instinctively, instantaneously, sizing each other up.
They’re not calculating the length of each other’s claws or the
sharpness of their teeth. They’re judging each other on a weapon
far more powerful to survival as they have defined it. Humans are
judging each other’s communications skills. Although they may
not know the names of the specific studies first proving it, they
sense the truth: 85 percent of one’s success in life is directly due
to communications skills.13
They may not be familiar with the U.S. Census Bureau’s
recent survey showing employers choose candidates with good
communications skills and attitude way over education, experi93
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
ence, and training.14 But they know communications skills get people to the top. Thus, by observing each other carefully during
casual conversing, it becomes almost immediately evident to both
which is the bigger cat in the human jungle.
It doesn’t take long for people to recognize who is an “important” person. One cliché, one insensitive remark, one overanxious
reaction, and you can be professionally or personally demoted. You
can lose a potentially important friendship or business contact.
One stupid move and you can tumble off the corporate or social
The techniques in this section will help ensure that you make
all the right moves so this doesn’t happen. The following communications skills give you a leg up to start your ascent to the top
of any ladder you choose.
24 How to Find Out What
They Do (Without
Even Asking!)
To size each other up, the first question little cats flat-pawedly ask
each other is, “And what do you do? Hmm?” Then they crouch
there, quivering their whiskers and twitching their noses, with an
obvious “I’m going to pronounce silent judgment on you after you
answer” look on their pusses.
Big cats never ask outright, “What do you do?” (Oh they find
out, all right, in a much more subtle manner.) By not asking the
question, the big boys and big girls come across as more principled, even spiritual. “After all,” their silence says, “a man or woman
is far more than his or her job.”
Resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity.
With so much downsizing, rightsizing, and capsizing of corporations these days, the blunt interrogation evokes uneasiness. The
job question is not just unpleasant for those who are “between
engagements.” I have several gainfully employed friends who hate
being asked, “And what do you do?” (One of these folks cuts
cadavers for autopsies, the other is an IRS collection agent.)
Additionally, millions of talented and accomplished women
have chosen to devote themselves to motherhood. When the cruel
corporate question is thrust at them, they feel guilty. The rude
interrogation belittles their commitment to their families. No mat95
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
ter how the women answer, they fear the asker is only going to
hear a humble “I’m just a housewife.”
Big boys and big girls should avoid asking, “What do you do?”
for another reason: their abstinence from the question leads listeners to believe that they are in the habit of soaring with a highflying crowd. Recently I attended a posh party on Easy Street. (I
suspect they invited me as their token working-class person.) I
noticed no one was asking anyone what they did—because these
swells didn’t do anything. Oh, some might have a ticker tape on
the bed table of their mansion to track investments. But they definitely did not work for a living.
The final benefit to not asking, “What do you do?” is it throws
people off guard. It convinces them you are enjoying their company for who they are, not for any crass networking reason.
Technique #24
What Do You Do—NOT!
A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, “What do you do?” (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty
words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a
social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter,
or someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.)
The Right Way to Find Out
So how do you find out what someone does for a living? (I thought
you’d never ask.) You simply practice the following eight words.
All together now: “How . . . do . . . you . . . spend . . . most . . .
of . . . your . . . time?”
How to Find Out What They Do (Without Even Asking!)
“How do you spend most of your time?” is the gracious way
to let a cadaver cutter, a tax collector, or a capsized employee off
the hook. It’s the way to reinforce an accomplished mother’s
choice. It’s the way to assure a spiritual soul you see his or her inner
beauty. It’s a way to suggest to a swell that you reside on Easy
Street, too.
Now, suppose you’ve just made the acquaintance of someone
who does like to talk about his or her work? Asking, “How do you
spend most of your time?” also opens the door for workaholics to
spout off, “Oh golly,” they mock moan, “I just spend all my time
working.” That, of course, is your invitation to grill them for
details. (Then they’ll talk your ear off.) Yet the new wording of
your question gives those who are somewhere between “at leisure”
and “work addicted” the choice of telling you about their job or
not. Finally, asking “How do you spend most of your time?”
instead of “And what do you do?” gives you your big cat stripes
right off.
25 How to Know What to
Say When They Ask,
“What DoYou Do?”
Now, 99 percent of the people you meet will, of course, ask “And
what do you do?” Big winners, realizing someone will always ask,
are fully prepared for the interrogation.
Many folks have one written résumé for job seeking. They
type it up and then trudge off to the printer to get a nice neat
stack to send to all prospective employers. The résumé lists their
previous positions, dates of employment, and education. Then, at
the bottom, they might as well have scribbled, “Well, that’s me.
Take it or leave it.” And usually they get left. Why? Because prospective employers do not find enough specific points in the
résumé that relate directly to what their firm is seeking.
Boys and girls in the big leagues, however, have bits and bytes
of their entire work experience tucked away in their computers.
When applying for a job, they punch up only the appropriate data
and print it out so it looks like it just came from the printer.
My friend Roberto was out of work last year. He applied for
two positions:a sales manager of an ice cream company and head
of strategic planning for a fast-food chain. He did extensive
research and found the ice cream company had deep sales difficulties and the food chain had long-range international aspirations.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Know What to Say When They Ask, “What Do You Do?”
Did he send the same résumé to each? Absolutely not. His résumé
never deviated one iota from the truth of his background. However, for the ice cream company, he highlighted his experience
turning a small company around by doubling its sales in three
years. For the food chain, he underscored his experience working
in Europe and his knowledge of foreign markets.
Both firms offered Roberto the job. Now he could play them
off against each other. He went to each, explaining he’d like to
work for them but another firm was offering a higher salary or
more perks. The two firms started bidding against each other for
Roberto. He finally chose the food chain at almost double the
salary they originally offered him.
To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal
résumé with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae. Instead of having one answer to the omnipresent
“What do you do?” prepare a dozen or so variations, depending
on who’s asking. For optimum networking, every time someone
asks about your job, give a calculated oral résumé in a nutshell.
Before you submit your answer, consider what possible interest the
asker could have in you and your work.
“Here’s How My Life Can Benefit Yours”
Top salespeople talk extensively of the “benefit statement.” They
know, when talking with a potential client, they should open their
conversation with a benefit statement. When my colleague Brian
makes cold calls, instead of saying “Hello, my name is Brian Tracy.
I’m a sales trainer,” he says, “Hello, my name is Brian Tracy from
the Institute for Executive Development. Would you be interested
in a proven method that can increase your sales from 20 to 30 percent over the next twelve months?” That is his benefit statement.
He highlights the specific benefits of what he has to offer to his
How to Talk to Anyone
My hairdresser Gloria, I discovered, gives a terrific benefit
statement to everyone she meets. That’s probably why she has so
many clients. In fact, that’s how she got me as a client. When I
met Gloria at a convention, she told me she was a hairdresser who
specialized in flexible hairstyles for the businesswoman. She casually mentioned she has many clients who choose a conservative
hairstyle for work that they can instantly convert to a feminine
style for social situations. “Hey, that’s me,” I said to myself, fingering my stringy little ponytail. I asked for her card and Gloria
became my hairdresser.
Then, several months later, I happened to see Gloria at
another event. I overheard her chatting with a stylish grey-haired
woman at the buffet table. Gloria was saying “. . . and we specialize
in a wonderful array of blue rinses.” Now that was news to me! I
didn’t remember seeing one grey head in her salon.
As I was leaving the party, Gloria was out on the lawn talking
animatedly with the host’s teenage daughters. “Oh yeah,” she was
saying, “like we specialize in these really cool up-to-the-minute
styles.” Good for you, Gloria!
Like Gloria the hairdresser, give your response a once-over
before answering the inevitable “What do you do?” When someone asks, never give just a one-word answer. That’s for forms. If
business networking is on your mind, ask yourself, “How could
my professional experience benefit this person’s life?” For example,
here are some descriptions various people might put on their tax
Real estate agent
Financial planner
Martial arts instructor
Cosmetic surgeon
How to Know What to Say When They Ask, “What Do You Do?”
Any practitioner of the above professions should reflect on the
benefit his or her job has to humankind. (Every job has some benefit or you wouldn’t get paid to do it.) The advice to the folks
above is
Don’t say “real estate agent.” Say “I help people moving into
our area find the right home.”
Don’t say “financial planner.” Say “I help people plan their
financial future.”
Don’t say “martial arts instructor.” Say “I help people defend
themselves by teaching martial arts.”
Don’t say “cosmetic surgeon.” Say “I reconstruct people’s faces
after disfiguring accidents.” (Or, if you’re talking with a
woman “of a certain age,” as the French so gracefully say, tell
her, “I help people to look as young as they feel through cosmetic surgery.”)
Don’t say “hairdresser.” Say “I help a woman find the right
hairstyle for her particular face.” (Go, Gloria!)
Putting the benefit statement in your verbal “Nutshell
Résumé” brings your job to life and makes it memorable. Even if
your new acquaintance can’t use your services, the next time he or
she meets someone moving into the area, wanting to plan their
financial future, thinking of self defense, considering cosmetic surgery, or needing a new hairstyle, who comes to mind? Not the
unimaginative people who gave the tax-return description of their
jobs, but the big winners who painted a picture of helping people
with needs.
A Nutshell Résumé for Your Private Life
The Nutshell Résumé works in nonbusiness situations, too. Since
the new acquaintances will always ask you about yourself, prepare
How to Talk to Anyone
a few exciting stock answers. When meeting a potential friend or
loved one, make your life sound like you will be a fun person to
As a young girl, I wrote novels in my mind about my life.
“Leil, squinting her eyes against the torrential downpour, bravely
reached out the window into the icy storm to pull the shutters
tight and keep the family safe from the approaching hurricane.”
Big deal—Mama asked me to close the windows when it started
to rain. Still, marching toward the open window, I fancied myself
the family’s brave savior.
You don’t need to be quite so melodramatic in your self-image,
but at least punch up your life to sound interesting and dedicated.
Technique #25
The Nutshell Résumé
Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written
résumé off their printers for each position they’re
applying for, let a different true story about your
professional life roll off your tongue for each listener.
Before responding to “What do you do?” ask yourself,
“What possible interest could this person have in my
answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me?
Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?”
Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own
life to work into your communications bag of tricks.
26 How to Sound Even
Smarter Than You Are
Did you ever hear someone try to say a word that was just too darn
big for his tongue? By the smile on the speaker’s face and the gleam
in his eye as the word limped off his lips, you knew he was really
proud of it. (To make matters worse, he probably used the word
incorrectly, inappropriately, and maybe even mispronounced it.
The world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more
creative, more intelligent. People with larger vocabularies get hired
quicker, promoted faster, and listened to a whole lot more. So big
winners use rich, full words, but they never sound inappropriate.
The phrases slide gracefully off their tongues to enrich their conversation. The words fit. With the care that they choose their tie
or their blouse, big players in life choose words to match their personalities and their points.
The startling good news is that the difference between a
respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about fifty words!
You don’t need much to sound like a big winner. A mere few dozen
wonderful words will give everyone the impression that you have
an original and creative mind.
Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You needn’t pore over
vocabulary books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
impossible British accents. You don’t need to learn two-dollar
words that your grandmother, if she heard, would wash out of
your mouth with soap.
All you need to do is think of a few tired, overworked words
you use every day—words like smart, nice, pretty, or good. Then
grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms off the shelf. Look up that
common word even you are bored hearing yourself utter every day.
Examine your long list of alternatives.
For example, if you turn to the word smart, you’ll find dozens
of synonyms. Some words are colorful and rich like ingenious,
resourceful, adroit, shrewd, and many more. Run down the list and
say each out loud. Which ones fit your personality? Which ones
seem right for you? Try each on like a suit of clothes to see which
feel comfortable. Choose a few favorites and practice saying them
aloud until they become a natural staple of your vocabulary. The
next time you want to compliment someone on being smart, say,
you’ll be purring
“Oh, that was so clever of you.”
“My how resourceful.”
“That was ingenious.”
Or maybe, “How astute of you.”
And Now, for Men Only
Gentlemen, we women spend a lot of time in front of the mirror
(as if you didn’t know). When I was in college, it used to take me
a full fifteen minutes to fix myself up for a date. Every year since,
I’ve had to add a few minutes. I’m now up to an hour and a half
gussying myself up for an evening out.
Gentlemen, when your wife comes down the staircase all
dolled up for a night out, or you pick a lady up for dinner, what
do you say? If you make no comment except, “Well, are you ready
to go?” how do you think that makes the lady feel?
How to Sound Even Smarter Than You Are
My friend Gary is a nice gentleman and he occasionally takes
me to dinner. I met him about twelve years ago, and I’ll never forget the first time he arrived on my doorstep for our date. He said,
“Leil, you look great.” I adored his reaction!
I saw Gary a month or so later. On my doorstep again, “Leil,
you look great.” The precise same words as the first time, but I
still appreciated it.
It’s been twelve long years now that this gentleman and I have
been friends. I see him about once every two months, and every
darn time it’s the same old comment, “Leil, you look great.” (I
think I’ll show up one evening in a flannel nightshirt and a mud
pack on my face. I swear Gary will say, “Leil, you look great.”)
During my seminars, to help men avoid Gary’s mistake, I ask
every male to think of a synonym for pretty or great. Then I bring
up one woman and several men. I ask each to pretend he is her
husband. She has just come down the stairs ready to go out to dinner. I ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment.
“Darla,” one says, “you look elegant.”
“Ooh!” Every woman in the room sighs.
“Darla,” says another, taking her hand, “you look stunning.”
“Ooh!” Every woman in the room swoons.
“Darla,” says the third, putting her hand between his, “you
look ravishing.”
“Ooooh!” By now every woman in the room has gone limp.
Pay attention men! Words work on us women.
More Unisex Suggestions
Suppose you’ve been at a party and it was wonderful. Don’t tell
the hosts it was wonderful. Everybody says that. Tell them it was
a splendid party, a superb party, an extraordinary party. Hug the
hosts and tell them you had a magnificent time, a remarkable time,
a glorious time.
How to Talk to Anyone
The first few times you say a word like glorious, it may not roll
comfortably off your tongue. Yet you have no trouble with the
word wonderful. Hmm, glor-i-ous doesn’t have any more syllables
than won-der-ful. Neither does it have any more difficult sounds
to pronounce. Vocabulary is all a matter of familiarity. Use your
new favorite words a few times and, just like breaking in a new
pair of shoes, you’ll be very comfortable wearing your glorious new
Technique #26
Your Personal Thesaurus
Look up some common words you use every day in the
thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair
of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see
how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent
Remember, only fifty words makes the difference
between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average,
middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for
two months and you’ll be in the verbally elite.
27 How to Not Sound
Anxious (Let Them
Discover Your Similarity)
Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats
scramble around with other little alley cats. Similarity breeds
attraction. But in the human jungle, big cats know a secret. When
you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has
much more punch. Above all, you don’t want to sound anxious to
have rapport.
Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of jumping in with a breathless, “Hey, me, too! I do
that, too” or “I know all about that,” let your conversation partner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club
before you tell her you’re a member, too. Let him go on analyzing
the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let
her tell you how many tennis games she’s won before you just happen to mention your USTA ranking.
Several years ago, I was telling a new acquaintance how much
I love to ski. He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed
travelogue of places I’d skied. I raved about the various resorts. I
analyzed the various conditions. I discussed artificial versus natural snow. It wasn’t until near the end of my monologue that I
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied. He
replied, “Yes, I keep a little apartment in Aspen.”
Cool! If he’d jumped in and told me about his ski pad right
after I first told him how much I liked skiing, I’d have been
impressed. Mildly. However, waiting until the end of our conversation—and then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept
an Aspen ski pad—made it unforgettable.
Here’s the technique I call “Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’ ” Whenever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them
enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casually mention you share their interest.
Oh, I Must Have Been Boring You
I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the
moment presented itself at a convention. A new contact began
telling me about her recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no
idea that Washington was where I grew up.) She told me all about
the Capitol, the Washington Monument, the Kennedy Center, and
how she and her husband went bicycling in Rock Creek Park.
(Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practice
my new technique. I was genuinely enjoying hearing about these
familiar sights from a visitor’s perspective.)
I asked her where she stayed, where she dined, and if she had
a chance to get into any of the beautiful Maryland or Virginia suburbs. At one point, obviously pleased by my interest in her trip,
she said, “You sound like you know a lot about Washington.”
“Yes,” I replied. “It’s my hometown, but I haven’t been back
there in ages.”
“Your hometown!” she squealed. “My goodness, why didn’t
you tell me? I must have been boring you.”
“Oh, not at all,” I replied honestly. “I was enjoying hearing
about your trip so much, I was afraid you’d stop if I told you.” Her
How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover Your Similarity)
big smile and barely audible “Oh gosh” let me know I had won a
new friend.
When someone starts telling you about an activity he has
done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she
has—anything that you share—bite your tongue. Let the teller
relish his or her own monologue. Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly
knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have
when you reveal you share the same experience. Then, when the
moment is ripe, casually disclose your similarity. And be sure to
mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared
Technique #27
Kill the Quick “Me, Too!”
Whenever you have something in common with
someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more
moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as
a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for
quick connection with a stranger.
P.S.: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared
interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky.
28 How to Be a “You✰
Firstie” to Gain Their
Respect and Affection
“SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . ” Two-bit comics have
been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a
foursquare meal. However, big winners know there’s a three-letter
word more potent then SEX to get people’s attention. That word
is YOU.
Why is you such a powerful word? Because when we were
infants, we thought we were the center of the universe. Nothing
mattered but ME, MYSELF, and I. The rest of the shadowy forms
stirring about us (which we later learned were other people) existed
solely for what they could do for us. Self-centered little tykes that
we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word, into,
“How does that affect ME?”
Big winners know we haven’t changed a bit. Adults camouflage
their self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness.
Yet the human brain still immediately, instinctively, and unfailingly
translates everything into terms of “How does that affect ME?”
For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague,
Jill, if she would like to join you for dinner. So you say to her,
“There’s a really good new Indian restaurant in town. Will you
join me there for dinner tonight?”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Be a “ You-Firstie” to Gain Their Respect and Affection
Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, “By ‘good’ does
he mean the food or the atmosphere or both?” Her reverie continues, “Indian cuisine, I’m not sure. He says it’s good. However,
will I like it?” While thinking, Jill hesitates. You probably take her
hesitation personally, and the joy of the exchange diminishes.
Suppose, instead, you had said to her, “Jill, you will really love
this new Indian restaurant. Will you join me there this evening
for dinner?” Phrasing it that way, you’ve already subliminally
answered Jill’s questions and she’s more apt to give you a quick
The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Psychologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that
which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful.
For many people, thinking is painful.
So big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by,
sell to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them.
They translate everything into the other person’s terms by starting
as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter
word, you. Thus, I call the technique “Comm-YOU-nication.”
Comm-YOU-nicate When You
Want a Favor
Putting you first gets a much better response, especially when
you’re asking a favor, because it pushes the asker’s pride button.
Suppose you want to take a long weekend. You decide to ask your
boss if you can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or
she is going to react to more positively? “Can I take Friday off,
Boss?” Or this one: “Boss, can you do without me Friday?”
In the first case, Boss had to translate your “Can I take Friday
off ?” into “Can I do without this employee Friday?” That’s an extra
thought process. (And you know how some bosses hate to think!)
How to Talk to Anyone
However, in the second case, “Boss, can you do without me
Friday,” you did Boss’s thinking for her. Your new wording made
managing without you a matter of pride for Boss. “Of course,” she
said to herself. “I can manage without your help Friday.”
Comm-YOU-nicate Your Compliments
Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Gentlemen, say a lady likes your suit. Which woman gives you warmer
feelings? The woman who says, “I like your suit.” Or the one who
says, “You look great in that suit.”
Big players who make business presentations use CommYOU-nication to excellent advantage. Suppose you’re giving a talk
and a participant asks a question. He likes to hear you say, “That’s
a good question.” However, consider how much better he feels
when you tell him, “You’ve asked a good question.”
Salespeople, don’t just tell your prospects, “It’s important that
. . . . ” Convince them by informing them, “You’ll see the importance of. . . . ”
When negotiating, instead of, “The result will be . . . ” let
them know, “You’ll see the result when you. . . .”
Starting sentences with you even works when talking to
strangers on the street. Once, driving around San Francisco hopelessly lost, I asked people walking along the sidewalk how to get
to the Golden Gate Bridge. I stopped a couple trudging up a hill.
“Excuse me,” I called out the window, “I can’t find the Golden
Gate Bridge.” The pair looked at each other and shrugged with
that “How stupid can these tourists get” look on their faces. “That
direction,” the husband mumbled, pointing straight ahead.
Still lost, I called out to the next couple I encountered.
“Excuse me, where’s the Golden Gate Bridge?” Without smiling,
they pointed in the opposite direction.
How to Be a “ You-Firstie” to Gain Their Respect and Affection
Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came
upon the next strolling couple, I called out the window, “Excuse
me, could you tell me where the Golden Gate Bridge is?”
“Of course,” they said, answering my question literally. You
see, by phrasing the question that way, it was a subtle challenge. I
was asking, in essence, “Are you able to give me directions?” This
hits them in the pride button. They walked over to my car and
gave me explicit instructions.
“Hey,” I thought. “This you stuff really works.” To test my
hypothesis, I tried it a few more times. I kept asking passersby my
three forms of the question. Sure enough, whenever I asked,
“Could you tell me where . . .” people were more pleasant and helpful than when I started the question with I or where.
Technique #28
Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your listener’s attention. It gets a more
positive response because it pushes the pride button
and saves them having to translate it into “me” terms.
When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and
pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners
find it an irresistible spice.
I’m sure when they recover the flight box from the Fall of Man
under a fig leaf in the Garden of Eden, it will convince the world
of the power of the word you. Eve did not ask Adam to eat the
apple. She did not command him to eat the apple. She didn’t even
How to Talk to Anyone
say, “Adam, I want you to eat this apple.” She phrased it (as all big
winners would), “You will love this apple.” That’s why he bit.
Comm-YOU-nication Is a Sign of Sanity
Therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say I and me
twelve times more often than residents of the outside world. As
patients’ conditions improve, the number of times they use the
personal pronouns also diminishes.
Continuing up the sanity scale, the fewer times you use I, the
more sane you seem to your listeners. If you eavesdrop on big winners talking with each other, you’ll notice a lot more you than I in
their conversation.
The next technique concerns a way big winners are silently
29 How to Make Them Feel
You “Don’t Smile at
Just Anybody”
Have you ever seen those low-budget, mail-order fashion catalogues that use the same model throughout? Whether she is
engulfed in a wedding gown or partially clad in a bikini, her face
sports the same plastic smile. Looking at her, you get the feeling
if you rapped on her forehead, a tiny voice would come back saying “Nobody’s in here.”
Whereas models in more sophisticated magazines have mastered a myriad of different expressions: a flirtatious “I’ve got a
secret” smile on one page; a quizzical “I think I’d like to get to
know you but I’m not sure” smile on the next; and a mysterious
Mona Lisa smile on the third. You feel there’s a brain running the
operation somewhere inside that beautiful head.
I once stood in the receiving line of the ship I worked on,
along with the captain, his wife, and several other officers. One
passenger with a radiant smile started shaking hands down our
line. When he got to me, he flashed a shimmering smile, revealing teeth as even and white as keys on a new piano. I was transfixed. It was as though a brilliant light had illuminated the dim
ballroom. I wished him a happy cruise and resolved to find this
charming gentleman later.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Then he was introduced to the next person. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his identical glistening grin. A third person,
the same grin. My interest began to dwindle.
When he gave his fourth indistinguishable smile to the next
person, he started to resemble a Cheshire cat. By the time he was
introduced to the fifth person, his consistent smile felt like a strobe
light disturbing the ambience of the ballroom. Strobe Man went
on flashing everybody the same smile down the line. I had no further interest in talking with him.
Why did this man’s stock shoot high in my ticker one minute
and plummet the next? Because his smile, although charming,
reflected no special reaction to me. Obviously, he gave the same
smile to everybody and, by that, it lost all its specialness. If Strobe
Man had given each of us a slightly different smile, he would have
appeared sensitive and insightful. (Of course, if his smile had been
just a tad bigger for me than for the others, I couldn’t have waited
for the formalities to be over to seek him out in the crowded
Review Your Repertoire of Smiles
If your job required you to carry a gun, you would, of course, learn
all about the moving parts before firing it. And before taking aim,
you would carefully consider whether it would murder, maim, or
merely wound your target. Since your smile is one of your biggest
communications weapons, learn all about the moving parts and the
effect on your target. Set aside five minutes. Lock your bedroom or
bathroom door so your family doesn’t think you’ve gone off the
deep end. Now stand in front of the mirror and flash a few smiles.
Discover the subtle differences in your repertoire.
Just as you would alternate saying “Hello,” “How do you do,”
and “I am pleased to meet you” when being introduced to a group
How to Make Them Feel You “Don’t Smile at Just Anybody”
of people, vary your smile. Don’t use the same on each. Let each
of your smiles reflect the nuances of your sentiment about the
Technique #29
The Exclusive Smile
If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confederate dollar, it loses value. When meeting groups of
people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles
grow out of the beauty big players find in each new
If one person in a group is more important to you
than the others, reserve an especially big, flooding smile
just for him or her.
In Defense of the Quickie
There are times, I discovered, when the quick put-on smile works.
For example, when you want to engineer the acquaintance of
someone to whom you have not had the opportunity to be introduced. (In the vernacular, that’s “pick them up.”)
The smile’s pickup power was proven for posterity by solemn
researchers at the University of Missouri. They conducted a highly
controlled study titled “Giving Men the Come-On: Effect of Eye
Contact and Smiling in a Bar Environment.”15 (I kid you not.) To
prove their hypothesis, female researchers made eye contact with
unsuspecting male subjects enjoying a little libation in a local
drinking establishment. Sometimes, the female researchers followed their glance with a smile. In other cases, no smile.
How to Talk to Anyone
The results? I quote the study: “The highest approach behavior, 60 percent, was observed in the condition in which there was
smiling.” That translates into layman’s English: “The guy came
over 60 percent of the time when the lady smiled.” Without the
smile, he “made the approach only 20 percent of the time.” So,
yes, a smile works for those who wish to pick somebody up.
However, in situations where the stakes are higher, try The
Flooding Smile from the first section and now The Exclusive
30 How to Avoid Sounding
Like a Jerk
Do you remember that scene from the movie classic Annie Hall
where Diane Keaton is first meeting Woody Allen? As she’s chatting with him, we hear her private thoughts. She’s musing to herself, “Oh I hope he’s not a jerk like all the others.”
One of the quickest ways to make a big winner think you are,
well, a jerk, is to use a cliché. If you’re chatting with a top communicator and even innocently remark “Yes, I was tired as a dog,”
or “She was cute as a button,” you’ve unknowingly laid a linguistic bomb.
Big winners silently moan when they hear someone mouth a
trite overworn phrase. Oh sure, just like the rest of us, big winners find themselves feeling fit as a fiddle, happy as a lark, or high
as a kite. Like the rest of humanity, they consider some of their
acquaintances crazy as a loon, nutty as a fruitcake, or blind as a
bat. Because many of them work hard, many of them are as busy
as a bee and get rich as Croesus.
Yet would any of them describe themselves in those words?
Not in a coon’s age! Why? Because when a big winner hears your
cliché, you might as well be saying, “My powers of imagination
are impoverished. I can’t think of anything original to say, so I
must fall back on these trite overworn phrases.” Mouthing a com119
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
mon cliché around uncommonly successful people brands you as
uncommonly common.
Technique #30
Don’t Touch a Cliché with a Ten-Foot Pole
Be on guard. Don’t use any clichés when chatting with
big winners. Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole.
Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you
want to sound dumb as a doorknob.
Instead of coughing up a cliché, roll your own
clever phrases by using the next technique.
31 How to Use
Motivational Speakers’
Techniques to Enhance
Your Conversation
They say the pen is mightier than the sword. It is, but the tongue
is even mightier than the pen. Our tongues can bring crowds to
laughter, to tears, and often to their feet in shouting appreciation.
Orators have moved nations to war or brought lost souls to God.
And what is their equipment? The same eyes, ears, hands, legs,
arms, and vocal chords you and I have.
Perhaps a professional athlete has a stronger body or a professional singer is blessed with a more beautiful singing voice than
the one we were doled out. But the professional speaker starts out
with the same equipment we all have. The difference is, these jawsmiths use it all. They use their hands, they use their bodies, and
they use specific gestures with heavy impact. They think about the
space they’re talking in. They employ many different tones of
voice, they invoke various expressions, they vary the speed with
which they speak . . . and they make effective use of silence.
You may not have to make a formal speech anytime soon, but
chances are sometime (probably very soon) you’re going to want
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
people to see things your way. Whether it’s persuading your family to spend their next vacation at Grandma’s, or convincing the
stockholders in your multimillion-dollar corporation that it’s time
to do a takeover, do it like a pro. Get a book or two on public
speaking and learn some of the tricks of the trade. Then put some
of that drama into your everyday conversation.
A Gem for Every Occasion
If stirring words help make your point, ponder the impact of powerful phrases. They’ve helped politicians get elected (“Read my
lips: no new taxes.”) and defendants get acquitted (“If it doesn’t
fit, you must acquit.”).
If George H. W. Bush had said, “I promise not to raise taxes,”
or Johnny Cochran, during O. J. Simpson’s criminal trial, had said,
“If the glove doesn’t fit, he must be innocent,” their bulky sentences would have slipped in and out of the voter’s or juror’s consciousness. As every politician and trial lawyer knows, neat phrases
make powerful weapons. (If you’re not careful, your enemies will
later use them against you—read my lips!)
One of my favorite speakers is a radio broadcaster named
Barry Farber who brightens up late-night radio with sparkling similes. Barry would never use a cliché like “nervous as a cat on a hot
tin roof.” He’d describe being nervous about losing his job as “I
felt like an elephant dangling over a cliff with his tail tied to a
daisy.” Instead of saying he looked at a pretty woman, he’d say,
“My eyeballs popped out and dangled by the optic nerve.”
When I first met him, I asked, “Mr. Farber, how do you come
up with these phrases?”
“My daddy’s Mr. Farber. I’m Barry,” he chided (his way of saying, “Call me Barry”). He then candidly admitted, although some
of his phrases are original, many are borrowed. (Elvis Presley used
How to Use Motivational Speakers’ Techniques to Enhance Your Conversation 123
to say, “My daddy’s Mr. Presley. Call me Elvis.”) Like all professional speakers, Barry spends several hours a week gleaning
through books of quotations and humor. All professional speakers
do. They collect bon mots they can use in a variety of situations—
most especially to scrape egg off their faces when something unexpected happens.
Many speakers use author’s and speaker’s agent Lilly Walters’s
face-saver lines from her book, What to Say When You’re Dying on
the Platform.16 If you tell a joke and no one laughs, try “That joke
was designed to get a silent laugh—and it worked.” If the microphone lets out an agonizing howl, look at it and say, “I don’t understand. I brushed my teeth this morning.” If someone asks you a
question you don’t want to answer, “Could you save that question
until I’m finished—and well on my way home?” All pros think of
holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines.
You can do the same.
Look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day conversations. Instead of “happy as a lark” try “happy as a lottery winner” or “happy as a baby with its first ice cream cone.” Instead of
“bald as an eagle,” try “bald as a new marine” or “bald as a bullfrog’s belly.” Instead of “quiet as a mouse,” try “quiet as an eel
swimming in oil” or “quiet as a fly lighting on a feather duster.”
Find phrases that have visual impact. Instead of a cliché like
“sure as death and taxes,” try “as certain as beach traffic in July”
or “as sure as your shadow will follow you.” Your listeners can’t see
death or taxes. But they sure can see beach traffic in July or their
shadow following them down the street.
Try to make your similes relate to the situation. If you’re riding in a taxi with someone, “as sure as that taxi meter will rise” has
immediate impact. If you’re talking with a man walking his dog,
“as sure as your dog is thinking about that tree” adds a touch of
How to Talk to Anyone
Make ’Em Laugh, Make ’Em Laugh,
Make ’Em Laugh
Humor enriches any conversation. But not jokes starting with,
“Hey didja hear the one about . . . ?” Plan your humor and make
it relevant. For example, if you’re going to a meeting on the budget, look up money in a quotation book. In an uptight business
situation, a little levity shows you’re at ease.
Once, during an oppressive financial meeting, I heard a top
executive say, “Don’t worry, this company has enough money to
stay in business for years—unless we pay our creditors.” He broke
the tension and won the appreciation of all. Later I saw a similar
quote in a humor book attributed to Jackie Mason, the comedian.
So what? The exec still came across as a cool communicator with
his clever comment.
Big players who want to be quoted in the media lie awake at
night gnawing the pillow trying to come up with phrases the press
will pick up. A Michigan veterinarian named Timothy, a heavy
hitter in his own field but completely unknown outside it, made
national headlines when he planned to attach a pair of feet to a
rooster who lost his to frostbite. Why? Because he called it a
“drumstick transplant.”
I don’t know if a French woman, Jeanne Calment, then officially the world’s oldest person, was looking for publicity on her
122nd birthday. But she made international headlines when she told
the media, “I’ve only ever had one wrinkle, and I’m sitting on it.”
Mark Victor Hansen, a big player in his own field but once relatively unknown outside of it, was propelled into national prominence when he came up with a catchy name for his book
coauthored with Jack Canfield, Chicken Soup for the Soul. He told
me his original title was 101 Pretty Stories. How far would that have
gone? Soon the world was lapping up, among others, his Chicken
How to Use Motivational Speakers’ Techniques to Enhance Your Conversation 125
Soup for the Woman’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul,
Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Christian
Soul, plus second, third, and fourth servings of chicken soup in
hardcover, paperback, audiocassette, videocassette, and calendars.
A Word of Warning
No matter how good your material is, it bombs if it doesn’t fit the
situation. I learned this the hard way during my cruise ship days.
On a cruise to England I decided to give my passengers a reading
of the English love poems of Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. You know, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” It
was a BIG hit. The passengers loved it and raved for days. I
couldn’t walk out on deck without some passenger turning to me
and affectionately echoing, “How do I love thee?”
Technique #31
Use Jawsmith’s Jive
Whether you’re standing behind a podium facing
thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your
family, you’ll move, amuse, and motivate with the
same skills.
Read speakers’ books to cull quotations, pull pearls
of wisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones.
Find a few bon mots to let casually slide off your
tongue on chosen occasions. If you want to be notable,
dream up a crazy quotable.
Make ’em rhyme, make ’em clever, or make ’em
funny. Above all, make ’em relevant.
How to Talk to Anyone
Naturally I got a pretty swollen head over this performance
and fancied myself an eminent poetry reader. I decided to reward
the passengers on the next cruise (which was a cruise to the
Caribbean and didn’t go anywhere in the neighborhood of
England) with my spectacular reading of the English love poems.
WHAT A BOMB! Passengers avoided me on the deck for the rest
of the cruise. “How did you bore me? Let me count the ways.”
32 How to Banter Like the
Big Shots Do (Big
Winners Tell It Like It Is)
If you stepped into an elevator full of people speaking Hungarian, you might not recognize they were Hungarian unless you
spoke their language. However, the minute you opened your
mouth, they’d recognize you’re not Hungarian.
It’s the same with the big cats. If you overhear several of them
speaking, you might not recognize they’re big cats. However, the
minute you opened your mouth they’d recognize you’re not a big
cat, unless you spoke their lingo.
What are some differences between a big cat’s growl and a little cat’s insignificant hiss? One of the most blatant is euphemisms.
Big cats aren’t afraid of real words. They call a spade a spade.
Words like toilet paper don’t scare them. Little cats hide behind
bathroom tissue. If somebody is rich, big cats call it “rich.” Little
cats, oh so embarrassed at the concept of talking about money in
polite company, substitute the word wealthy. When little cats use
a substitute word or euphemism, they might as well be saying,
“Whoops, you are better than I am. I’m in polite company now
and so I’ll use the nicey-nice word.”
Big cats are anatomically correct—no cutesy words for body
parts. They’ll say “breasts” when they mean breasts. When they
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
say “knockers,” they mean decorative structures that hang on the
front door. And “family jewels” are in the safe on the wall.
If a big cat is ever in doubt about a word, he or she simply
resorts to French. If they feel the word buttocks is debatable, derriere will do quite nicely, thank you.
Technique #32
Call a Spade a Spade
Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade.
That doesn’t mean big cats use tasteless four-letter
words when perfectly decent five- and six-letter ones
exist. They’ve simply learned the King’s English, and
they speak it.
Here’s another way to tell the big players from the
little ones just by listening to a few minutes of their
33 How to Avoid the
World’s Worst
Conversational Habit
Once I was at a small dinner party given by the president of an
advertising agency, Louis, and his wife, Lillian. The evening
started with cocktails, followed by a gourmet meal accompanied
by a selection of excellent wines. The conversation had been convivial, the cuisine delicious, and the wine very fine. And very plentiful. At the end of the evening, Louis raised his glass to make a
toast. A few wine droplets sloshed out of his glass onto the
A pretty young woman who was the date of a new art director named Bob giggled and said, “I can tell you’re feeling no pain.”
Shock waves went around the table. Everyone froze. The host
was indeed a bit inebriated. However, alluding to Louis being a
little looped, even in jest, was as though the woman had suddenly
smashed the crystal chandelier above the table with her dinner
One guest quickly covered the girl’s horrifying gaffe by lifting her glass and saying “None of us is. No one in the company
of Louis and Lillian could ever feel any pain. Here’s to a truly wonderful evening.”
Louis then continued with his toast to the wonderful company, and no one was feeling pain any longer. Except Bob. He
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
knew his date’s innocent teasing was a black mark, if not in his
personnel file, on his personal file.
The next sure sign of a little cathood is teasing. Little cats go
around patting their friends’ paunches and saying, “Enjoying that
cheesecake, huh?” Or looking at their balding heads and saying,
“Hey, hair today, gone tomorrow, huh?” They think it’s hilarious
to make a quip at someone else’s expense and say “You don’t have
an inferiority complex. You are inferior! Hardy har har.”
Technique #33
Trash the Teasing
A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to
tease. An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may
get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will
have the last one. Because you’ll bang your head against
the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from
stepping on their paws.
Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense.
You’ll wind up paying for it, dearly.
34 How to Give Them the
Bad News (and Have
Them Like You All
the More)
In ancient Egypt, the pharaoh treated the humblest message runner like a prince when he arrived at the palace, if he brought good
news. However, if the exhausted runner had the misfortune to
bring the pharaoh unhappy news, his head was chopped off.
Shades of that spirit pervade today’s conversations. Once a
friend and I packed up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
for an outing. As we waltzed happily out the door, picnic basket
in hand, a smiling neighbor, rocking away on his porch, looked
up at the sky and said, “Oh boy, bad day for a picnic. The newscast says it’s going to rain.” I wanted to rub his face in my peanut
butter and jelly sandwich. Not for his gloomy weather report, for
his smile.
Several months ago I was racing to catch a bus. As I breathlessly shoved my handful of cash across the Greyhound counter,
the grinning sales agent gushed, “Oh that bus left five minutes
ago.” Dreams of decapitation!
It’s not the news that makes someone angry. It’s the unsympathetic attitude with which it’s delivered. Everyone must give bad
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
news from time to time, and winning professionals do it with the
proper attitude. A doctor advising a patient she needs an operation does it with compassion. A boss informing an employee he
didn’t get the job takes on a sympathetic demeanor. Grief counselors at airports after fatal crashes share the grief-stricken sentiment of relatives. Big winners know, when delivering any bad
news, they should share the sentiment of the receiver.
Unfortunately, many people are not aware of this sensitivity.
When you’re weary from a long flight, has a hotel clerk cheerfully
chirped that your room isn’t ready yet? When you had your heart
set on the roast beef, has your waiter merrily warbled that he just
served the last piece? When you needed cash for the weekend, has
your bank teller gleefully told you your account is overdrawn? It
makes you as traveler, diner, or depositor want to put your fist
right through their insensitive grins.
Technique #34
It’s the Receiver’s Ball
A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time
clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball
with the receiver always in mind.
Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in
mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not
according to how you feel about the news, but how the
receiver will take it.
Had my neighbor told me of the impending rainstorm with
sympathy, I would have appreciated his warning. Had the Greyhound salesclerk sympathetically informed me that my bus had
already left, I probably would have said, “Oh, that’s all right.
How to Give Them the Bad News (and Have Them Like You All the More) 133
I’ll catch the next one.” Big winners, when they bear bad news,
deliver bombs with the emotion the bombarded person is sure to
Big winners know how to give bad news to people. They also
know how not to give any news to anyone, even when people are
pressuring them. Let’s explore that next.
35 How to Respond When
You Don’t Want to
Answer (and Wish They’d
Shut the Heck Up)
One of my clients Barbara, a ministar in the furniture business,
recently separated from her husband and business partner, Frank,
a megastar in the furniture business. They suffered a long and
messy divorce that resulted in them keeping the business jointly
but not having to deal with each other.
Soon after the divorce, I was at an industry convention with
Barbara. Since she and Frank were both beloved in the industry,
people were curious about what had happened and how it affected
their company. But, of course, no one dared ask outright. And Barbara was offering no explanations.
I was seated next to Barbara at the gala farewell dinner. Apparently one of her colleagues at the table couldn’t contain her curiosity any longer. During dessert, she leaned over to Barbara and in
a hushed voice asked, “Barbara, what happened with you and
Barbara, unruffled by the rude question, simply took a spoonful of her cherries jubilee and said, “We’ve separated, but the company is unaffected.”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Respond When You Don’t Want to Answer
Not satisfied with that answer, the woman pumped harder.
“Are you still working together?”
Barbara took another bite of her dessert and repeated in precisely the same tone of voice, “We’ve separated, but the company
is unaffected.”
The frustrated interrogator was not going to give up easily.
“Are you both still working in the company?”
Barbara, appearing not the least disturbed by the woman’s
incontinent insistence, scooped the last cherry out of her dish,
smiled, looked directly at her, and said in the identical tone of
voice, “We’ve separated, but the company is unaffected.”
That shut her up. Barbara had shown her big winner’s badge
by using “The Broken Record” technique, the most effective way
to curtail an unwelcome cross-examination.
Technique #35
The Broken Record
Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an
unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original
response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the
same tone of voice. Hearing it again usually quiets
them down. If your rude interrogator hangs on like a
leech, your next repetition never fails to flick them off.
36 How to Talk to a
Suppose you’ve just settled in for dinner at a nice restaurant. You
look over at the next table, and who do you see? Is it really he?
Could it possibly be? It’s gotta be a look-alike. No, it isn’t! It really
is . . . Woody Allen. (Substitute any celebrity here: your favorite
movie star, politician, broadcaster, boss who owns the company
that owns the company you work for.) And there the celestial body
is in the flesh, sitting not ten feet from you. What should you do?
Nothing! Big shots don’t slobber over stars. Let the luminary
enjoy a brief moment of anonymity. If he or she should cast a
glance in your direction, give a smile and a nod. Then waft your
gaze back to your dining companion. You will be a lot cooler in
the eyes of your dinner partner if you take it all in your stride.
Now, if you just can’t resist this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to press the flesh of the megastar and tell him or her of your
admiration, here’s how to do it with grace. Wait until you or the
luminary are leaving the restaurant. After the check has been paid
and you will obviously not be taking much of his or her time, you
may make your approach. Say something like, “Mr. Allen, I just
want to tell you how much pleasure your wonderful films have
given me over the years. Thank you so much.”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to a Celebrity
Did you pick up the subtlety here? You are not complimenting his work. “After all,” he might well ask himself, “who are you
to judge whether I am a great filmmaker or not?” You can only
speak from your own perspective. You do this by telling him how
much pleasure his work has given you.
If it’s your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss whom the fates have sent
to bask in your adulation, do the same. Do not say “Bill” or “Mr.
Gates, you really run a great company.”
“Lowly geek,” he thinks, “who are you to judge?” Instead, tell
him what an honor it is to work for him. Obviously this is not the
moment to detail the intricacies of your improvements on imageediting software for digitizing photographs.
Then let your body language express that if Woody or Bill or
the other megastar wants to leave it at that, you are happy with
the exchange. If, however, the megastar is captivated by you (or
has had so much liquid merriment that he or she has decided to
mingle with the masses tonight), then all bets are off. You’re on
your own. Enjoy! Until you pick up the first body-language sign
that they would like to end it. Think of yourself as a ballroom
dance student waltzing with your teacher. He leads, you follow.
And he tells you when the waltz is over.
Incidentally, if the megastar is with a companion and your
conversation goes on for more than a few moments, direct some
comments at the companion. If the satellite is in such stellar company, he or she is probably also an accomplished person.
Felicia, a friend of mine, is a talented trial lawyer who is married to a local TV-show host. Because Tom is on television, people recognize him wherever they go, and Felicia gets ignored.
Felicia tells me how frustrating it is, even for Tom. Whenever they
go to a party, people gush all over Tom, and Felicia’s fascinating
work hardly ever gets mentioned. She and Tom used to love going
out to dinner, but now they hide out at home in the evenings.
How to Talk to Anyone
Why? Because they can’t stand the interruptions of overly effervescent fans.
“I Love What You Used to Be
[You Has-Been]”
Another sensitivity: the film star is probably obsessed with his last
film, the politician with her last election, a corporate mogul with
his last takeover, an author with her last novel—and so forth. So
when discussing the star’s, the politician’s, the mogul’s, the author’s,
or any VIP’s work, try to keep your comments to current or recent
work. Telling Woody Allen how much you loved his 1980 film
Stardust Memories would not endear you to him. “What about all
my wonderful films since?” thinks he. Stick to the present or very
recent past if possible.
Technique #36
Big Shots Don’t Slobber
People who are VIPs in their own right don’t slobber
over celebrities. When you are chatting with one, don’t
compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or
insight it’s given you. If you do single out any one of
the star’s accomplishments, make sure it’s a recent one,
not a memory that’s getting yellow in her scrapbook.
If the queen bee has a drone sitting with her, find a
way to involve him in the conversation.
A final celebrity codicil: Suppose you are fortunate enough to
have one at your party. To shine some star light on your party,
don’t ask the TV host to “say a few words.” Don’t ask the singer
How to Talk to a Celebrity
to sing a song. What looks effortless to the rest of us because they
seem so comfortable performing is work for them. You wouldn’t
ask an accountant guest to look over your books. Or a dentist to
check out your third left molar. Let the dignitary drink. Let the
luminary laugh. Celebrities are people, too, and they like their
time off.
37 How to Make Them
Want to Thank You
To wrap up our section on sounding like the big boys and big girls,
here is a simple and gracious little maneuver. It not only signals
people you’re a top communicator, but it encourages them to keep
doing nice things for you. Or complimenting you. Or doing business with you. Or loving you. It is very short. It is very sweet. It
is very simple. You can use it with everyone in your life. When it
becomes instinctive, you’ll find yourself using it every day.
Very simply, never let the phrase thank you stand naked and
alone. Always make it thank you for something. People use the
bare exposed “thank you” so often that people don’t even hear it
anymore. When we buy the morning newspaper, we flash a naked
“thank you” at the vendor when he gives us our nickel’s change. Is
that the same “thank you” you want to give a valued customer who
makes a big purchase in your store? Or a loved one who cooks you
a delicious dinner?
Whenever the occasion warrants more than an unconscious
acknowledgment, dress up your “thank you” with the reason:
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for being so understanding.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make Them Want to Thank You
Thank you for waiting.
Thank you for being such a good customer.
Thank you for being so loving.
Often, when I disembark an airplane, the captain and first
officer are standing by the cockpit door to bid the passengers
farewell. I say, “Thanks for getting us here.” Admittedly, that’s carrying “Never the Naked Thank You” technique to extremes, but
it has a surprising effect. They fall all over themselves with “Oh,
thanks for flying with us!”
Technique #37
Never the Naked Thank You
Never let the phrase “thank you” stand alone. From A
to Z, always follow it with for: from “Thank you for
asking” to “Thank you for zipping me up.”
Thank you for reading this section of How to Talk to Anyone!
Now let us move on to another conversation challenge, how to talk
knowledgeably with everyone—from groups of accountants to
Zen Buddhists—no matter how little you might have in common.
This page intentionally left blank.
How to Be an Insider
in Any Crowd
What Are They All Talking About?
Has it ever happened to you? Everyone at the party is speaking
gobbledygook. They’re all discussing faulty audits, code constraints, or the library market—and you have no idea what they’re
talking about. It’s because everybody at the party is an accountant, an architect, or a publisher—and you’re not.
So you stand there with a pasty smile on your face, not opening your mouth. If you do, you fear the wrong thing will come
out. Paranoia sets in. Everybody will snicker at you. You’re an outsider. So you suffer in silence.
In high school I suffered a massive case of Silent Outsider
Syndrome, especially around males. All they wanted to talk about
was cars. I knew nothing about cars. The only time I’d ever set
foot in a “body shop” was to get a suntan.
Well, one fateful day, Mama came home with a gift for me
that transformed my teenage existence from shy to sociable. It was
a book on all the current model cars and their differences over and
under the hood. One reading, and I became fluent in Fords,
Chevys, and Buicks. I no longer hyperventilated when boys said
words like carburetor, alternator, camshaft, or exhaust manifold. I
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
didn’t need to learn a lot, just enough to ask the right questions to
get the guys talking. When I’d learned to speak “car” with the
boys, it worked wonders for my social life.
Cut to today. We grown-up boys and girls also have our
favorite topics that usually involve our work or our hobbies. When
we’re with people in our own field or who share our interests, we
open up like small-town gossips. (Even engineers who have a constant case of cat-got-their-tongue start gabbing about greasy turbines and various projects when they’re together.) To outsiders, our
conversation sounds like gobbledygook. But we know precisely
what it’s about. It’s our own jobbeldygook or hobbydygook.
You fear you’ll find yourself in a party of squash players when
you’re the type of person who’d rather be in court than on court?
Don’t panic hearing words like lobbing and hitting rails roll off the
squash players’ tongues. So what if the only experience you’ve ever
had with squash was the mashed acorn variety on your plate next
to the turkey last Thanksgiving. All you need is the few techniques
that follow.
Just as anglers throw out a dragonfly to get the fish to bite, all
you have to do is throw out the right questions to get people to
open up. Dale Carnegie’s adage, “show sincere interest and people
will talk,” only goes so far. As they say in poker, “it takes jacks or
better to open.” And in conversation, it takes cursory knowledge
or better about their field to get them to really open up. You must
have knowledgeable curiosity, the kind that makes you sound like
you’re worth talking to.
In this section, we explore techniques that are “Open Sesames”
to get people gabbing with you like an insider.
38 How to Be a Modern✰
Day Renaissance Man
or Woman
Whenever friends visit my hometown, New York City, I warn
them “Never ask anyone riding in the subway for directions.”
“Because I’ll get mugged?” they fearfully ask.
“No, just because you’ll never get where you’re going!” Most
Big Apple subway riders know only two things about the subway:
where they get on and where they get off. They know nothing about
the rest of the system. Most people are like NYC strap-hangers
when it comes to their hobbies and interests. They know their own
pastimes, but all the others are like unvisited stations.
My unmarried (and wishing she weren’t) friend Rita has a bad
case of bowler’s thumb. Every Wednesday night she’s bowling up
a storm with her friends. She is forever discussing her scores, her
averages, and her high game. Another single and searching friend
Walter is into white-water rafting. He talks endlessly with his paddling friends about which rivers he’s run, which outfitters he’s gone
with, and which class rapids he prefers. Thinking my two single
friends might hit it off, I introduced Walter the paddler to Rita
the bowler and mentioned their respective passions.
“Oh you’re a bowler!” said Walter.
“Yes,” Rita smiled demurely, awaiting more questions about
her big bowling turn-on. Walter was silent.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Masking her disappointment, Rita said, “Uh, Leil tells me
you’re into water rafting.” Walter smiled proudly, awaiting further
friendly interrogation on paddling. “Uh, that must be exciting.
Isn’t it dangerous?” was the best Rita could do.
“No, it’s not dangerous,” Walter patronizingly responded to
her typical outsider’s question. Then the conversation died.
During the deafening silence, I remember thinking, if Rita
had run just one river, if Walter had bowled just one game, their
lives might be different now. Conversation could have flowed, and
who knows what else might have flowered.
Go Fly a Kite!
The “Scramble Therapy” technique is salvation from such disappointing encounters. It will transform you into a modern-day
Renaissance man or woman who comfortably can discuss a variety of interests.
Scramble Therapy is, quite simply, scrambling up your life and
participating in an activity you’d never think of indulging in. Just
one out of every four weekends, do something totally out of your
pattern. Do you usually play tennis on weekends? This weekend,
go hiking. Do you usually go hiking? This weekend, take a tennis lesson. Do you bowl? Leave that to your buddies this time.
Instead, go white-water rafting. Oh, you were planning on running some rapids like you do every warm weekend? Forget it, go
Go to a stamp exhibition. Go to a chess lecture. Go ballooning. Go bird-watching. Go to a pool hall. Go kayaking. Go fly a
kite! Why? Because it will give you conversational fodder for the
rest of your life. From that weekend on, you’ll sound like an
insider with all the hikers, stamp collectors, ballooners, birders,
billiards players, kayakers, and kitists you ever meet. Just by doing
their activity once.
How to Be a Modern-Day Renaissance Man or Woman
If you take a piece of blue litmus paper and dip it in a huge
vat of acid, the tip turns pink. If you take another blue litmus paper
and dip it into just one minuscule drop of acid on a glass slide, the
tip turns just as pink. Compare this to participating in an activity
just one time. A sampling gives you 80 percent of the conversational value. You learn the insider’s questions to ask. You start using
the right terms. You’ll never be at a loss again when the subject of
extracurricular interests comes up—which it always does.
Do You Speak Scuba?
I’m not a certified scuba diver. However, six years ago in Bermuda
I saw a sign: “Resort Dives, $25, no Scuba experience necessary.”
In just three hours, I received the best crash course in talking with
scuba divers the world offers.
First I was given a quick lesson in the pool. Then, struggling
to stay erect under the weight of my oxygen tank, regulator, buoyancy compensator, and weight belt, I went clumping out to the
dive boat. Sitting there on the rocking dinghy, fondling my mask
and fins like worry beads, I overheard the certified divers asking
each other insider questions:
“Where were you certified?”
“Where have you dived?”
“Do you prefer wrecks or reefs?”
“Ever done any night diving?”
“Are you into underwater photography?”
“Do you dive on a computer?”
“What’s your longest bottom time?”
“Did you ever get the bends?”
How to Talk to Anyone
Why the italicized words? Those are scuba lingo. I now speak
scuba. To this day, whenever I meet divers, I have the right questions to ask and subjects to discuss. And the right ones to avoid.
(Like how much I like seafood. That’s like telling a cat lover how
much you love tender barbecued kitten.) I can now ask my new
friends which of the scuba hot spots they’ve been to—Cozumel,
Cayman, Cancun. Then, if I want to really show off, I ask if
they’ve been to Truk Lagoon in the Far Pacific, the Great Barrier
Reef in Australia, or the Red Sea.
All the insider terms now roll comfortably off my tongue.
Before my Scramble Therapy experience I’d be calling their
beloved wrecks and reefs “sunken ships” and “coral.” Understandable words, but not scuba words. Not insider words. Upon
meeting a scuba diver, I probably would have asked, “Oh scuba
diving. That must be interesting. Uh, aren’t you afraid of sharks?”
Not a good way to get off on the right fin with a diver.
Technique #38
Scramble Therapy
Once a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d
never dream of doing. Participate in a sport, go to an
exhibition, hear a lecture on something totally out of
your experience. You get 80 percent of the right lingo
and insider questions from just one exposure.
Think about it! Suppose at a dinner party, the table conversation turns to scuba diving. If you, too, had done your one-timeonly dive, you’d ask your diving dinner companion if he likes night
diving or whether he prefers diving on wrecks or reefs. (He’ll never
How to Be a Modern-Day Renaissance Man or Woman
believe it when you tell him the deepest water you’ve ever submerged yourself in is your own bathtub.)
Then you turn to the bungee jumper seated on your left and
ask him, “Do you prefer chest-waist jumps or ankle jumps?” If the
conversation then changes to tennis, or martial arts, or chess, or
coin collecting, or even bird-watching, you can keep up and keep
the conversation going. What a guy! What a gal!
39 How to Sound Like You
Know All About Their
Job or Hobby
Even more insidious than hobby-talk is job-speak, or “Jobbledygook.” I still harbor social nightmares of the evening I attended a
party thrown by a couple who worked in computer database management. As I walked in the door, I overheard one chap saying to
another, “When the domain relational calculus is restricted to safe
expressions, it’s equivalent to the turple relational. . . .”
That’s all I stayed around for. I knew I wasn’t going to understand one bit or byte of conversation the rest of the evening. It
made me long for the days when a mouse meant the furry little
fellow who loves cheese, windows were the kind you bought
drapes for, and the web was something spiders trapped flies in. I
knew I was going to need some technical support if I was going
to be compatible with this crowd.
I decided then and there to learn some of the opening questions database management types ask each other. Which I did.
Now I can’t wait for a second chance at that crowd because I’m
armed with questions like “What raid level are you using?” and
“What data warehousing product do you use?”
All you need are a few insider opening questions to get you
started with any group. You ask questions, listen to the responses,
and indulge in elementary on-target conversation with them for a
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Sound Like You Know All About Their Job or Hobby
moment or two about their field. (Then change the subject ASAP!
You don’t want to fake you are more knowledgeable about their
field than you really are.)
It’s All in the Opening Question
A tennis player can tell immediately from just appraising your
opening serve how good a player you are. Is it going to be great
playing with you or a real bore? It’s the same in communicating.
Just from your verbal opening serve, someone knows if it’s going
to be interesting talking with you about their life or interests—or
dull, dull, dull.
For example, suppose I’m introduced to someone and the first
words out of her mouth are, “Oh, you’re a writer. When are you
going to write the great American novel?” Yikes, I know I’m talking with someone who is unfamiliar with my world. We’ll chat, but
I prefer to change the subject. And soon, my conversation partner.
If, however, my new acquaintance says, “Oh you’re a writer.
Do you write fiction or nonfiction?” Bingo! Now I know I’m with
a person who knows about my world. Why? Because that is the
first question all writers ask each other. I enjoy talking to this
inquisitor because I presume she has more insights into the writing world. Even if we quickly get off the subject of writing, she
has come across as a well-informed individual.
Every job, every sport, every interest has insider opening questions that everybody in the same field asks—and its dumb outsider questions that they never ask each other. When an astronaut
meets another astronaut, he asks, “What missions have you been
on?” (Never “How do you go to the bathroom up there?”) A dentist asks another dentist, “Are you in general practice or do you
have a specialty?” (Never “Heard any good pain jokes lately?”)
The good news is beginning Jobbledygook is an easy language.
You don’t need to master buzzwords, only a few opening questions
How to Talk to Anyone
to make you sound like an insider. Then—here’s the fun part—
when you tell them you’re not connected to their field, they’re all
the more impressed. “What a knowledgeable person!” they say to
“Help! Everybody There Will Be
an Artist”
It’s not hard to harvest good Jobbledygook. Let’s say you’ve been
invited to a gallery opening where you’ll be meeting many artists.
If you don’t speak artist, go through your Rolodex to see if you
have an artist friend or two.
Aha, you found one. Well, sort of. Your friend Sally attended
art school. You call her up and ask, “Sally, I know this sounds silly
but I’ve been invited to an event where I’m bound to be talking
with a lot of artists. Could you give me a few good questions to
ask?” Sally might find your query a tad unusual, but your diligence
should impress her.
Maybe she’ll say, “Well, ask artists what medium they work in.”
“Medium?” you ask.
“Sure,” she’ll tell you. “That’s the insider’s way to ask if they
work with acrylics, oil, charcoal, pen, and so forth.”
“Don’t ask artists to describe their work,” she warns. “They
feel theirs is a visual medium that can’t be described.”
“And don’t ask them if their work is in a gallery.”
“That could be a sore point. Instead ask ‘Is there anyplace I
might see your work?’ They’ll love that because, even if they’re
not represented by a gallery, they can invite you to their studio to
possibly buy their work.”
How to Sound Like You Know All About Their Job or Hobby
Technique #39
Learn a Little Jobbledygook
Big winners speak Jobbledygook as a second language.
What is Jobbledygook? It’s the language of other
Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider.
How do you learn it? You’ll find no Jobbledygook
cassettes in the language section of your bookstore, but
the lingo is easy to pick up. Simply ask a friend who
speaks the lingo of the crowd you’ll be with to teach
you a few opening questions. The words are few and
the rewards are manifold.
That’s all you need to get started—two good opening art
questions and a warning against the most-asked dumb outsider
Let’s say you’ve given a great opening serve with the right
question on their job. You’ve slammed a swift ball dead center into
their conversational court. Happily, thinking they’re with an ace
player, they answer your question. Then they put a little spin on
the ball and send it lobbing right back into your court and it’s time
for a follow-up question. Whoops, what to do now?
If you don’t want to come out of the bluffer’s closet just yet,
you must master the next technique, “Baring Their Hot Button.”
40 How to Bare Their Hot
Button (Elementary
My friend John, a physician, recently married a charming Japanese woman, Yamika. John told me the first time they were invited
to a party to meet many of John’s colleagues, Yamika was panicstricken. She wanted to make a good impression, yet she was tense
about talking to American doctors. John was the only one she’d
ever met, and during their romance they didn’t spend a whole lot
of time discussing medicine.
John told her, “Don’t worry about it, Yami. They all ask each
other the same old questions. When you meet them, just ask,
‘What’s your specialty’ and ‘Are you affiliated with a hospital?’
“Then, to get into deeper conversation,” he continued, “throw
out questions like ‘How’s your relationship with your hospital?’ or
‘How’s the current medical environment affecting you?’ These are
hot issues with doctors because everything’s changing in health
John said Yamika delivered the lines verbatim. She circulated
the party asking the various doctors’ specialties and inquiring
about their affiliations and relationships with their hospitals. As a
result, she was the hit of the party. Many of John’s colleagues later
congratulated him on having found such a charming and insightful woman.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Bare Their Hot Button (Elementary Doc-Talk)
Getting the Real Grabber
It’s not just doctors. Every profession has concerns that are all the
buzz within the industry. The rest of the world, however, knows
little about these fixations. For example, independent booksellers
constantly complain that big superstore chains are taking over the
industry. Accountants lie awake nights worrying about liability
insurance for faulty audits. And dentists grind their teeth over
OSHA and EPA regulations. Oh, us writers, too. We’re always
bellyaching about magazines not paying us for electronic rights to
our precious words.
Suppose some hapless soul were unlucky enough to find himself in a party of writers. Making conversation with these folks
(who seldom know what they think until they see what they say)
is no easy task for one who is accustomed to communicating in
the spoken word. However, if before the party the nonwriter had
called just one writer acquaintance and asked about the burning
issues, he’d have had hot conversation with the wordsmiths all evening. I call the technique “Baring Their Hot Button.”
Technique #40
Baring Their Hot Button
Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a
drove of dentists, find out what the hot issues are in
their fields. Every industry has burning concerns the
outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to
bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation
up, push those buttons.
Back to the art show you’re about to attend. You can’t let Sally
hang up yet. She’s given you the two best opening questions for
How to Talk to Anyone
artists. But don’t let her go until you get the real conversational
grabber. Ask her the hottest issues going on in the art world. She
might think a minute and then say, “Well, there’s always art prices.”
“Art prices?” you ask.
“Yes,” she explains. “For example, in the 1980s the art world
was very market-driven. Prices went sky-high because some
investors and status seekers paid exorbitant amounts. We feel that
kind of took art away from the masses.”
Wow, now you’re really armed with some good insider art talk!
See You at the Big One!
While you’re at it, don’t forget to grill your informant for special
insider greetings to use when you’re with their gang. For example,
actresses cringe if they hear “good luck” before a show, but they
smile at well-wishers who say “Break a leg!”
“Break a leg,” however, is not appropriate for runners before
a marathon. That’s the last thought they want to have! The only
thing they want to break is their personal record. Try “Have a personal best!”
Firefighters who work on shift seldom see each other except,
of course, at the biggest blazes. Thus the firefighters’ greeting “See
ya at the big one!”
Once, driving in a sleepy town you’d have to work at getting
lost in, I succeeded. I was hopelessly turned around. Happily, I
spotted the firehouse and a couple of bored firefighters lounging
out front.
“Excuse me, can you tell me the way back to Route 50?” I
called out the window. I could tell from their attitude they thought
I was an idiot. Nevertheless, they lethargically pointed me in the
right direction. As I drove off, I called out, “Thanks guys, see ya
at the big one!” In the rearview mirror I saw huge smiles break out
on their faces as they stood up in unison and waved good-bye. The
disoriented dizzy blond driving off had won their respect with
their insider salute.
41 How to Secretly Learn
About Their Lives
Let’s say your paper carrier has just hurled the newspaper from his
bike to your front door. You pour a cup of coffee and get comfortable to catch up on what’s happening in the world. Your world,
that is. Do you flip first to the international news? The fashion section? The sports page? The entertainment section? Maybe the
Whichever section you usually flip to first, tomorrow DON’T.
Turn to any other section, preferably one you hardly ever read.
Why? Because it will familiarize you with other worlds so that you
can soon discuss anything with anybody, no matter how little you
have in common.
How about the real estate section? Yawn. Maybe you don’t
find real estate especially engrossing. However, sooner or later
you’re going to find yourself with a group of people who are discussing properties, deals, and today’s market. Scanning the real
estate section just once every few weeks will keep you au courant
with their conversation.
The advertising column? Maybe you think the world would
be a far, far better place without Madison Avenue. But your bottom line won’t be better off if you can’t hold your own discussing
matters with the marketing maven you’ve just contracted to adver-
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
tise your company’s widgets. Just a few peeks at the advertising
news section and you’ll soon be chatting about campaigns and creative people, and doing print or TV. Instead of saying words, you’ll
be saying copy. Instead of the agency, you’ll be bandying about real
insider terms like the shop.
Using outsider words is one of the biggest giveaways that you
are not in the know. On the ship, if a passenger asked any of my
staff, “How long have you been working on the boat?” they’d
squelch a groan. Cruise staffers proudly worked on a ship, and the
word boat revealed the passenger as a real landlubber.
The right word can perform conversational miracles. In the
receiving line, whenever passengers asked our laconic captain,
“When did you first become a master?” or “What was your first
command?” he would hold up the entire line of people snaking
around the ballroom waiting to shake his hand. Captain Cafiero
would enthusiastically recount his naval history to the savvy
inquirer who might have just learned the words master or command last week in the newspaper shipping notices. (If the passenger had simply said, “How long have you been a captain?” or
“What was your first boat?” he or she would have gotten the captain’s usual Italian gentleman’s version of the bum’s rush.)
Soon you’ll become addicted to the high that establishing rapport with so many people gives you. All it takes is reading different sections of the newspaper.
Pump Their Pulp for Even More Fuel
Then, when you crave a bigger hit of insider lingo, start reading
trade journals. Those are the closed-circulation magazines that go
to members of various industries. Ask your friends in different jobs
to lend you one so you’ll have even more fuel for the conversational fire.
All industries have one or two. You’ll see big glossy rags with
names like Automotive News, Restaurant Business, Pool and Spa
How to Secretly Learn About Their Lives
News, Trucking Industry, and even Hogs Today for people in the pig
business. (Excuse me, they call themselves “swine practitioners.”
Hey, you never know when, to make your next big sale, it will help
to speak pig.) Any one issue will give you a sample of their lingo
and inform you of the hottest issues in that field.
When it comes to people’s hobbies and interests, browse
through magazines on running, working out, bicycling, skiing,
swimming, and surfing. Large magazine stores carry biker rags,
boxer rags, bowler rags, even bull-riding rags. You’ll find thousands
of special-interest magazines published every month.
Several years ago, I got hooked on buying a different one each
week. It paid off quickly when a potential consulting client invited
me to dinner at her home. She had a beautiful garden and, thanks
to Flower and Garden Magazine, I could throw out insider terms
like ornamentals, annuals, and perennials. I could even keep up
when the discussion turned to the advantages of growing from
seeds or bulbs.
Because I was so fluent in “flower,” she invited me to take a
longer walk with her to see her private back gardens. As we
Technique #41
Read Their Rags
Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer,
or skier? Are you attending a social function filled with
accountants or Zen Buddhists—or anything in between?
There are untold thousands of monthly magazines
serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more
information than you’ll ever need to sound like an
insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve
their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of
Zoonooz yet?)
How to Talk to Anyone
strolled, I gradually changed the subject from chrysanthemums to
the consulting work I could do for her company. Who was leading whom down the garden path?
Is the world getting smaller, or are we getting bigger? Today’s
Renaissance man or woman is comfortable and confident anywhere. The next technique helps you be an insider wherever you
find yourself on the planet, and it saves you from fulfilling the
world’s fantasy of “the ugly American.”
42 How to Talk When
You’re in Other
Say you’re traveling abroad on business and you want to be a
“global insider.” What’s the first thing on your to-do list? Get a
passport and a phrase book, right? After all, who wants to wander
around Rome not knowing how to ask for a restroom? Or be
thirsty in Kuala Lumpur not knowing how to ask for a soda? However, there’s something most of us forget to pack, often with dire
consequences—a book on international customs.
A friend of mine, a fellow speaker named Geraldine, was
excited about her first speech in Japan. To be comfy on her long
flight to Tokyo, she donned her favorite designer jeans and a casual
jacket. Fourteen hours and 6,737 miles later, four impeccably
dressed Japanese gentlemen greeted her at Narita Airport. Smiling and bowing low, they handed her their business cards. With
her carry-on bag in one hand, Geri took their cards with the other.
She thanked them, glanced briefly at the cards, and packed them
safely into her back pocket. She then pulled one of her business
cards out of her purse and, sensitive to the fact that they might
have difficulty pronouncing Geraldine, wrote her nickname “Geri”
above her printed name. The gentlemen hovered over her card,
turning it over to examine it a few times, before one of them put
it in his briefcase.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
When the five of them arrived at the hotel, they invited Geri
for tea in the lobby. While sipping tea, the gentlemen presented
her with a small gift which she eagerly opened. One of Geri’s most
charming qualities is her instinctive warmth and effusiveness. She
was thrilled with the gift and, in typical Geri style, she squealed,
“Oh, it’s beautiful!” as she gave each of the gentlemen a little hug.
At this point, the four Japanese gentlemen stood up in unison like four frowning Siamese twins and, bowing only very
slightly, mumbled “Sayonara” and promptly left. Poor Geri was
flabbergasted. What did she do wrong?
Everything! First, the jeans. Even if you’re coming off a bicycle in Asia, you do not meet clients casually dressed. The second
mistake was Geri’s vulgar handling of their business cards. In Asia,
the business card is one of the most important protocol tools. It
is always presented and accepted reverently with both hands.
(Except in Moslem Asia where the left hand is considered
Geri then put their cards away much too quickly. In Asia, people use business cards as a conversation starter. You chat about each
other’s cards and work and do not put theirs away until they gently and respectfully place yours in safekeeping. Shoving it into her
back jeans pocket was the ultimate disrespect.
Geri didn’t discover her fourth gaffe until she returned home.
One of her colleagues Bill, a seasoned business traveler, analyzed
the fiasco for her. Bill told her the reason the gentlemen had turned
Geraldine’s card over and over when she gave it to them at the airport was to find her name, title, and company printed in Japanese
on the other side. The flip side of Geri’s card was, of course, blank.
Then, fifth horror of horrors, Geri should not have written on
the card. Cards in Asia are not exactly sacred, but one should never
deface them with messy handwriting.
The sad tale of Geri and the Japanese gets worse. Bill broke
the bad news to her: she should not have opened the gift in front
How to Talk When You’re in Other Countries
of her clients. Why? Because in a land where saving face is critical, it would be embarrassing to discover the gift they gave was
not as nice as the one they received. (Yikes, Geri hadn’t even given
them a gift!) Gaffe number seven.
Geri’s little squeal when receiving the gift was also a boo-boo.
In Asia, the lower the tone of voice, the higher the rank. The final
flub was, of course, giving the gentlemen a thank-you hug. Hugging, highly revered in certain parts of the world is, in Japan, absolutely unacceptable with a new client.
Needless to say, Geri has not been invited back to Japan.
However, she does have a gig coming up in El Salvador. This time
she’s smart. She’s studying up on the customs there. Happily, she’s
finding she can hug to her heart’s content. However she shouldn’t
use her (or anybody else’s) first name. Oh, and she must not introduce herself as an “American.” After all, Salvadorans are Americans, too!
The differences ’round the world go on and on. Whenever I
travel, I have to hit myself over the head and realize I’m not in the
anything-goes ol’ USA. I love to travel in jeans, I’m an incurable
hugger, and I can’t wait to see what’s in a gift box anybody gives
me. However, whenever I plan to leave Uncle Sam’s shores, I check
on foreign customs to see how much of myself I can be.
Technique #42
Clear “Customs”
Before putting one toe on foreign soil, get a book on
dos and taboos around the world. Before you shake
hands, give a gift, make gestures, or even compliment
anyone’s possessions, check it out. Your gaffe could gum
up your entire gig.
How to Talk to Anyone
There are some excellent books on international customs.
You’ll find the names of a few in the notes.17–19
Don’t be like another hapless colleague of mine who almost
blew a big business deal with a Brazilian. Just before signing the
contract, he gave the OK sign with his thumb and forefinger. Little did he know he was telling his new business partner to go have
intercourse with himself. You never know until it’s too late.
Now we come to where being an insider shows immediate,
tangible, and calculable rewards. And where being an outsider
really hurts—right in your pocket or purse.
43 How to Talk Them into
Getting the “Insider’s
Price” (on Practically
Anything You Buy)
Never underestimate human ingenuity when it comes to getting
what you want. Many people expand the adage, “All’s fair in love
and war” to “All is fair in love, war, and buying what I want.” To
get a table at a posh restaurant on a busy night, using a celebrity
name is an old ploy. My favorite maître d’ told me he gets a lot of
Robert De Niros phoning in a reservation. When their party of
six or eight arrives, he hears, “I’m so sorry, Rob wasn’t feeling well
this evening.”
One woman, frustrated when her fake celebrity name didn’t
work, shouted at him, “Look, who the hell do I have to be to get a
table? I’ll be anyone you want me to be, Goldie Hawn, Steffi Graf,
Fergie—just tell me.” Some people try a last-minute approach.
They simply walk up to the maître d’ at an overbooked restaurant,
point to any name on the reservation book and say, “That’s us.”
You’ll witness the same cunning at overbooked hotels. Several
months ago I was checking into a popular hotel for which, fortunately, I had a confirmed reservation. A loudmouthed man in front
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
of me in line shouted at the desk clerk, “Whaddaya mean, no room?
I’m staying in this hotel tonight. If you don’t have a room, I’m sleeping right here on the floor.” His temper tantrum was not working.
“And I warn you,” he continued, “I sleep in the nude!”
He got a room.
These crafty childish tactics are not recommended. Rather, I
suggest a more principled technique called “Bluffing for Bargains.”
It was born one afternoon sitting with an insurance broker Mr.
Carson. He was trying to sell me a homeowner’s policy. Of course
I wanted the most coverage for the least cash. Carson was a
smooth operator and he was patiently explaining to me in layman’s
terms the benefits of certain riders he was pushing.
Just as he started discussing disasters like wars and hurricanes,
his phone rang. With apologies, he picked up the receiver. It was
one of his colleagues. Suddenly a metamorphosis took place before
my eyes. The sophisticated salesman became a palsy-walsy, regular, down-home kinda guy chatting it up with his old buddy about
umbrellas. I thought they were discussing the weather.
Then the conversation turned to floaters. I now assumed they
were talking about an eye problem. It took a while for me to realize that umbrella policies and floaters were part of the insurancese
they were speaking.
A few minutes later, Carson said, “Yeah, OK, so long, buddy,”
and put the phone down. He cleared his throat and again transmogrified back into the formal sales agent patiently defining damages and deductibles to a naïve client.
Sitting there listening to bafflegab like subrogation and pro
rata liability, I began to ponder, “If Carson’s colleague who just
called wanted to buy insurance, he would have gotten a much
better policy, much cheaper.” In practically every industry, vendors give two prices on goods or services—one to insiders and
one to you and me.
How to Talk Them into Getting the “Insider’s Price”
Before I let myself get angry about this, I thought it through.
Is it unfair? Not really. If the vendor doesn’t have to spend time
being salesman or psychologist answering the endless stream of
novice questions, he can afford to give his best price. Carson
wouldn’t have had to take twenty minutes explaining to his colleague (as he did to me) why, if a tornado takes your house, it’s
considered “an act of God.” Therefore, you lose. When knowledgeable associates buy products, the vendor is happily reduced to
nothing more than a purchasing agent. For very little work, he
makes a small profit and is satisfied.
A little bit of knowledge goes a long way when you’re buying
something. If you have insight into your real estate broker’s bottom line, he’s more apt to give you the better price. If you are facile
with the insider words caterers and car salesmen use to pad their
profits, if you’re savvy to techniques moving companies and
mechanics use to bilk the unsuspecting, if you are on the lookout
for lawyers’ methods of fattening fees—in short, if you know the
ropes, you will not get ripped off. You don’t need to know a lot,
just a few insider terms. The pro assumes, since you are conversant in some esoteric industry terms, you also know the best deal
and rock-bottom price.
No one put it better than my housepainter, Iggy. “Sure,” he
told me, “you gotta know how to talk to a painter. Not me, but a
lotta them other guys, they’re gonna get whatever they can. It’s only
human nature. Especially if you’re a woman and you deal with ’em
smart, like I’m gonna tell you how, their hair will stand on end.
They’ll say to themselves, ‘Hey, dis is no babe in the woods. I better deal straight.’ ”
“OK, Iggy, how?”
He said, “Tell them guys, ‘Look the walls need very little prepping. You’re not going to have to spend much time scraping and
spackling. It’s a clean job.’ ” Iggy told me these few sentences alone
How to Talk to Anyone
can save you hundreds of dollars. Why? Right away the painter
knows you know the score and that the most time-consuming part
for him is preparing the surface (prepping in painterese). Therefore, it’s his biggest markup item.
“Then,” Iggy continued, “when you tell ’em there will be no
cutting in [painting two colors next to each other], your price goes
down again. Be sure and tell ’em not to leave any holidays
[unpainted or sparsely painted spots] and you get a more careful
job.” I’m only sorry I don’t have an Iggy in every field to give me
a crash course in how to deal.
How to Deal When There’s No Iggy
in Your Life
Here’s how to get the best price and the best deal from anyone.
Find your Iggy Informer. If you have a friend in the business, get
the lingo from him. If not, instead of going straight to the vendor
you want to buy from, visit several others first. Talk with them.
Learn a little lingo from each.
For instance, suppose you want to buy a diamond. Instead of
going right to your favorite jewelry shop and asking dumbbell diamond questions, go to the competition. Make friends with the
salesclerk and pick up a few gems of diamondese. You’ll learn jewelers say stones, not diamonds. When you’re talking about the top
of the stone, they say table; the widest part is the girdle; the bottom is the cutlet. If the stone looks yellow, don’t say yellow, say
cape. If you see flaws, don’t say flaws, say inclusions or gletz. If you
still don’t like the stone, don’t say “I’d like to see something better,” say finer. (Don’t ask me why. That’s just the way the diamond
crowd talks.)
Then, when you’ve got your lingo down, go to where you
want to buy. Because you now speak diamond, you get a much
better price.
How to Talk Them into Getting the “Insider’s Price”
Technique #43
Bluffing for Bargains
The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are
alive and well in contemporary America for big-ticket
items. Your price is much lower when you know how
to deal.
Before every big purchase, find several vendors—a
few to learn from and one to buy from. Armed with a
few words of industryese, you’re ready to head for the
store where you’re going to buy.
Soon you’ll be asking furriers where the skins were dressed,
moving companies for their ICC performance record, and lawyers
the hourly rate of paralegals and associates. Then these folks, like
Iggy the painter, will say to themselves, “Hey, dis is no babe in the
woods—I better deal straight.”
Let us now delve deeper into the world of being an insider.
This time we explore how to give your conversation partner the
sense that you share not only experiences but the heavy stuff. You
share beliefs and values in life.
This page intentionally left blank.
How to Sound
Like You’re Peas
in a Pod
“Why, We’re Just Alike!”
If you squint your eyes and look up carefully at a flight of birds,
you’ll see finches flying with finches, swallows soaring with swallows, and yellow birds winging it with yellow birds. The avian
apartheid escalates. You’ll never see a barn swallow with a bank
swallow, or even a yellow bird hanging out with a yellow finch.
Somebody said it shorter: Birds of a feather flock together.
Happily, humans are smarter than birds. In one respect, at
least: we have brains capable of overcoming bias. Really smart
human beings work together, play together, and break bread
together. Does that mean their comfort level is high? Well, that
depends on the human being. Our purpose here is not to examine the absurdity of apartheid. It is to leave no stone unturned in
making sure people are completely comfortable doing business or
pleasure with you.
It has been proven beyond a doubt, people are most receptive to those they feel have the same values in life. In one study,
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
individuals were first given a personality and beliefs test.20 They
were then paired off with a partner and told to go spend time
together. Before meeting, half the couples were told they were very
similar in beliefs to their partner. The other half were told they
were dissimilar. Neither statement was true.
However, when quizzed afterward on how much they liked
each other, partners who believed they were similar liked each
other a lot more than the couples who thought themselves to be
dissimilar, demonstrating we have a predisposition toward people
we believe are just like us. We are most comfortable giving our
business and friendship to those we feel share our values and
beliefs in life. To that end I offer six techniques to create sensations of similarity with everyone you wish.
Along with making more profound rapport with customers,
friends, and associates, using the following techniques develops a
deeper understanding and empathy with people of all races and
backgrounds. It also opens doors that might otherwise be closed
to you.
44 How to Make Them
Feel You’re of the
Same “Class”
Just like the finch flaps its wings faster than the gliding eagle, people of different backgrounds move differently. For example, Westerners used to the wide-open plains stand farther from each other.
Easterners, systematically sardined into subways and crowded
busses, stand closer. Asian Americans make modest movements.
Italian Americans make massive ones.
At teatime, the finishing-school set genuflects and gracefully
lowers derrieres onto the sofa. When the ladies reach for a cup,
they hold the saucer in one hand and the cup in the other, pinkie
ever so slightly extended. Folks who never finished any manners
school make a fanny dive in the middle of the sofa and clutch the
cup with both hands.
Is one right? Is the other wrong? No. However, top communicators know when doing business with a derriere-dipping pinkie
extender or a fanny-plopping, two-fisted mug grabber, they darn
well should do the same. People feel comfortable around people
who move just like they do.
I have a friend who travels the country giving an outrageous
seminar called “How to Marry the Rich.” Genie was once in a Las
Vegas casino when a television reporter asked if she could tell the
real rich from the great pretenders.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
“Of course,” Genie answered.
“All right,” challenged the reporter. “Who is the wealthiest
man in this room?” Convened at the next table were three men in
tailored suits (Hayward of Mayfair, London, no doubt), handmade shirts (Charvet of Place Vendôme in Paris, no doubt), and
sipping scotch (single-malt Laphroaig from the Scottish island of
Islay, no doubt). The reporter, naturally, assumed Genie would
choose one of these likely candidates.
Instead, with the scrutiny of a hunting dog, Genie’s eyes
scanned the room. Like a trained basset hound, she instinctively
pointed a long red fingernail at a fellow in torn jeans at a corner
table. She murmured, “He’s very rich.”
Flabbergasted, the reporter asked Genie, “How can you tell?”
“He moves like old money,” she said. “You see,” Genie went
on to explain, “there’s moving like old money. There’s moving like
new money. And there’s moving like no money.” Genie could tell
the unlikely chap in the corner was obviously sitting on big assets
and all because of the way he moved.
Technique #44
Be a Copyclass
Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small
movements? Big movements? Fast? Slow? Jerky? Fluid?
Old? Young? Classy? Trashy?
Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance
instructor. Is he a jazzy mover? Is she a balletic mover?
Watch his or her body, then imitate the style of
movement. That makes your conversation partner
subliminally real comfy with you.
How to Make Them Feel You’re of the Same “Class”
They’re Buying You, Too
If you’re in sales, copy not only your customer’s class but the class
of your product as well. I live in a section of New York City called
Soho, which is a few blocks above the famous-for-being-trashy
Canal Street. Often, clutching my purse tightly and dodging the
crowds on Canal Street, I’ll pass a pickpocket-turned-salesmanfor-the-day. He furtively looks around and flashes a greasy handkerchief at me with a piece of jewelry on it. “Psst, wanna buy a
gold chain?” His nervous thief ’s demeanor alone could get him
Now, about sixty blocks uptown, you’ll find the fashionable
and very expensive Tiffany’s jewelry store. Occasionally, clutching
my fantasies of being able to afford something therein, I stroll
through the huge gilt doors. Imagine one of the impeccably
dressed sales professionals behind the beveled glass counters
furtively looking around and saying to me, “Psst, wanna buy a
No sale!
Match your personality to your product. Selling handmade
suits? A little decorum please. Selling jeans? A little cool, please.
Selling sweat suits? A little sporty, please. And so on for whatever
you’re selling. Remember, you are your customers’ buying experience. Therefore you are part of the product they’re buying.
45 How to Make Them
Feel That You’re
Like “Family”
Have you ever been gabbing with a new acquaintance and, after a
few moments, you’ve said to yourself, “This person and I think
alike! We’re on the same wavelength.” It’s a fabulous feeling, almost
like falling in love.
Lovers call it “chemistry.” New friends talk of “instant rapport,” and businesspeople say a “meeting of minds.” Yet it’s the
same magic, that sudden sense of warmth and closeness, that
strange sensation of “Wow, we were old friends at once!”
When we were children, making friends was easier. Most of
the kids we met grew up in the same town and so they were on our
wavelength. Then the years went by. We grew older. We moved
away. Our backgrounds, our experiences, our goals, our lifestyles
became diverse. Thus, we fell off each other’s wavelengths.
Wouldn’t it be great to have a magic surfboard to help you
hop right back on everybody’s wavelength whenever you wanted?
Here it is, a linguistic device that gets you riding on high rapport
with everyone you meet. If you stand on a mountain cliff and
shout “hello-oh” across the valley, your identical “hello-oh” thunders back at you. I call the technique “Echoing” because, like the
mountain, you echo your conversation partner’s precise words.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make Them Feel That You’re Like “Family” 177
It All Started Across the Ocean
In many European countries, you’ll hear five, ten, or more languages within the language. For example, in Italy, the Sicilians
from the south speak a dialect that seems like gobbledygook to
northern Italians. In an Italian restaurant, I once overheard a diner
discover his waiter was also from Udine, a town in northeastern
Italy where they speak the Friulano dialect. The diner stood up
and hugged the waiter like he was a long-lost brother. They started
babbling in a tongue that left the other Italian waiters shrugging.
In America we have dialects, too. We just aren’t conscious of
them. In fact we have thousands of different words, depending on
our region, our job, our interests, and our upbringing. Once, when
traveling across the country, I tried to order a soda like a Coke or
7-Up in a highway diner. It took some explaining before the waitress understood I wanted what she called a “pop.” Perhaps because
the English-speaking world is so large, Americans have a wider
choice of words for the same old stuff than any language I’ve
Family members find themselves speaking alike. Friends use
the same words, and associates in a company or members in a club
talk alike. Everyone you meet will have his or her own language
that subliminally distinguishes them from outsiders. The words
are all English, but they vary from area to area, industry to industry, and even family to family.
The Linguistic Device That Says “We’re
on the Same Wavelength”
When you want to give someone the subliminal feeling you’re just
alike, use their words, not yours. Suppose you are selling a car to
a young mother who tells you she is concerned about safety
because she has a young “toddler.” When explaining the safety fea-
How to Talk to Anyone
tures of the car, use her word. Don’t use whatever word you call
your kids. Don’t even say child-protection lock, which was in your
sales manual. Tell your prospect, “No toddler can open the window because of the driver’s control device.” Even call it a toddlerprotection lock. When Mom hears toddler coming from your lips,
she feels you are “family” because that’s how all her relatives refer
to her little tyke. Suppose your prospect had said kid or infant.
Fine, echo any word she used. (Well, almost any word. If she’d
said my brat, you might want to pass on Echoing this time.)
Echoing at Parties
Let’s say you are at a party. It’s a huge bash with many different
types of people. You are first chatting with a lawyer who tells you
her profession is often maligned. When it comes your turn to speak,
say profession too. If you say job, it puts a subconscious barrier
between you.
Next you meet a construction worker who starts talking about
his job. Now you’re in trouble if you say, “Well, in my profession
. . .” he’d think you were being hoity-toity.
After the lawyer and the construction worker, you talk to several freelancers—first a model, then a professional speaker, finally
a pop musician. All three of these folks will use different words for
their work. The model brags about her bookings. The professional
speaker might say bookings, but he is more apt to boast of his speaking engagements. A pop musician might say, “Yeah, man, I get a lot
of gigs.” It’s tough to memorize what they all call their work. Just
keep your ears open and echo their word after they say it.
Echoing goes beyond job names. For example if you are chatting with a boat owner and you call his boat an it, he labels you a
real landlubber. (He reverently refers to his beloved boat, of
course, as a she.) If you listen carefully, you hear language subtleties you never dreamed existed. Would you believe using the
wrong synonym for a seemingly uncomplicated word like have
How to Make Them Feel That You’re Like “Family”
labels you a know-nothing in somebody else’s world? For example, cat lovers purr about having cats. But horse people would say
owning horses. And fish folk don’t own fish. They talk about keeping fish. Hey, no big deal. But if you use the wrong word, your
conversation partner will assume, correctly, that you are a stranger
in his or her hobbyland.
The Peril of Not Echoing
Sometimes you lose out by not Echoing. My friend Phil and I were
talking with several guests at a party. One woman proudly told
the group about the wonderful new ski chalet she had just purchased. She was looking forward to inviting her friends up to her
little chalet in the mountains.
“That’s wonderful,” said Phil, secretly hoping for an invitation. “Where exactly is your cabin?” KERPLUNK! There went
Phil’s chances for an invitation to the lady’s chalet.
I couldn’t resist. After the conversation, I whispered to my
friend, “Phil, why did you insult that woman by calling her chalet
a cabin?” Phil scratched his head and said, “What do you mean
insult her? Cabin is a beautiful word. My family has a cabin in
Cape Cod and I grew up loving the word, the associations, the joy
of a cabin.” (In other words, the connotations of cabin.) Well, fine,
Phil. The word cabin may be beautiful to you, but obviously the
skier preferred the word chalet.
Professional Echoing
In today’s sales environment, customers expect salespeople to be
problem solvers, not just vendors. They feel you don’t grasp their
industry’s problems if you don’t speak their language.
I have a friend, Penny, who sells office furniture. People in
publishing, advertising, broadcasting, and a few lawyers are among
her clients. Penny’s sales manual says office furniture. However, she
How to Talk to Anyone
told me, if she used the word office with all of her clients, they’d
assume she knew nothing about their respective industries.
She told me her client, the purchasing officer in advertising,
talks about his advertising agency. Penny’s publishing client says
publishing house. The lawyers talk about furniture for their firm,
and her radio clients use the word station instead of office. “Hey,”
Penny says, “it’s their salt mine. They can call it whatever the heck
they please. And,” she added, “if I want to make the sale, I’d better call it the same thing.”
Technique #45
Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a
powerful wallop. Listen to the speaker’s arbitrary choice
of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives—and echo
them back. Hearing their words come out of your
mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel
you share their values, their attitudes, their interests,
their experiences.
Echoing Is Politically Correct Insurance
Here’s a quiz: You’re talking with a pharmacist and you ask her,
“How long have you worked at the drugstore?” What’s wrong with
that question?
Give up? It’s the word drugstore. Pharmacists abhor the word
because it conjures up many industry problems. They’re used to
hearing it from outsiders, but it’s a tip-off that they are unaware
of, or insensitive to, their professional problems. They prefer
How to Make Them Feel That You’re Like “Family”
Recently, at a reception, I introduced one of my friends,
Susan, as a day-care worker. Afterward Susan begged, “Leil, puleeze do not call me a day-care worker. We’re child-care workers.”
Whoops! Time and recent history quickly make certain terms
A group’s intense preference for one word is not arbitrary. Certain jobs, minorities, and special-interest groups often have a history the public is not sensitive to. When that history has too much
pain attached to it, people invent another word that doesn’t have
bitter connotations.
I have a dear friend, Leslie, who is in a wheelchair. She says
whenever anyone says the word handicapped, she cringes. Leslie
says it makes her feel less than whole. “We prefer you say person
with a disability.” She then gave a moving explanation. “We people with disabilities are the same as every other able-bodied person. We say AB,” she added. “ABs go through life with all the same
baggage we do. We just carry one extra piece, a disability.”
It’s simple. It’s effective. To show respect and make people feel
close to you, Echo their words. It makes you a more sensitive communicator—and keeps you out of trouble every time.
46 How to Really Make It
Clear to Them
I recently had to make a presentation to fifteen men in a corporate meeting. “OK,” I said to myself as I stood up, “fifteen Martians and one Venusian.” No problem! I’d read Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus. I’d explored neurological differences in
men’s and women’s brains. I knew all about gender-specific bodylanguage signals. Hey, I teach communications differences. I was
well prepared to talk to these men, get my point across, and fend
any questions.
Everything started out fine. I’d conceived my presentation
clearly and concisely, developed each theme, and presented it flawlessly. Then, I sat down and confidently invited questions and open
That’s when it fell apart. All I remember is a horrifying barrage of questions couched in football analogies.
“Do you think we dropped the ball on that one?” one man
“Yeah,” another responded. “But can we make a fumble
Those two I understood. However, when it got to pass coverage and intentional grounding, I started to lose it. When one
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Really Make It Clear to Them
guy raved about a Hail Mary pass being needed to save the deal,
I suffered the ultimate humiliation. I had to ask, “Uh, what does
that mean?” The guys looked at each other knowingly and then
smiled condescendingly as they explained it to me.
That night I had sadistic fantasies of fifteen women running
the company and one man left scratching his head as we bandied
about childbirth analogies.
“We won’t get his new proposal ’til the third trimester,”
reports the account exec.
“Yeah, but that’s six months away. Let’s get it by C-section,”
responds the comptroller.
“Why bother?” asks the marketing VP. “All his ideas are developed in vitro anyway.”
“I’m about to go into postpartum depression,” murmurs the
CEO. The lone male employee is left as confused and humiliated
as I was in the face of football analogies.
Ahem, the aim of this book is not to feed fiendish fantasies,
but to improve communications. To that end, I offer the following technique based on analogies, not just football analogies.
Because old-boy analogies are unsportsman-like conduct with the
On-Target Analogies Hit Bull’s-Eye
Analogies can be an effective communications tool—if you evoke
images from the life of the person you are talking to. Men don’t
use football analogies to obfuscate matters or to confuse women
but to clarify situations for each other. Analogies from the sport
bring situations to life for men because generally they watch more
football than women.
Moving on to other sports analogies: everyone knows what
the speaker means when he or she hears, “We’ll never strike out
How to Talk to Anyone
with this solution.” Nevertheless, the image would be more compelling to a baseball fan as would analogies like “caught on the fly,”
“hitting the dirt,” “or throwing a spit ball.”
You’ve heard people say, “This solution is right on target.” We
all understand it. But the phrasing would be more dramatic for
archery enthusiasts. If your listener were a bowler, speaking of
“gutter balls” or “big splits” would bring whatever you were discussing to life. If your business buddies were basketball fans,
analogies like “hook shot” or “air ball” would land right in their
basket. If your client wrestles, saying “feints” and “scissor holds”
would be the way to grab him.
These analogies might sound far-fetched to you. But they are
potent communications tools when they evoke your conversation
partner’s world. Why not use the most powerful terms possible to
get your point across and make the sale? I call the technique
“Potent Imaging.”
Technique #46
Potent Imaging
Does your customer have a garden? Talk about “sowing
the seeds for success.” Does your boss own a boat? Tell
him or her about a concept that will “hold water” or
“stay afloat.” Maybe he is a private pilot? Talk about a
concept really “taking off.” She plays tennis? Tell her it
really hits the “sweet spot.”
Evoke your listener’s interests or lifestyle and weave
images around it. To give your points more power and
punch, use analogies from your listener’s world, not
your own. Potent Imaging also tells your listeners you
think like them and hints you share their interests.
How to Really Make It Clear to Them
Pardon me while I return momentarily to my sadistic fantasies
of the hopelessly confused lone male employee. The all-female
management team is now arguing the corporate strategy using,
not football of course, but ballet analogies.
“I say let’s do the corporate takeover allegro,” she suggests.
“Nah, you gotta go adagio in these matters,” her colleague
“But what if they do a tour jeté while we’re poised in fifth?”
“C’mon did you ever see a good pas seul from their president?”
The top woman settles it. “I say let’s just give him a little
révérence, and then a grand battement in the balls.”
47 How to Make Them
Feel You Empathize
(Without Just Saying
“Yep, Uh Huh, Yeah”)
While listening to someone talk, we often vocalize “uh huh” or
purr throaty little “umm” sounds to reassure the speaker we have
heard their words. In fact, with some it’s such a habit, the noises
escape their throats unconsciously. My friend Phil is a consummate, constant, and incontinent “ummer” whenever I’m talking.
Occasionally, if I’m feeling contentious after he’s given one of his
agreeable “umms” in response to something I’ve said, I challenge
him with, “OK, Phil, what did I say?”
“Uh, well, gosh . . .” Phil has no idea. It’s not his fault. He’s
male. Men are especially guilty of the not-really-listening umm
habit. Once, when I was on a monologue about nothing in particular, Phil was on a real umm roll. To test his listening skills, I
slipped in, “Yes, this afternoon I think I’ll go out and get tattooed
all over my body.”
Phil nodded his habitual “uh huh.”
Well, umming is better than a blank stare. However, it’s not
the choice of top communicators. Try replacing your umms with
full-blown empathizers.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make Them Feel You Empathize
What Are Empathizers?
Empathizers are simple, short, supportive statements. Unlike “uh
huh,” they are complete sentences such as “I can appreciate you
decided to do that,” or “That really is exciting.” Empathizers can
be one-sentence positive critiques like “Yes, that was the honorable thing to do,” or “It’s charming you felt that way.”
When you respond with complete sentences instead of the
usual grunts, not only do you come across as more articulate, but
your listener feels that you really understand.
Technique #47
Employ Empathizers
Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete
sentences to show your understanding. Dust your
dialogue with phrases like “I see what you mean.”
Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like “That’s a
lovely thing to say.” Your empathy impresses your
listeners and encourages them to continue.
Of course, you pay a price. To use the right empathizers, you
do need to listen.
Now let’s fine-tune this technique and explore advanced
48 How to Make Them Think
You See/Hear/Feel It
Just the Way They Do
About ten years ago, I had a roommate named Brenda. Brenda
was a tap dance teacher who didn’t just tap dance to make a living. She lived to tap. Posters of Bill “Bojangles” Robinson and
Charles “Honi” Coles plastered her walls. She didn’t walk around
the house. She tapped her way from room to room. It was noisy,
but at least, when a phone call came for Brenda, I never had trouble finding her.
Once I asked Brenda when she got interested in tap. She said,
“From the moment I first opened my ears.” Her ears? I thought,
that’s strange. Most people say “from the moment I opened my
eyes.” At that moment, I realized Brenda “saw” the world more
through her ears than her eyes.
We all perceive the world through five senses. We see the
world. We hear the world. We feel the world. We smell the world.
And we taste the world. Therefore, we talk in terms of those five
senses. Proponents of neurolinguistic programming (NLP) tell us,
for each person, one sense is stronger than others. For Brenda, it
was her hearing.
Brenda told me she grew up in a dark apartment below street
level in New York City. She remembers, as an infant, hearing the
pitter-patter of feet walking just above her crib on the sidewalk.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make Them Think You See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They Do
As a toddler, her tiny ears were bombarded with honking horns,
shrieking sirens, and tire chains slapping the icy streets. She especially remembers the clumpety-clomp of police horses’ hoofs on
the pavement outside her window. Her first perceptions of the outside world came to her through her ears. To this day, sound dominates her life. Brenda, the tap dancer, is an auditory person.
Since neurolinguists suggest invoking our listener’s strongest
sense, I tried a few auditory references on Brenda. Rather than
saying, “That looks good to me,” I’d say “That sounds good.”
Instead of saying, “I see what you mean,” I’d say, “I hear you.”
When I used these auditory references, I felt she paid more
So I started listening very carefully to all my friends to discover which was their primary perception. Sometimes I’d hear
visual references like
“I see what you mean.”
“That looks good to me.”
“I can’t picture myself doing that.”
“I take a dim view of that idea.”
“From my perspective . . .”
Wow, I thought I was really on to something!
A Wrinkle Develops
But then, whoops, at other times, I’d hear that same friend say
“Yeah, I hear you.”
“Sure, that sounds good to me.”
“I kept saying to myself it would work.”
How to Talk to Anyone
“That has a negative ring to it.”
“He really tuned out on the whole idea.”
“Something tells me . . .”
This wasn’t going to be quite as easy as I’d expected. However,
I wasn’t ready to give up.
Once, Brenda and I went skiing with several friends. That
night we were at a party. One of our friends was telling a group
of people, “The ski slopes were beautiful. Everything was so crystal clear and white.”
“A visual person?” I asked myself.
Another skier added, “The feel of the fresh snow on our faces
was terrific.”
“Aha, a kinesthetic person,” I mused silently.
Sure enough, just then, Brenda said, “Today was so silent. The
only sound you could hear was the wind in your ears as you came
swooshing down the slopes.” That little riff convinced me there
was something to it.
However, I still found it difficult to discern one’s primary
A Simple Solution
Here’s what I’ve found does work, and it doesn’t take too much
detective work on your part. I call the technique “Anatomically
Correct Empathizers,” and it’s easy to master. Unless it is obvious
the person you are speaking with is primarily visual, auditory, or
kinesthetic, simply respond in his or her mode of the moment.
Match your empathizers to the current sense someone is talking
through. For example, suppose a business colleague describing a
financial plan says, “With this plan, we can see our way clear in
six months.” Since this time she’s using primarily visual references,
How to Make Them Think You See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They Do
say “I see what you mean” or “You really have a clear picture of
that situation.”
If, instead, your colleague had said, “This plan has a good ring
to it,” you’d substitute auditory empathizers like “It does sound
great,” or “I hear you.”
A third possibility. Suppose she had said, “I have a gut feeling
this plan will work.” Now you give her a kinesthetic empathizer
like “I can understand how you feel,” or “You have a good grasp
of that problem.”
Technique #48
Anatomically Correct Empathizers
What part of their anatomy are your associates talking
through? Their eyes? Their ears? Their gut?
For visual people, use visual empathizers to make
them think you see the world the way they do. For
auditory folks, use auditory empathizers to make them
think you hear them loud and clear. For kinesthetic
types, use kinesthetic empathizers to make them think
you feel the same way they do.
What about the other two senses, taste and smell? Well, I’ve
never run up against any gustatory or olfactory types. But you
could always compliment a chef by saying, “That’s a delicious
idea.” And if you are talking to your dog (olfactory, of course),
tell him “The whole idea stinks.”
The next technique helps create affinity with a single word.
49 How to Make ’Em
Think We (Instead of
You vs. Me)
By just eavesdropping for a few moments on any two people chatting, you could tell a lot about their relationship. You could tell if
they were new acquaintances or old friends. You could tell whether
a man and a woman were strangers or a couple.
You wouldn’t even need to hear friends call each other “pal,”
“buddy,” or “mate.” You wouldn’t need to hear a man and a
woman whisper “dear,” “sweetheart,” or “turtle dove.” It wouldn’t
matter what they were discussing or even their tone of voice. You
could even be blindfolded and tell a lot about their relationship
because the technique I’m about to share has nothing to do with
body language.
How? A fascinating progression of conversation unfolds as
people become closer. Here’s how it develops:
Level One: Clichés
Two strangers talking together primarily toss clichés back and
forth. For instance, when chatting about the universally agreedupon world’s dullest subject—the weather—one stranger might
say to the other, “Beautiful sunny weather we’ve been having.” Or,
“Boy, some rain, huh?” That’s level one, clichés.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make ’Em Think We (Instead of You vs. Me)
Level Two: Facts
People who know each other but are just acquaintances often discuss facts. “You know, Joe, we’ve had twice as many sunny days
this year to date as last.” Or, “Yeah, well, we finally decided to put
in a swimming pool to beat the heat.”
Level Three: Feelings and
Personal Questions
When people become friends, they often express their feelings to
each other, even on subjects as dull as the weather. “George, I just
love these sunny days.” They also ask each other personal questions: “How about you, Betty? Are you a sun person?”
Level Four: We Statements
Now we progress to the highest level of intimacy. This level is
richer than facts and creates more rapport than feelings. It’s we
and us statements. Friends discussing the weather might say, “If
we keep having this good weather, it’ll be a great summer.” Lovers
might say, “I hope this good weather keeps up for us so we can go
swimming on our trip.”
A technique to achieve the ultimate verbal intimacy grows out
of this phenomenon. Simply use the word we prematurely. You can
use it to make a client, a prospect, a stranger feel you are already
friends. Use it to make a potential romantic partner feel the two
of you are already an item. I call it the “Premature We.” In casual
conversation, simply cut through levels one and two. Jump straight
to three and four.
Ask your prospect’s feelings on something the way you would
query a friend. (“George, how do you feel about the new governor?”) Then use the pronoun we when discussing anything that
might affect the two of you. (“Do you think we’re going to pros-
How to Talk to Anyone
per during his administration?”) Make it a point to concoct we
sentences, the kind people instinctively reserve for friends, lovers,
and other intimates. (“I think we’ll survive while the governor’s in
The word we fosters togetherness. It makes the listener feel
connected. It gives a subliminal feeling of “you and me against the
cold, cold world.” When you prematurely say we or us, even to
strangers, it subconsciously brings them closer. It subliminally hints
you are already friends. At a party, you might say to someone
standing behind you at the buffet line, “Hey, this looks great. They
really laid out a nice spread for us.” Or, “Uh-oh, we’re going to get
fat if we let ourselves enjoy all of this.”
Technique #49
The Premature WE
Create the sensation of intimacy with someone even if
you’ve met just moments before. Scramble the signals
in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one
and two and cutting right to levels three and four.
Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words we,
us, and our.
Well, we have just explored how to copy our conversation
partners’ movements with Be a Copyclass, echo their words, evoke
Potent Images from their world, create a bond through their primary sense with Anatomically Correct Empathizers, and establish
subliminal friendship with words like we.
What else do friends, lovers, and close associates have in common? A history. The final technique in this section is a device to
give a fairly new acquaintance the warm and fuzzy feeling the two
of you have been together for a long, long time.
50 How to Create a
Friendly “Private Joke”
with Them
Lovers whisper phrases in each others’ ears that mean nothing to
anyone but themselves. Friends crack up over a few words that
sound like gobbledygook to anyone overhearing them. Close business associates chuckle about shared experiences.
One company I’ve worked with has seen reengineering,
empowerment, TQM, and team building come and go in one
decade. At company parties, the employees never fail to crack up
over the time when the whole company—managers to mail-room
clerks—scrambled up a twenty-nine-foot pole together all in the
name of team building. The CEO slipped down the pole and
broke his big toe. At the next weekly meeting, the CEO shook his
crutch and caustically announced, “No more team exercises!”
Thus, the death of team building—and the birth of a private joke.
Out of shared experiences like this, a company culture grows.
These employees have a history and a language to go with it. To
this day, whenever they want to put an abrupt end to any idea,
they say, “Let’s shake a crutch at it” or “Let’s slide that one down
the flagpole.” They all smile. Nobody knows what they mean
except fellow employees.
The playwright Neil Simon, sometimes with a single word,
can make an entire Broadway audience understand two perform195
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
ers onstage are either married or longtime friends. The actor simply says something to the actress that makes no sense to the audience. Then both of them laugh uproariously. Everybody gets the
message: these two people are an item.
Every time my friend Daryl and I meet, we don’t say “Hello.”
We say “Quack.” Why? We met at a party five years ago and, in
our first conversation, Daryl told me he grew up on a duck farm.
When I told him I’d never seen a duck farm, he performed the
best human imitation of a duck I’d ever seen. He flipped his head
side to side looking at me first out of one eye, then the other, all
the while flapping his arms and quacking. I got such a laugh out
of his performance that it inspired him to do a full flat-footed duck
waddle for me. It was contagious. Together we waddled around
the room flapping and quacking. We made absolute fools of ourselves that evening.
Technique #50
Instant History
When you meet a stranger you’d like to make less a
stranger, search for some special moment you shared
during your first encounter. Then find a few words that
reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings
the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have
a history together, an Instant History.
With anyone you’d like to make part of your
personal or professional future, look for special
moments together. Then make them a refrain.
The next day, my phone rang. I picked up the receiver to hear,
not “Hello, this is Daryl,” but simply, “Quack.” I’m sure that’s
How to Create a Friendly “Private Joke” with Them
what started our friendship. To this day, every time I hear his
“Quack” on the phone, it floods me with happy, if a tad embarrassing, memories. It recalls our history and renews our friendship
no matter how long it’s been since we last quacked at each other.
Now What’s Left?
Chemistry, charisma, and confidence are three characteristics
shared by big winners in all walks of life. Part One helped us make
a dynamic, confident, and charismatic first impression with body
language. In Part Two, we put smooth small-talk lyrics to our body
ballet. Then in Part Three, we seized hints from the big boys and
big girls so we’re contenders for life’s big league. Part Four rescued
us from being tongue-tied with folks with whom we have very little in common. And in Part Five, we learned techniques to create
instant chemistry, instant intimacy, instant rapport.
What’s left? You guessed it—making people feel really good
about themselves. But compliments are a dangerous weapon in
today’s world. One mishandling and you can butcher the relationship. Let us now explore the power of praise, the folly of flattery, and how you can use these potent tools effectively.
This page intentionally left blank.
How to Differentiate
the Power of Praise
from the Folly of
Kids are experts at getting what they want. Perched on Papa’s knee,
“Oh Daddy, you’re so wunnerful. I know you’ll buy me that new
doll.” The next morning, with Mama in the supermarket, “Oh
Mommy, I love you. You’re the most bestest mommy in the world.
I know you’ll buy me that chocolate munchie.”
From the hungry infant’s instinctive cooing as Mommy
approaches the crib to the car salesman’s calculated praise as the
prospect walks into the showroom, compliments come naturally
to people when they want something from somebody. In fact,
compliments are the most widely used and thoroughly endorsed
of all getting-what-you-want techniques. When Dale Carnegie
wrote “Begin with praise,” fifteen million readers took it to heart.
Most of us still think praise is the path to extracting what we want
from someone.
And yes, if it’s as simple as dolls from daddy and munchies
from mommy, it may be. But the business world has changed
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
dramatically since Dale Carnegie’s day. In today’s world, not every
smiling flatterer has the power to procure through praise.
The Malaise of Unskilled Praise
You give someone a compliment. You smile, waiting to see the
warm feelings engulf the recipient. You may have to wait a long
If he or she has a speck of suspicion your praise is self-serving,
it has the opposite effect. If your compliment is insincere or
unskilled, it can wreck your chances of ever being trusted by that
person again. It can abort a potential relationship before it ever gets
off the runway.
However, skilled praise is a different story. When done well,
it gives the relationship immediate liftoff. It can make a sale, win
a new friend, or rejuvenate a marriage on a golden anniversary.
What is the difference between praise that lifts and flattery
that flattens? Many factors enter the equation. They include your
sincerity, timing, motivation, and wording. They also involve the
recipient’s self-image, professional position, experience with compliments, and judgment of your powers of perception. Of course
it entails the relationship between the two of you and how long
you have known each other. If you’re complimenting someone
by phone, E-mail, or snail mail, it even involves subtleties such
as whether you’ve ever seen his or face, either in person or a
Mind boggling, isn’t it? Sociologists’ research shows: 1) a compliment from a new person is more potent than from someone you
already know, 2) your compliment has more credibility when given
to an unattractive person or an attractive person whose face you’ve
never seen, 3) you are taken more seriously if you preface your
comments by some self-effacing remark—but only if your listener
perceives you as higher on the totem pole. If you’re lower, your
How to Differentiate the Power of Praise from the Folly of Flattery
self-effacing remark reduces your credibility. Complicated, this
complimenting stuff.
Rather than dizzying ourselves with the surfeit of specific
studies, let’s just put some terrific techniques in our little bag of
tricks. Each of the following meets all the criteria of social scientists’ findings. Here are nine effective ways to praise in the new
51 How to Compliment
Someone (Without
Sounding Like You’re
The risk in giving a compliment face-to-face is, of course, that the
distrustful recipient will assume you are indulging in shameless,
obsequious pandering to achieve your own greedy goals.
It’s a sad reality about compliments. If you lay a big one out
of the blue on your boss, your prospect, or your sweetie, the recipient will probably think you’re brownnosing. Your main squeeze
will assume you’re suffering guilt over something you’ve done. So
what’s the solution? Hold back your sincere esteem?
No, simply deliver it through the grapevine. The grapevine
has long been a trusted means of communication. From the days
when Catskills comics insisted the best ways to spread news were
“telephone, telegraph, and tell-a-woman,” we have known it works.
Unfortunately the grapevine is most often associated with bad
news, the kind that goes in one ear and over the back fence. But
the grapevine need not be laden only with scuttlebutt and sour
grapes. Good news can travel through the same filament. And
when it arrives in the recipient’s ear, it is all the more delectable.
This is not a new discovery. Back in 1732, Thomas Fuller wrote,
“He’s my friend that speaks well of me behind my back.” We’re
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Compliment Someone (Without Sounding Like You’re Brownnosing) 203
more apt to trust someone who says nice things about us when we
aren’t listening than someone who flatters us to our face.
No-Risk Praise (Do It Behind Their Back)
Instead of telling someone directly of your admiration, tell someone who is close to the person you wish to compliment. For
instance, suppose you want to be in the good graces of Jane Smith.
Don’t directly compliment Jane. Go to her close associate Diane
Doe and say, “You know, Jane is a very dynamic woman. She said
something so brilliant in the meeting the other day. Someday she’ll
be running this company.” I place ten-to-one odds your comment
will get back to Jane via the grapevine in twenty-four hours. Diane
will tell her friend, “You should hear what so ’n’ so said about you
the other day.”
Technique #51
Grapevine Glory
A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one
he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by
telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend. This
way you escape possible suspicion that you are an
apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, backscratching sycophant trying to win brownie points. You
also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you are
telling the whole world about their greatness.
When you gave Grapevine Glory to Jane, Diane became the
carrier pigeon of that compliment. Which leads us to the next
technique where you become the carrier pigeon of other people’s
52 How to Be a
“Carrier Pigeon” of
Good Feelings
Carrier pigeons have a long and valiant history. The dauntless
winged messengers, often maimed by shellfire and dying after
delivering their messages, have saved the lives of thousands. One
tenacious little bird named Cher Ami is credited with saving two
hundred lives during the Battle of the Argonne in World War I.
The brave one-legged little birdie, one of his wings shot through,
carried a message dangling from his remaining ligament. The
blood-smeared little ball of feathers arrived just in time to warn
that the Germans were about to bomb the city.
Stumpy Joe, another plucky pigeon, had such a heroic battlescarred career that his fans stuffed him, mounted him, and put
him on display in the National Air Force Museum in Dayton,
Ohio. And millions of other brave birds have brought joyful messages to racing-pigeon enthusiasts around the world. In that fine
tradition, I present the complimenting technique I call “Carrier
Pigeon Kudos.”
Whenever you hear a laudatory comment about someone,
don’t let it end there. You don’t need to write it, roll it up in a capsule, strap it to your leg like Stumpy Joe, and fly it to the recipient. Nevertheless, you can remember the kudo and verbally carry
it to the person who will get the most pleasure—the person who
was complimented.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Be a “Carrier Pigeon” of Good Feelings
Keep your ears open for good things people say about each
other. If your colleague Carl says something nice about another
colleague, Sam, pass it on. “You know, Sam, Carl said the nicest
thing about you the other day.”
Your sister tells you your first cousin is a dynamite relative. Go
ahead and call Cuz’.
Your mother tells you she thinks Manny did a great job mowing the lawn. Pass it on to him. Hey, we all like a little appreciation, even from Mom.
Here’s where it benefits you. Everyone loves the bearer of glad
tidings. When you bring someone third-party kudos, they appreciate you as much as the complimenter. Call it gossip if you like.
This is the good kind.
Technique #52
Carrier Pigeon Kudos
People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize
themselves into carrier pigeons when there’s bad news.
(It’s called gossip.) Instead, become a carrier of good
news and kudos. Whenever you hear something
complimentary about someone, fly to them with the
compliment. Your fans may not posthumously stuff
you and put you on display in a museum like Stumpy
Joe. But everyone loves the carrier pigeon of kind
Carry More Cargo than Compliments
Another way to warm hearts and win friends is to become a carrier pigeon of news items that might interest the recipient. Call,
mail, or E-mail people with information they might find interest-
How to Talk to Anyone
ing. If your friend Ned is a furniture designer in North Carolina
and you see a big article in the Los Angeles Times about furniture
trends, fax it to him. If your client Sally is a sculptor in Seattle and
you see her work in someone’s home in New York, send her a note.
My friend Dan lives in San Francisco, and whenever he runs
across anything in the paper on communications, he clips it and
sends it to me. No note, just “FYI—Regards, Dan” in the corner.
He’s like my own private West Coast clipping service.
Try it. Think of the money you’ll save on greeting cards. A
relevant clipping is the big winner’s way of saying, “I’m thinking
of you and your interests.”
53 How to Make ’Em Feel
Your Admiration “Just
Slipped Out”
Here’s yet another caress for someone’s ego. Don’t give a blatant
compliment. Merely imply something magnificent about your conversation partner. Several months ago, I was visiting an old friend
in Denver whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. When he came to
my hotel to pick me up, he said, “Hello, Leil, how are you?” Then
he paused, looked at me, and said, “You’ve obviously been well.”
Wow, I felt terrific. He implied I looked good and that made my
Guess the Good Lord decided I shouldn’t have too swollen a
head, however, because later that evening, after my friend dropped
me off, I got into the hotel elevator. A maintenance man entered
at the third floor. He smiled at me. I smiled back. He looked at
me again and said, “Gosh, ma’am, was you a model? [Oh, man,
was I feeling on top of the world now!] . . . when you was young?”
he continued.
CRASH! Why couldn’t he have zipped his lip before the
zinger? I loved the implication in the first part of his comment.
But the second implied I was now an old lady. Ruined my next
day. Heck, his unintentional low blow ruined my week. In fact I
still feel wretched about it.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
You have to be careful of unintentional bad implications. If,
visiting a new city, you stop someone on the street and say, “Excuse
me, could you tell me if there are any fine dining restaurants
nearby?” you are implying the passerby is a person of taste. If,
however, you ask that same passerby, “Hey, know any down and
dirty bars in this burg?” your implication is entirely different. Find
a way to imply magnificent qualities of those you wish to indirectly compliment.
Technique #53
Implied Magnificence
Throw a few comments into your conversation that
presuppose something positive about the person you’re
talking with. But be careful. Don’t blow it like the wellintentioned maintenance man. Or the southern boy
who, at the prom, thought he was flattering his date
when he told her, “Gosh, Mary Lou, for a fat gal you
dance real good.”
54 How to Win Their
Hearts by Being an
Next in our agglomeration of joy spreaders is a technique I call
“Accidental Adulation.” Once, at a small dinner party, the subject
turned to space travel. The gentleman seated to my right said,
“Leil, you’re much too young to remember this, but when Apollo
11 landed on the moon . . .”
If my life depended on it, I couldn’t tell you what the chap
said next. I simply remember smiling to myself and stretching to
get a glimpse of my youthful self in the dining-room mirror. Of
course I remember July 1969. Like the rest of the world, I was
glued to the television watching Neil Armstrong’s size 9½B boot
hit the moon. However, I certainly was not thinking of moon
travel at that dinner party. I was too busy reveling in the fact that
this lovely man didn’t think I was old enough to remember 1969.
I assumed his opinion of my youthfulness just slipped out. Therefore it must be sincere.
Sure! Now that I think about it, he probably knew darn well
I was old enough to remember the moon landing. I bet he was
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
using the maneuver Accidental Adulation. But it doesn’t matter.
My warm memories of him remain. Accidental Adulation is slipping praise into the secondary part of your point, putting it in verbal parentheses.
Try It. You’ll Like It. They’ll Love It.
Try Accidental Adulation and see smiles break out on the faces of
the recipients. Tell your sixty-five-year-old uncle, “Anyone as fit
as you would have zipped right up those steps, but boy, was I out
of breath.” Tell a colleague: “Because you’re so knowledgeable in
contract law, you would have read between the lines, but stupidly,
I signed it.”
You run the danger, of course, that you will please the recipient so profoundly with your parenthetical praise, he or she won’t
hear your main point.
Technique #54
Accidental Adulation
Become an undercover complimenter. Stealthily sneak
praise into the parenthetical part of your sentence.
Just don’t try to quiz anyone later on your main
point. The joyful jolt of your accidental adulation
strikes them temporarily deaf to anything that follows.
So far we have explored four covert compliments: Grapevine
Glory, Carrier Pigeon Kudos, Implied Magnificence, and Accidental Adulation. There are times, of course, when blatant praise
does work. The next techniques will hone your skills in this precarious but rewarding venture.
55 How to Make ’Em Never
Forget You with a
“Killer Compliment”
Would you like to have a little trick up your sleeve potent enough
to kick start commerce, ignite a friendship or even a love affair?
I’ll give you one, but only if you heed its warning label. You must
register your tongue as a lethal weapon once you’ve mastered the
following technique. It’s called the “Killer Compliment.”
It was born one night some years ago after my then-roommate,
Christine, and I had just returned home from a holiday party. As
we were taking off our coats, she had a silly smile on her face and
a faraway look in her eye.
“Christine, are you OK?” I asked.
“Oh yes,” she purred. “I’m going to go out with that man.”
“Man? What man?”
“Oh, you know,” she said, chastising me for not knowing, “the
one who told me I had beautiful teeth.”
That night I happened to walk by the bathroom door as
Christine was getting ready for bed. I saw her grinning at herself
in the mirror, tilting her head from side to side, and brushing each
individual tooth. All the while she kept her eyes glued to the mirror, inspecting each one for the beauty her new admirer commented on. I realized the fellow who had given Christine the
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
unusual compliment had made her day—and had made a killer
impression on her. Thus the Killer Compliment came into being.
What is the Killer Compliment? It is commenting on some
very personal and specific quality you spot in someone. A Killer
Compliment is not “I like your tie” or “You’re a very nice person.”
(The first is not personal enough and the second is not specific
enough.) A Killer Compliment is more like “What exquisite eyes
you have,” (very specific) or “You have a wonderful air of honesty
about you,” (very personal).
Because delivering your first Killer Compliment is difficult, I
trick my seminar participants into pulling it off. About midway
through the program, I’ll ask them to close their eyes and think
about a partner they had in an earlier exercise. Then I say, “Now
recall one attractive physical quality or personality trait you
observed in your partner. Not one you would necessarily comment
on,” I caution. “Perhaps your partner had a lovely smile or a twinkle in her eye. Perhaps he exuded a sense of calm or credibility.
Got it in your mind?”
Then the thunderbolt: “OK, now go find your partner and
tell them the nice quality you noticed.” “What? Tell them?” The
thought paralyzes them. One by one, however, they courageously
seek their partners and deliver their Killer Compliments. As people hear a stranger tell them they have beautiful hands or penetrating brown eyes, joy fills the room. Laughter explodes in every
corner. I am now looking out at a sea of smiles and happy blushes.
Everyone loves receiving his or her personal Killer Compliment.
And everyone develops friendly feelings toward the giver.
The Killer Compliment User’s Manual
Just like a cannon, if you don’t use the Killer Compliment correctly, it can backfire. Here’s the user’s manual that comes with
the mighty missile.
How to Make ’Em Never Forget You with a “Killer Compliment”
Technique #55
Killer Compliment
Whenever you are talking with a stranger you’d like to
make part of your professional or personal future, search
for one attractive, specific, and unique quality he or she
At the end of the conversation, look the individual
right in the eye. Say his or her name and proceed to
curl all ten toes with the Killer Compliment.
Rule #1: Deliver your Killer Compliment to the recipient in private. If you are standing with a group of four or five
people and you praise one woman for being fit, every other woman
feels like a barrel of lard. If you tell one man he has wonderful
carriage, every other feels like a hunchback. You also make the
blushing recipient uncomfortable.
Rule #2: Make your Killer Compliment credible. For
example, I’m tone-deaf. If I’m forced to sing even a simple song
like “Happy Birthday,” I sound like a sick pig. If anyone in earshot
were foolish enough to tell me they liked my voice, I’d know it
was hogwash.
Rule #3: Confer only one Killer Compliment per half
year on each recipient. Otherwise you come across as insincere,
groveling, obsequious, pandering, and a thoroughly manipulative
person. Not cool.
With careful aim, the Killer Compliment captures everyone.
It works best, however, when you use it judiciously on new
acquaintances. If you want to praise friends every day, employ the
next technique.
56 How to Make ’Em Smile
with “Itty-Bitty
In contrast to the big guns of Killer Compliments for strangers,
and The Tombstone Game for loved ones, which we will learn
shortly, here’s a little peashooter you can pop off at anyone, anytime. I call it “Little Strokes.”
Little Strokes are short, quick kudos you drop into your casual
conversation. Make liberal use of Little Strokes with your colleagues in the office:
“Nice job, John!”
“Well done, Kyoto!”
“Hey, not bad, Billy!”
I have one friend who uses a lovely Little Stroke. If I do something he likes, he says, “Not too shabby, Leil.”
You can also use Little Strokes on the everyday achievements
of your loved ones. If your spouse just cooked a great meal, “Wow,
you’re the best chef in town.” Just before going out together, “Gee,
honey, you look great.” After a long drive, “You did it! It must have
been tiring.” With your kids, “Hey, gang, great job cleaning up
your room.”
I once read a poignant Reader’s Digest article about a little girl
who often misbehaved. Her mother had to continually reprimand
her. However, one day, the little girl had been especially good and
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make ’Em Smile with “Itty-Bitty Boosters” 215
hadn’t done a single thing that called for a reprimand. The mother
said, “That night after I tucked her in bed and started downstairs,
I heard a muffled noise. Running back up, I found her head buried
in the pillow. She was sobbing. Between the sobs she asked,
‘Mommy, haven’t I been a pretty good girl today?’ ”
The question, the mother said, went through her like a knife.
“I had been quick to correct her,” she said, “when she was wrong.
But when she tried to behave, I hadn’t noticed it and I put her to
bed without one word of appreciation.”
Adults are all grown-up little girls and little boys. We may not
go to bed sobbing if the people in our lives don’t notice when we
are good. Nevertheless, a trace of those tears lingers.
Technique #56
Little Strokes
Don’t make your colleagues, your friends, your loved
ones look at you and silently say, “Haven’t I been pretty
good today?” Let them know how much you appreciate
them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like
“Nice job!” “Well done!” “Cool!”
Little Things Mean a Lot
Little Strokes are indeed, little. But as every woman knows, they
mean a lot. I’ve yet to meet a woman who wouldn’t agree with
these lyrics from an old song sung by Kitty Kallen:
Blow me a kiss from across the room.
Say I look nice when I’m not.
Touch my hair as you pass my chair.
How to Talk to Anyone
Little things mean a lot.
Send me the warmth of a secret smile
To show me you haven’t forgot.
For always and ever, now and forever,
Little things mean a lot.
To further complicate the art of the compliment, one must
consider timing. Blatant, barefaced, brazen flattery turns all but
the blindest egomaniacs off. But the human animal never fails to
amaze observers. There are moments when, if you don’t give a blatant, barefaced, brazen compliment—even to a bright individual—you lose. The following technique defines those moments.
57 How to Praise with
Perfect Timing
I’ll never forget the first time I gave a luncheon speech in front of
strangers. I’d practiced for the stuffed animals on my bed and my
roommate, Christine, but this was my debut in front of a real
As I shakily got to my feet, I looked out at seventeen smiling
Rotarians waiting for my words of wit and wisdom. My tongue
was dry as chalk dust, my palms as wet as a fish. The audience
might as well have been seventeen thousand judges waiting to sentence me to eternal humiliation if I didn’t inform and entertain
each. I gave a last panic-stricken glance at Christine, who had
driven me to the club, and began, “Good afternoon. It gives me
great pleasure . . . ”
Thirty minutes later, amidst scattered applause which I feared
was obligatory, I crawled back to my seat next to Christine. I
looked expectantly at her. She smiled and said, “You know this
dessert isn’t bad. Have some.”
Dessert? “Dessert! Dammit, Christine, how did I do?” I
silently screamed at her. A few minutes later Christine told me how
much she and, she assumed, everyone else enjoyed my talk. Nevertheless, by then it was too late. The crucial compliment-craving
moment had passed.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Quick as a Hiccup, You Must
Compliment NOW
When the doctor sadistically smacks your knee with that nasty little rubber hammer, you instantly give a knee jerk. And when people make a coup, you must instantly hit them with a knee-jerk
“Wow, you were great!”
Say they’ve just successfully negotiated a deal, cooked a terrific Thanksgiving turkey, or sung a solo song at the birthday party.
No matter whether their accomplishment is trivial or triumphant,
you must praise it immediately—not ten minutes later, not two
minutes later—immediately. The moment the winner walks out
of the boardroom, the kitchen, the spotlight, the victor wants to
hear only one sound: “WOW!”
Technique #57
The Knee-Jerk “Wow!”
Quick as a blink, you must praise people the moment
they a finish a feat. In a wink, like a knee-jerk reaction
say, “You were terrific!”
Don’t worry that they won’t believe you. The
euphoria of the moment has a strangely numbing effect
on the achiever’s objective judgment.
But What If They Really Bombed?
“Are you asking me to lie?” you ask. Yes. Absolutely, positively,
resoundingly, YES. This is one of the few moments in life where
a lie is condoned by the most ethical individuals. Big winners realize that sensitivity to an insecure performer’s ego takes momentary precedence over their deep commitment to the truth. They
How to Praise with Perfect Timing
also know, when sanity returns to the recipient and they suspect
they screwed up, it won’t matter. He or she will retroactively appreciate your sensitivity and forgive your compassionate falsehood.
We’ve talked a lot about giving compliments, both covert and
overt. Now let’s talk about a skill that, for many, is even harder—
receiving them.
58 How to Make ’Em Want
to Compliment You
We have a national weakness: we don’t know how to receive a
compliment! In fact, I would like to dedicate the following technique to my French friends who contend the French are better at
everything. Well, I concede one point. The French are, indeed,
better at receiving compliments. I’ll explain how shortly.
Americans, unfortunately, are beastly at accepting adulation.
If someone compliments you and you react clumsily out of embarrassment, you unwittingly start a vicious cycle. A friend ventures
a compliment:
He: (smiling) “Hey, that’s a nice dress you’re wearing.”
She: (frowning) “Oh, this old thing?”
He: (thinking) “Whoops, she didn’t seem to like hearing that.
She thinks I have terrible taste to like that dress. I’d better keep
my mouth shut.”
Three weeks later . . .
She: (thinking grumpily) “He doesn’t ever give me compliments anymore. What a boor!”
He: (thinking gloomily) “What’s her problem?”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make ’Em Want to Compliment You
“Girls Don’t Like What?”
Several months ago in one of my seminars, the group was discussing compliments. One fellow insisted that “girls don’t like
“Girls don’t like what?” I asked incredulously.
He explained, “I once told a woman she had beautiful eyes.
And she said, ‘Boy, are you blind.’ ” The poor chap was so
wounded by her reaction, he became gun-shy and had not aimed
a compliment at a female since. What a shame for womankind and
what a blight on his social skills.
Upon receiving a compliment, many people demur or proffer
an embarrassed little “Thank you.” Worse, they protest, “Well, not
really, but thanks anyway.” Some people toss it off with, “just luck.”
When you react this way, you visit a grave injustice on the complimenter. You insult a well-meaning person’s powers of perception.
“Vous Êtes Gentil”
Leave it to French folks to come up with a congenial catchall
phrase. Upon receiving a compliment, they say, “Vous êtes gentil.”
Loosely translated, that is “How kind of you.”
An American saying “How kind of you” could sound stilted—
like the little flower girl in My Fair Lady trying to be cultured.
Nevertheless, we Yanks can express the French gentil sentiment
with a technique I call “Boomeranging.”
When you toss a boomerang, it makes an almost 180-degree
swerve in midair and soars back to land at the feet of the thrower.
Likewise, when someone tosses a compliment your way, let the good
feelings soar back to the tosser. Don’t just say “Thanks.” (Or worse,
“Oh it’s nothing.”) Let them know of your gratitude and find a way
to compliment them for their compliment. A few examples:
How to Talk to Anyone
She says, “I like those shoes.” You say, “Oh I’m so happy you
told me. I just got them.”
He says, “You really did a good job on this project.” You say,
“Oh, that’s so nice of you to tell me. I appreciate your positive
You can also Boomerang the good feelings back when people
ask you a question about your family, a project, an event, or anything that shows they are interested in you.
Your colleague asks, “How was your vacation in Hawaii?” You
answer, “Oh, you remembered I went to Hawaii! It was great,
Your boss asks, “Are you over your cold now?” You answer, “I
appreciate your concern. I feel much better now.”
Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the
form of a compliment or concerned question, reflect it back on
the shiner.
Technique #58
Just as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let
compliments boomerang right back to the giver. Like
the French, quickly murmur something that expresses
“That’s very kind of you.”
Incidently, in that seminar, I decided to do womankind a favor
by setting malekind straight on compliments once and for all. I
asked the fellow who swore women hated praise to give three
women sitting near him a sincere compliment. He chose the
woman with “the beautiful silver hair sitting behind him,” the girl
How to Make ’Em Want to Compliment You
with the “hands like a pianist” to his left, and the lady with “the
lovely deep-blue eyes” on his right. He told them all.
Three women waltzed out of the room that night feeling a little better about themselves than when they walked in. And, I
hope, for all the women he would yet meet in his life, one man
left with a changed attitude about compliments.
As we come to the end of our exploration of praise, I want to
make sure you’re aiming dead center for people’s hearts. Whether
you’re giving little Carrier Pigeon Kudos or laying a Killer Compliment on your conversation partner, this next technique keeps
you on target.
59 How to Make a Loved
One Feel You Are THE
Partner for Life
Do you remember when you were a kid the hundreds of times
Mommy’s and Daddy’s friends asked, “And what do you want to
be when you grow up?” That was our cue to regale our adoring
audience with dreams of being a ballerina, a firefighter, a nurse, a
cowboy, or a movie star. Well, most of our lives wound up being
a little closer to butcher, baker, or candlestick maker. Nevertheless, we all still have fantasies of our own greatness.
Even though most of us cashed in our childhood dreams of
being the star we thought we’d be (so we could make some
money), we all know that deep down we are very, very, very special. We say to ourselves, “Maybe the world will little note nor long
remember how brilliant, how wonderful, how witty, how creative
or caring I really am. However, those who truly know and love
me—they will recognize my greatness, my magic, my specialness
over all other ordinary mortals.” When we find people with the
supernatural powers of perception to recognize our remarkableness, we become addicted to the heady drug of their appreciation.
Praising someone you know and love requires a different set
of skills from complimenting a stranger. The formula to bring
someone even closer to you personally or professionally follows. I
call it “The Tombstone Game.” It requires a little setup.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make a Loved One Feel You Are THE Partner for Life
Step one: In a quiet moment chatting with your friend, your
loved one, or your business partner, tell him or her that the other
day you were reading about—of all things—tombstones! “The
piece was about,” you say, “what people fantasize will be inscribed
above their grave after they die.” You learned that people want the
quality they are most proud of in life etched in stone. Then say,
“The variety is surprising. Everyone has a different self-image, a
different deep source of pride.” Examples:
Here lies John Doe. He was a brilliant scientist.
Here lies Diane Smith. She was a caring woman.
Here lies Billy Bucks. By golly, he could make people laugh.
Here lies Jane Wilson. She spread joy wherever she went.
Here lies Harry Jones. He lived life his way.
Step two: Reveal to your partner what you would like carved
on your tombstone. Be serious about your revelation to encourage
him or her to do likewise.
Step three: Now, you pop the question, “You know, Joe, when
all is said and done, what are you most proud of ? What would you
like the world to most remember about you? What would you
want the world to see carved on your tombstone?”
Perhaps your business partner Joe says, “Well, I guess I’d sort
of like people to know that I’m a man of my word.” Listen carefully. If he expounds on it, take note of every nuance. Then file it
away in your heart and don’t say a word about it again. Joe will
forget you ever played The Tombstone Game with him.
Step four: Let at least three weeks pass. Then, whenever you
want to improve the relationship, feed the information back to
your partner in the form of a compliment. Say “Joe, you know the
reason I really appreciate being in business with you is because
you’re a man of your word.”
WOW, that hits Joe like a 747 out of the sky. “Finally,” he
says to himself, “someone who appreciates me for who I really
am.” Telling him you admire him for the same reason he admires
How to Talk to Anyone
himself has an impact on Joe like no other compliment in the
Now, suppose your friend is Billy Bucks, the one who wanted
his wit carved on his tombstone. You’d say, “Billy, ol’ buddy, you’re
terrific. I loves ya ’cause you can really make people laugh.”
“I Love You Because . . . ” (You Fill
in the Blank)
Suppose your significant other is Jane Wilson in the preceding
example. Tell your beloved, “Jane, I love you because you spread
joy wherever you go.”
Suppose your life partner is Harry Jones. You take his hand
and say, “Harry, I love you because you live life your way.” BLAM!
You have found that tender spot where the heart and the ego
Technique #59
The Tombstone Game
Ask the important people in your life what they would
like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your
memory but don’t mention it again. Then, when the
moment is right to say “I appreciate you” or “I love
you,” fill the blanks with the very words they gave you
weeks earlier.
You take people’s breath away when you feed their
deepest self-image to them in a compliment. “At last,”
they say to themselves, “someone who loves me for who
I truly am.”
How to Make a Loved One Feel You Are THE Partner for Life
The Tombstone Game compliments are not interchangeable.
Billy Bucks might not appreciate your calling him a man of his
word; Billy’s thing is humor. Jane might not value your thinking
she lives life her way. Her source of pride is spreading joy wherever she goes.
It’s wonderful to tell people you appreciate or love them.
When it matches what they appreciate or love about themselves,
the effect is overpowering.
This page intentionally left blank.
How to Direct Dial
Their Hearts
Hundreds of people have formed impressions of you through that
little device on your desk, your bed table, your kitchen wall. And
they’ve never actually met you. They’ve never seen your smiles,
felt your frowns. They’ve never grasped your hand or enjoyed your
hugs. They’ve never read your body language or seen how you
dress. Everything they know about you came through tiny filaments, sometimes from hundreds of miles away. But they feel they
know you just from the sound of your voice. That’s how powerful the telephone is.
Powerful, yes, but not always accurate. For years I dealt with
my travel agent only by phone. Rani, my faceless agent whom I’d
never met in person, got me rock-bottom prices on airfares, cars,
and hotels. But her snippy phone personality really ticked me off.
A dozen times I vowed to find another agent.
One Monday morning several years ago, I received bad news
and had to book an immediate flight home for a family emergency.
I had no time to wait in line at the airport, so I jumped in a cab
and asked the driver to wait in front of the travel agency while I
grabbed tickets and a boarding pass.
Like a lit fuse, I zipped into Rani’s agency for the first time.
Seeing my frenzied rush, the woman sitting at the front desk sympathetically jumped up. She gave me a reassuring smile and asked
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
how she could help me. As I blithered on about my need for an
emergency ticket, she smiled, nodded, and lunged immediately
into action. “What a terrific lady!” I thought as she printed out
the tickets.
Moments later, darting out gratefully grasping the tickets in
my fist, I called out over my shoulder, “By the way, what’s your
“Leil, I’m Rani,” she said. I whirled around and saw a thoroughly congenial woman with a big smile on her face waving to
wish me a safe trip. I was dumbfounded! Why had I previously
thought she was so snippy? Rani was, well, so nice.
Sitting back in the cab on the way to the airport, I figured it
all out. Rani’s friendliness—her warm smile, her nods, her good
eye contact, her body language, her “I’m here for you” attitude—
were all silent signals that didn’t travel through wires. I closed my
eyes and tried to remember the voice I had heard moments ago.
Yes, it was Rani’s same crisp, curt pronunciation. But her friendly
body language made her seem like a different person from the
brusque agent I’d dealt with on the phone. Rani’s phone personality and her demeanor in person were completely different shows.
I realized it’s the same with all of us. Your personality, mine,
and everyone’s could be likened to a show, a theatrical performance. You want to make sure yours is a box-office smash, not a
flop. The following ten techniques will get your phone personality rave reviews.
60 How to Sound More
Exciting on the Phone
I have a friend, Tina, who designed costumes for an off-offBroadway show that became a smash hit a few years ago. The tiny
show was such a critical success, it won the heart of an angel—
a backer—and it went to Broadway. There the show laid a big
fat egg.
When I read the bad news, I called Tina. “Tina, why did the
show get such bad reviews on Broadway?” Tina told me that, sadly,
the director didn’t insist the actors and actresses change their performances to adapt to the new surroundings. The actors’ understated movements, which moved small audiences alternately to
laughter and tears, were lost in the big Broadway house. Audiences
couldn’t see their subtle gestures and poignant facial expressions.
Tina told me the performers neglected to make their movements
much bigger to fit the new medium.
That excellent advice is not just for actors. Whenever you are
talking, you must consider your medium. If your face were on a
big movie screen, you might get your message across with a wink
or an eyebrow raise. On radio, however, that would be meaningless. Because listeners couldn’t see your wink, you’d have to say
something like “Hi, Cutie.” Because listeners couldn’t see your
raised eyebrows, you’d have to say, “Wow, I’m surprised!”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Your body language and facial expressions comprise more than
half your personality. When people don’t see you, they can get an
entirely wrong impression as I did with Rani. To get your personality across on the phone, you must translate your emotions into
sound. In fact, you have to exaggerate the sound because studies
have shown people lose 30 percent of the energy level in their
voices on the phone.
Say you meet an important new contact tomorrow. When
you’re introduced, you shake her hand, you fully face her. You
make good, strong eye contact and let a sincere smile flood over
your face. You even nod and smile, listening intently as she speaks.
She likes you a lot.
But how good an impression could you make on that VIP if
both you and she were blindfolded and the two of you had your
hands tied behind your backs? That’s the handicap you suffer on
the phone.
If she couldn’t see you, you’d have to substitute words to let
her know you’re agreeing or listening. You’d have to somehow verbalize that you’re smiling and use her name more to replace the eye
contact. You’d be using the technique I call “Talking Gestures.”
To make up for your missing eye contact, punctuate your
phone conversations with “Uh huh” or “I hear you.” So your listener knows you’re nodding in approval, verbalize “I see,” “Oh
that’s great,” “No kidding,” “Interesting,” and “Tell me more!”
She didn’t see you hitting your head in surprise? Better say
“What a surprise!” or “You don’t say!”
He just said something impressive and he can’t see your look
of admiration? Try “That was wise of you” or “You’re no dummy!”
Of course, you need a big verbal smile in your repertoire. Try
“Oh, wow, that’s funny!” Obviously you’re going to choose phrases
that match your personality and the situation. Just make sure your
phone listeners hear your emotions.
How to Sound More Exciting on the Phone
Technique #60
Talking Gestures
Think of yourself as the star of a personal radio drama
every time you pick up the phone. If you want to come
across as engaging as you are, you must turn your
smiles into sound, your nods into noise, and all your
gestures into something your listener can hear. You
must replace your gestures with talk. Then punch up
the whole act 30 percent!
61 How to Sound Close
(Even if You’re Hundreds
of Miles Away)
When you’re not sitting across from each other resting your elbows
on the same desk, your forks on the same table, or your heads on
the same pillow, you need a substitute for intimacy. How can you
create closeness when the two of you are hundreds of miles apart?
How can you make the person you’re talking to on the phone feel
special when you can’t pat their back or give them a little hug?
The answer is simple. Just use your caller’s name far more
often than you would in person. In fact, shower your conversations with his or her name. When your listener hears it, it’s like
receiving a verbal caress:
“Thanks, Sam.”
“Let’s do it, Betty.”
“Hey, Demetri, why not?”
“It’s really been good talking to you, Kathi.”
Saying a person’s name too often in face-to-face conversation
sounds manipulative. However, on the phone the effect is dramatically different. If you heard someone say your name, even if
you were being jostled around in a big noisy crowd, you’d perk up
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Sound Close (Even if You’re Hundreds of Miles Away)
and listen. Likewise, when your phone partner hears his or her own
name coming through the receiver, it commands attention and recreates the familiarity the phone robs from you.
If your listener is drifting, it brings him right back. If she’s
opening mail, she stops. If he’s picking his teeth, he pulls the pick
out. When you say someone’s name on the phone, it’s like yanking the person into the room with you.
Technique #61
Name Shower
People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it
more often on the phone than you would in person to
keep their attention. Your caller’s name re-creates the
eye contact, the caress, you might give in person.
Saying someone’s name repeatedly when face-to-face
sounds pandering. But because there is physical distance
between you on the phone—sometimes you’re a continent apart—you can spray your conversation with it.
62 How to Make ’Em
Happy They Called You
Brr-ing! No matter whether you hear the ring in the boardroom,
the bedroom, or the bathroom, self-styled telephone experts tell
you, “Smile before answering.” Some pros even suggest you perch
a mirror right next to your phone to monitor your grin.
Been there, done that, doesn’t work. One evening, in the middle of my weekly mud-pack facial, the phone rang. The horror of
seeing myself in the phone mirror made my voice as hideous as
my face. I immediately trashed the pro’s advice along with the mirror. Who wants to sound like a dizzy Pollyanna? A no-brain
Cheshire cat? A lonely recluse whose life is so dull that the big
thrill of the day is a phone call? Any phone call? From anybody!
Big winners don’t smile before answering. They put a smile in
their voices after they hear who is on the line. That’s when it
counts. Answer the phone unemotionally, professionally. Say your
name or the name of your company. Then when you hear who is
on the line, the little trick is to let a big smile flood over your face.
“Oh Joe, [smile] how nice to hear from you!” “Sally, [smile]
how are you?” “Bill, [smile] I was hoping it would be you.”
My friend Steve lives in Washington, D.C., and heads a major
trade association that lobbies on Capitol Hill. Whenever I call
Steve, I never know which of his dozens of assistants is going to
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make ’Em Happy They Called You
answer. Nevertheless, whoever answers gives me the same warm
First he or she says, “Cable Telecommunications Association,”
the individual’s name, and “How may I direct your call?” No fake
friendliness. No prefab smiles in the voice. I am sure the assistant
is not beaming back at his- or herself in any mirror.
When I say “Is Mr. Effros available? This is Leil Lowndes calling,” that’s when the employee becomes superfriendly. “Oh yes,
Ms. Lowndes,” he or she purrs. “Definitely! Let me put you right
Wow, does that make me feel special! As I’m waiting for Steve
to come to the phone, I fantasize him sitting at the head of a long
mahogany table in his weekly staff meeting. I can just hear him
instructing his staff, “Now if the president or some higher-ups in
the White House call, put them right through. Oh, and of course,
if that important woman Leil Lowndes calls, put her right
through, too.”
While visiting Washington last year, I had lunch with Steve.
I took the opportunity to tell him what a pleasure it was to call
his office and how I appreciated his staff ’s warm phone reception.
I thanked him for familiarizing each with my name and mentioning I might be calling from time to time. Steve looked across
the table at me and blinked. “Leil,” he said, “you teach telephone
skills. Haven’t you caught on?”
“Forgive me if I’m bursting a bubble,” Steve said, “but everyone gets that reception, no matter who’s calling.”
When a Pain in the Neck Calls
“But Steve,” I protested when I’d recuperated from the initial disappointment that I was a victim of a technique and not a VIP,
How to Talk to Anyone
“what if the caller is unknown, a complete stranger? Surely your
staffers shouldn’t fake they know the caller.”
“Of course not, Leil. In that case, I instruct them to show
energy and enthusiasm over the reason they’re calling. For example, suppose the caller is a cable operator wanting to join our association. The caller would get a smile and a sincere, ‘Oh yes, Mr.
Smith, I’ll put you right through.’ ”
“Yeah, but suppose the caller is selling office furniture?” I
“Doesn’t matter,” Steve said. “The salesperson gets the same
reception after the staffer hears why he’s calling. If my staffer says
warmly, ‘Oh, office furniture!’ the caller feels good. And I find the
salesperson is a lot easier to deal with later.”
I told him, “OK, Steve, starting tomorrow morning, I’m going
to put that ‘Oh wow, I’m so happy you called for that reason’ attitude in my voice.”
The next morning, the first call was my dentist’s office. “Ms.
Lowndes, this call is to remind you you’re overdue for your sixmonth checkup.”
“Oh, of course, you’re so right,” I cooed. “I’m so glad you
called.” The receptionist sounded surprised but very pleased at my
reaction. “I can’t book an appointment right now,” I continued,
“but I’ll call you as soon as my schedule frees up.” She didn’t hassle me with her usual “Well, when do you expect that to be?” She
just hung up satisfied. (And I got what I wanted—no call from
my dentist’s office for at least another six months.)
The second time the phone rang, it was a man who had
ordered my tape set calling to complain that one of the tapes
broke. “Oh my goodness, I’m so glad you told me about that,” I
said with the enthusiasm of having won the lottery. The caller
sounded a little shocked but obviously pleased at my reaction. “Of
course, I’ll get another set out to you and I hope you accept my
apologies.” Caller hung up satisfied. (And I got what I wanted—
How to Make ’Em Happy They Called You
his good will and word of mouth in spite of my tape duplicator’s
The third call was tougher. This was from a vendor I had completely forgotten to pay. “Oh, I’m so glad you reminded me of that
bill,” I lied. Again, shocked pleasure was the caller’s reaction. (I
was probably the first creditor in history who ever sounded happy
she’d called.) “In the back of my mind I felt there was one bill I
had overlooked. I’m writing the check as we speak.”
Then I got my reward. The dunner said, “By the way, don’t
worry about the 2 percent per month late-payment charge. As long
as we get your check by the end of the week, it will be OK.” She
hung up happy. (And I got a present—no finance charges in spite
of my oversight.)
And so it went throughout the rest of the day, the rest of the
week, and ever since. Try it. You’ll find you get a lot more from anyone when you smile, after you find out who it is or why they’re calling. Use the “Oh Wow, It’s You!” technique on almost every call.
Technique #62
“Oh Wow, It’s You!”
Don’t answer the phone with an “I’m just sooo happy
all the time” attitude. Answer warmly, crisply, and
professionally. Then, after you hear who is calling, let a
huge smile of happiness engulf your entire face and
spill over into your voice. You make your caller feel as
though your giant warm fuzzy smile is reserved for him
or her.
63 How to Sneak Past
the Gatekeeper
“No, No, Aaaaaagh, not The Screen!” Picture a torture device
called “The Screen.” The mad scientist, laughing maniacally,
forces the victim into a giant meat grinder that mashes him
through a heavy-metal screen. It slices his body into a million molecules before he’s reconstituted on the other side. Being screened
when you call someone’s office is the emotional version of that
You place your cold call. “May I speak to Mr. Jones?” you
pleasantly ask.
“Who’s calling?” a haughty voice responds. Of course, your
name is not prestigious enough for the screener to grant you the
exalted status of speaking to Jones.
Her ruthless interrogation continues, “And what company are
you with?” You submit your company’s name, praying it will score
with her. And then to top it off, she has the pluck to ask, “And
what’s this in reference to?” Aaaaaagh!
Several weeks after my luncheon with Steve, I had the occasion to call him again. “Is Steve Effros available? This is Leil Lowndes calling.”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Sneak Past the Gatekeeper
“Oh yes, Ms. Lowndes, definitely. Let me put you right
through.” I start humming happily as I wait for Steve to come to
the line.
A moment later his assistant came back and said sympathetically, “I’m so sorry, Ms. Lowndes. Steve just stepped out to lunch.
I know he’ll be sorry he missed your call.” Meanwhile, I’m still
smiling. Do I suspect that Steve didn’t “just step out to lunch”?
Do I suspect he’s sitting right there? Do I ever, in my wildest paranoid dreams, think he doesn’t have the time or inclination to talk
to me? Do I feel screened? No way! I’m as happy as a carefree kitten as I leave my number for a callback. You see, I have probably
fallen for “The Sneaky Screen.”
Technique #63
The Sneaky Screen
If you must screen your calls, instruct your staff to first
say cheerfully, “Oh yes, I’ll put you right through. May
I tell her who’s calling?” If the party has already
identified himself, it’s “Oh of course, Mr. Whoozit. I’ll
put you right through.”
When the secretary comes back with the bad news
that Mr. or Ms. Bigwig is unavailable, callers don’t take
it personally and never feel screened. They fall for it
every time, just like I did.
64 How to Get What You
Want on the Phone
from Big Shots
I know a secret about a big cat who owns an international hotel
chain with properties in six countries. He hires and fires thousands, awards or pulls immense contracts, borrows from major
financial institutions, and makes lavish contributions to charities.
Mr. Big Cat (we’ll call him “Ed”) has a respected and immediately
recognizable name in his industry. And here’s the secret: Mrs. Big
Cat is the real brains behind the operation.
I became friends with Mrs. Big Cat (we’ll call her “Sylvia”)
when I did some consulting for her husband’s organization. Sylvia
invited me to tea one afternoon. She sweetly apologized that this
was “maid’s day off ” so we’d have to fend for ourselves. As we happily perched ourselves on the patio and were about to dive into
our tea and crumpets, the phone rang. She excused herself to
answer it.
I heard Mrs. Big Cat say, “No, I’m sorry, he’s not in. Shall I
tell him who called? . . . No, I don’t know when he is planning on
returning, but if you give me your name and . . . No, I said I don’t
know what time he’ll be back . . . Yes, I’ll tell him you called.”
As Sylvia returned to the patio, I could she was annoyed by
the call. Always on the lookout for a good phone story, I ventured
a questioning look.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Get What You Want on the Phone from Big Shots
Picking up on my curiosity, she said, “That fool thinks he’s
going to get a contribution from Ed. Ha!” she laughed wryly. Her
candor emboldened me to ask her more. It turns out the caller, a
Mr. Creighton, was a fund-raiser for a major charity Ed was considering contributing to. My hostess said Creighton had called
twice in the past two weeks when Ed was out. “And not once did
he greet me, ask how I was, or apologize for the disturbance.” This
did not please Mrs. Big Cat.
Was it a major irritation for Mrs. Big Cat? No, only minor.
But did it mean a major loss for the little cat who called? It sure
did. In Ed and Sylvia Big Cat’s household, subtleties count. At the
dinner table, Mrs. Big Cat could say to her husband, “A very nice
man named Creighton called for you today, dear.” Or she might
say, “A rather irritating chap named Creighton called for you
today.” One comment or the other could mean millions won or
lost by Creighton’s charity. And all because little cat Creighton
mildly ruffled Mrs. Big Cat’s whiskers.
Home advice: Salute the Spouse. Office advice: Salute the
Technique #64
Salute the Spouse
Whenever you are calling someone’s home, always identify
and greet the person who answers. Whenever you call
someone’s office more than once or twice, make friends
with the secretary. Anybody who is close enough to answer
the phone is close enough to sway the VIP’s opinion of you.
A surprising number of Big Cat spouses—and secretaries—
have deep claws into important business decisions. When it comes
How to Talk to Anyone
hiring time, firing time, promoting time, or buying time, many
spouses have a say. When it comes to whose calls get through,
whose proposals get put on the top of the boss’s desk, who gets
luncheon appointments made, secretaries’ opinions count!
Only foolish callers don’t realize all spouses and secretaries
have names. All spouses and secretaries have lives. All spouses and
secretaries have feelings. All spouses and secretaries have influence.
Deal accordingly.
65 How to Get What You
Want—by Timing!
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone, he and his
comrades had no use for such trite phrases as “Hi, how ya doin’?”
Bell and his boys never just started spouting their ideas into their
listener’s ears. The first words out of their mouths in those times
were “Can you talk?” Bell and his buddies were, of course, referring to technical capabilities.
Little did they know, more than a hundred years later, big
winners would use a form of that same greeting. Today, of course,
“Can you talk?” means “Is it convenient to talk?” Before launching into conversation, they always ask “Is this a good time to chat?”
“Did I catch you at a good time?” “Do you have a minute to discuss the widget account?”
All folks have a Big Ben in their brain that determines how
receptive they are going to be to you and your ideas. When you
mess with their internal cuckoo clock, they won’t listen to you. No
matter how interesting your information, or how pleasant your
call, bad timing means bad results for you.
It’s not your fault. Whenever you call someone at home, you
never know whether she was sleeping or whether there’s a fire raging in the kitchen stove. Whenever you call someone at work, you
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
never know whether he’s got two hours to get a report in or
whether the big boss is not-so-patiently sitting on his desk.
Whenever you place a call, always—not occasionally, not frequently—always ask about your timing. Make it a habit. Make it
a rule. Make it a self-punishable crime if the first words out of your
mouth don’t concern the convenience of your timing:
“Hi, Joe, is this a good time to talk?”
“Hello, Susan. Have you got a minute?”
“Hi, Carl, did I catch you good or did I catch you bad?”
“Sam, do you have a second for me to tell you about what
happened at the game last Saturday?”
There are many ways to say it, but it all boils down to “Is this
a good time to talk?”
My friend Barry, a broadcaster, accomplishes more in a day
than most people do in a week. He came up with a clever conversational device that ensures he’ll never shatter anyone’s emotional sundial. He calls it “What Color Is Your Time?” Barry
introduces the device by telling people he’s calling he has great
respect for their time. He then asks permission to start his future
conversations with a question that assures he’ll never disturb them
at an inopportune moment. Barry says he’s going to ask what color
their time is. They should honestly answer, “red,” “yellow,” or
Red means “I’m really rushed.”
Yellow means “I’m busy but what’s on your mind? If it’s quick,
we can deal with it.”
Green means “Sure, I’ve got time. Let’s talk.”
Red, like the stoplight at the corner, means stop. Yellow means
hurry up, time is short or stop and wait for the next green light.
Green means go.
Busy people pick up quickly on his artful device and enjoy the
game. Most especially, they enjoy Barry’s sensitivity and respect
for their time. In fact, he says, most of his callers play the same
How to Get What You Want—by Timing!
sensitive game when they call him. “Hi Barry, what color is your
time? Are you green?”
Salesfolks, Wait for the Green Light
A note here for salespeople. If you ask a prospect if he or she has
time to talk and the answer is “Not really, but tell me what’s on
your mind,” DON’T! Do not make your sales pitch while he or
she is red. Do not talk when he or she is yellow. Wait until green,
very green. (If you ever want to see any green coming from your
prospect, that is.)
Technique #65
What Color Is Your Time?
No matter how urgent you think your call, always
begin by asking the person about timing. Either use the
What Color Is Your Time? device or simply ask, “Is this
a convenient time for you to talk?” When you ask
about timing first, you’ll never smash your footprints
right in the middle of your telephone partner’s sands of
time. You’ll never get a “No!” just because your timing
wasn’t right.
66 How to Impress
Everyone with Your
Outgoing Voicemail
You can tell a lot about people just from the outgoing messages
they leave on their voice mail. “Hello,” his machine answers. “I’m
not in right now. But you probably don’t want to talk to me anyway.” Beep. Would you suspect this fellow has an inferiority
“Hello,” her machine answers. “The sound you hear is the
barking of our killer Doberman pinscher, Wolf. Please leave a message after the tone.” Beep. Would you suspect this woman is worried about break-ins? Most of us don’t record our personal foibles
so conspicuously for the world to hear. Nevertheless, people can
hear a lot between the lines of what we say on our voice mail.
Last month I needed a graphic artist to do some work for one
of my extremely conservative clients. I phoned Mark, an artist
whose work I had seen and liked a lot. His answering machine
blasted ear-splitting rock music through the receiver. Then his
voice boomed over the electric guitar, “Hey there, dude, don’t be
crude. Jes’ croon me an earful of sweeeeeeet sounds right at that
lone tone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Beep. I banged the receiver quickly
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing Voicemail Message
back into the cradle to shut out horrible fantasies of how my client
would react if he had to call Mark. His thirty-second talent show
might have been an appropriate sample of a rock musician’s talent. But a businessperson should opt for a more sedate outgoing
message. The message you leave on your answering machine
reflects your work. Keep yours friendly, neutral, and up-to-date.
And here’s the secret: to give the impression you are really on
top of your business, change your message every day. Studies show
that callers perceive people to be brighter and more efficient when
they hear an updated message each time they call. If appropriate,
let callers know where you are and when you intend to be back.
If you have customers who need to be attended to, this is crucial.
Try something like this on your office phone: “This is (name).
It’s Thursday, May 7, and I’ll be in a sales meeting until late this
afternoon. Please leave your message and I’ll get back to you as
soon as I return.” That way, if you don’t call a client back until
4 p.m. he isn’t steaming.
Also, keep it short. Some people change their message every
day, but it’s too long. I had a colleague, a public speaker named
Dan, who in his finest mellifluous voice imposed his thought for
the day on all unsuspecting callers.
Last year I was working on a project with Dan and had to call
him three times in the same day to leave a progress report. Each
time his machine answered: “Hello, this is Dan, and here’s my
daily motivator.” He cleared his throat for his big recorded performance and then continued. “Did someone say something today
that offended you? So what! That’s their problem.” He paused dramatically. “Did someone look at you the wrong way? So what!
That’s their problem.” Again, a pause for the magnitude of that
sentiment to sink in. “Replace your petty thoughts of anger, exasperation, and spite with thoughts of strength. Calm down. Rise
above those little insignificant irritations in life. Focus your
thoughts in the direction of fulfillment and accomplishment. Once
How to Talk to Anyone
again, this is Dan.” I’m surprised he didn’t also leave his agent’s
phone number here. “Leave your message at the tone. And have a
great peaceful day.” Beep.
The first time I listened to Dan’s “inspirational” message, the
length mildly irritated me. The second time, I found myself hyperventilating while waiting for him to get through his unbearably
long message. By the third call, his schmaltzy message seemed
interminable. I was filled with those “petty thoughts of anger, exasperation, and spite” he warned against because of his darn message. I found it impossible to “rise above it” and “focus my
thoughts in the direction of fulfillment and accomplishment.” I
wanted to punch him in the nose. Outgoing messages are not the
venues to give inspirational messages or to impress the world with
one’s accomplishments.
Another friend of mine, a writer, earned herself a few little cat
stripes with this one on her machine:
“Hello, this is Cheryl Smith. Cheryl is on her national book
tour,” (she paused so all callers could be appropriately impressed)
“making appearances in twelve cities.” (Another pause as though
awaiting applause.) “She’ll be returning on October 7.” (What’s
this “she” bit? Cheryl herself is speaking.) “Please leave your message for her at the tone.” Beep.
Yes, Cheryl, we know you’re an important author. But your
third-party reference to self, your narcissistic tone of voice, and
topping it off with twelve cities would make any big cat snicker
through his whiskers.
One last codicil: Avoid one particular message many businesspeople use these days—“I’m either away from my desk or on
the other line.” The subtext of this message is “I’m a slave chained
to my desk and it is an amazing fact that I have escaped for the
moment.” One night I was working into the wee hours. At 4 a.m.
I decided to leave a message on a colleague’s business phone so
she’d get it as soon as she came in at nine. “Hello,” the message
How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing Voicemail Message
chirped. “This is Felicia. I’m either away from my desk or on the
other line right now, but leave your message at the tone.” Beep.
Felicia, of course you’re away from your desk—it’s 4 a.m. on Sunday morning! “On the other line?” At this hour? I hope not!
You never know how your message is going to affect someone. Just keep yours neutral, friendly, constantly changing, short,
and understated. No boasts, no bells, no whistles.
Technique #66
Constantly Changing Outgoing Message
If you want to be perceived as conscientious and
reliable, leave a short, professional, and friendly
greeting as your outgoing message. No music. No jokes.
No inspirational messages. No boasts, bells, or whistles.
And here’s the secret: change it every day. Your message
doesn’t have to be flawless. A little cough or stammer
gives a lovely unpretentious reality to your message.
67 How to Get Them to
Call You Back
Producers of big Broadway musicals can be brutal during auditions. An anxious wanna-be star, after rehearsing his audition song
for weeks, steps onstage. He opens his mouth to sing. After a few
notes, the heartless producer shouts, “Thank you. NEEEXXXT!”
Dreams of stardom dashed in ten seconds!
Businesspeople’s professional dreams can also be dashed in the
first ten seconds of their “audition.” Their audition is the message
they leave on someone else’s answering machine.
Competent businesspeople wouldn’t dream of sending a messy
handwritten business letter to a VIP on cheap yellow-stained paper
and expect a response. They know the recipient would toss it in
the trash. Nevertheless, some of these same folks will leave a lackluster message on a VIP’s voice mail and expect a callback. No one
ever told them that big winners scrutinize messages on their voice
mail with the same consideration of a big Broadway producer. If
you sound good, you’ve got a chance. If you don’t, you are fastforwarded out of their life.
Salespeople, suitors, candidates, and competitors who leave
crisp, intelligent, upbeat messages on voice mail get called back.
Losers with lackluster tones and uncrafted messages never hear
from Mr. or Ms. Make It Happen. Make sure your message
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Get Them to Call You Back
reflects three Cs: Confidence, Clarity, and Credibility. In addition,
make it entice, entertain, or interest the listener. A flat “This is Joe,
call me back” doesn’t score with big winners.
Stay Tuned For . . .
Radio DJs use tricks to keep their listeners tuned in. Top salespeople have similar little tricks to entice prospects to call them
back. Here’s one called a cliff-hanger. To make sure listeners won’t
switch stations during the radio commercial, the broadcaster
throws out a mini-mystery: “And right after the commercial we’ll
be back with the winning ticket . . . It could be yours . . . Stay
tuned!” Whenever you leave a voice mail message for anyone, try
to include a cliff-hanger: “Hi, Harry, this is Andrew. I have the
answer to that question you asked me last week.” Or “Hi Diane,
this is Betsy. I have some big news about that project we were discussing.” Now Harry and Diane have a reason to call Andrew and
Betsy back.
Pitch personality into your message, too. Picture the people
listening to it. Say something to pique their curiosity or make them
smile. The message you leave is your ten-second audition. Make
it good.
Technique #67
Your Ten-Second Audition
While dialing, clear your throat. If an answering
machine picks up, pretend the beep is a big Broadway
producer saying “Nexxxt.” Now you’re on. This is Your
Ten-Second Audition to prove you are worthy of a
quick callback.
How to Talk to Anyone
Incidentally, if someone’s voice mail unexpectedly comes on
and you are unprepared, quickly hang up (before the beep so they
don’t get a hang-up message.) Take a moment to craft your entertaining, enticing, or interesting message. Rehearse it once with
confidence, clarity, and charisma. Then redial to leave your great
hot message.
A funny thing happens. If your party answers this time, you’ll
be disappointed.
68 How to Make the
Gatekeeper Think
You’re Buddy-Buddy
with the VIP
The inspiration for this next telephone technique comes from personal experiences with mid-Manhattan toilets (a less-than-refined
origin, to be sure). New York City, in spite of all its reputed sophistication, lags some of the shabbiest European cities in one respect.
Manhattan has few public toilets. And none of those Europeanstyle, charming, and at times very much appreciated, freestanding
structures on street corners.
In the days when I made sales calls around the busy city of
New York, this presented a problem. Several times a day. I often
found myself at the mercy of coffee-shop cashiers who jealously
guarded their restroom facilities. Some shops even put menacingly
scribbled signs in the window, “Bathrooms are for customers only.”
I often found that if I played it straight—going up to the
cashier and asking if I could use the amenities—I’d get shot down.
So I used the following technique. Without casting a glance at the
cashier, I’d strut confidently into the coffee shop. I’d march right
past the bathroom bouncer and keep my gaze fixed on one of the
booths. She’d assume I was coming for lunch or had simply
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
returned to collect my forgotten gloves. Once past the gatekeeper
of the loo, I’d wait for her to be busy ringing up the next check.
Then, like greased lightning, I’d sprint into the john.
I dubbed this deception “The Ho-Hum Caper” after my
feigned attitude of “Ho hum, business as usual. I come here every
day with nothing on my mind but lunch.”
Let us now translate that sneaky subterfuge into a seldomfail phone technique. You can use the maneuver to sneak around
secretaries and dodge their heartless screening. Instead of playing it straight and asking for your party by name, just say “Is he
in?” or “Is she in?” Using the pronoun is verbally sprinting past
the secretary with a business as usual, “Ho hum, I call every day”
Technique #68
The Ho-Hum Caper
Instead of using your party’s name, casually let the
pronoun he or she roll off your tongue. Forget “Uh,
may I speak to Ms. Bigshot please?” Just announce,
“Hi, Bob Smith here, is she in?” Tossing the familiar
she off your tongue signals to the secretary that you and
her boss are old buddies.
69 How to Make Them
Say You Have Super
Whenever you’re on the phone with someone, you hear a lot more
than their voices. In the background you might hear dogs barking, babies crying, or a crackling sound. For all you know, the dog
has his tail caught in the refrigerator, the baby has to be fed, or
the house is on fire. When you acknowledge the sound by asking if they have to take care of it, you warm the hearts of your
When you are talking to someone at work, you often hear
another phone ringing. Say immediately, “I hear your other line.
Do you have to answer it?” Even if not, he or she will appreciate
the gesture. If he does have to catch the other call, you can be sure
he heard nothing you said after the first ring. He’s only thinking
“How can I interrupt this babbling person without being rude so
I can answer my other phone?” In fact with every brr-ing, irritation sets in that you are holding him hostage from doing what he
has to do.
Here is the technique guaranteed to save you from being in
that uncomfortable position.
The subtext, of course, is that you are sensitive to what’s going
on in your caller’s world. If you’re talking to someone far away or
in another country, another way to show you’re tops in the com257
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
munications department is to translate time references into their
time zone. When you leave a message, say “I can be reached
between three and five your time.”
Technique #69
“I Hear Your Other Line”
When you hear a phone in the background, stop
speaking—in midsentence, if necessary—and say “I
hear your other line,” (or your dog barking, your baby
crying, your spouse calling you). Ask whether she has
to attend to it. Whether she does or not, she’ll know
you’re a top communicator for asking.
And don’t forget foreign holidays. Last July 1, I was on the
phone with a client from Australia. I was impressed when he
wished me “Happy Independence Day weekend.” So impressed,
in fact, I ran out to find a chart of international holidays. I made
a note in my calendar next January 26 to wish my Aussie friend
“Happy Australia Day.”
If you do business with people around the world, be sure to
extend good wishes to them for their holidays. Forget about your
own if they’re not shared. I’m still mortified about the time last
November when I was on a conference call with a Canadian
client and seven of his salespeople. I wished them all “Happy
70 How to “Listen
Between the Lines”
on the Phone
The first time I saw The Wizard of Oz, the story bewitched me.
The second time I saw The Wizard of Oz, the special effects
amazed me. The third time I saw The Wizard of Oz, the photography dazzled me. Have you ever seen a movie twice, three times?
You notice subtleties and hear sounds you completely missed the
first time around.
It’s the same on the phone. Hearing it is much better the second time around. Because your business conversations are more
consequential than movies, you should listen to them two, maybe
three times. Often we have no clear idea of what really happened
in our phone conversation until we hear it again. You’ll find shadings more significant than the color of Toto’s collar—and more
scarecrows than you imagined who “haven’t got a brain!”
How do you listen to your important business conversations
again? Simply legally and ethically tape-record them. I call the
technique of recording and analyzing your business conversations
for subtleties “Instant Replay.”
Having a tape recorder on her phone could have made a dramatic difference in the career of my friend Laura. Laura, a nutritionist, had developed an excellent health drink. It deserved to be
marketed nationally.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
I was in Laura’s office one day discussing her plans and I said,
“Laura, I’ve got just the contact for you. Several months earlier, I
had met Fred, a man who owned a chain of supermarkets. Fred
owed me a favor because, at his request, I’d given a pro bono talk
for a social club he belonged to. Fred was a big banana in the
supermarket world, and with one “yes” he could put my friend’s
health drink in his stores. That would launch Laura nationally.
I placed the call and, lo and behold, he was in. And, an even
bigger lo and behold, Fred sounded interested in Laura’s beverage.
“Put her on,” Fred said.
I proudly handed Laura the phone and their conversation
started out fine. “Oh sure, I’ll send you a sample,” Laura said.
“What’s the address?” Then I heard Laura say, “Uh, wait a minute,
let me get something to write with.” (I rapidly rolled a pen and
pushed a pad in front of her nose.) “Uh, what’s that again? Did
you say 4201 or 4102? [I moan inaudibly.] And how do you spell
the name of the street? [My moan becomes audible.] Whoops, this
pen just ran out of ink. Leil, do you see another pen on my desk?
[I did, and this time I felt like throwing it at her.] Sorry, what’s
that again?”
Yikes, now I wanted to grab the phone out of Laura’s hands.
She shouldn’t be bothering a busy big banana for details like
repeating addresses. She could have called his secretary back later
for clarification. But even that would have been unnecessary if she
were recording the conversation with the Instant Replay technique.
She could have merely mentioned that she was flipping on the
recorder (most heavy hitters are comfortable with that concept)
and she would have had it on tape.
Fred was nice to Laura that day. But my friend never heard
back from him. And to this day, she wonders why. She’ll never
know the confused phone exchange nixed the deal.
Was Fred being unfair just because Laura was a little slow on
the phone? Absolutely not. Fred figures, “If this woman is as insen-
How to “Listen Between the Lines” on the Phone
sitive about my time at the beginning of a possible business relationship, what’s she going to be like down the pike?” Wise choice,
Fred. I still like Laura. She’s still my friend. But will I introduce
her to any other big winners who might help her? I can’t take the
How to Set Up Your Instant Replay
Instant Replay is simple and cheap. Go to your local electronics
store and ask for a recorder for your telephone. Slap it on your
phone receiver, and plug the other end into a cassette recorder.
Then turn the recorder on during your next important conversation. The device could earn you hundreds of dollars on your first
call. In some states the law requires you inform the other party
you are recording them. Make sure to check with the authorities
about the legality in the state where you live. If it’s one-party consent, don’t worry. You’re the one party. Obviously you must never
ever use the tape for any other purpose than for your own second
listening. Not only would that be unlawful, but it would be unconscionable. For extra security, don’t leave people’s taped conversations lying around. Keep the same tape in your cassette machine
and use it over and over to record important details.
With Instant Replay, you can catch balls your conversation
partner throws out on the first bounce. You’re on the phone with
your boss. He rambles off four or five names in a law firm you’re
supposed to write to, then the address, then the nine-digit zip
code. Realizing he’s pitched you some pretty fast balls, he asks,
“Shall I repeat that for you?” “No thanks, I got it,” you proudly
say, silently tapping your little tape recorder. Boss is impressed.
Yet another benefit of Instant Replay—it helps hide your
ignorance. Recently I was on the phone with a cameraman negotiating a price on a videotape to use as a speaker’s demo. Luckily
I was recording the conversation because his flurry of Hi-8, VHS,
How to Talk to Anyone
Super VHS, Beta SP, and three-quarter-inch U-matic had me
wanting to crawl into a rodent hole in the wall. But I listened to
the tape of our conversation afterward. I wrote down all the words
I didn’t understand and then asked a video friend what they
meant. Now I was able to call the cameraman back and say, “I’d
like a two-camera shoot on Beta SP. And can you give me a VHS
dub so I can do some off-line editing?” Don’t you think I got a
much better price than if I’d asked, “Duh, what’s a Beta SP?”
Technique #70
Instant Replay
Record all your business conversations and listen to
them again. The second or third time, you pick up on
significant subtleties you missed the first time. It’s like
football fans who often don’t know if there was a
fumble until they see it all over again in Instant Replay.
Forget What They Said, Hear What
They Meant
Instant Replay also makes you sensitive to levels of communication far deeper than just your callers’ words. You tune in to their
real enthusiasm or hesitation about an idea.
When we want something, our minds play funny tricks on us.
If we desperately crave “yes” from someone, we hear “yes.” But
“yes” isn’t always what it seems. A client’s forceful “YES” and her
hesitant “yeee-sss” are different as heaven and hell. Last month I
asked a woman who’d booked me for a speech if her office could
reproduce my ten-page handout. She gave me the answer I wanted,
which was “yes.” Later, however, I relistened to our conversation
How to “Listen Between the Lines” on the Phone
on tape. Her answer about the handouts had been a very hesitant,
“Hmm, well, yes.” I immediately called her back and said, “By the
way, don’t worry about those handouts.”
“Oh, I’m so glad!” she purred. “Because we really don’t have
the budget for things like that.” I gained much more in my client’s
goodwill than the value of reproducing a few sheets of paper.
Let us now return to your live, in-person show. We’re going
to talk not only about how to be a hit at a party, but how to
smoothly hit on all the folks you want—just like a politician.
This page intentionally left blank.
How to Work a Party
Like a Politician
Works a Room
The Politician’s Six-Point
Party Checklist
When invited to a party, most of us waft into a fluffy thought process. Our random reverie goes something like this: “Hmm, this
could be fun. . . . Wonder if they’re going to serve food. . . . Hope
it’s good. . . . Might be some interesting people there. . . . Wonder if my friend so ’n’ so is coming. . . . Golly, what should I wear?”
That’s not the way a politician thinks about a party, however.
While politicians, heavy-duty networkers, serious socializers, and
big winners in the business world are staring at the invitation, they
instinctively surf to a different channel. Before they RSVP with
“yes” or “no,” their brains craft journalistic campaign questions.
It’s the Six-Point Party Checklist. Who? When? What? Why?
Where? And How?
Let’s take them one by one.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Who Is Going to Be at
the Party?
More specifically, who will be there that I should meet? Serious
networkers calculate “Who must I meet for business? Who should
I meet for political or social reasons?” And, if single and searching, “Who do I want to meet for possible love?”
If they don’t know who is going to be in attendance, they ask.
Politicians unabashedly telephone the host or hostess of the party
and ask, “Who’s coming?” As the party giver chats casually about
the guest list, politicians scribble the names of the people who
interest them, then resolve to meet each.
When Should I Arrive?
Politicians do not leave arrival time to whenever they finish getting dressed. They don’t ask themselves, “Hmm, should I be fashionably late?” They carefully calculate their estimated time of
arrival and estimated time of departure.
If the party is bulging with contacts, biggies get there early to
start hitting their marks as each arrives. VIPs frequently come early
to get their business done before party regulars who “hate to be
the first one there” start arriving. They are never embarrassed to
arrive early. After all, the only people who see them are other early
arrivals who are often heavy hitters like themselves.
Nor will you find politicians prowling around, the last to slink
out the door. Once they’ve accomplished what they set out to do,
they’re on their way to the next opportunity. If their agenda is
more social, they try to leave their departure time open and their
aprés-party schedule free. That way, if they make an important
new contact, they can stay around and talk with him. Or drive her
home. Or go somewhere else for coffee.
How to Work a Party Like a Politician Works a Room
What Should I Take with Me?
A politician’s checklist is not the usual, “Let’s see, my comb,
cologne, and breath mints.” They pack more functional networking tools in their pockets or purses.
If corporate cats will be prowling the party, they pack a pocketful of business cards. If it’s a gala where people are gadding about
on the social ladder and they want to exude old-world elegance,
they grab a handful of social cards containing only their name and
possibly an address and phone number. (Some feel giving out a
business card in a purely social setting can be gauche.) The most
vital tool in their party pack is a small pad and pen to keep track
of important contacts.
Why Is the Party Being Given?
The politician’s perpetual philosophy of “penetrate the ostensible”
enters here. (That’s just a fancy way of saying “look under the
rug.”) They ask themselves, “What is the ostensible reason for the
party?” A big industrialist is giving his daughter a graduation
party? A newly divorced executive is throwing himself a birthday
bash? A floundering business is celebrating its tenth year?
“Nice,” politicians say to themselves, “that’s the ostensible. But
what’s the real reason for the party?” Maybe the industrialist wants
to get his daughter a good job so he’s invited dozens of potential
employers. The birthday boy is single again so the guest list is
heavy with attractive and accomplished females. The business desperately needs good PR if it’s going to stay around another ten
years. So they’ve invited the press and community makers and
Politicians have expert under-rug vision to spot the host’s real
agenda. They will, of course, never discuss it at the party. How-
How to Talk to Anyone
ever, the insight elevates them to a shared state of higher consciousness with other heavy hitters at the bash.
Their knowledge also makes them valuable agents for the
party giver. A savvy politician introduces the job-seeking daughter to some executives at the party or tells the most alluring women
at the bash what a great guy birthday boy is. When chatting with
reporters, he talks up the host’s business that needs good PR.
When people support the real why of the party, they become
popular and sought-after guests for future events.
Where Is the Collective Mind?
Often people from one profession or one interest group will comprise most of the guest list. A politician never accepts any invitation without asking herself, “What kind of people will be at this
party, and what will they be thinking about?” Perhaps there will
be a drove of doctors. So she clicks on the latest medical headlines
and rehearses a little doc-talk. If the guests are a nest of new-age
voters, the politician gets up to speed on telepathic healing, Tantric
toning, and trance dancing. Politicians can’t afford to not be in the
How Am I Going to Follow Up on
the Party?
Now, the big finale. I call it “Contact Cement.” It’s cementing the
contacts the politician has made. After meeting a good contact
and exchanging cards, practically everyone says, “It’s been great
talking to you. We’ll stay in touch.”
This good intention seldom happens without herculean effort.
Politicians, however, make a science out of keeping up the contact. After the party, they sit at their desks and, like a game of solitaire, lay out the business cards of the people they’ve met. Using
How to Work a Party Like a Politician Works a Room
“The Business Card Dossier” technique described later in this section, they decide how, when, and if to deal with each. Does this
person require a phone call? Should that one receive a handwritten note? Shall I E-mail or call the other one?
Use the Six-Point Party Checklist—the Who? When? Why?
Where? What? and How? of a party—as your general game plan.
Now let’s get down to specifics.
71 How to Avoid the Most
Common Party Blooper
The average party goer, let’s say Charlie, arrives at the bash. He
makes a beeline for the refreshment table for munchies and a beverage. He then finds a few buddies and starts chatting away with
Chewing the nibbles on his plate and the fat with his friends,
he occasionally looks around the room to see who might be new
and fun to talk to. He’s hoping several attractive and interesting
people at the party will spot him and come over to talk.
What’s wrong with Charlie’s approach? Everything, if Charlie wants to make the party productive. Let’s start with the average party goer’s first mistake—getting some refreshments and a
drink right off the bat.
People mingling at a party make judgments, often subconscious, about whom they are going to approach. Have you ever
lived on a farm? Or had a dog or a cat? Then you know you never
disturb animals when they are eating. Likewise, when a human
animal is eating, other human animals do not feel comfortable
advancing. If party goers’ eyes scan the crowd and see you with
the feed bag on, they pass right over you. Subconsciously they’re
saying to themselves, “Let the hungry hound chow down and
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Avoid the Most Common Party Blooper
maybe we’ll talk later.” Later never comes because they wind up
making friends with someone else whose mouth wasn’t full.
Politicians always eat before they come to the party. They
know they’d need a circus juggler’s talent to shake hands, exchange
business cards, hold a drink, and stuff crackers and cheese into
their mouths—all with just two hands.
Technique #71
Munching or Mingling
Politicians want to be eyeball to eyeball and belly to
belly with their constituents. Like any big winner well
versed in the science of proxemics and spatial
relationships, they know any object except their belt
buckle has the effect of a brick wall between two
people. Therefore they never hold food or drink at a
Come to munch or come to mingle. But do not
expect to do both. Like a good politician, chow down
before you come.
72 How to Make an
Unforgettable Entrance
Loretta Young makes television history when she appears at the
head of her immense staircase and surveys the set. Then she
swoops down to start the show.
The Pope steps out onto his balcony overlooking St. Peter’s
Square in Rome and surveys the crowd. Then he begins the
Bette Davis stops in the doorway and looks around. Then she
mutters, “What a dump!”
And every late-night TV comic since “Heeeere’s Johnny!”
steps center stage and scrutinizes the applauding audience. Then
he reveals the reason for the smirk on his face.
What do all these great entrances have in common? Each
pauses momentarily and looks around before swooping into decisive action.
Movie directors love shots of THE DOORWAY where the
camera pans, the music swells, and all eyes gravitate to the honcho or honchoette standing under the frame. Does the star skulk
into the room like a frightened little kitten in a new owner’s home?
Or, like many of us do at a party, frantically gravitate to the first
familiar face so people won’t think he or she’s unconnected? No,
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make an Unforgettable Entrance
the star stops. Then, framed by the doorway, his or her notable
presence is felt by all.
People who have mastered this trick have what envious theatrical wanna-bes call “stage presence.” Stage groupies think some
lucky stars are born with it. Think again, thespians. It’s cultivated.
Politicians don’t just slink unnoticed into a roomful of people.
Politicians make The Entrance.
With one simple technique, you too can make great entrances.
I call it “Rubberneck the Room.” Before entering, stop dramatically
in the doorway and survey the scene s-l-o-w-l-y with your eyes. It
is significant that, while you’re standing in the doorway, you’re not
thinking, “Look at me.” The reason you’re Rubbernecking the
Room is not to show off. It is so you can diagnose the situation
you’re walking into. Take note of the lighting, the bar, and most
important, the faces. Listen to the music, the buzz of the crowd, the
clinking of glasses. See who is talking to whom. While rubbernecking, you’ll also be using “Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee,”
the next technique, which helps you select your first, second, and
maybe third target. Now, like the big cat who rules the jungle, leap
in to make your first move toward wiping up the room.
Technique #72
Rubberneck the Room
When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in
the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let
your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team
ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves.
In tandem with Rubberneck the Room, try using the following technique.
73 How to Meet the
People YOU Want
to Meet
Politicians don’t wait for others to approach them. If the party host
or their campaign manager has not supplied a “must meet” list,
they choose their targets while Rubbernecking the Room. As their
keen eyes scan the crowd, they’re asking themselves “Who would
I most enjoy talking to? Who looks like they could be most beneficial to my life? Who could I learn most from in this gang?”
How do they choose? They look at everyone the same way my
friend, Bob, the caricature artist, looks at people. You can tell a
whole lot more than you realize if you keep your gaze fixed on
someone. Every twinkle in someone’s eye and every line surrounding it tells a story—the story of the life he or she leads. Who
was it who said, “At age thirty, everyone has the face he deserves”?
Yet few of us consciously look into strangers’ eyes. How foolish
that, at a party or convention for making contacts, most people
are embarrassed to make eye contact with people we don’t know.
In my networking seminar, I prime participants to make
intense visual contact by asking them to form a big circle, walk
around the room, and silently stare at each other. “Gaze into each
other’s eyes,” I tell them. “Examine each other’s movements.”
As they are walking, I say, “The most important business contact, the dearest friend, or the love of your life is probably not in
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Meet the People YOU Want to Meet
this room. Nevertheless, sometime soon, you will be in a room
where you will spot someone you sense could change your life. I
want you to be prepared. I want you to have the courage to make
the approach and not wait in vain for that special someone to
approach you.” While strolling and staring, I ask them to silently
choose the four people they most want to talk to during the break.
“Only the Beautiful People Will
Be Chosen”
When given this unfamiliar and uncomfortable assignment, the
participants assume everyone will make a beeline for the most
attractive people. It never happens. Something mystical occurs
when people take the time to really look at each other. Everyone
discovers a distinctive beauty in one or two other people that is
very personal, very special, and speaks uniquely to the seeker.
The dearest friend in my life was a homely little fellow named
Chip. He was only 5 feet 2 inches tall. Chip had a huge nose and
funny little eyes peeping out through thick glasses. At a party,
without using this technique, I probably would never have noticed
Chip. However, my concentration was on him the day we met
because he was giving a speech. When I gazed intently into his
eyes and watched his lips moving, I saw such subjective beauty
coming from his face. He became my best friend for twelve years
until a tragic disease took his life. Nevertheless, Chip remained
beautiful to me until the end because, no matter how twisted his
body became with illness, the beauty shone through his spirit.
As the seminar participants explore each other’s faces and
movements, they discover the subjective beauty in their faces, in
their spirits. No one can explain why one person chooses another
as one of his or her special four. Yet practically everyone returns
from the break having made a new good friend. Never is anyone
left unchosen.
How to Talk to Anyone
When you seek people’s special qualities by exploring their
faces, you will find them. If you want to walk out of any gathering with your life enhanced, spend time with people you choose,
not just those who choose you. Be choosey in who you pick. But
don’t wait to be the choosee.
Technique #73
Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee
The lifelong friend, the love of your life, or the business
contact who will transform your future may not be at
the party. However, someday, somewhere, he or she will
be. Make every party a rehearsal for the big event.
Do not stand around waiting for the moment when
that special person approaches you. You make it happen
by exploring every face in the room. No more “ships
passing in the night.” Capture whatever or whomever
you want in your life.
“Sure, in a Seminar, It’s Easy, but
What About Real Life?”
Sometimes, after the break, a participant will say, “It was simple
to go up to people I wanted to talk to this time because you gave
it as an assignment. But what about at a real party?” Recently, one
of my participants named Todd asked me this question in front of
the group.
I asked, “Todd, how did you make the approach this time?”
“Well, I just went up and said, ‘Hi, I’m Todd. I wanted to talk
to you.’ ”
“Well?” I asked.
How to Meet the People YOU Want to Meet
It dawned on him that he could use this opening phrase to
meet anyone at any party. To smooth a potentially awkward
moment, you quickly follow up with an innocuous question like
“How do you know the hostess?” or “Do you live in the area?”
Now, you’re off and running just as though the host had introduced you.
Of course, other choosey people will be prowling around the
party. Some of them, after scrutinizing you, will decide you are
one of the special people they choose to talk to. The following is
a subliminal maneuver to make it easy for them come over to confirm they made a wise choice.
74 How to Subliminally
Lure People to You at
a Gathering
Have you ever noticed how comfortable you feel sauntering into
certain rooms? The chairs are arranged in a way that welcomes
you as if saying, “Come right on in and sit on me.” Conversely,
you enter other rooms where you must navigate a circuitous route
around tables and dressers before you finally find a free chair.
Likewise, some people arrange their body furniture, their arms
and legs, to say, “Hey, come right on over and talk to me.” Yet
other people’s body furniture shouts, “Keep out! Approach at your
own risk.” Shy people inadvertently say “stay away” when they fold
their arms. They give off insecure signals by clutching a purse,
clasping a drink, or smoking a cigarette.
Controlled studies show that party goers are more comfortable approaching people who stand with an open body, arms
uncrossed and hanging at their sides, legs slightly separated, a slight
smile on their faces. Any object between you and the crowd is a
subliminal cutoff—even your purse. More people approach a
woman who sports a shoulder bag than one squeezing a handbag.
The shoulder bag hangs behind her back, thus leaving the path to
talk to her open.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Subliminally Lure People to You at a Gathering
Give Them the Ol’ Wrist Flash
Now, here’s the pièce de résistance. Next to your face, your wrists
and palms are one of the most expressive parts of your body. Palms
up speak volumes of good sentiments.
The Pope’s wrists and palms are up when he beckons “Come
unto me my brethren.” The burglar’s wrists and palms are up
when he says, “I give up, don’t shoot.” The innocent man’s wrists
and palms are up when he’s saying, “I don’t know who took
the money.” Vulnerable, open palms signify “I have nothing to
They also signify acceptance. When you are listening to a
business colleague to whom you want to signal acceptance, make
sure your wrists and palms are up. Even if you’re resting your head
on your chin, turn your wrists forward. Whenever you are chatting with anyone, give yourself a constant hand check. Make sure
you don’t point your knuckles directly toward anyone. Let them
have the pleasure of seeing the soft, tender “come hither” skin of
your wrists and palms, not the wrinkled “go away” hide on your
Romance on your mind? Ladies, let your hands do some talking for you. Women instinctively turn their wrists and palms
upward when a man excites them. (In fact, the ol’ wrist flash while
talking with males subconsciously gives them a sexy jolt.)
Pave a Clear Path for People Who
Find You Special
Frightened little jungle cats crouch behind rocks and logs so no
bigger animals will spot them. In the social jungle, shy people do
the same. They instinctively seek out corners and sit in seats where
they won’t be seen.
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #74
Come-Hither Hands
Be a human magnet, not a human repellent. When
standing at a gathering, arrange your body in an open
position—especially your arms and hands. People
instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists
seductively arranged in the “come hither” position.
They shy away from knuckles in the “get lost or I’ll
punch you” position. Use your wrists and palms to say
“I have nothing to hide,” “I accept you and what you’re
saying,” or “I find you sexy.”
Whereas lynxes and lions stroll confidently to the center of
the jungle clearing, human big cats in the social jungle also stand
confidently in a clearing so others can see them. Like a politician,
position yourself near a doorway since everyone must pass your
way at some point in the evening.
Now we come to a technique all politicians use. In fact, some
political pundits have credited the election of both John Kennedy
and Bill Clinton to their mastery of the technique I call “Tracking.”
75 How to Make ’Em Feel
Like a Movie Star
In the 1940s, movies were different. Before experimental films, cinema verité, and nouvelle vague, they had stories. Americans
hopped in their Buicks—a foxtail tied to the radio antenna and
baby boots suspended from the rearview mirror—drove to the
movie house, and watched a story unfold before them.
Almost invariably, the hero and heroine on the silver screen
would meet, fall in love, overcome seemingly impossible obstacles,
get married, and (presumably) live happily after. Oh, the stories
varied slightly. But there was always a leading man and maybe a
leading woman. Then there was the rest of the world. The supporting characters could live or die without much brouhaha. But
every minor event in the star’s life was significant.
Well, movies may have changed. Human nature hasn’t. Everyone feels like the star of a 1940s movie. Every trivial event in their
lives is momentous. “There’s ME. Then there’s the rest of the
What someone had for breakfast, what shoes he chose to wear,
and whether he took time to floss his teeth can be more important to that particular someone than the fall of faraway nations or
the rise of global temperatures.
Husbands and wives sometimes share their spouse’s minutiae:
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
“What did you have for breakfast, Honey?”
“You didn’t wear those shoes, did you?”
“Did you remember to floss?”
To create an interesting intimacy, big winners make a point to
remember minute details of important contacts’ lives. They obviously don’t feign interest in what they had for breakfast or whether
they flossed or forgot. But to make someone feel like a big star,
they remember details their contact does happen to share.
Take their lead. If a prospect mentions he had Rice Krispies
for breakfast, allude to it later. If, in chatting, your boss tells you
she wore uncomfortable shoes to work one day, find a way to refer
to it on another. If your client mentions he’s a resolute flosser, compliment him at a later date on his discipline. It hints he or she is a
memorable star in the galaxy of people you’ve met. It’s called
“Tracking” their lives. When you track their minutiae, you make
them feel like 1940s movie stars and that minor events in their lives
are major concerns in yours.
Don’t Leave It to Chance
Politicians make a science out of Tracking. They keep a little black
box either on their desk, in their computer, or in their brain of the
last concern, enthusiasm, or event discussed with everyone in their
life. They keep track of where the people were, what they said,
and what they were doing since the last conversation. Then the
first words of the next phone call or meeting with that person
relates to that information:
“Hello, Joe. How was your trip to Jamaica?”
“Hey Sam, did your kid make the baseball team?”
“Hi, Sally. Have you heard back from your client yet?”
“Nice to hear from you, Bob. It means you survived that
Szechuan restaurant you were going to last time we spoke.”
How to Make ’Em Feel Like a Movie Star
When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyone’s
life, it confirms what they’ve known all along. They’re the most
important person in the world.
One of the most powerful forms of tracking is remembering
anniversaries of people’s personal achievements. Did your boss get
promoted to her present position one year ago today? Did your
client go public? How much more memorable than a birthday card
to send a one-year congratulations note.
Remembering people’s private passions is another. Several
years ago, I wrote regularly for a magazine. My then-editor, Carrie, was obsessed with her new kitten named Cookie. Recently I
ran into Carrie at a writer’s conference. In early conversation I said
to her, “I guess Cookie’s a full-grown cat by now. How is she?”
Carrie’s astonished smile was my reward.
“Leil,” she squealed, “I can’t believe you remember Cookie.
Yes, she’s fine now and . . .” Carrie went on for another ten minutes about Cookie, the now full-grown cat.
Technique #75
Like an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of
your conversation partners’ lives. Refer to them in your
conversation like a major news story. It creates a powerful sense of intimacy.
When you invoke the last major or minor event in
anyone’s life, it confirms the deep conviction that he or
she is an old-style hero around whom the world
revolves. And people love you for recognizing their
How to Talk to Anyone
A week later I got a call from Carrie asking me if I’d do a big
story for her magazine. Did she think of me because I used the
Tracking technique and remembered Cookie? Nobody can say,
but I have my suspicions. I’ve seen the Tracking technique work
on too many people to assume the rewards are coincidental.
How do politicians remember so many facts to track about so
many people? They use the following technique.
76 How to Amaze Them
with What You
Remember About Them
Several years ago, I attended a political fund-raising event in a
Midwestern state. One guest intrigued me. Sometimes I’d see him
in animated conversation with several people. Other times, he’d
be standing alone scribbling something on a card in his hand.
Then the next time I’d look up, he’d be chatting it up with someone else. The next minute, he’d be scribbling in his hand again.
He repeated this pattern for over an hour. I became as curious as
a nosy neighbor. Who was this fellow?
At one point during the evening, I was standing alone by the
refreshment table. He came up to me with a big smile, a warm
handshake, and introduced himself. “Hi, I’m Joe Smith.” He asked
me what I was drinking. I told him white wine and we started discussing preferences. I happened to mention my favorite white was
Sancerre. While we talked, I had to bite my tongue to resist asking him what he’d been up to with the feverish note taking.
A few minutes later, I spotted a friend across the room and
excused myself. He asked for my card and, as I walked away, I
peeked over my shoulder. I knew it! There he was, scribbling on
my card. That was my opening. I turned back and, trying to pass
my inquiry off as a joke, said, “Hey, I didn’t give you my measurements. What’s that you’re writing?”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
He gave a hearty laugh at my tasteless joke and said, “You
caught me!” He turned over my card and I saw one word written
on it: Sancerre. Then, to assuage my paranoia, he emptied his
pocketful of people’s business cards to show me scribbles on the
back of each. I assumed it was just Joe’s little system to help him
remember people. It wasn’t until months later that I saw the
method to his madness.
One morning I went to my mailbox and found a personal
postcard from Joe. He told me he was running for state senator.
Then at the bottom of the card, he’d written, “Had any good
Sancerre lately?” That won my heart. Had I lived in his state, a little touch like that might have swayed my vote to him.
Technique #76
The Business Card Dossier
Right after you’ve talked to someone at a party, take
out your pen. On the back of his or her business card
write notes to remind you of the conversation: his
favorite restaurant, sport, movie, or drink; whom she
admires, where she grew up, a high school honor; or
maybe a joke he told.
In your next communication, toss off a reference to
the favorite restaurant, sport, movie, drink, hometown,
high school honor. Or reprieve the laugh over the great
They may not jump up and down asking, “How did you
remember that?” Nevertheless, they will remember you. No
matter how important the VIP, he or she senses a special kinship
How to Amaze Them with What You Remember About Them
with the person who refers to other than their usual well-known
Politicians are constantly selling themselves. (If you’ve ever
wondered why America is called “The Land of Promise,” just keep
your ears open in election year.) But, of course, to know what to
promise people, politicians use the next super sales technique called
“Eyeball Selling.”
77 How to Make the Sale
with Your Eyeballs
The percentage of sales that Jimmi, a good friend of mine, makes
is not to be believed. Even his sales manager doesn’t know how he
does it. But I do. Because he told me.
Jimmi says the fancy sales techniques he’s learned over the
years (Benefits Selling, Partnering, Selling to Personality Types,
Value-Added Concept, Rejection Proofing, Spin Selling) all pale
next to what he calls “Eyeball Selling.”
Eyeball Selling is not memorizing two dozen closing techniques. Nor is it verbally sparring with a customer to overcome
objections. Jimmi says it’s quite simply keeping his eyes open,
watching his customer’s reactions, and adjusting his sales pitch
according to how his customer’s body moves.
While Jimmi is giving his sales pitch, he’s concentrating more
on how his customer fidgets, twitches, and squirms than on what
he’s saying. He’s scrutinizing his customer’s involuntary head movements. He’s studying her hand gestures, her body rotation, her facial
expressions—even her eye fluctuations. Jimmi says when his customer is not saying a word, even if she’s trying to give you a poker
face, she cannot not communicate. She may not say in words how
receptive she is to your pitch, but she’s clearly telling you nonetheless. Jimmi says knowing what turns a prospect on, what turns her
off, and what leaves her neutral from moment to moment can make
or break the sale.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make the Sale with Your Eyeballs
How Jimmi Finds Out Where the
Buck Stops
The product Jimmi sells is expensive lighting equipment. Often
he must make sales presentations to groups of ten, twenty, or more
people. He says, “The first challenge in Eyeball Selling is discovering who the real decision maker is.”
Jimmi meets his challenge in an unorthodox (not necessarily
recommended) way. Right after “Good afternoon, gentlemen and
ladies,” he says something slightly confusing. Why? Because the
surprised group doesn’t know how to react. So their heads all twirl
like weather vanes on a windy day to look at—guess who?—the
honcho, the heavyweight, the head man or woman. Now Jimmi’s
got his decision maker so he can continue Eyeball Selling to that
What to Do When You Get Your Cue
Some signals are obvious,” Jimmi says. “People shrug their shoulders for indifference, tap their fingers for impatience, or loosen
their collar when they feel uncomfortable. But there are hundreds
of other unconscious gestures I keep my antennae tuned for.
“For example, I watch the exact angle of my prospect’s head
position. If it’s fully facing me, especially if it’s cocked at a cute
little angle, it means they’re interested. In that case, I keep right
on talking. But if their head is slightly turning away, that’s a bad
sign. I take it as a cue to change the subject and maybe talk about
a different benefit of my product.”
Jimmi not only tailors what he’s saying to his customers’ reactions, but he actively takes steps to change his prospect’s body position if he feels it’s not receptive. He says, “The body must be open
before the mind can follow.” For example, he continues, “If your
customer has his arms crossed in front of his chest, hand him something to look at so he has to unfold them to take it from you.” Jimmi
How to Talk to Anyone
always carries a briefcase full of props to break down the barriers.
He has photos of his wife and kids to hand married prospects, snapshots of his Skye terrier for customers that have a dog, an antique
watch to show antique lovers, and a pocket-size computer to show
gadget fanatics. Jimmi says, “As long as I can get them to open their
arms to reach for something, I have a shot at their minds.”
Jimmi also paces the timing of his pitch to match his customers’ covert reactions. When his client reaches for an object, he
takes it as a cue to talk slower or just be quiet. Reaching for a paper
clip or fondling a folder on the desk says, “I’m thinking about it.”
Of course, Jimmi is on constant lookout for sales-ready signals like picking up the contract, fondling the pen, or turning their
palms up. At that point, he cuts quickly to the close.
Another cue to bring out the contract-signing pen is when
your prospect’s head starts bobbing up and down like a plastic
duck. They’re silently screaming, “Yes, I’ll buy!” Unskilled salespeople just keep on talking until they finish the pitch they learned
in training. Many keep talking so long, they unsell themselves.
Conversely, when customers move their heads back and forth, no
matter what they are saying, they mean “No!”
Eyeballing Is Not for Selling Only
Without a word, your friends and loved ones also show their
wishes. When my friend Deborah became engaged to Tony, it
seemed obvious to everyone—except Deborah—that it was not a
marriage made in heaven. A few months before their wedding I
said, “Deb, are you really sure Tony’s the one for you?”
“Oh yes,” she said, her head moving right and left, back and
forth, “I love him very much.” That marriage never took place.
Her body recognized what her mind hadn’t yet realized.
Like a politician, think of your social conversations as sales
pitches. Even if you have no product, you want them to buy your
ideas. If your listener turns away while you’re talking, don’t con-
How to Make the Sale with Your Eyeballs
centrate on how rude the person is. Like a sales pro, ask yourself,
“How can I change the subject to turn this person on?” If their
whole body starts to turn away, use the time-honored personal
question ploy. Ask about their favorite topic. “George, how big did
you say that bass you caught last week was?” Or use his name and
ask a personal question. That’s always a grabber. “Archibald, what
did you say the name of your high school football team was?”
We’ve talked about only a few responses. Hints for reading
someone’s body language could fill a book. In fact, they have—
many of them. I suggest a few of my favorites in the references.21–26
Read up on body language and tune in to its visual channel whenever you’re trying to sell to people, get their vote, or convince them
you’re the best candidate for the job or the role of life partner.
Technique #77
Eyeball Selling
The human body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting
station that transmits “You thrill me.” “You bore me.”
“I love that aspect of your product.” “That one puts my
feet to sleep.”
Set the hidden cameras behind your eyeballs to pick
up on all your customers’ and friends’ signals. Then
plan your pitch and your pace accordingly.
Wouldn’t it be super to have Jimmi’s success rate with our listeners
accepting whatever we say? We can if we just keep our eyes open.
A Quick Review
That’s all there is to it. You’ll remember to eat before coming to
the party (the Munching or Mingling technique) to leave your
How to Talk to Anyone
hands free for heavy networking. When you arrive, you’ll stop in
the doorway and Rubberneck the Room to get the lay of the land.
While rubbernecking, you’ll Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee and
pick your prospects for the evening. When standing around, you
will be relaxing and inviting with Come-Hither Hands.
You haven’t forgotten, of course, to use the meeting-people
techniques from previous chapters. If you spot someone you want
to talk to, check them out for a Whatzit you can comment on.
Finding none, just ask the party giver, Whoozat? If the host or
hostess is not in sight, simply stand near your target and resort to
the Eavesdrop In technique.
While chatting with anyone you’ve previously met, you will,
of course, use Tracking to win their vote or heart and all the techniques in Part Two to ensure the conversation is interesting for
your new acquaintance. Finally, you’ll employ Eyeball Selling to
make sure you’re on target with every conversation. And don’t forget, as you say “so long,” to scribble material for your next contact
on your Business Card Dossier.
It’s a good feeling when you’ve done it all right. Continue
using these techniques politicians use to work a room, and you’ll
suffer no more unimportant parties. And, following the advice
throughout the book, you’ll never strike anyone as an unimportant person.
Now we move on to the advanced section of How to Talk to
Anyone. Some of the following techniques may make you scratch
your head in confusion. Pay special attention to the ones that do
because it means somewhere, sometime, you might find yourself
scratching your head over something much more painful—like the
bump from hitting a glass ceiling, or why the business deal, friendship, or love affair went sour. You might never know, unless you
read it here, that it was your own communications fumble.
How to Break the
Most Treacherous
Glass Ceiling of All
Sometimes People Are Tigers
Every week, when I was a kid, my mother took me to the National
Geographic Society to see a film. The one on tigers invades my
nightmares these many years later. Sitting there in the darkened
theater, I watched a mother give birth to three tiny cubs. One was
born with a mangled leg. I witnessed how all the other tiger cubs
excluded him. And right there in front of the cameras, he was tortured to death by the others. I remember crying and thinking how
the healthy cubs were like a few of the kids in my school. Sometimes they could be very cruel.
My best friend in grade school was Stella and she was a beautiful girl inside and out. But she had a speech defect, a cleft palate.
And many of our classmates laughed at her behind her back and
excluded her from their games.
Kids haven’t changed much. When I give talks for colleges and
young people’s groups, the discussion often turns to popularity.
Everyone wants to be liked. Occasionally students tell me stories
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
about how some girl has a minor physical defect, say, a crossed eye
or a nervous twitch. They say some kids laugh and make fun of
her. Or a boy has a limp so no one chooses him for their baseball
team. Even if he can run just as fast as the other kids, some of his
classmates don’t like the image of “a cripple” being on their side.
The years go by and kids become adults. Not too much
changes. Adults are not as cruel, happily, about physical disabilities. But they can be brutal about social disabilities. Social disabilities are insidious because often we don’t recognize them in
ourselves. We can be blind to our social handicaps and deaf to our
verbal deficiencies. But we’re quick to recognize them in others.
How many times has one of your associates made a dumb,
insensitive gaffe? How often have you written somebody off
because of some stupid move? Do you think he knew what he was
doing? Of course not. He had no idea he was crossing a line or
stepping on your toes. Probably no one ever told him about the
subtleties we’re going to discuss in this final section of How to Talk
to Anyone.
We’ve all heard about the glass ceiling some companies construct over women and minorities. People seldom discuss another
kind of glass ceiling. This one is even more treacherous because
you can’t legislate against it and only top communicators recognize it. Yet it’s a rock-hard shield. Many bright individuals hit their
heads on the thick glass as they try to climb up the next rung of
the ladder to join the big boys and big girls on top. The folks able
to crash through are the ones who abide by the unspoken rules
that follow.
Consider each of the following techniques. If you find any of
them obvious, give yourself a pat on the back. It means you’re
already a tiger on that one. Be on the lookout for those communications sensitivities where you find yourself saying, “You gotta
be kidding! What’s wrong with that?”
Watch out! It means someday, somewhere, you might commit
that particular insensitivity. Then, when a big winner responds
How to Break the Most Treacherous Glass Ceiling of All
coolly to your suggestion, doesn’t return your phone call, doesn’t
give you the promotion, doesn’t invite you to the party, doesn’t
accept your date, you’ll never know what happened. Read each of
the following techniques to ensure you’re not making any of these
subtle mistakes, that let the big players lacerate you and keep you
from getting what you want in life.
78 How to Win Their
Affection by
Overlooking Their
One remarkable reaction opened my eyes to yet another difference between big winners and little losers. Several years ago I was
doing a project for a client. I had the pleasure of being taken to
lunch by the four biggest fish in the firm. They wanted to familiarize me with communications problems their company was
We went to a busy midtown restaurant at peak lunchtime.
Every table was filled with a variety of corporate creatures. Upperand middle-management types were lunching in their suits and
ties or high-collar blouses. Workers and secretaries were munching in their blue shirts or short skirts. The restaurant was buzzing
with conversation and conviviality.
Over the entrée, we were in deep discussion about the company’s challenges. The CFO, Mr. Wilson, was talking about the
financial outlook when suddenly, BLAM! Not six feet away, a
waiter dropped a tray full of dishes. Glasses broke, silverware clattered against the marble floor, and a hot baked potato rolled under
our table in a direct path for Wilson’s feet.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Win Their Affection by Overlooking Their Bloopers
Practically everyone in the restaurant turned toward the
humiliated waiter. We heard a cacophony of “Uh-oh,” “Butterfingers!” “Whoops, watch it!” “Boy, that’s his last lunch here,”
and a variety of tittering and derisive laughter.
Wilson, however, didn’t miss a word of his monologue. Not
one big player at my table turned or blinked an eye. It was as
though nothing had happened. The restaurant gradually quieted
down around us as we continued our deliberations. (A few minutes later the baked potato shot back out from under our table. At
that moment, I found myself wondering whether Wilson had been
a soccer player in his youth.)
Over coffee, the director of marketing, Ms. Dawson, was discussing the company’s planned expansion. Suddenly she made an
expansive gesture with her arms that knocked over her coffee cup.
Just as I was about to say, “Oh dear,” I bit my tongue. Before I
could grab my napkin to help, Dawson was dabbing the muddy
puddle with hers, and not missing a syllable of her soliloquy. None
of her cool colleagues at the table even seemed to notice the overturned cup.
At that instant, I realized big boys and big girls see no bloopers, hear no bloopers. They never say “Butterfingers” or “Whoops”
or even “Uh-oh.” They ignore their colleagues’ boners. They simply don’t notice their comrades’ minor spills, slips, fumbles, and
blunders. Thus, the technique “See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers” was born.
Let Me Suffer in Your Silence
I have one friend who every time I sneeze says, “Oh, are you coming down with a cold?” Every time I miss a step on a curb, it’s “Be
careful!” Every time he sees me after a long day’s work he asks,
“Are you tired?” Granted, this is small fry in the great bouillabaisse
of bloopers. And the poor guy probably genuinely thinks he’s
How to Talk to Anyone
being sensitive to my needs. But, darn it, coming down with a
cold, missing the curb, and looking tired are less than cool. Let
me suffer—in YOUR silence.
If you’re having dinner with a friend and she makes a boner,
be blind to her overturned glass. Be deaf to her sneeze, cough,
or hiccups. No matter how well-meaning your “gesundheit,”
“whoops,” or knowing smile, nobody likes to be reminded of their
own human frailty.
“Fine,” you say, “for small slips, but what should one do in
extreme circumstances?” Say a rippling tide of soda is flooding
across the table in your direction and it will be impossible to ignore
by the time it reaches your lap.
If possible, deftly flip your napkin to obstruct the current and
keep talking. Try not to miss a syllable of the sentence you started
before the oncoming tide. At this point, your companion might
mutter incoherent apologies. Adroitly weave a parenthetical “It’s
nothing” into your current phrase and continue talking. On such
small sands the castles of big cat camaraderie are built.
Technique #78
See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers
Cool communicators allow their friends, associates,
acquaintances, and loved ones the pleasurable myth of
being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing
biological functions. They simply don’t notice their
comrades’ minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas.
They obviously ignore raspberries and all other signs of
human frailty in their fellow mortals. Big winners never
gape at another’s gaffes.
How to Win Their Affection by Overlooking Their Bloopers
If people hate to be reminded of the moments when they’re
not shining, there is another event almost as disillusioning. It is
when a talker is shining and the spotlight abruptly pivots to a more
urgent matter. The speaker is forgotten in the flurry.
Top communicators put the glow back in the gloomy gabber’s
eyes with the technique that follows.
79 How to Win Their
Heart When Their
Tongue Is Faltering
In ancient Japan, if you saved someone’s life, it was their selfimposed task to spend the rest of their life serving you. Nowadays,
if you rescue someone’s story, a molecule of that ancient instinct
still gushes through his or her veins.
It happens all the time. Someone in a group is telling a story
and, just before their big point, BOOM! There’s an interruption.
Someone new joins the group, a catering person with a tray of
crackers and cheese comes over, or a baby starts crying. Suddenly
everyone’s attention turns to the new arrival, the nibbles on the
tray, or the “adorable” little tyke. Nobody is aware of the interruption—except the speaker. They forget all about the fact that
the speaker hasn’t made his or her point.
Or you’re all sitting around the living room and someone is
telling a joke. Suddenly, just before their big punch line, little
Johnny drops a dish or the phone rings. After the crash, everyone
talks about little Johnny’s clumsiness. After the call, the subject
turns to the impending marriage or medical operation of the caller.
Nobody remembers the great punch line got aborted—except the
joke teller. (When it’s you regaling everyone at a restaurant, have
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Win Their Heart When Their Tongue Is Faltering
you ever noticed how you can almost set your clock by the waiter
coming to take everyone’s order just before your hilarious punch
Most joke and story tellers are too timid to say, after the invasion, “Now, as I was saying . . .” Instead, they’ll spend the rest of
the evening feeling miserable they didn’t get to finish. Here’s where
you come in. Rescue them with the technique I call “Lend a Helping Tongue.”
Watch the gratitude in the storyteller’s eyes as he stabilizes
where his story sunk and he sails off again toward the center of
attention. His expression and the recognition of your sensitivity by
the rest of the group are often reward enough. You are even more
fortunate if you can rescue the story of someone who can hire you,
promote you, buy from you, or otherwise lift your life. Big winners
have elephantine memories. When you do them subtle favors like
Lend a Helping Tongue, they find a way to pay you back.
Technique #79
Lend a Helping Tongue
Whenever someone’s story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out. Give everyone time to dote on the
little darling, give their dinner order, or pick up the
jagged pieces of china.
Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the
person who suffered story-interruptus, “Now please get
back to your story.” Or better yet, remember where they
were and then ask, “So what happened after the . . .”
(and fill in the last few words).
How to Talk to Anyone
Harvey Mackay, the world’s most notable networker who rose
from envelope salesman to corporate CEO and one of America’s
most sought-after business and motivational speakers, teaches us
that the world goes ’round on favors. How right he is! The next
three techniques reveal unspoken subtleties of this critical balance
of power.
80 How to Let ’Em
Know “What’s In It”
for Them
Savvy businesspeople know everyone is constantly tuned to the
same radio station—WIIFM. Whenever anyone says anything, the
listener’s instinctive reaction is “what’s in it for me?” Sales pros
have elevated this constant query to the exalted status of acronym,
WIIFM. They pay such strict attention to the WIIFM principle
that they don’t open their pitch with the features of their product
or service. Top pros start by highlighting the benefits to the buyer.
Except for tactical reasons during sensitive negotiating, big
winners lay both “what’s in it for me?” and “what’s in it for you?”
(WIIFY) right out on the table. This is so critical that, if one camouflages WIIFM or WIIFY, the concealer is relegated to the status of little loser.
I once invited a casual acquaintance to lunch. I had hoped to
consult with Sam, the head of a marketing association, on my
speaking business. I told him my desire and jokingly asked if an
hour of his valuable time was available in return for lunch at a great
restaurant. That was my way of saying, “Look Sam, I know there’s
no real benefit to you except a tasty lunch and the dubious pleasure of my company.” (In other words, I was revealing WIIFY.)
To make the meeting even more convenient for him, I said, “Sam,
choose the date and the best restaurant in your neighborhood.”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
The day of our lunch consultation rolled around and I traveled forty-five minutes across town to his chosen restaurant. As I
entered, I was surprised to see an assortment of people arranged
around the largest table in the room with Sam as the smiling centerpiece. Obviously, this was not the setting in which I could consult with him. Unfortunately, Sam had already spotted me by the
coat check. I was trapped.
It wasn’t until after-lunch coffee arrived that I realized why
Sam had assembled the group. He wanted each to donate presentations on their particular expertise to his organization. The sly
fox hadn’t revealed his own “what’s in it for me?”
Had Sam been a straight shooter and big player, he would
have told me on the phone, “Leil, I’m getting a group of speakers
who might be helpful to my organization together for a Dutchtreat lunch. I will, of course, try to answer your questions about
your speaking business, but we will be a group of ten. Would you
like to join us, or shall we choose another date when we can have
more privacy?”
I would gladly have spoken pro bono for Sam’s group had he
been up-front about it. Instead, by not revealing WIIFM, we both
lost. I lost a half day and, because of his trickiness, he lost my free
speech for his group.
Don’t Deny Them the Pleasure
of Helping You
Big winners also lay their cards on the table when asking someone
for a favor. Many well-meaning folks are embarrassed to say how
important the favor is to them. So they ask as though it’s a casual
inquiry when it’s not.
A friend of mine named Stefan once asked me if I knew any
bands his organization could hire for their annual event. I told him
“No, I’m sorry. I really don’t.” But Stefan didn’t let it go at that.
He pressed, “Leil, didn’t you once work with bands on ships?”
How to Let ’Em Know “What’s In It” for Them
I told him “Yes, but I no longer have contact with them.” I
thought that was the end of it. But Stefan didn’t. He grilled me
further and I found myself getting confused and irritated. Finally
I said, “Stefan, who’s in charge of getting the band?”
He sheepishly said, “I am.”
“Criminy jicketts, Stefan, why didn’t you tell me it was your
responsibility? In that case, let me do some research and see if I
can find a good one for you.” I was happy to do my friend a favor.
But Stefan, by not telling me how important it was to him, risked
not getting help. He also went down a notch or two in his friend’s
esteem by not revealing WIIFM.
When asking someone for a favor, let them know how much
it means to you. You come across as a straight shooter, and the joy
of helping you out is often reward enough. Don’t deny them that
Technique #80
Bare the Buried WIIFM (and WIIFY)
Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favor, divulge
the respective benefits. Reveal what’s in it for you and
what’s in it for the other person—even if it’s zip. If any
hidden agenda comes up later, you get labeled a sly fox.
Asking or granting favors is a fabric that holds together only
when woven with utmost sensitivity. Let us explore more ways to
stitch this delicate cloth so your relationship doesn’t rip.
81 How to Make Them
Want to Do Favors
for You
One of my clients, Susan Evans, heads up a large real estate firm.
Once, sitting in her office discussing an upcoming project, her secretary buzzed. “Excuse me, Ms. Evans, it’s your brother-in-law
Harry on the phone.”
“Oh, of course,” she smiled, “put him on.” My client, making apologies for the interruption, picked up the phone. I left the
room for a few moments to give her privacy.
When I returned, Susan was just hanging up, saying, “Sure,
have him phone me.” She told me the call was from her brotherin-law whose young cousin worked in a gas station but was interested in a career in real estate. “The young man is going to call
me and I’ll see if I can help him out.” It was obvious she was happy
to do her brother-in-law a favor. We picked up our discussion
where we left off.
Not four minutes later, the secretary buzzed again. “Ms.
Evans, a Sonny Laker is on the line. He says he’s your brother-inlaw Harry’s cousin and he’s supposed to call you.” My client was
taken aback. I could tell from her expression she was saying to herself, “Boy, my overanxious brother-in-law didn’t waste any time,
did he?” It seemed obvious to both of us what had happened. Like
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make Them Want to Do Favors for You
greased lightning, Harry must have hot-breathedly called Cousin
Sonny to give him the big headline: Evans Would See Him! Then,
by dialing Ms. Evans immediately, Sonny made it seem the bigdeal interview was the most important event in his otherwise dull
and dismal life.
True or not, one verity remained—Little Cousin was insensitive to an unspoken rule big winners always obey: don’t jump
immediately when someone is doing you a favor. Allow the person granting the favor time to savor the pleasure of agreeing to it,
before having to pay up.
Both brother-in-law and potential employee slipped in Evans’s
estimate, all because of timing. To ensure the kid wouldn’t call his
real-estate-mogul sister-in-law too quickly, Harry should have
waited a day before telling his cousin the good news. Also, young
Sonny should have asked Cousin Harry about Evans’s schedule.
Sometimes an immediate call is advantageous but not when someone is granting you a favor.
Technique #81
Let ’Em Savor the Favor
Whenever a friend agrees to a favor, allow your
generous buddy time to relish the joy of his or her
beneficence before you make them pay the piper.
How long? At least twenty-four hours.
One might think Evans was unfair judging Sonny harshly just
because he didn’t let her savor the favor. It runs deeper than that.
Evans’s subconscious thought process goes something like this: “If
this kid is insensitive to the subtleties of timing when getting a
How to Talk to Anyone
job, how sensitive is he going to be when negotiating the sale of a
house?” One agent’s overanxious call to an owner can mean thousands lost in commissions for the firm.
Big winners have supernatural vision into your future. They
see every communications blunder you make as a visible blotch on
your x-ray. It dims your prognosis for being successful in life.
Let’s look at yet another tenuous thread between favor asker
and favor grantor that must not be severed lest the relationship
82 How to Ask for Favors
(and Get Them!)
I once asked a well-connected friend who works in a top Los
Angeles talent agency if she knew any celebrities I could contact
for a project I was working on. Tania flipped though her Rolodex
and came up with just the names I needed. It was obvious to both
of us, I owed her big time.
When I thanked her profusely on the phone, Tania said, “Oh
I’m sure you’ll find a way to pay me back.”
“Well, of course I will,” I said. “That goes without saying.”
And well it should have gone without saying. She was reminding
me the favor wasn’t out of friendship, but because she expected
something in return.
Two days later, Tania called and said she was coming to New
York in a few months. She was just checking now if I could put
her up then. Naturally I could, but blatantly cashing in on the
return favor so quickly was not a smooth move. When someone
does something nice for you, you find yourself with an elephant’s
memory. In fact, you consciously look for ways to return the favor.
Had Tania called, even years later, of course I would have remembered “I owed her one.” Frankly, I was glad it came up so quickly
so I could even the score. Nevertheless, I do wish the whole barter
aspect had been left unspoken. It tarnished what should have been
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
a generous sharing on both sides. Tarnish always wears off on the
When you do someone a favor and they obviously “owe you
one,” wait a few weeks. Don’t make it look like tit for tat. Allow
the favor asker the pleasurable myth that you joyfully did the favor
with no thought of what you’re going to get in return. They know
that’s not true. You know that’s not true. But only little losers make
it obvious.
Technique #82
Tit for (Wait . . . Wait) Tat
When you do someone a favor and it’s obvious that “he
owes you one,” wait a suitable amount of time before
asking him to “pay.” Let him enjoy the fact (or fiction)
that you did it out of friendship. Don’t call in your tit
for their tat too swiftly.
The next three techniques also involve timing, not of favors,
but of important discussions.
How to Know What
Not to Say at Parties
When police were hot on the tail of a thief in ancient times, he’d
frantically seek a church to duck into. The crook knew if he could
get to an altar, the frustrated posse could not arrest him until he
came out.
When a pack of wolves in the jungle is in hot pursuit of a
jackrabbit, the frightened bunny’s eyes seek a hollow log. He
knows the wolves can’t devour him until he emerges.
Likewise in the human jungle, big cats have certain safe havens.
Although unspoken, they are as secure as the tenth-century altar
or a hole in the log. At clearly understood times and places, even
the toughest tiger knows he must not attack. I call these “safe
I have a friend, Kirstin, the president of an advertising agency
who each year invites me to her company’s Christmas party. One
year, the holiday spirit was in extra-high swing. Conviviality was
high and champagne flowed freely. It was a terrific bash.
The evening wore on, more bubbly flowed, and the decibel
level of the holiday revelers went up and up. So high, in fact, that
Kirstin told me she was going to tiptoe out the back door and
offered to drop me off at my place.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
As we were making our way toward the exit, we heard a woozy
voice in the crowd, “Oh Kirrr-stin, Kirrr-stin!” A mail-room
worker, warped with too much seasonal spirit, wobbled up to her
boss and said, “You know, thish ish a great party, a grr-reat party.
But I been doin’ some figuring. If half what it cost went into a
child-care facility for the seven, count ’em, seven mothers with
preschool children who work here . . .”
Kirstin, a top communicator, took Jane’s hands in hers and
gave her a big smile. She said, “Jane, you’re obviously excellent at
math. You’re right, just about half of what this party cost would
indeed pay for the opening of such a facility. Let’s talk about it
during business hours.” We then made a swift departure.
On the way back to my place, she let out a big breath and said,
“Whew, I’m glad that’s over.”
“Didn’t you enjoy the party, Kirstin?” I asked.
“Well, sure,” she said, “But you never know what’s going to
happen. For instance,” she said, “that remark Jane made.” She
went on to explain management had already had several meetings
about opening a child-care facility for employees. In fact, plans
for turning an unused storage area into a beautiful nursery were
already in the works. Naïvely, I asked Kirstin why she hadn’t mentioned that to Jane.
“It wasn’t the right time or place.” Kirstin had handled the situation at the party the way any big winner would—no spoken
confrontation now (but probable silent condemnation later).
Jane, unfortunately, had broken the first unspoken safe-haven
rule, “Parties Are for Pratter.” Did Kirstin chastise Jane? Did she
punish her inappropriate behavior? Not then, of course. Nevertheless, Jane would probably feel the repercussions a few months
down the pike when it came to promotion time. But by then poor
Jane wouldn’t even know why she was passed over.
Will it be because of a one-time overimbibing? Jane might
grumble, “Yes.” Jane is wrong. It’s simply that big players can’t take
How to Know What Not to Say at Parties
the chance that one of their key people will feel too much holiday
spirit at another party and next time confront an important client.
Technique #83
Parties Are for Pratter
There are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle
where even the toughest tiger knows he must not
attack. The first of these is parties.
Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not
for confrontations. Big players, even when standing
next to their enemies at the buffet table, smile and nod.
They leave tough talk for tougher settings.
Let’s move to the second safe haven where big cats can escape
the claws of bigger cats and, they hope, the growls of lesser ones.
84 How to Know What
Not to Say at Dinner
Did you ever wonder why business lunches between big bosses go
on interminably long, sometimes well into the afternoon? Did you
ever suspect it’s just because they like to sit, drink, and massage
each other on the company expense account? Perhaps there’s an
element of that. But the main reason is because the dining table
is an even more sacred safe haven than a party. Big boys and big
girls realize, whether it’s a business dinner, lunch, or breakfast,
breaking bread together is a time when they must discuss no
unpleasant aspects of the business. After all, tough negotiating can
kill your appetite.
Let’s listen in on an average business lunch between big players. We hear the clanking of glasses as they consume drinks over
convivial conversation. They are discussing golf, the weather, and
making general observations about the state of the business. During the main course, the discourse turns to food, the arts, current
affairs, and other nonthreatening subjects.
“Wasted time?” one might ask. Not at all! The big players are
watching each other’s moves very carefully, calculating each other’s
skills, knowledge, prowess. Like NFL scouts observing college
football practice, they’re determining who’s got the right stuff. Big
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Know What Not to Say at Dinner
players know how people handle themselves at a social occasion is
an accurate barometer of their big-business muscle. As they are
smiling and laughing at each other’s jokes, they are all making
silent critical judgments.
Finally, coffee arrives. At this point one or more of the biggies
gently broaches the business at hand. Naturally, he or she does it
with supposed reluctance, trying to repress the obvious relief that
at last they can get down to significant stuff. He exudes, “What a
shame such genial company should have to concern itself with
mundane matters like making money.”
Only after they have played out this crucial charade can they
discuss business. But no dirty business. The biggies can brainstorm
over coffee. They can discuss proposals over dessert. They can toss
around new ideas over cordials. They can explore the positive side
of the merger, the acquisition, or the partnership while waiting for
the check.
However, should any disagreement, misunderstanding, or
controversial aspect arise, they must immediately relegate it to
another table, the conference table.
Technique #84
Dinner’s for Dining
The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners
is the dining table. Breaking bread together is a time
when they bring up no unpleasant matters. While
eating, they know it’s OK to brainstorm and discuss the
positive side of the business: their dreams, their desires,
their designs. They can free associate and come up with
new ideas. But no tough business.
How to Talk to Anyone
This convention probably arose out of a prudent agreement
not to inflict indigestion on each other. Tough negotiating is
unpalatable and can ruin an otherwise perfectly mouthwatering
veal chop.
Incidentally, the same rule applies in the social jungle. If one
partner in a friendship or a love relationship has some heavy relationship issues to discuss, save them for after dessert. Even if you
don’t solve the problem, you want to enjoy the delicious chocolate
Let’s crawl into our third and final safe haven to explore it.
85 How to Know What
Not to Say in a
Chance Meeting
William, who sells widgets, has been trying to get Big Winner on
the phone for weeks to see if B.W.’s company will buy his line of
widgets. Big Winner is still considering Willie’s widgets and plans
eventually to return his call. However, at this point in our story,
our little hero’s phone has not rung.
It just so happens, one evening Willie finds himself standing
behind Big Winner in the supermarket line.
“What good fortune!” thinks Willie.
“Oh hell!” thinks Big Winner. “I hope he’s not going to hit
me with talk of his widgets at this hour.”
Those who appreciate safe havens know there are two very
different endings to this story. The Willie who brings up widgets
with an “Aha, I’ve got you now” gleam in his eye, never gets his
call returned. Even if Big Winner preferred Willie’s widgets above
all others, he would find the supermarket entrapment sufficiently
painful to punish the little loser.
However, the Willie who just says “Hello there, B.W. How
good to see you,” with nary a word of widgets, shows he’s a big
player, too. This Willie will most certainly get his call returned—
probably the next day—out of Big Winner’s relief and gratitude
for Willie’s graciousness.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #85
Chance Encounters Are for Chitchat
If you’re selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive
communication with someone, do NOT capitalize on a
chance meeting. Keep the melody of your mistaken
meeting sweet and light. Otherwise, it could turn into
your swan song with Big Winner.
Consistently create safe havens for people if you want them
to elevate you to the status of big winner. You may find yourself
dining with them, going to parties with them, getting big “hellos”
in the hall, and closing deals much faster than during business
hours. Who knows? If it’s your desire, you even make yourself eligible for some heavy socializing at the top. Big winners make it
safe for each other to accept invitations to play golf, spend the
weekend in their country homes, or relax by each other’s pools.
They know there will be no sharks swimming in the water, no
razor blades buried in the shrimp cocktail.
86 How to Prepare Them
to Listen to You
Once night, several years ago on a New York City street, I caught
a man trying to break into a car. I shouted for him to stop. Instead
of being content escaping, the burly would-be burglar decided to
retaliate. As he raced past me, he shoved me down onto the
cement and I cracked my skull against the curb.
Dizzily, I wobbled into the emergency room of a nearby hospital. Holding an ice pack against my throbbing head, I was grilled
by the emergency room triage nurse on my address, telephone, and
social security numbers, insurance carrier, policy number, ad nauseam. It’s as if she had said,”The heck with your cracked skull. You
can tell me about that later. What’s your insurance number?”
Don’t bother me with that minutiae! All I wanted to do was
tell somebody, anybody, what happened to me. It wasn’t until the
very end of her ruthless and sadistic interrogation that she asked,
“So what happened?”
I later told my sad story to a friend, Sue, a nurse who works
in admitting in another emergency room. She said, “I know. I can’t
believe they print the forms that way. Injured people don’t get to
tell what happened to them until the last line of the form. Sue said
getting crucial numerical details from people suffering in the ER
with broken bones and burns was a real challenge. Until, she said,
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
she switched her questioning around. She’d first ask them what
happened. They’d tell her all about it. She’d listen sympathetically.
“Then,” she said, “they were only too happy to give me the information I needed.”
Good bosses understand this human need to talk. Robert, a
colleague of mine who owns a small manufacturing firm, says
whenever one of his employees complains about a problem, he
never holds the griper’s feet to the fire for facts first. He hears the
employee out completely. He lets him carry on about the cantankerous customer, the uncooperative coworker. “Then, after he’s
gotten it off his chest,” Robert says, “I get the facts a lot more
When You Have Important Information
to Impart
Any kid working in a garage knows you can’t pump more gas into
a full tank. Too much topping it off, and it splashes onto the cement.
Likewise, your listener’s brain is always full of his or her own
thoughts, worries, and enthusiasms. If you pump your ideas into
your listener’s brain, which is full of her own notions, you’ll get a
polluted mixture, then a spill. If you want your supersupreme ideas
to flow into her tank unpolluted, drain her tank completely first.
Technique #86
Empty Their Tanks
If you need information, let people have their entire say
first. Wait patiently until their needle is on empty and
the last drop drips out and splashes on the cement. It’s
the only way to be sure their tank is empty enough of
their own inner noise to start receiving your ideas.
How to Prepare Them to Listen to You
Whenever you are discussing emotionally charged matters, let
the speaker finish completely before you jump in. Count to ten if
you must. It will seem like an eternity, but letting the flustered fellow finish is the only way he’ll hear you when it’s your turn.
“I’m Going to Make You Miserable Before
You Can Enjoy Being My Customer”
Companies that run mail-order operations could take a hint from
this technique. One reason I enjoy ordering from L.L. Bean, a
mail-order clothing and sports-equipment outfit, is they let me ask
questions about the wearable or widget I want first. They let me
ramble on with my questions about the quality, the available colors, how it looks, how it feels, how it smells, and how it works.
Then, when I’m all whacked up about receiving my four size-ten,
red-and-chartreuse, soft, odorless widgets, they tastefully ask my
credit card number.
Other companies have first grilled me on the number, the
expiration date, my customer number (which I can never find on
the back of the catalogue), and how often I’ve ordered from them
in the past before I even get to fantasize about the wonderful
widget I might want to buy from them. Takes all the joy out of
the purchase and sometimes kills the sale.
Top communicators do more than just let you babble on.
They use the next technique while you’re in the process of dribbling down.
87 How to Turn Their
Anger Around (in Three
Sentences or Less)
Emo is a word invented by Helen Gurley Brown, the grand dame
of Cosmopolitan magazine. Emo translated is “Give more emotion!”
Once Cosmopolitan asked me to write an article on communicating sensitive matters (most specifically advising young women on
how to make their boyfriends more passionate). I interviewed a
passel of psychologists, communications experts, and sexologists.
My draft came back from Cosmo all marked up with “MORE
EMO” scribbled on every page.
I called my editor and asked what it meant. She said that was
Helen’s way of saying downplay all that factual stuff with the sex
therapists and so-called experts. Write about the emotion the young
woman feels when her boyfriend isn’t passionate enough, the emotion the accused male feels when confronted, and the emotion the
couple feels about discussing their quandary. Helen Gurley Brown,
a certified big winner, liked to have it all and knew just how to get
it. Helen recognized, when the time is right, reject the rational and
empathize with the emotions. In other words, smear on the emo.
“Oh, No! He Must Have Been Mortified!”
L.L. Bean recently smeared emo all over me. Several months ago,
my friend Phil wanted to buy some trousers and asked for a rec322
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Turn Their Anger Around (in Three Sentences or Less)
ommendation. I dragged him to my closet to show him the quality and construction of the L.L. Bean clothes. That convinced
him, and Phil ordered a pair of navy-blue dress trousers.
Phil wore his brand new L.L. Bean pants for the first time on
a big date with a new girlfriend at an elegant restaurant. While
following the maître d’ to the cozy corner booth which he’d
requested, his date happened to drop her evening bag. Phil
promptly bent over to pick it up. Riiiiiiip! Right down the middle seam.
Most of the diners facing Phil’s derriere mercifully looked
away. A few tittered. Phil, tugging the torn seams together to blanket his buns, backed his way into the booth. The cool upholstery
on his bottom the rest of the evening reminded him of his
When I heard of Phil’s tribulations, I was furious at L.L. Bean.
I immediately called one of their customer service agents. She sympathized as I told her of Phil’s ordeal, but I was still simmering.
She patiently listened and even asked me details of the disaster.
When I finished the long sad story, the agent said, “Oh that’s terrible. I understand, your friend must have felt awful.”
“Yes, he did,” I agreed.
“He must have been mortified!” she said.
“He definitely was,” I said, surprised at her excellent grasp of
the situation.
“And you, when you heard about it. You must have felt terrible, too, especially after you’d recommended our products so
“Well, your products usually are excellent,” I said, calming
down a bit.
“I’m so sorry we caused you this pain and aggravation,” she
“Oh,” I interrupted. “It’s not your fault.” Now I was completely appeased. “It must have just been a fluke that this one pair
of pants was . . . ”
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #87
Echo the Emo
Facts speak. Emotions shout. Whenever you need facts
from people about an emotional situation, let them
emote. Hear their facts but empathize like mad with
their emotions. Smearing on the emo is often the only
way to calm their emotional storm.
There’s more to this story, but let me pause here to interject
the Echo the Emo technique.
The clever customer service rep not only emptied my tanks
and softened me up with Echo the Emo. She completely dissolved
me with the next technique.
88 How to Make ’Em Like
You (Even When You’ve
Messed Up)
The next day, UPS delivered not only the replacement slacks, but
tucked into the package was a handwritten apology and a hefty
gift certificate. Would I order from that company again? You bet
I would. Would I recommend their clothes to someone else? You
bet I would. Top customer service folks welcome mistakes because
they know it gives their firm a chance to shine. Whenever you
mess up and someone suffers because of it, make sure they come
out ahead, way ahead. I call the technique “My Goof, Your Gain.”
Visiting an important client’s office, I once tripped on a rug
and took a nose dive, making a three-point landing in a vase on
her desk. My nose was spared but her vase shattered into
smithereens. Two tubes of crazy glue and lots of “Where the heck
does this piece go” later, the vase was back on her desk, and we
agreed it looked pretty good. Nevertheless, the next day I had a
messenger deliver a beautiful vase, ten times the value of the
almost-totaled one, with a dozen roses in it.
Whenever we speak, my client tells me every time she looks
at the new vase, she smiles. (A better “incentive gift” than a pen
with your name on it, no?) The next time I visit her office, my
client may hide some of her more valuable breakables. But, thanks
to My Goof, Your Gain, there will be a next time.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
Technique #88
My Goof, Your Gain
Whenever you make a boner, make sure your victim
benefits. It’s not enough to correct your mistake. Ask
yourself, “What could I do for this suffering soul so he
or she will be delighted I made the flub?” Then do it,
fast! In that way, your goof will become your gain.
Now, suppose it’s not your boo-boo. It’s theirs. How can you
make their goof your gain? Read on.
89 How to Trap a Rat
with Class
In Japan, some citizens prefer to lose their lives rather than to lose
face. In America, the same death wish exists, with one modification. The Yank dreams of the death of the mortal who made him
lose face.
Why make enemies? Unless it is your obligation to catch
cheaters or entrap liars, let them get away with it. Then immediately get them out of your life and the lives you’re responsible for.
Even when the case is open and shut against someone—when
you’ve got the rat fink trapped—leave him an escape hatch.
The best example I heard of this high sensitivity was from one
of my clients. She was invited to brunch at the home of a wealthy
socialite known as “Lady Stephanie.” Lady Stephanie’s home was
filled with beautiful objets d’art. Not the least among them was
an exquisite collection of extremely valuable Fabergé eggs, which
all the guests admired.
At the end of the elegant champagne brunch, my client told
me she was walking out the door chatting with several other
guests. Just then, Lady Stephanie sidled up to one woman leaving
at the same time as my client. “Oh, I’m so happy you were admiring my Fabergé collection,” Lady Stephanie said, sliding her hand
into the pocket of the guest’s mink coat and plucking out one of
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
her priceless eggs. “You must have wanted to see this one in the
sunlight. Come, let us look at it together. It does reflect the bright
light beautifully.”
The mink-clad thief gulped and furtively looked around to
see who had witnessed her gentle entrapment. My client and
everyone in the foyer saw what happened, but took Lady
Stephanie’s lead and pretended naïveté of the attempted heist.
Carrying the charade a step further, Lady Stephanie and the
sticky-fingered guest “admired the egg in the sunlight.” Then Lady
Stephanie, with her Fabergé egg secured safely between her perfectly manicured fingers, marched home to put the treasure in its
rightful place. The attempted egg snatcher crawled back to her car,
from her last attendance at Lady Stephanie’s coveted bashes. The
hostess let the foiled filcher get away with a few slivered shreds of
her ego left intact.
Why did Lady Stephanie come out ahead? Everyone who witnessed—and subsequently heard about—the thwarted burglary
has renewed respect for Lady Stephanie. Snaring the thief, yet
sparing her pride, helped Lady Stephanie keep her reputation of
“hostess with the mostest.”
Why do big winners let bad-news people get away with bummers? Because, like mothers confronting naughty children to correct them, confronting creeps is a way of saying “I care.” By
closing your mouth (and then the door forever), you are saying,
“You are so beneath me I’m not going to even waste my words on
“Mea Culpa!”
Big winners leave an escape hatch for the small foibles of friends
they wish to keep by taking the blame themselves. If a friend gets
lost and is an hour late arriving at your house, tell her “Those
directions I gave you were terrible.” He breaks your Limoges bowl?
“Oh I shouldn’t have left it in such a precarious position.” It’s the
How to Trap a Rat with Class
old mea culpa routine that endears you to everyone, especially
when they realize it wasn’t your fault.
Technique #89
Leave an Escape Hatch
Whenever you catch someone lying, filching, exaggerating, distorting, or deceiving, don’t confront the dirty
duck directly. Unless it is your responsibility to catch or
correct the culprit—or unless you are saving other
innocent victims by doing so—let the transgressor out
of your trap with his tricky puss in one piece. Then
resolve never to gaze upon it again.
Residents of Toronto, Canada, have a well-earned reputation
for grace. They demonstrated it last year in a downtown Toronto
drugstore. A shopper attempted to stroll out through the security
system with a purloined object in his pocket. Instead of a shrill
alarm shattering all shoppers’ eardrums, as in many American
cities, a tasteful little chime sounded. A charming voice came
across the public address. “Excuse us, we have failed to inactivate
the inventory control system. Thank you for your patience while
you wait for a customer care representative to come help you.” Isn’t
that a nicer way of saying “Freeze, punk, while we come frisk
Now let’s move on to the next technique to keep people from
messing up—and to help them give you their very best.
90 How to Get Whatever
You Want from Service
A complimentary letter is called a “buttercup” because it butters
up the recipient. Buttercups are nice. Even nicer are buttercups
about someone to their boss.
I once needed a massive photocopying job. It was so immense
that the assistant manager of Staples office-supply store didn’t
think it could be finished by the end of the week. Nevertheless,
grudgingly, he grumbled, “I’ll try.” In my enthusiasm and hope he
could, I gushed, “Wow, you’re great! What’s your boss’s name?
Your supervisor should get a letter of congratulations on hiring
you. You really try harder for your customers.” To my astonishment, not only was my printing job done two days early, but every
time I walk into Staples, the assistant manager rolls out the red
“Hmm,” I began to think. “I may be on to something.” A premature letter of commendation for favors not yet received could
be a clever tactic. I decided to check it out with a few heavy hitters on my consultation list.
One fellow I know, Tim, a top travel agent, is a real can-do
guy. He gets anything his friends ask for in a finger snap. He’s the
fellow to call when you want hard-to-get theater tickets. He’s the
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Get Whatever You Want from Service Personnel
guy you call when your airline says the hotel is booked or the flight
is oversold.
When I told him of my buttercup experience, Tim laughed
and said, “Leil, of course. This is news to you? A complimentary
letter to someone’s boss—or the promise of one—is a great insurance policy. It’s as good as a written rider that you will be well
taken care of in the future.”
Now I have a standard one in my computer. The buttercup
reads as follows:
Dear [name of supervisor],
I know how important customer service is to an
organization such as yours. This letter is to commend [name of employee]. He/She is an example of
an [employee title] who gives exceptional customer
service. [Name of store or business] continues to
have my business thanks in great part to the service
given by [name of employee].
Gratefully, [signature]
I’ve sent this letter to supervisors of parking lots, owners of
insurance companies, and to managers of dozens of stores where
I shop regularly. I’m sure that’s why I never need to worry about
getting a parking place when the lot is full, an immediate callback
from my insurance agent, and attentive service at my regular shopping haunts.
But be careful! Don’t just ask, “What’s the name of your
supervisor?” Hearing those words can make an employee as nervous as a turkey in November. Be sure to couch it in a compliment.
Say something like, “Wow, you are terrific. What’s your supervisor’s name? I’d like to write him or her a letter.” Then write it!
You’ll forever be a VIP in his or her book.
How to Talk to Anyone
Teechnique #90
Buttercups for Their Boss
Do you have a store clerk, accountant, law firm junior
partner, tailor, auto mechanic, maître d’, massage
therapist, kid’s teacher—or any other worker you want
special attention from in the future? The surefire way
to make them care enough to give you their very best is
send a buttercup to their boss.
The next technique tells you how to stand out as a VIP when
you’re in a group.
91 How to Be a Leader
in a Crowd, Not a
During the McCarthy era, government spies infiltrated underground political rallies to determine who was “dangerous to
national security.” The agents were trained applause watchers.
They photographed and investigated men who clapped first,
shouted “Bravo” the loudest, and smiled the longest at the end of
politically inflammatory speeches. The spies dubbed those the
“dangerous ones.” The infiltrators felt first responders were confident cats who had the power to persuade followers and the
charisma to lead crowds.
In less politically sensitive gatherings, the same principle
applies. People who respond first to a presentation or happening,
without looking around to see how everyone else is reacting, are
men and women of leadership caliber.
Cool Cats Clap First
You are sitting in an auditorium with hundreds of fellow employees listening to the president of your firm introduce a new concept. As you’re slouching anonymously in the audience, you think
your expression is invisible to the man or woman at the podium.
Not so! As a speaker, I guarantee you every one of my colleagues
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Talk to Anyone
sees every smile, every frown, every light in every eye, and every
emblem of extraordinary human intelligence flashing back at him
or her.
Likewise, the company president making a presentation anxiously surveys his corporate jungle and, from the pusses peering
back at him, senses which employees are sympathetic and which
are not. He also knows which in the sea of faces floating in front
of him has the potential to be a heavy hitter like himself. How?
Because heavy hitters, even when they do not agree with the
speaker, support the podium pontificator. Why? Because they
know what it’s like to be on. They know, no matter how big or little the cat at the front of the room is, when giving a speech he’s
concerned about the crowd’s acceptance.
Technique #91
Lead the Listeners
No matter how prominent the big cat behind the
podium is, crouched inside is a little scaredy-cat who is
anxious about the crowd’s acceptance.
Big winners recognize you’re a fellow big winner
when they see you leading their listeners in a positive
reaction. Be the first to applaud or publicly commend
the man or woman you agree with (or want favors
When the company big shot delivers his last line, carefully
contrived to bring the crowd to its feet or employees to acquiescence, do you think he’s unaware of who starts the trickle, or the
riptide, of acceptance? No way! Though his head is down while
taking a bow, with the insight of a McCarthy-era spy, he perceives
How to Be a Leader in a Crowd, Not a Follower
precisely who inaugurated the applause, precisely how long after
the last words were uttered, and precisely how enthusiastically!
Being the first to put your hands together, being the first to jump
to your feet, and, if appropriate, being the first to shout “Bravo,”
gets you big cat status with the tiger who was talking.
Be the first clapper no matter how small the crowd, no matter how informal the talk. Don’t wait to see how everyone else is
going to respond. Even if it’s a small group of three or four people standing around, be the first to empathize with the speaker’s
ideas, the first to mutter “good idea.” It’s proof positive you’re a
person who trusts his or her own instincts.
92 How to Make All
the Right Moves
Any minute, any second, football fans know the score. Even beerguzzling Big George, dozing in front of the TV set on football
Sunday knows. Poke his pudgy pot, and in a wink, he’ll tell you
who’s winning, who’s losing, and by precisely how many points.
Key players in the game of life are like George. Even when
you think they’re dozing, they are constantly aware of the score
between themselves and everyone in their life—friends and family included! They know who is winning, who is losing, and by
how many points.
When two Japanese businessmen meet, it’s obvious who is on
top. You measure it in millimeters from how close to the floor their
noses come when bowing. (Bottom man’s nose dives lower.)
In America, we don’t have carefully choreographed bows
showing the score in a relationship. But boys ’n’ girls in the business big league know who is top dog and who is bottom dog today.
(It can change tomorrow.)
Bottom dog must curtsy deeper. He or she must show deference. Bottom dog must offer to meet at top dog’s office, pick up
the restaurant tab when appropriate, and be respectful of top dog’s
time. If bottom dog fails to show the proper deference, he doesn’t
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
How to Make All the Right Moves
get his nose rubbed into the ground. He simply disqualifies himself to bark in the big league.
That’s what happened to my girlfriend Laura, who had developed the healthy milkshake. (Remember her from Instant Replay?)
When we last left Laura, she was blowing her chances with Fred,
the top banana of a supermarket chain, by grilling him for details
of his mailing address, complaining her pen was out of ink, making him wait while she got another, writing numbers down wrong,
ad nauseam.
I didn’t tell you the worst part. After Fred was generous
enough to invite Laura to send him samples of her health shake,
she dropped another bomb by asking him which shipping service
she should use. He must have said FedEx because I heard Laura
say, “Well, my milkshake needs to stay refrigerated. Does FedEx
have refrigerated trucks?”
At this point I knew she had strangled the deal by her own
phone chord. She shouldn’t nudge Supermarket Czar with dinky
shipping details. In fact, Laura should be so grateful, she should
personally deliver the drink the next day—rolling it all the way to
his supermarket with her nose if need be. Laura was obviously not
aware of The Great Scorecard in the Sky. That day the tally was
Fred everything, Laura nothing.
Big winners—before putting pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, mouth to phone, or hand to someone else’s to shake it—
do a quick calculation. They ask themselves “Who has the most
to benefit from this relationship? What has each of us done
recently that demands deference from the other?” And what can
I do to even the score?
Friends Keep Tabs Too
The Great Scorecard in the Sky is not just bobbing over businesspeople. If family members and friends look carefully over their
How to Talk to Anyone
loved ones’ heads, they’ll spot it. And, like an over-the-counter
stock, it goes up or down every day. When you mess up, you have
to even your score by doing more for the one who didn’t. To keep
love alive, keep your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky.
Several months ago, I met a nice chap named Charles at a convention. We started discussing our favorite foods. His was homemade linguine with pesto sauce. I liked Charles and I make a mean
pesto sauce. The remarkable coincidence of these two elements
emboldened me to invite him to dinner at my place. “Great,” he
said. We set it for seven-thirty the following Tuesday.
Tuesday afternoon, I begin preparations for the big date. The
cuckoo clock on the wall monitored my progress. At five cuckoos,
I run to the store to find pine nuts. By six cuckoos, I’m back home
grinding basil and garlic. At seven cuckoos, I’m folding napkins,
setting the table, pulling out fresh candles. Whoops, running late.
I change clothes and spruce myself up. When seven-thirty strikes,
I am all ready. The pesto and I await his arrival.
Eight o’clock rolls around and no friend. Well, I figure, I’ll
open the wine and let it breathe. Another hour passes and no
Charles. The cuckoo calls me “cuckoo” nine times now. I begin to
believe the bird. It is evident Charles isn’t coming. I have been
stood up.
The next day Charles called with halfhearted apologies and a
semiplausible excuse. His car broke down. “Gee, I’m sorry,” I said.
(I wanted to say, “Did Martians capture you? Were you transported to another planet where there were no phones to call me?”
I resisted the sarcasm.) However, he did sound contrite so I was
almost willing to forget it. Until his next question.
He obviously wasn’t aware of how he’d slipped in The Great
Scorecard in the Sky because, instead of inviting me for linguine
with pesto at a fine Italian restaurant to make up for his blooper,
he asked, “When can we reschedule at your house?”
Never, Charlie.
How to Make All the Right Moves
Technique #92
The Great Scorecard in the Sky
Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering
above their heads. The numbers continually fluctuate,
but one rule remains: player with lower score pays
deference to player with higher score. The penalty for
not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the
Sky is to be thrown out of the game. Permanently.
Your Destiny
We’ve met many people in How to Talk to Anyone. A few of their
names are changed, but each is very real. Recently, I decided to
track down some of the folks with whom I’d crossed paths over
the years. I wanted to see what they’re up to now.
Laura, my old friend who dreamed of milkshake millions but
ignored the Supermarket Czar’s scorecard, is now back at her day
job. Sam, who ruffled me by not revealing he wanted me to speak
for his organization, no longer has one. Sonny, who hounded his
brother-in-law’s cousin by a too-quick call, is still pumping gas.
Tania, who insisted on immediate tit for tat, no longer has that
terrific job at the talent agency. Poor Jane, the mail-room clerk who
confronted her boss at the Christmas party five years ago, is still
wrapping packages. And Dan, who left the prolonged inspirational
message on his phone, now has an unlisted number—not a good
sign for an aspiring speaker.
Whereas Barry who asks everyone he calls, “What Color Is
Your Time?” was recently chosen Broadcaster of the Year by the
National Association of Talk Show Hosts. Joe, who keeps note of
everyone on his Business Card Dossier, is now a state senator.
How to Talk to Anyone
Jimmi, the expert at Eyeball Selling, was recently written up in
Success magazine. Steve, whose staff insinuates “Oh Wow, It’s You!”
to every caller, is one of the most requested speakers on the cable
circuit. Tim, the can-do guy who gets what he wants from workers in every industry by writing Buttercups for Their Boss, now
owns the travel agency. And Gloria, my hairdresser who gives the
great Nutshell Résumé, recently opened a salon on New York’s
fashionable Fifth Avenue.
Does this mean to say that just because the first folks irked
me and a few others they were exiled to a humdrum existence?
And the latter group who made people smile would attain great
heights? Of course not. Those isolated moments of their lives we
examined were but one move of many they made each day.
But consider: if you had been who was ruffled by Laura, Sam,
Sonny, Tania, Jane, or Dan and they called you, would you feel
like extending yourself for them? Probably not. The memory of
their ragged dealing would still smart.
Whereas if you heard from Barry, Joe, Jimmi, Steve, Tim, or
Gloria, happy memories of your exchange would flood over you.
You’d want to do whatever you could for them.
Multiply your response by many thousands. As we said in the
introduction, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, the
smooth moves of these big winners have captured the hearts and
conquered the minds of hundreds of people who helped boost
them rung by rung to the top of whatever ladder they chose.
How does one become an instinctive smooth mover rather
than a ragged rider through life? The answer became blindingly
clear one snowy day last winter. Lumbering along a neatly
groomed track on cross-country skis, I spotted a Nordic skier
swiftly striding toward me in the same trail. I didn’t need to
observe his high kick or his snazzy diagonal poling to let me know
I was obstructing the path of a pro.
How to Make All the Right Moves
While mustering the energy to lug my throbbing legs out of
the track so Super Skier could soar past, he deftly sidestepped out
of the groove, leaving the groomed trail all for me. As he whizzed
toward me, he slowed slightly, smiled, nodded, and said, “Good
morning, beautiful day for skiing, isn’t it?”
I appreciated his deference (and insinuation that we were
equals on the snow!). I knew he was not thinking “Hey look at
me. Here I am!” but “Ahh, there you are. Let me make room for
As I implied in the opening words of this book, the difference in the life success between those two types of thinkers is
Why was Super Skier able to pull off his move so gracefully?
Was he born with the skill? No. His was a deliberate move that
grew out of practice.
Practice is also the fountainhead of all smooth communications moves. Excellence is not a single and solitary action. It is the
outcome of many years of making small smooth moves, tiny ones
like the ninety-two little tricks we’ve explored in How to Talk to
Anyone. These moves create your destiny.
Remember, repeating an action makes a habit.
Your habits create your character.
And your character is your destiny.
May success be your destiny.
This page intentionally left blank.
✰ Notes
1. Ekman, Paul. 1985. Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage. New York: W. W. Norton Co., Inc.
2. Cheng, Sha, et al. 1990. “Effects of Personality Type on
Stress Response.” Acta-Psychologica-Sinica 22(2):197–204.
3. Carnegie, Dale. 1936. How to Win Friends and Influence People. New York: Simon & Schuster.
4. Goleman, Daniel. 1989. “Brain’s Design Emerges as a Key
to Emotions,” quoting Dr. Joseph LeDoux, psychologist at Center for Neural Science at New York University. New York Times,
August 15.
5. Kellerman, Joan, et al. 1989. “Looking and Loving: The
Effects of Mutual Gaze on Feelings of Romantic Love.” Conducted at the Agoraphobia Treatment & Research Center of New
England. Journal of Research in Personality 23(2):145–161.
6. Argyle, Michael. 1967. The Psycholog y of Interpersonal
Behavior. Baltimore: Pelican Publications.
7. Wellens, A. Rodney. 1987. “Heart-Rate Changes in Response to Shifts in Interpersonal Gaze from Liked and Disliked
Others.” Perceptual and Motor Skills 64(2):595–598.
8. Ibid.
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
9. Zig Ziglar, motivational teacher and author of the bestselling books See You at the Top, Secrets of Closing the Sale, Over
the Top, and Something to Smile About.
10. Curtis, Rebecca C., and Miller, Kim. 1986. “Believing
Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors Making the Beliefs Come
True.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 51(2):284–290.
11. Hayakawa, S. I. 1941. Language in Thought and Action.
New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich.
12. Aronson, E., et al. 1966. “The Effect of a Pratfall on
Increasing Interpersonal Attractiveness.” Psychonomic Science
13. Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching
and Carnegie Institute of Technology studies in the 1930s showing that 85 percent of one’s financial success, even in technical
fields such as engineering, is due to communications skills.
14. U.S. Census Bureau of Hiring, Training, and Management Practices conducted a survey of 3,000 employers nationwide. The preferred qualities in job candidates were, rated in order
of importance, attitude, communications skills, previous work
experience, recommendations from current employer, recommendations from previous employer, industry-based credentials,
years of schooling completed, score on interview tests, academic
performance (grades), reputation of applicant’s school, teacher
15. Walsh, Debra G., and Hewitt, Jay. 1985. “Giving Men the
Come-On: Effect of Eye Contact and Smiling in a Bar Environment.” Perceptual and Motor Skills 61(3, Part 1): 873–874.
16. Walters, Lilly. 1995. What to Say When You’re Dying on the
Platform. New York: McGraw-Hill.
17. Axtell, Roger. 1994. Do’s and Taboos Around the World. New
York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
18. Bosrock, Mary. 1997. Put Your Best Foot Forward series.
Minneapolis: International Education Systems.
19. Nwanna, Gladson. 1998. Do’s and Don’ts Around the
World series. Baltimore: World Travel Institute.
20. Byrne, Donn, et al. 1970. “Continuity Between the Experimental Study of Attraction and Real-Life Computer Dating.”
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1:157–165.
21. Fast, Julius. 1970. Body Language. New York: Simon &
22. Fast, Julius. 1991. Subtext: Making Body Language Work in
the Workplace. New York: Viking.
23. Lewis, David. 1989. The Secret Language of Success. New
York: Carroll & Graf Publishers, Inc.
24. Nierenberg, Gerard, and Caliero, Henry. 1993. How to
Read a Person Like a Book. New York: Barnes & Noble Books.
25. Pease, Allan. 1981. Signals: How to Use Body Language for
Power, Success and Love. New York: Bantam Books.
26. Sannito, Thomas, and McGovern, Peter J., 1985. Courtroom Psychology for Trial Lawyers. New York: John Wiley & Sons,
This page intentionally left blank.
✰ About the Author
Leil Lowndes is an internationally acclaimed communications
expert who coaches top executives of Fortune 500 companies as
well as frontline employees to become more effective communicators. She has spoken in pratically every major U.S. city and conducts communications seminars for the U.S. Peace Corps, foreign
governments, and major corporations. In addition to engrossing
audiences on hundreds of TV and radio shows, her work has been
acclaimed by the New York Times, the Chicago Tribune, and Time
magazine. Her articles have appeared in professional journals and
popular publications such as Redbook, New Woman, Psychology
Today, Penthouse, and Cosmopolitan. Based in New York City, she
is the author of many books including the topselling How to Make
Anyone Fall in Love with You and How to Be a People Magnet.
If you come across any communications techniques, send
them to Leil—so she can share them with others. She would love
to hear from you. Her E-mail address is
Would you like more communications techniques from Leil?
Sign up for her complimentary monthly communications hint.
Go to and click on “Subscribe.”
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
Was this manual useful for you? yes no
Thank you for your participation!

* Your assessment is very important for improving the work of artificial intelligence, which forms the content of this project

Download PDF