SPACEBALLS Mel Brooks Once upon a time warp. . . . In a

SPACEBALLS
Mel Brooks
Once upon a time warp. . . .
In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless
race of beings known as . . . Spaceballs.
Chapter Eleven
The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly spuandered
their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every
breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia.
Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownest to the princess,
but knowest to us, danger lurks in the stars above. . .
If you can read this, you don't need glasses.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SPACEBALL 1 passes by at a slow speed. It
takes the ship about two minutes to pass. At the end of the ship is
a bumper sticker that says, “WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY.”
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SANDURZ is standing in the front of the
ship.
RICO Colonel Sandurz.
SANDURZ What is it, Sergeant Rico?
RICO You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in
sight, sir.
SANDURZ So.
RICO Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.
SANDURZ You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
RICO Thanks, sir.
SANDURZ Have you notified Lord Helmet?
RICO Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way.
VOICE (O.S.) Make way for Dark Helmet.
SANDURZ All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.
A door opens revealing DARK HELMET, he resembles Darth Vader,
walking toward camera. He stops in front of camera, and is having
trouble breathing with the mask down.
HELMET (pulls mask up) I can't breathe in this thing.
SANDURZ We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
HELMET Good. I'll call Spaceball City, and notify President Skroob
immediately.
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RICO I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
HELMET What? You went over my helmet?
RICO Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always
call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
HELMET (puts on Schwartz ring)
RICO Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not
that. (covers his neck)
HELMET (pulls mask down) Yes. That. (shoots a green ray at Rico's
crouch)
RICO Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww!
GUARDS take him away. HELMET Sandurz.
SANDURZ (covers his crouch) Sir?
HELMET I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?
SANDURZ We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on the
radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?
HELMET Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.
HELMET and SANDURZ walk to the radar screen. HELMET stops in front
of the coffee maker.
SANDURZ Very good, sir. HELMET What's the matter with this thing?
What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen.
SANDURZ No, sir. We call it, “Mr. Coffee” (points at
label, “Mr. Coffee”) Care for some?
HELMET Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
SANDURZ Of course I do, sir. HELMET Everybody knows that.
EVERYBODY (covers their crouch) Of course we do, sir.
HELMET (takes coffee) Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch
radar. Where is it?
SANDURZ (points to label “Mr. Radar”) Right here, sir.
HELMET Switch to teleview.
RADAR changes to a picture of Planet Druidia.
HELMET There it is, Planet Druidia, and underneath the air shield,
ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air
shield.
SANDURZ We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her
father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield.
Thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
HELMET Everybody got that. Good! When will the princess be married?
SANDURZ Within the hour, sir.
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HELMET Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a
short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm.
SANDURZ hits his back. HELMET spits out coffee and his mask falls
down. HELMET (mask down) Hot! Too hot!
PLANET DRUIDIA - EXT. CHAPLE - DAY Sign reads, “Today, the
Royal Wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium. Tomorrow,
Bingo.”
INT. CHAPLE - DAY The USHER is fixing something on KING ROLAND'S
outfit. PRINCESS VESPA is pacing.
ROLAND Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day. All
right, is everyone ready?
USHER Yes, your majesty.
VESPA No! Where's my droid of honor?
USHER Oh dear, yes. Where's Dot? Dot? Dot Matrix? Oh, thank god.
Where've you been?
DOT Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited,
I couldn't hold my oil.
USHER All right, people. It's magic time.
ROLAND All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his
right foot out)
VESPA Daddy that's your right foot.
ROLAND It's too late. Keep going.
They start walking down the aisle. The organ is playing “Here
Comes the Bride.”
VESPA (stops) Daddy.
Organ player stops.
VESPA Must I go through with this.
ROLAND I'm sorry, my dear, you have to.
They start walking again. The organ starts up again.
VESPA (stops) But, daddy.
Organ stops again.
VESPA I don't love him.
ROLAND I'm sorry, Vespa, he's the last prince left in the galaxy.
VALIUM yawns. They reach the altar.
MINISTER Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous
occasion, to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland....
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VESPA starts running toward the door, while Dot is dragging behind.
MINISTER ....going right past the alter, heading down the ramp, and
out the door.
ROLAND Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!
EXT. CHAPEL - DAY VESPA and DOT come out of the chapel. They head
for the getaway car.
DOT Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop?
They get to the car. VESPA opens the door.
DOT What are you doing?
VESPA (starts to get in the getaway car) No questions, Dot. Get in.
Car starts up, and the ramp starts to tilt upward. Everyone else
comes out of the chapel.
ROLAND What is she doing? Where is she going?
The car takes off toward space.
VALIUM Come baaaaack! (yawns while saying back)
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE The Eagle 5 is a Winnebago with wings. BARF is
eating ice cream and dancing to music. BARF is a mog. He's half man,
half dog. LONE STARR is at the wheel, asleep. LONE STARR is drunk.
He is a normal human. “AUTOMATIC PILOT” is flashing. The
phone starts ringing.
LONE STARR (wakes up) Barf. Barf. Barf!
BARF Huh?
LONE STARR(O.S) Barf!
BARF Always when I'm eating.
BARF puts down the ice cream, and picks up some Milkbones.
LONE STARR Barf!
BARF What can I do you for, boss?
LONE STARR Where ya been?
BARF Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You want some? (offers a
Milkbone to Lone Starr)
LONE STARR No!
BARF C'mon. A little hair on the dot.
LONE STARR Answer that for me. Will ya?
BARF Ah, sure. (hits Lone Starr with his tail)
LONE STARR Will you watch that thing?
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BARF Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio. That way they won't see
ya. (hits the video switch) Yello.
VINNIE appears on the screen. VINNIE is a half robot, half man.
VINNIE Hello, Lone Starr.
BARF Sorry, wrong switch.
LONE STARR Hello, Vinnie, what do you want?
VINNIE No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what he wants.
BARF & LONE STARR Pizza the Hut.
PIZZA THE HUT is half man, half pizza.
PIZZA Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his side kick, Puke.
BARF That's Barf.
PIZZA Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?
LONE STARR Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
PIZZA No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
LONE STARR A hundred thousand spacebucks, by tomorrow?
PIZZA A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late
charges, which brings it up to, um, one million spacebucks.
LONE STARR A million? That's unfair.
PIZZA Unfair to pay all, but enough to pay eee, but you gonna pay
it, or else.
BARF Or else what?
PIZZA Tell 'em, Vinnie.
VINNIE Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.
VINNIE & PIZZA (laughs)
VINNIE takes a lick off of Pizza.
VINNIE Mmmm. You're delicious.
PIZZA Chow, boys.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA is listening to music in headphones.
DOT Can we talk? Okay, we all know Prince Valium is pilled, but you
could've married him for your father's sake, and have a headache for
the next 25 years.
VESPA can't hear her.
DOT Will you turn that thing off.
VESPA What? (takes off the headphones) What is it?
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DOT I was saying, do realize what you've done.
VESPA Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the
headphones back on)
DOT I wonder if she's glad.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB is
talking to someone on the phone.
SKROOB Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Spaceball, I can
assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air
shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor
myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye.
(hangs up phone) Shithead.
He opens a desk drawer. It has a lot of cans in it. He takes one and
opens it. The can says, “Perrier Salt-Free Air.” He starts
breathing the air.
COMMANDERETTE (appears on the wall) President Skroob.
SKROOB (throws can behind him and closes the drawer) Yes.
COMMANDERETTE This is Central Control, Spaceball Commanderette
Zarican speaking, sir.
SKROOB Yes, what is it Commanderette?
COMMANDERETTE Lord Helmet has informed us that Princess Vespa is in
sight, and Spaceball 1 is closing in on her.
SKROOB Good, good.
COMMANDERETTE We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if
you wish to observe.
SKROOB I'll be down immediately.
COMMANDERETTE Shall I have Snotty beam you down? SKROOB I don't
about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
COMMANDERETTE Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was
wonderful.
SKROOB All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on
Star Trek. (steps into the beaming pod)
COMMANDERETTE Snotty, beam him down.
SNOTTY (O.S.) Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
SKROOB beams out of his office.
INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT SKROOB reappears. His head is on
backwards.
VOICE(O.S.) Gees feesetes, what's happened to his head?
COMMANDERETTE It's on backwards.
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SKROOB This is terrible. Do something.
SNOTTY I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverter
malfunction.
SKROOB (lifts up the tail on his suit) Why didn't somebody tell me
ass was so big.
Everyone else looks and snickers.
SNOTTY Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the
interlocking system.
SKROOB scratches his leg.
SNOTTY (flipping switches) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock lone.
SKROOB beams out.
INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB reappears, back to
normal. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
COMMANDERETTE Are you all right, Mr. President.
SKROOB Fine, fine, no thanks to you.
COMMANDERETTE We'll beam you back, sir.
SKROOB Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna
walk. (walks through the door)
INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT
COMMANDERETTE President Skroob, Salute.
ALL (salute) Hail Skroob!
SKROOB salutes.
CHARLENE & MARLENE Hello, President Skroob.
SKROOB Oh, uh. Hello, Charlene.
MARLENE I'm Marlene.
SKROOB Hello, Marlene.
CHARLENE I'm Charlene.
SKROOB Chew your gum. Where's the Princess.
COMMANDERETTE Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen of
the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred light
leagues per minute.
SKROOB Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Helmet he must
take the Princess alive.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE In front of Spaceball 1 is Vespa's car.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SANDURZ and HELMET are standing in the
front.
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SANDURZ Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.
HELMET (mask down) Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.
Guns start firing.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA takes off the headphones. The car is
shaking.
VESPA What's going on?
DOT It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us.
VESPA Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up
phone)
DOT What you doing?
VESPA I'm calling my father. 1-800-DRUIDIA. (dials the phone)
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
HELMET (lifts up mask) Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose,
not up it.
GUNNER (lifts up eye guard) Sorry, sir. (he is cross-eyed) Doing my
best.
HELMET Who made that man a gunner?
MAJOR I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too)
HELMET Who is he?
SANDURZ He's an Asshole, sir.
HELMET I know that. What's his name?
SANDURZ That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
HELMET And his cousin?
SANDURZ He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip
Asshole.
HELMET How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?
All, but few, stand up.
ALL Yo!
HELMET I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. (pulls down mask) Keep
firing, Assholes.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - CAR VESPA is on the phone.
VESPA Hurry, Daddy, hurry. They're laser blasts all around us. I'm
so scared.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
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ROLAND'S VOICE King Roland to Lone Starr. King Roland to Lone Starr.
Are you there?
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LONE STARR and BARF are talking to ROLAND on
the phone.
ROLAND Lone Starr, you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter.
She's being attacked by Spaceballs.
LONE STARR Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm
already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.
BARF Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it.
It's just we got this thing about them. It's not us.
ROLAND Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save her. I'll
give anything. Did you her me? Anything.
BARF Anything?
ROLAND Yes! Anything!
LONE STARR Okay, we'll do it for a million.
ROLAND A million?
BARF Whoa, you startin' to fade here. We're losing picture, your
highness.
ROLAND All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.
LONE STARR All right, King, you just made a deal.
BARF One princess for one million spacebucks.
LONE STARR What's she drivin'?
ROLAND A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. Moon
roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid
cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He
was very nice to me.
LONE STARR We get the idea. Where was she last seen.
ROLAND She was just passing Jupiter 2.
LONE STARR We'll find her.
ROLAND Please, bring her back safely. And, if it's all possible, try
to save the car. (disappears off T.V.)
BARF One million spacebucks. We'll be able to pay off Pizza the Hut.
LONE STARR Gimmie paw.
BOTH (hawl like a dog) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Spaceball 1 fires their magnetic beam at
Vespa's car.
VESPA What's happening? What's that glow? We're not moving.
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DOT Oh, we're moving all right, backwards.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR Look, there's our princess. She's got company.
BARF Oh, no, Spaceballs. And they've already got her in their
magnetic beam. Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just
throw her in reverse, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for the
reverse switch)
LONE STARR (stops him) Barf. No. Bad.
BARF Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess?
I know we need the money...
LONE STARR Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing
it for a shit load of money!
BARF Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you,
you're always right. Okay, we save her, but how? The minute we move
in there, they're spot us on their radar.
LONE STARR Uh-uh.
BARF Uh-huh.
LONE STARR Uh-uh.
BARF Uh-huh.
LONE STARR Uh-uh, not if we jam it.
BARF Ah, ha! You're right.
LONE STARR Down scope.
BARF Down scope.
The scope comes down. BARF looks through the scope and focuses on
the radar.
BARF Radar, about to be jammed.
Jam comes flying and crashes the radar.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE The radar is screwing up. The RADAR
TECHNICIAN is trying to figure out the problem.
RADAR TECH. (he is making the sound effects) Shit. (makes more sound
effects and dials phone) Sir? (in microphone)
SANDURZ What is it?
RADAR TECH. (O.S.) (in microphone) Can I talk to for a minute,
please, sir.
SANDURZ & HELMET (walk over to him)
SANDURZ Well.
RADAR TECH. (in microphone) I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
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SANDURZ You don't need that, Private, we're right here. (hangs up
microphone) Now, what is it?
RADAR TECH. (in microphone voice) I'm having trouble with radar,
sir.
HELMET (rips out the microphone-mask up) Now, what is it?
RADAR TECH. I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
HELMET What's wrong with it?
RADAR TECH. I've lost the bleeps, I've the lost the sweeps, and I've
lost the creeps.
HELMET The what?
SANDURZ The what?
HELMET And the what?
RADAR TECH. You know. The bleeps, (makes bleeps sounds) the sweeps,
(makes sweeps sounds) and the creeps. (makes creeps sounds)
HELMET (to Sandurz) That's not he's lost.
RADAR TECH. Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be....
Jam starts dripping down the screen.
RADAR TECH. ....jammed.
HELMET Jammed? (takes a taste of the jam) Raspberry. There's only
one man who would dare give me the raspberry. (pulls down mask) Lone
Starr!
CAMERA hits HELMET. HELMET falls backwards.
INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Eagle 5 comes in on top of Vespa's car.
There's a thump on the car.
VESPA What was that?
BARF knocks on the door.
DOT Nevermind that. What was that?
The roof opens revealing BARF smiling.
VESPA & DOT Ah.
BARF Hi.
VESPA Who are you?
BARF Barf.
DOT Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
BARF Na, that's my name. Barf.
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VESPA Barf? What are you?
BARF I'm a mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
VESPA What do you want?
BARF Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save ya. C'mon ,
we gotta hop up this ladder and get outta here.
DOT Go, hurry, quick, darling, follow the dog.
BARF Mog. I'm a mog.
VESPA Wait. What about my matched luggage?
BARF starts whimpering.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - LADDER - SPACE VESPA is climbing up, followed by DOT,
then BARF with a load of luggage.
DOT Hey. Stop looking up my can.
BARF Sorry.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LONE STARR looks back at BARF. BARF still has a
load of luggage on him.
LONE STARR Checking in? What the hell is all that?
BARF (with strap in mouth) It's her royal highness's matched
luggage.
LONE STARR(O.S.) What?
BARF (takes strap out of mouth) Her royal highness's matched
luggage.
LONE STARR Matched luggage, huh? What's she think this is....
BARF hits him with tail.
LONE STARR ....a princess cruise.
BARF Well, she wouldn't go without it.
LONE STARR Oh, yeah? (picks up microphone)
BARF hits him again.
LONE STARR (in microphone) Now hear this, as soon as we get outta
hear, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
DOT What was that?
VESPA (turns on intercom) Now you hear this, whoever you are, you
will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty
cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.
LONE STARR (in microphone) Listen. On this ship, I don't take
orders, I give 'em. This is my dream boat, sweetheart.
VESPA Sweetheart?
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DOT Uh-oh.
VESPA How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the
proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Vespa, daughter
of Roland, King of the Druids.
LONE STARROh. That's all we needed, a Drewish princess.
BARF Funny. She doesn't look Drewish.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE Vespa's car is coming through the floor.
SANDURZ and HELMET come in.
HELMET (mask down) Now, we will show her who is in charge of this
galaxy. GUARD cocks weapon.
HELMET Hold it. I'll handle this personally.
GUARD Ya-ho, Lord Helmet.
HELMET (looks at him) So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could
outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were
wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will held hostage until
such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to
ours.
HELMET opens the door and looks inside. He lifts his mask up.
HELMET (mask up) She's not in there.
ALL drop guns and cover their crouch.
VOICE (O.S.) Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a
Winnebago.
HELMET Winnebago? Lone Starr. Lone Starr!
HELMET bangs on the car. The door falls on him, pushing him inside.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE Spaceball 1 is coming on the radar.
LONE STARR Uh-oh. Here comes the the bad year blimp.
BARF We'd better get outta here in a hurry.
LONE STARR Switch to secret hyperjets.
BARF Switching to secret hyperjets.
LONE STARR (in microphone) Buckle up back there, we're going into
hyperactive.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE HELMET and SANDURZ are standing in front.
EAGLE 5 is in front of them.
SANDURZ We're closing in on them, sir. In less than minute, Lone
Starr will be ours.
HELMET (mask down) Good. Prepare to attack.
SANDURZ Prepare to attack.
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HELMET On the count of three. One, two....
Eagle 5 takes off into hyperactive.
HELMET Wait. (lifts up mask) What happened? Where are they?
SANDURZ I don't know, sir. They must have hyperjets on that thing.
HELMET And what have we got on this thing a quezinart.
SANDURZ No, sir.
HELMET Well, find them catch them.
SANDURZ Yes, sir. (over loudspeaker) Prepare ship
for light speed.
HELMET No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
SANDURZ Light speed, too slow?
HELMET Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
ALL gasp.
SANDURZ (gasp) Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast
before. I don't know if this ship can take it.
HELMET What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken?
SANDURZ (in high pitch) Prepare ship, (back to normal) prepare ship
for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and
exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure
all animals in the zoo....
HELMET (takes the microphone) Gimme that you peddy excuse for an
officer.
SANDURZ sits in his seat and buckles up.
HELMET (in microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous speed....
SANDURZ Sir, hadn't you better buckle up.
HELMET Aah, buckle this. (in microphone) Ludicrous speed, Go!
The ship takes off. The display lights up: Light Speed, Ridiculous
Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. Helmet is being pulled back.
HELMET Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE Spaceball 1 passes over them leaving a plaid
shadow.
BARF What the hell was that?
LONE STARR Spaceball 1.
BARF They've gone to plaid.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE
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HELMET We passed them. Stop this thing.
SANDURZ We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down
first.
HELMET Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Stooooop!
SANDURZ pulls on emergency brake which reads, “Emergency Stop,
never use.” The ship stops and HELMET goes flying into a panel.
SANDURZ (picks Helmet up) Are you all right, sir?
HELMET Fine. How've you been?
SANDURZ Fine, sir.
HELMET Good.
SANDURZ It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
HELMET Yeah.
SANDURZ What should we do now, sir?
HELMET Well, are we stopped?
SANDURZ We're stopped, sir.
HELMET Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break.
SANDURZ Very good, sir.
HELMET Smoke if you got 'em. (falls forward)
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
LONE STARR Take her out of hyperactive. BARF Takin' her out of
hyperactive. (pulls down switch) Ah, congrads, boss, we did it. They
must of overshot us by a week and a half.
LONE STARR (laughs) Okay, let's set a course for Druidia.
BARF Settin' a course for (Eagle 5 starts shaking) Drui, ie, ie, ie.
LONE STARR What's that?
BARF I don't know. I don't know. We're losing power. Why? 'Cause
we're outta gas.
LONE STARR We must've burned it up in hyperactive.
BARF I told you we should've put more that five bucks worth in.
LONE STARR Okay, we'll have to set her down. Prepare for emergency
landing. Quick, give me a reading.
BARF (prays) How, oh Father, be in heaven. Thou will be Thy name, by
kingdom come....
LONE STARR Will you stop that? (in microphone) Keep your seat belts
fastened back there. You okay, princess.
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VESPA No, you idiot. Where'd you learn how to fly.
LONE STARR Okay, Eagle 5, coming in.
MOON OF VEGA - EXT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY Eagle 5 starts coming
down on the sands of Vega. INT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY BARF is
panicing.
BARF Ahh. Left, right, I mean right. Pull up, pull up.
They crash on a sand dune.
VESPA gets up.
DOT Where you going?
VESPA I'm going to tell him off once and for all.
DOT Wwwwwwwait. We'll need him to get us outta here.
LONE STARR Called me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a
few things to her.
DOT Besides, he's gotta a sexy voice. He might be cute.
BARF Yeah, but, you don't know what she looks like.
LONE STARR I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess,
you've seen 'em all.
VESPA Cute? I know these space bums. They're all alike. Fat,
ugly....
LONE STARR Bucked-toothed, knocked-knees....
VESPA ....bear-swilling, pigs.
LONE STARR ....horse-faced, space dogs. (gets up and goes to the
back)
BARF Yeah, well, I normally I'd, (gets up with seat belt still on)
ow, that's gonna leave a mark.
VESPA Now listen you....
LONE STARR You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as idiot
not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean.
VESPA And you will not call me you. You will never address me as
you. You will call me your royal highness.
LONE STARR You are royal pain in the....
BARF Whoa, hold it, time.
LONE STARR & VESPA What?
BARF May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, Spaceballs is
gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all dead.
LONE STARR He's right. Let's go.
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VESPA Wait. My things.
LONE STARR Listen, you royal....
VESPA Mmmm.
LONE STARR ....highness. Take only what need to survive.
BARF Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
DESERT - DAY VESPA is walking down with an umbrella. DOT is
following her with a cart. LONE STARR and BARF are following with a
trunk.
DOT Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears.
BARF Gees. I hope she didn't forget anything.
LONE STARR All right, wait a minute, Barf, put it down. What the
hell's in this thing. LONE STARR opens the trunk and pulls out a
huge hair dryer.
LONE STARR What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.
VESPA It's my industrial strength hair dryer, and I can't live
without it.
LONE STARR Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy-tale is over.
Welcome to real-life. You want this hot-air machine, you carry it.
(drops it in the sand)
VESPA You pick that up.
LONE STARR You pick that up.
VESPA How dare you, you insolent peasant. Nobody talks to me that
way. Nobody. Nobody. (echoes)
LONE STARR Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her.
BARF Oooooo.
LONE STARR Those flashy eyes. Those flushy cheeks. Those trembling
lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're angry.
DOT Uh-oh.
VESPA That's it. You and your dog are f....
BARF Please, please. Total humans, droids, if I may. It's going to
be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the
night.
DOT Come darling.
DOT and VESPA walk away pulling some luggage. LONE STARR and BARF
walk off with the trunk. They leave the hair dryer behind. LONE
STARR See, it's lighter.
BARF Oh yeah. This is best. I could carry two of three of these.
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INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE HELMET, SANDURZ, and CORPORAL are watching
the radar.
HELMET (mask down) Have you found them yet?
CORPORAL No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanners.
HELMET Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee through his mask)
SANDURZ Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video
cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie.
CORPORAL Yes, sir.
CORPORAL walks to a wall labeled, “Mr. Rental.” The wall
opens. He looks through the selections.
HELMET Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?
SANDURZ Yes, sir.
HELMET (lifts up mask) How could there be a cassette of Spaceballsthe Movie. We're still in the middle of making it.
SANDURZ That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in
home-video marketing.
HELMET There has?
SANDURZ Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the
movie is finished.
HELMET Naaaaa.
CORPORAL Here it is, sir. Spaceballs.
SANDURZ Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.
CORPORAL starts the tape. It starts on the FBI Warning.
SANDURZ Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.
CORPORAL Preparing to fast-forward.
SANDURZ Fast-forward.
CORPORAL Fast-forwarding, sir.
Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed scene. Helmet is
thrown into the panel at a high-speed.
HELMET Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play
this again.
SANDURZ Try here. Stop.
The movie stops at the exact same thing that is actually happening
now. HELMET looks at the camera, then he turns back to the monitor.
SANDURZ looks at the camera when HELMET looks back at the monitor,
then he looks back at the monitor. HELMET looks at the camera when
SANDURZ looks back at the monitor. When HELMET turns back, he waves
his hand. He turns back to the camera.
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HELMET What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the
movie?
SANDURZ Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens
now, is happening now.
HELMET What happened to then?
SANDURZ We passed then?
HELMET When?
SANDURZ Just now. We're at now, now.
HELMET Go back to then.
SANDURZ When?
HELMET Now.
SANDURZ Now?
HELMET Now.
SANDURZ I can't.
HELMET Why?
SANDURZ We missed it.
HELMET When?
SANDURZ Just now.
HELMET When will then be now?
CORPORAL rewinds the tape. He stops at the point when LONE STARR,
BARF, VESPA, and DOT are walking through the desert.
SANDURZ Soon.
HELMET How soon?
CORPORAL Sir.
HELMET What?
CORPORAL We've identified their location.
HELMET Where?
CORPORAL It's the Moon of Vega.
SANDURZ Good work. Set a course, and prepare for
our arrival.
HELMET When?
CORPORAL Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.
SANDURZ By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
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HELMET Hoooooo. (mask falls down)
DESERT - NIGHT DOT is sleeping with a light going that says,
“Sleep Mode.” VESPA is cold and trying to keep warm. LONE
STARR offers her his coat.
VESPA No thank you. I'm perfectly all right.
LONE STARR Take it. It's freezing (puts the jacket on her)
VESPA If you insist. (smells the alcohol on the coat) Won't you be
cold?
LONE STARR Na, cold never bothers me.
VESPA I can't seem to find Druidia.
LONE STARR It's right there.
VESPA Where?
LONE STARR Right there. (points to a blue star) It's that bright,
blue one, right there. See?
VESPA Oh, yeah. But it's so far away.
LONE STARR Don't worry. I'll get ya there.
VESPA Which one's yours?
LONE STARR Who knows.
VESPA You don't know where your from?
LONE STARR Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.
VESPA Monastery? Where?
LONE STARR Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.
VESPA Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents?
LONE STARR They couldn't. They took a vowel of silence. All I got
was this.
He pulls a medallion out from his shirt. It has some type of
writing. LONE STARR It was around my neck.
VESPA What is it?
LONE STARR I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the
universe. No one can tell me what it means.
VESPA It's beautiful. You know I.... It's beautiful.
LONE STARR puts the medallion back in his shirt.
LONE STARR So, how come you ran away from your wedding?
VESPA Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom.
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LONE STARR Why were you gonna marry him?
VESPA Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince. LONE
STARR Ah, and he doesn't do it for you, huh?
VESPA No, he doesn't do it for me. I really must go back. I
shouldn't have run away. I realize, now, that love is one luxury a
princess cannot afford.
LONE STARR You're probably right.
VESPA I know, now, that I must live without love.
LONE STARR I guess so.
VESPA Besides, love isn't that important.
LONE STARR Naaa, never was.
VESPA I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love.
(looks at him)
LONE STARR Sure you could.
VESPA Without physical contact.
LONE STARR Yeah.
VESPA Without being held. (moves closer to him)
LONE STARR Yeah. (moves in closer)
VESPA Or kissed.
VESPA and LONE STARR are about to kiss when an alarm starts going
off. DOT'S Virgin Alarm is going off.
BARF (wakes up) Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women and mogs first.
DOT walks over to VESPA and LONE STARR. DOT We'll have none of that,
mister. (to Vespa) How far did he get? Where'd he touch? Where'd he
touch?
VESPA Nothing happened.
LONE STARR What the hell was that noise?
DOT That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you
do. You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend....
LONE STARR All right. All right. Let's all get some sleep. We gotta
get moving before dawn.
BARF Why so early?
LONE STARR Because, we're in the middle of the desert, and we're not
gonna get far once that blazing sun gets overhead.
DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.
BARF'S VOICE Nice dissolve.
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DESERT - MORNING LONE STARR is walking, followed by BARF, DOT, then
VESPA. They are all getting tired.
LONE STARR Water, water.
BARF (panting) Water.
DOT Oil, oil.
VEPSA Room service, room service.
DISSOLVE TO: A blazing sun.
DESERT - DAY LONE STARR is carrying VESPA. BARF is carrying DOT.
VESPA and DOT are asleep. BARF and LONE STARR are really tired.
BARF I can't, I can't, I can't go, I can't go any further. I can't
go any further.
LONE STARR Just one more dune to go.
BARF Nope. you said that three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh,
waiter, check please. (falls down)
LONE STARR Must go on. Must go on. Must go on. Who am I kidding.
(drops Vespa then falls down)
The DINKS walk on the screen. They are short people with goldbrownish skin.
DINKS (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink....
DINKS see LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT lying on the ground. They
go to their aid.
HEAD DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
DINKS split up and start giving water and oil to VESPA, LONE STARR,
BARF, and DOT.
DINK (with Barf) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink,
dink, dink, dink.
BARF'S TAIL starts wagging.
DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink.
BARF Oh, thanks little guy. (starts lapping the water)
LONE STARR Thank you.
DINKS Dink, dink, dink.
LONE STARR Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, and BARF are being led by the DINKS to
somewhere.
DINKS (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,
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dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
DESERT - HELMET'S CRUISER - DAY HELMET and SANDURZ are in a cruiser.
HELMET is standing up, looking though binoculars. He has different
type of uniform with a different type of helmet.
HELMET (mask on) I don't see them, Sandurz.
SANDURZ I've sent the troops on up to Vector 78, sir.
HELMET Good. Let's get moving.
SANDURZ Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.
HELMET What are you preparing. You're always preparing. Just go!
SANDURZ Just go.
DRIVER Yes, sir.
SANDURZ Sir, shouldn't you sit down.
The cruiser takes off, and HELMET is thrown in his seat.
EXT. TEMPLE - DAY The DINKS are opening a secret door in the sand,
and lead LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT inside. They walk down a
set of stairs.
INT. TEMPLE - DAY
DINKS Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.
BARF What are they sayin'?
VESPA Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.
They start walking down a tunnel with a huge statue at the end.
VESPA What is this place?
BARF It looks like the Temple of Doom.
DOT Sure ain't Temple Bethresel.
LONE STARR C'mon. I think we'd better follow 'em.
Steam starts coming out of the ears of the statue.
BARF Ah-oh. I think we woke it up.
DOT Goodbye, folks. (turns around and starts running to the door)
Let me know how it turns out.
VESPA Comeback here, Dot. We need you.
LONE STARR C'mon, we gotta keep going.
VESPA What's gonna happen now?
LONE STARR Don't ask, maybe it won't.
BARF Well, what if it does? I don't about know about you, but I'm
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all for leaving. I think we oughtta get outta here....
Fire comes out of the statue's eyes.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, & BARF Wow!
YOGURT'S VOICE Silence! Who dares enter the sacred and awesome
presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, & BARF Yogurt?
The bottom of the statue opens up. A small man about 3 feet tall
comes out.
YOGURT You heard of me?
LONE STARR Heard of ya? Who hasn't of Yogurt?
VESPA Yogurt, the wise.
DOT Yogurt, the all powerful. BARF Yogurt, the magnificent.
YOGURT Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just plain Yogurt.
LONE STARR But you're the one....
YOGURT Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known
throughout the universe, known as....
BARF The force?
YOGURT No. The Schwartz.
LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, & BARF The Schwartz?
YOGURT Yes. The Schwartz.
He holds his Schwartz ring. His is different than the ring HELMET
has.
LONE STARR But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is that you do
here?
YOGURT Merchandising.
BARF Merchandising? What's that?
YOGURT Merchandising. Come. I'll show. Open up this door.
DINKS open a slab in the wall. In it, is a whole bunch of
“Spaceballs - The Movie” merchandise.
YOGURT Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the
pictures name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the
real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt,
Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballsthe Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower. (turns it on)
DINKS Ooooooo.
YOGURT The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Spaceballs - the
Doll. (hold up a doll of himself) Me. (pulls on the string)
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YOGURT DOLL May the Schwartz be with you.
DINKS giggle. YOGURT Adorable.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BEDROOM - NIGHT MARLENE &
CHARLENE are in Skroob's bed. SKROOB is under “Spaceballs - the
Sheet” fondling the twins. MARLENE & CHARLENE Wew, wew,
wew, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ohh, weeew....
COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.
COMMANDERETTE President Skroob.
MARLENE & CHARLENE hide under the sheet. SKROOB comes out from
under the sheet. He is holding a book upside-down.
SKROOB What is it? COMMANDERETTE I have an urgent message from Lord
Helmet. He's lost the princess.
SKROOB Where?
COMMANDERETTE Somewhere on the sands of Vega.
SKROOB Tell him to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert.
COMMANDERETTE Yes, sir.
MOON OF VEGA - DESERT - DAY Six guards are moving large combs across
the desert. HELMET and SANDURZ are in the cruiser.
SANDURZ Sir.
HELMET (mask off; in bullhorn) What?
SANDURZ Are we being too literal.
HELMET (in bullhorn) No, you fool. We're following orders. We were
told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.
HELMET puts down the bullhorn and shouts to the troopers.
HELMET (shouts) Found anything yet?
TROOPER WITH COMB Nothing yet, sir. HELMET (shouts) How about you?
TROOPER WITH 2ND COMB Not a thing, sir.
HELMET (shouts) What about you guys?
TROOPER WITH MINI COMB We ain't found shit.
INT. TEMPLE - DAY YOGURT and LONE STARR are standing in front the
big statue. LONE STARR is showing YOGURT his medallion.
LONE STARR It's a big mystery. None of the wise men can tell me what
it means.
YOGURT Wise men, pa sha. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know.
Here, let me take a look. (he takes the medallion) Whuck, whuck,
munuck, munck, muck, muck.
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LONE STARR You can read it?
YOGURT No, I was just clearing my throat. Here, let me take look at
this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.
LONE STARR You understand it?
YOGURT Yes.
LONE STARR What's it say?
YOGURT I cannot tell you that now. It will be revealed to you at the
proper time.
LONE STARR Great. (puts the medallion back in his shirt)
YOGURT C'mon, don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training.
Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue.
LONE STARR (puts the ring on) Okay, but I still don't understand how
I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
YOGURT Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz.
LONE STARR points the ring to statue.
YOGURT C'mon, concentrate. Ooghuh, ooghugh. ooghuh.
The statue starts lifting off the ground.
YOGURT Lone Starr, you're doing it. You're doing it. (laughs)
LONE STARR I can't believe it. The Schwartz, it's working.
BARF walks by the statue and puts his foot under it.
BARF Hey, boss, how'd you do that?
LONE STARR puts the ring down. The statue falls on Barf's toe.
BARF Whaoooooooooooooo! Whao, whao, whao, ahhhh, who, who, whooo. .
..
YOGURT Gimme the ring. Gimmie the ring.
YOGURT takes the ring from LONE STARR. He points it at the big
statue. YOGURT Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy.
The statue lifts up, and BARF lifts his foot out. It is big and
flat. BARF Owwwwwww, ooooooooooohohoooooo, ooooooo....
LONE STARR Sorry, Barf.
BARF (growls) Oooooooooooooohohooooooo, oooooooooooohohooooooo.
EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHT HELMET is standing next to the secret door. He
can't see because it is covered in sand. SANDURZ is telling the
troops what to do.
SANDURZ Keep searching. (to Helmet) It's no use use, sir. We've
searched everywhere.
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HELMET (mask off) Wait. I feel the presence of the Schwartz.
SANDURZ The Schwartz?
HELMET Yes. It's coming.... (gets his ring out of his pocket and
puts it on)
SANDURZ covers his crouch.
HELMET ....from somewhere down....there.
SANDURZ (bushes away the sand) You're right, sir. There's a secret
entrance here. And look at this insignia, it's a Y.
HELMET Yogurt. Yogurt. I hate Yogurt. Even with strawberries.
SANDURZ I'll call the attack squad, sir.
HELMET No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far
too powerful.
SANDURZ But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
HELMET No, he got the up-side. I got the down-side. You see, there's
two kinds of every Schwartz.
SANDURZ Well, how are we gonna go in there and get her?
HELMET (flips his mask on) We will not go in there. She will come
out to us. (holds up his ring)
INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT VESPA is sleeping in a bed surrounded by
candles. DOT is in Sleep Mode.
ROLAND'S VOICE Vespa. Vespa, my child. Where are you?
VESPA (wakes up) Daddy?
ROLAND'S VOICE Vespa, it's your father, King Roland. Come to me.
VESPA Daddy. Daddy, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you? (starts
walking out the door)
ROLAND'S VOICE Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me.
DOT (wakes up) Vespa, where are you going?
EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHT ROLAND is standing outside in the desert.
ROLAND Vespa, come to me.
VESPA (opens the door and walks on the desert toward Roland) Daddy,
is it really you?
ROLAND Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie?
VESPA Daddy.
DOT walks out and turns on the Supervision Mode.
DOT Oh, Vespa, don't.
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When VESPA reaches to hug ROLAND, he turns into HELMET.
VESPA Ah! Ohhhhh. (faints and falls into Helmet's arms)
HELMET (mask down) Fooled you. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
A guard covers Dot's eyes and she shuts down. HELMET Take them both
aboard, and put the princess in my quarters. (hands her to Sandurz)
SANDURZ Yes sir. (walks off screen with Vespa)
HELMET Now she is mine.
INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF come from their room. The
DINKS are dinking, “They've taken the princess.”
LONE STARR What are they sayin'?
YOGURT They've taken the princess.
LONE STARR and BARF run outside.
EXT. DESERT - NIGHT Spaceball 1 takes off toward space. LONE STARR
and BARF just now get out the door.
LONE STARR Spaceballs, too late.
BARF Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.
DESERT - EAGLE 5 - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF are getting ready to
leave.
LONE STARR Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.
YOGURT You're welcome, and here. (throws a fortune cookie at Lone
Starr) Just encase you get hungry.
LONE STARR (catches it) A fortune cookie?
YOGURT Yes. Remember, open it before you eat it.
LONE STARR Thanks. Well, we'd better get going. I wonder, we will we
ever see each other again.
YOGURT Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II:
The Search for More Money. Good-bye, Lone Starr.
LONE STARR Good-bye, Yogurt.
LONE STARR and YOGURT shake hands. When LONE STARR pulls his hand
back, he pulls back the ring.
LONE STARR The ring of the Schwartz. No, I can't take this.
YOGURT Take it. Take it. You might need it.
LONE STARR Thanks. I'll never forget you. Wish me luck. DINKS Dink,
dink.
LONE STARR climbs into Eagle 5. It starts up and takes off toward
space.
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INT. SPACEBALL 1 - HELMET'S ROOM - SPACE HELMET is apparently
talking to VEPSA.
HELMET (mask up; talking in his mask down voice) So, Princess Vespa.
At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way
I want to.
He is playing with dolls.
HELMET (imitating Vespa) No. No, please, leave me alone. (mask down
voice) No you are mine. (imitating Lone Starr) Not so fast, Helmet.
(mask down voice) Lone Starr. (imitating Lone Starr) Yes, it's me.
I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you
are going to die. (imitating Lone Starr) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating
Barf) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (mask down voice) The same
thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. (imitating Barf) Oh, ohhh.
(mask down voice) And you too. (imitating Dot) Oh, ohh. (mask down
voice) Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. (imitating Vespa)
No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I
find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course you do.
Drewish princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I
have both, and you know it. (imitating Vespa) No, leave me alone.
(mask down voice) No, kiss me. (imitating Vespa) No, yes, no, yes,
yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're helmet is so big.
SANDURZ opens the door behind him.
SANDURZ Lord Helmet.
HELMET (holds all the dolls out of Sandurz's sight) What?
SANDURZ You're needed on the bridge, sir.
HELMET Knock on my door. Knock next time.
SANDURZ Yes, sir.
HELMET Did you see anything?
SANDURZ No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
HELMET Good.
PLANET SPACEBALL - SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BATHROOM - NIGHT
SKROOB is standing in front of the toilet. He is peeing. His back is
to the camera. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall in front of him.
COMMANDERETTE President Skroob.
SKROOB (covers crouch) Aaa. I told you never to call me on this
wall. This is an unlisted wall.
COMMANDERETTE Sorry, sir, but it's very urgent. Princess Vespa has
just been brought to your office, and Lord Helmet and Colonel
Sandurz are awaiting you there.
SKROOB All right, all right. Tell them I'll be right there.
COMMANDERETTE Yes, sir. (salutes)
SKROOB returns salute. He realizes he uncovered his crouch. He
covers it back up. COMMANDERETTE smirks and disappears off the wall.
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SKROOB flushes the toilet and walks out.
INT. SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT HELMET and SANDURZ are talking to
ROLAND on the screen. Behind them is VESPA on a table turned
vertically. Also is DR. SCHLOTKINS, GRETCHEN, and ARNOLD.
ROLAND Helmet, you fiend, what's going on? What are you doing to my
daughter?
HELMET (mask down) Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young
plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest nose-job man in
the entire universe and Beverly-Hills.
SCHLOTKINS Your highness.
ROLAND Nose-job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose. It
was a sweet- 16 present.
HELMET No, it's not what you think. It's much, much, worse. If you
do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins
will give your daughter back (holds up picture) her old nose.
VESPA Nooooooooooooooooooo. Where did you get that?
ROLAND All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.
VESPA No, daddy, no. You mustn't.
ROLAND You're right my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not
tell them the combination no matter what.
HELMET Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst.
SCHLOTKINS My pleasure.
The table turns horizontal. VESPA faints.
ROLAND No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell.
HELMET I knew it would work.
HELMET and SANDURZ go closer to the screen. SANDURZ is going to
write the combination down.
HELMET All right, give to me.
ROLAND The combination is (hesitates) one.
HELMET One.
SANDURZ One. (writes)
ROLAND Two.
HELMET Two.
SANDURZ Two. (writes)
ROLAND Three.
HELMET Three.
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SANDURZ Three (writes)
ROLAND Four.
HELMET Four.
SANDURZ Four. (writes)
ROLAND (hesitates) Five.
HELMET Five.
SANDURZ Five. (writes)
HELMET So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. (lifts
mask) That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life.
That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.
SANDURZ Thank you, your highness.
SANDURZ takes a remote out of his pocket, points it at the wall, and
hits a button. Instead of turning off the wall, he turned off the
whole movie. A blank screen appears. GRETCHEN is making sensual
noises.
HELMET What'd you do?
SANDURZ I turned off the wall.
HELMET No you didn't. You turned off the whole movie.
SANDURZ Well I must have pressed the wrong button.
HELMET Well, turn it back on. Put the movie back on.
SANDURZ Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
The screen comes back on. HELMET and SANDURZ are standing in front.
SCHLOTKINS is kissing on GRETCHEN'S breasts. She is still making
sensual noises.
HELMET We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the
combination. Schlotkins.
SCHLOTKINS (turns around) What?
GRETCHEN zips up her dress.
HELMET We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on
your puts.
SCHLOTKINS Let's go Arnold. Come Gretchen. Of course, you know, I'll
still have to bill you for this.
SCHLOTKINS, ARNOLD, and GRETCHEN walk out the door. GRETCHEN looks
at HELMET and SANDURZ before she walks out.
HELMET I bet she gives great helmet.
SKROOB walks in.
SKROOB Well, did it work? Where's the king?
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HELMET It worked, sir. We have the combination.
SKROOB Great. Now we can take every last breath fresh air from
planet Druidia. What's the combination?
SANDURZ One, two, three, four, five.
SKROOB One, two, three, four, five?
SANDURZ That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure.
SANDURZ Yes, sir.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET start walking out the door.
SKROOB And change the combination on my luggage.
HELMET walks through the door. The door closes on him.
HELMET Aaaaaa.
PLANET SPACEBALL - INT. EAGLE 5 - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF are in
the front. LONE STARR is driving.
BARF There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.
LONE STARR Good. I'm takin' her in.
SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON BALL - NIGHT EAGLE 5 lands on the road.
It is a no parking zone. Two DOOR GUARDS are standing at the door.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD What the hell is that thing?
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD It looks like a Winnebago with wings.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD Gees. Hey you can't park here.
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD Yeah, can't you guys read: No parking.
BARF opens the door and flicks them off. He also makes kissing
noises. BARF is hinting they're lovers.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD That son of a.... (cocks gun)
The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and CHUBBY DOOR GUARD go to the door that
BARF went back in.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD All right, hands up. You're under arrest for
illegal parking.
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD Yeah.
They walk in. The EAGLE 5 starts rocking back and forth. The guards
are shouting. Afterwards, LONE STARR comes out in the SLENDER DOOR
GUARD'S uniform. BARF comes out in the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD'S
uniform. His tail is sticking out the back of the pants. They walk
to the
door. LONE STARR unlocks the door with the key on the uniform. They
walk
in.
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INT. PRISON DOME - FRONT HALL - NIGHT LONE STARR
and BARF walk down a hall. They notice a PRISON GUARD walking down
the
hall towards them. LONE STARR and BARF stand against the wall. The
PRISON
GUARD walks past them. LONE STARR and BARF start walking the way
they were
going. The PRISON GUARD looks back at them. He notices BARF'S TAIL.
He
looks forward again.
PRISON GUARD Nah.
INT. PRISON DOME - ROYAL PRISONS - NIGHT LONE
STARR and BARF walk in. They notice a sign above the doorway. It
says,
“ROYAL PRISONERS ONLY. MAXIMUM SECURITY.”
LONE STARR She's gotta be in one of these cells.
BARF Yeah, but which one.
They search in each door. They open the eye slot
on each door they look through.
BARF No.
LONE STARR No.
VESPA(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows....
LONE STARR It's coming from there.
BARF That can't be her.
LONE STARR and BARF walk towards the cell VESPA'S
singing is coming from.
VESPA(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) ....the trouble
I've seen.
LONE STARR opens the eye slot. He finds VESPA
inside. DOT is sleeping next to her.
VESPA (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows but Jesus.
LONE STARR It's her.
BARF looks in.
VESPA (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows the trouble
I've seen.
BARF She's a bass.
VESPA (sings in deep voice) Glory hallelujah.
LONE STARR opens the door with the key he used
to open the front door. He and BARF walk in. The door closes on
BARF'S
TAIL.
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BARF Hieee.
VESPA What do you what? DOT wakes up.
LONE STARR (takes off helmet) It's me.
BARF (takes off helmet) It's us.
VESPA Lone Starr. How'd you find us?
LONE STARR No time to talk. C'mon.
BARF We gotta move.
DOT Barf. How'd you do it?
LONE STARR pulls VESPA out of the cell. BARF follows
with DOT. They sneak out of the hall.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRISON DOME - INNER HALLS
- NIGHT LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT start to run for the front
door.
LONE STARR stops.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD(O.S) Freeze!
The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD
are standing in the hall with their guns. They are in their
underwear.
SLENDER DOOR GUARD Those are the guys that stole
our uniforms. (cocks gun)
CHUBBY DOOR GUARD And beat the shit out of us,
too. (cocks gun)
LONE STARR cocks his gun. He fires it at the door
guards. The door guards run off. Laser blasts come from another
hall.
LONE STARR Ah-oh, we got company.
LONE STARR kneels down and crawls over to the
opposite wall. VESPA, BARF, and DOT follow. LONE STARR and BARF fire
at
the troopers that are firing at them.
BARF Dammit. That's our only way out.
VESPA We're trapped!
DOT Oh, I hate these movies.
LONE STARR and BARF keep firing at the troopers.
BARF throws his gun down.
BARF I'm outta ammo.
LONE STARR Get back. I'll hold 'em off.
LONE STARR and the TROOPERS keep firing at each
other.
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BARF I got an idea.
BARF walks over to a quad-pipe loop. LONE STARR
stops firing and stands up.
LONE STARR What are you doing?
BARF starts to pull out the pipes.
DOT What's he doing?
BARF pulls out half of the pipes. He takes it
to the hallway where the firing is coming from. He faces the
openings to
the TROOPERS. The TROOPERS fire at BARF. The shots go into the
pipes. They
enter the top and exit the bottom. All the shots hit each TROOPER.
When
each TROOPER is hit, they fall down.
LONE STARR Good work.
Laser blasts come out of another hall.
LONE STARR Ah-oh, more ping-pongs. Run for it.
BARF Let's go.
BARF starts running down a hall. LONE STARR starts
running. VESPA and DOT start running.
VESPA It's closing.
A door in front of them starts closing vertically.
VESPA The door is closing.
LONE STARR Go for the door.
LONE STARR, BARF, DOT, and VESPA jump through
the door just before it closes.
SPACEBALL CITY - INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT TROOPERS
come in through another door. LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT start
to
get up.
TROOPER Don't move, or you're dead! Stand up!
Captain, we've got them!
The CAPTAIN walks in behind them.
CAPTAIN Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all
for not. Turn around please.
LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT turn around.
The stunts of LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT turn around.
CAPTAIN Ha. What a pity. What a pity. So, Princess,
you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of....
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CAPTAIN looks at VESPA with his mouth open. VESPA'S
STUNT is a man with a cigar in his mouth.
CAPTAIN You idiots! These are not them. You've
captured their stunt doubles! Search the area. Find them! Find them!
SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON DOME - NIGHT The
real BARF, LONE STARR, VESPA, and DOT come out of the PRISON DOME.
LONE
STARR is firing at TROOPERS that follows them out the door. A laser
blast
hits the lock on a door of the EAGLE 5. BARF runs over to the that
door.
He tries to open it.
VESPA Open the door.
BARF I can't. It's fused.
VESPA Well, what about this one? (pulls on another
door)
BARF It's locked.
VESPA Well, where are the keys?
BARF Inside.
VESPA Oh, great!
LONE STARR Duck!
BARF, DOT, and VESPA lean against the EAGLE 5.
LONE STARR runs back towards the door that's fused. He hands his gun
to
VESPA.
LONE STARR Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the
door.
VESPA I ain't shootin' this thing. I hate guns.
A TROOPER fires at VESPA'S hair. The laser blast
hits it.
DOT Ah.
VESPA My hair. He shot my hair. Son of a bitch.
(cocks gun)
VEPSA walks toward the TROOPERS. She starts firing
at the them. She hits every one of them. BARF and LONE STARR look
up.
BARF Holy shit.></P>
VESPA (blows the barrel) How was that.
LONE STARR Not bad.
BARF Not bad for a girl.
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DOT Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.
VESPA Let's blow this joint.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE There are foot steps
running somewhere on the ship.
INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SKROOB is running down
the ship towards HELMET and SANDURZ.
VOICE(O.S.) President Skroob. Salute.
ALL Hail Skroop. (salute)
SKROOB (stops running) The ship is too big. If
I walk, the movie would be over.
SANDURZ Sir?
SKROOB Yes, uuh.
SKROOB looks at HELMET. HELMET'S mask is down.
><FONT COLOR="#FF0080">SKROOB Never have that damn thing down in
front
of me. How do I know you're not making faces at me under there.
HELMET lifts up his mask. He sticks his tongue
out at SKROOB.
SANDURZ President Skroob
SKROOB Yes.
HELMET puts his tongue back in his mouth.
SANDURZ There it is: Planet Druidia.
SKROOB Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years
of fresh air.
HELMET (mask up; to Sandurz) The way he runs things,
it last a hundred.
SKROOB What?
HELMET shrugs.
SANDURZ We're beginning metamorphosis, sir.
SKROOB Good. Get on with it.
HELMET Ready, Kafka?
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE LONE STARR,
BARF, VESPA, and DOT are sitting up front. LONE STARR is driving.
LONE STARR Look. It's Spaceball 1. They've reached
the air shield.
DOT And it's opening.
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BARF How they gonna get the air out? I don't see
any hoses or anything.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE SPACEBALL
1 begins to move. It starts to change form.
VESPA(O.S.) What's happening? The ship it's changing.
SPACEBALL 1 keeps on changing. Arms start to grow
out of the side. The rockets turn into feet.
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
BARF Oh my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's
a transformer.
EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT DRUIDIA - SPACE The front
of the ship starts to turn over.
DOT(O.S.) It's changing into....
BARF(O.S.) ....a gigantic....
The front turns over to reveal a head similar
the Statue of Liberty's head. SPACEBALL 1 has changed into a Statue
of
Liberty with a maid's outfit and a vacuum cleaner.
VESPA(O.S.) ....maid.
LONE STARR(O.S.) With a vacuum cleaner.
BARF(O.S.) So that's how they're gonna to get
the air out.
INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE The
front of the ship is almost the same, except for the escape pods at
the
top.
SANDURZ Metamorphoses is completed, sir. Spaceball
1 has now become.... (looks at the timpanist) The TIMPANIST plays a
sort
of fanfare on the timpani.
SANDURZ ....Mega Maid.
HELMET (mask up) Good.
SKROOB Remarkable.
HELMET Now, commence Operation: Vacu-suck.
EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE A finger
flips a switch on the vacuum to “ON.” The vacuum starts
up.
PLANET DRUIDIA - SURFACE - DAY The vacuum sucks
up snow off of a mountain. It sucks up trees out of a forest.
INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
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SKROOB, HELMET, &amp; SANDURZ Suck. Suck. Suck.
PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM DAY ROLAND is looking at a picture of VESPA. He is having trouble
breathing.
ROLAND Goodbye, little Vespa. My little baby,
Vespa. (faints)
INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE
VESPA The air bag, it's almost full.
LONE STARR We've gotta act fast. Step 1, we reverse
the vacuum and blow the air back on the planet; step 2, we destroy
that
thing.
VESPA But isn't that dangerous?
LONE STARR Extremely, plus, I don't know how the
hell we're gonna do it. BARF What about that ring Yogurt gave you?
LONE STARR Oh yeah. LONE STARR pulls the Schwartz
ring out of his pocket.
LONE STARR But....
BARF C'mon, boss, give it a shot.
LONE STARR Okay. Here goes nothing.
LONE STARR points the ring at the vacuum.
EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE The
switch on the vacuum starts to glow and move towards the reverse
part of
the vacuum.
VESPA(O.S.) Look at that. Wow.
BARF(O.S.) It....it's working.
VESPA(O.S.) C'mon Schwartz.
VESPA, BARF, &amp; DOT(O.S.) C'mon Schwartz. C'mon
Schwartz. C'mon Schwartz.
The switch flips over to the reverse part. The
vacuum starts blowing air back on the planet.
INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
SKROOB Helmet, what's going on?
HELMET (mask down) Sandurz, what's going on?
SANDURZ It's Mega Maid. She gone from suck to
blow.
HELMET and SANDURZ react.
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SKROOB What? They're getting all their air back.
(to Helmet) Do something. HELMET (to Sandurz) Do something.
SANDURZ (in microphone) Do something.
PLANET DRUIDIA - SURFACE - DAY The snow is dumped
back on the mountain. The trees are planted back in the same spots.
INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM - DAY Air starts to
come in. ROLAND wakes up.
ROLAND I'm breathing. Air. Air!
EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE EAGLE
5 flies in the ear of the head.
INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
LONE STARR Dim the lights.
BARF Dimming the lights. (hits a switch)
The lights go out.
LONE STARR Go to inferred.
BARF Going to inferred. (turns a knob)
LONE STARR Prey to God.
BARF Preying to God.
The inferred light comes on. The television monitor
shows a layout of the ear canal. It shows how the EAGLE 5 is
maneuvering
through the canal. LONE STARR turns on the scanning switch.
DOT Careful. Careful.
BARF What are you doin'?
LONE STARR Scanning. There's gotta be a selfdestruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.
The scanner looks around the ship.
LONE STARR I think we just found it. VESPA Where?
LONE STARR Watch.
LONE STARR hits a switch. The television monitor
shows a a red flashing button.
LONE STARR Bingo. There it is. It's right below
us. Put her in hover, Barf.
BARF Putting her hover.
LONE STARR I'm goin' down there. (walks toward
the door)
BARF He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.
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EXT. EAGLE - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
LONE STARR walks down the ladder. He walks over to the emergency
exit door.
He opens the door and walks in. When the door closes the silent
emergency
alarm goes off.
INT. MEGA MAID - EXT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM - SPACE
A GUARD is standing next to the door to the self destruct room. LONE
STARR
sneaks up on him and tries to knock him out with the Vulcan Neck
Pinch.
GUARD reacts.
GUARD (MILA) What the hell are you doin'?
LONE STARR The Vulcan Neck Pinch.
GUARD (MILA) No, no, stupid, you've got it much
too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
LONE STARR changes his hand position.
LONE STARR Like this?
GUARD (MILA) Yeah. (falls down unconscious)
LONE STARR Thanks. LONE STARR takes the key card
from the GUARD'S belt. He uses it in the panel to open the door. The
panel
opens up showing an outline of a hand.
PANEL'S VOICE Hand print identification, please.
Hand print identification, please.
PANEL'S VOICE keeps repeating. LONE STARR takes
the glove off the hand of the guard. He puts it in the outline. The
voice
stops. It scans the hand. A door opens next to the panel.
LONE STARR Thanks again. (knocks on Guard's helmet)
LONE STARR goes in the door.
INT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM - SPACE LONE STARR walks
in. He notices green bars guarding the self- destruct button.
SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Is that you Mila?
LONE STARR reacts. He points the Schwartz ring
at a can of Spaceballs-the Shaving Cream. It starts to move towards
him.
The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD reacts. He turns around to LONE STARR who
catches
the can.
SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Who are you? What are you
doing with that?
LONE STARR This.
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LONE STARR sprays shaving cream in the eyes of
the SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD. The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD screams and opens
his
mouth. LONE STARR sprays the cream down his mouth. The SELF-DESTRUCT
GUARD
falls down unconscious.
LONE STARR Sweat dreams.
LONE STARR takes the card off the SELF-DESTRUCT
GUARD'S belt. He inserts it into a panel and moves a switch to pull
up
the green bars. The green bars disappear. LONE STARR walks up to the
self-destruct
button. It says, “DO NOT PUSH UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY, MEAN
IT.”
LONE STARR begins to press the button.
HELMET (mask down) Not so fast, Lone Starr. (walks
in)
LONE STARR Helmet. So, at last we meet for the
first time for the last time. (thinks about what he said) Yeah.
HELMET Before you die, there is something you
should know about us, Lone Starr.
LONE STARR What?
HELMET I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's
former room-mate.
LONE STARR What's that make us?
HELMET Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are
about to become. Prepare to die.
HELMET puts his Schwartz ring on. He puts his
hands next to his crouch. A green light beam similar to a light
saber.
LONE STARR does the same.
HELMET You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz
is as big as mine.
Both look at their beams.
HELMET Now let's see how well you handle it.
HELMET walks over to LONE STARR and starts to
fight with him. They swipe at each other with their beams. HELMET
pulls
back a little too far and knocks off the sound manager from the
stage crew.
He screams and falls off a ledge. LONE STARR and HELMET stop
fighting.
HELMET Ummm, he did it.
LONE STARR What?
LONE STARR swipes at HELMET. HELMET blocks it.
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They start fighting again. They swipe at each other until their
beams become
twisted.
HELMET Shit. I hate it when I get my Schwartz
twisted. Okay, maybe if my put leg up on yours we can split apart.
HELMET puts his foot on LONE STARR'S leg.
HELMET Good, yeah. On three; one, two, three,
go.
HELMET and LONE STARR pull away from each other.
Their beams disappear. HELMET looks up and recreates his beam. He
points
it at LONE STARR. LONE STARR does the same and points his at HELMET.
They
move in closer. Their beams touch ends. They are trying to cause the
other
to lose their beam. HELMET loses his beam. LONE STARR swipes at
HELMET'S
helmet. It doesn't make a mark. He tries again, same. He tries
again, same.
HELMET lifts his mask up and laughs at him. LONE STARR'S beam
disappears.
He punches HELMET'S face. HELMET'S mask falls down. He recreates his
beam
and charges at LONE STARR. LONE STARR holds him back with his hand.
HELMET
swipes at him several times. LONE STARR lets go of HELMET. HELMET
runs
into a locker with his helmet.
HELMET So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well.
If there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must
than
I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there. (offers to shake his
hand)
LONE STARR goes to shake his hand. HELMET takes
the ring off LONE STARR'S hand.
HELMET The ring. I can't believe you fell for
the oldest trick in the book. What a goof. What's with you man? Come
on.
You know what? No, here let me give it back to you. (offers the ring
back)
LONE STARR goes up to get the ring back. HELMET
throws it in a grate. The ring goes in the grate. LONE STARR tries
to catch
it and falls to the grate.
HELMET Oh, look. You fell for that, too. I can't
believe it man.
LONE STARR gets up and runs to a corner.
HELMET So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will
always triumph, because good is dumb.
HELMET fires a green beam at LONE STARR. LONE
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STARR dodges. HELMET tries again. LONE STARR dodges. HELMET tries
again.
LONE STARR dodges. LONE STARR backs into another corner.
HELMET Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this
isn't the Wide World of Sports.
YOGURT'S VOICE Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr. Use
the Schwartz.
LONE STARR I can't. I lost the ring.
YOGURT'S VOICE(O.S.) Forget the ring. The ring
is pumpkin. I found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in
you, Lone
Starr. It's in you.
LONE STARR All right. I'll try.
HELMET Say goodbye to your two best friends, and
I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.
LONE STARR points his fist at a mirror on a shelf.
It starts to move towards him. HELMET fires another green beam at
his crouch.
LONE STARR catches the mirror, and cover his crouch. The beam
reflects
off the mirror to HELMET. It hits HELMET'S crouch. HELMET falls back
into
the self-destruct button and activates it.
SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the self-destruct
button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.
LONE STARR runs out of the room.
INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE An alarm starts going off.
Red lights start flashing. SKROOB and SANDURZ react.
SKROOB What's going on? Where the hell are we,
Paris?
SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the self-destruct
button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and
forty-five
seconds.
SKROOB You've got to stop it. Is there any to
stop it?
SANDURZ I can't. It's irreversible.
SKROOB Like my raincoat.
SANDURZ (in microphone) Attention. This is Colonel
Sandurz in forward command. Abandon ship. Abandon ship.
Everyone on the ship starts to panic and run like
crazy.
SANDURZ (in microphone) All personnel, proceed
to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. SelfHTTP://COPIONI.CORRIERESPETTACOLO.IT
destruct
mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.
SKROOB Sandurz, Sandurz, you've got to help me.
I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm the president.
SHIP'S VOICE This is your two minute warning.
This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.
SANDURZ Launch all escape pods as soon as they
are filled.
INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
VESPA What's happening? Where is he? Where is
he?
LONE STARR (walks in) Here. We've got a minute
and forty before the end of the world. Hang on.
EXT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
Two troopers come out of the emergency door with guns. They get
under the
EAGLE 5 and start firing at the floor.
INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
LONE STARR Full throttle.
BARF Full throttle. (pulls on throttle)
LONE STARR Go to hyperjets.
BARF Going to hyperjets. (pulls on hyper-lever)
EAGLE 5 takes off. Everyone inside is pushed back
with the sudden burst of speed.
INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE SANDURZ climbs the ladder
and looks in the first escape pod. He moves on to the next one.
SKROOB
follows him. He looks in the first pod.
SKROOB Hey, get outta there. Where do you think
you're going?
PIZZA GUY Pizza to go. (laughs)
The PIZZA GUY pulls on a lever. The door closes
from the top. The pod takes off. HELMET walks up a ladder to his
pod. A
bearded woman is getting into it.
HELMET Hey, hey, that's my escape pod. Who are
you?
BEARDED LADY I'm the bearded lady. What are you?
One of the freaks?
The BEARDED LADY knees HELMET in the crouch. She
laughs. She gets in the pod and takes off. HELMET looks in the
window of
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the door.
HELMET No. Come back you fat, bearded, bitch.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET don't notice a bear
getting in the last pod.
SKROOB One pod left, and three of us, and I'm
the president. Well boys it's a very lovely ship. I think you should
go
down with it. Good-bye.
SKROOB gets in the pod. He sits on the bear. He
tries to buckle the arms of the bear like there are a seat belt. He
looks
at the bear and reacts. The bear chases him out of the pod. The bear
closes
the door and waves at SKROOB. The pod takes off.
SHIP'S VOICE This ship will self destruct in twenty
seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
SKROOB Cancellation button? Hurry.
They all slide down a ladder. They run to the
center of the ship.
HELMET Where is it? Where is it. SANDURZ It's
gotta be here.
SANDURZ opens a panel to the self-destruct cancellation
button. It has a sign on that says, “OUT OF ORDER.”
SANDURZ Out of order?
HELMET Fuck. Even in the future nothing works.
SHIP'S VOICE This ship will self-destruct in exactly
ten seconds.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET react. They scrunch
up together.
SHIP'S VOICE Counting down. Ten, nine, eight,
six....
SKROOB Six? What happened to seven?
SHIP'S VOICE Just kidding.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET react.
INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE
They are driving close to the end of the canal.
VESPA There's the other end. Faster.
SHIP'S VOICE Seven, six, five....
INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE
SHIP'S VOICE ....four, three, two, one. Have a
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nice day.
SKROOB, SANDURZ, &amp; HELMET Thank you.
EXT. MEGA MAID - SPACE The EAGLE 5 comes out of
the opposite ear, and it starts to fly away. MEGA MAID explodes. The
EAGLE
5 just makes it out of the explosion.
VESPA(O.S.) We did it!
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE VESPA hugs BARF. DOT is dancing.
LONE STARR is cheering. VESPA turns to hug LONE STARR. They start to
kiss,
but they stop.
LONE STARR We all did it.
PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. EAGLE 5 - MORNING LONE STARR
and BARF are watching the news.
NEWS MAN ....so I guess you might call that a
case of man bites druid. (laughs) On a sadder note, Pizza the Hut
(famed
half-man, half-pizza) was found dead earlier today in the back seat
of
his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked
in
his car, and ate himself to death. Coming up, Pongo's review of
Rocky five....thousand.
Pongo.
BARF laughs and turns off the television.
BARF Did you here that? Pizza kicked the bucket.
Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for
ourselves.
LONE STARR Yeah.
EXT. PALACE - DAY EAGLE 5 flies in and circles
around the palace then lands on the ground.
INT. PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY The DOOR MAN opens
the door to let VESPA, LONE STARR, BARF, and DOT in. VESPA runs to
ROLAND.
VESPA Daddy. (runs to hug Roland) Oh, daddy.
ROLAND Vespa, my darling. I thought I'd never
see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that home
and
safe. And little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you.
ROLAND
reveals VALIUM asleep in a chair. A man who was talking to ROLAND
hits
VALIUM. VALIUM wakes up.
VALIUM Oh, hello. (yawns) Where've you been? EXT.
EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 is flying into space away from the camera.
EXT. DINER - SPACE EAGLE has landed on the platform.
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INT. DINER - SPACE A waitress is talking to the
cashier. The cashier gives her something.
WAITRESS Thanks, hon.
LONE STARR and BARF walk in. They sit at the bar.
The WAITRESS walks towards them. She gives them water.
WAITRESS (to Barf) Hi, big stuff. (to Lone Starr)
Hi, dream. (to both) What'll you have?
LONE STARR We've just got a few minutes while
were gasin' up. What's ready?
WAITRESS I can give the Space Soup or the Space
Special.
LONE STARR Ummmmm, I'll have the soup.
WAITRESS Okay. (writes the order)
BARF I'll have the cleavage, ur, the special.
WAITRESS Okay, I have one special and one soup.
The WAITRESS comes up behind them to a table. BARF'S TAIL is wagging
and
is going up the waitress's mini-skirt.
WAITRESS You ready to order? CUSTOMER Hi, yes.
We'll both have the luna fish.
WAITRESS Okay, anything to drink? (turns around)
Hey, hey, watch you're stickin' that thing.
BARF (turns around) Huh? Oh, look, it's got a
mind of it's own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it. (laughs)
The WAITRESS walks away to another table. BARF
howls like a dog. LONE STARR hits him.
BARF What?
Some people are sitting at the other end of the
bar. One of them is telling a story. One of them (JOHN HURT) is
eating.
GUY AT BAR We were lost. None of us knew where
we were. And then Harry began feelin' around on all the trees. And
then
he says, “I got it: we on Pluto. And we said, “Harry how
can
you tell?” He said, “From the bark you dummies. (laughs)
From
the bark. (laughs)
JOHN HURT starts to act like he's choking on his
food. Then he grabs his stomach like he has indigestion.
WOMAN AT BAR Is he all right?
GUY AT BAR Yeah, this guy digs me.
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JOHN HURT spits out some of his food. They lie
him down on the bar. LONE STARR and BARF look and react.
WOMAN AT BAR Bring some water.
GUY AT BAR Water my ass. Bring this guy some Pempto
Bismal.
BARF Waitress! Waitress, what did order?
The WAITRESS comes over to BARF. She looks over
to JOHN HURT.
WAITRESS Oh, he had the special. BARF The spec....
That's what I ordered. Change my order to the soup.
LONE STARR Good move.
Something is trying to push out of JOHN HURT'S
stomach. It eventually comes out. A little alien comes out of his
stomach.
It growls. JOHN HURT looks at it.
JOHN HURT Oh, no. Not again.
The ALIEN jumps out of his stomach on to Spaceballs-the
Placemat. Some people scream. The ALIEN growls again. Then, it puts
on
a little hat and starts to dance down the bar.
ALIEN Hello, my baby. Hello my honey. Hello my
rag-time gal. Sonny my pitched my wild. Baby my heart's on fire.
The ALIEN dances past LONE STARR and BARF. LONE
STARR and BARF react.
ALIEN If you refuse me, honey, you lose me, then
you'll be left alone. Oh baby, telephone and tell I'm your own.
The ALIEN goes through doors in the wall. The
doors close behind him. LONE STARR and BARF stand up.
LONE STARR &amp; BARF Check please.
EXT. CHAPLE - DAY The sing outside says, “TODAY,
THE ROYAL WEDDING OF PRINCESS VESPA TO PRINCE VALIUM, TAKE
TWO.”
INT. CHAPLE - DAY ROLAND and VESPA are standing
next to each other. DOT is behind VESPA. The USHER walks in.
USHER Five minutes to magic time.
ROLAND Are you all right, my dear. You look a
little fighty.
VESPA Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely
over him. Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his
million
spacebucks and ran.
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ROLAND He didn't take the million.
VESPA He didn't?
ROLAND No. He just took two hundred and forty-eight
spacebucks for lunch, gas, and tolls.
INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE
BARF I still can't believe you turned down the
money. At least we could've stayed for the wedding feast. I'm
starvin'.
Have you got anything to eat.
LONE STARR Na. Oh, wait. Yogurt gave me that fortune
cookie. (gets the cookie out of his pocket) Here, chow down. (hands
it
to Barf)
BARF (takes it) Wow, thanks. I'll split it with
ya.
LONE STARR No.
BARF Okay.
BARF opens the cookie. A stream of gold glitter
comes out of the cookie and flies over the doorway. LONE STARR and
BARF
react. The stream stops at the doorway. It turns into YOGURT. He has
gold
glittery streams coming out of him.
LONE STARR &amp; BARF Yogurt.
YOGURT Hello, boys. Well, you opened your fortune
cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion
that
you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means?
LONE STARR takes the medallion out of his shirt.
YOGURT Well, here's what it means: it's a royal
birth certificate. Yes. Your father was a king. Your mother was a
queen.
Which makes you a certified prince.
LONE STARR Hey, I'm a prince. I'm a prince. Which
means....
YOGURT Which means, if you hurry, there could
be a princess in your future. Now, if you want to get back there
before
she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's and special can of fuel in your
glove
compartment. Good luck, boys.
BARF Bye, Yogurt.
LONE STARR And, Yogurt, thanks.
YOGURT You're welcome. And my the Schwartz be
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with you..... (starts to fade away) .....oh...oh....what a world,
what
a world. (completely fades out)
LONE STARR Barf, open that glove compartment.
BARF You got it, your highness.
BARF opens the glove compartment and pulls out
a can of Liquid Schwartz.
BARF Wow, Liquid Schwartz.
LONE STARR Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.
BARF Right.
BARF opens the emergency tank lid in the floor.
He pours the Liquid Schwartz in the tank. As he pours, the tank
starts
to glow yellow.
LONE STARR Look at that.
BARF Done.
BARF closes the lid and sits up.
LONE STARR Hang on, Barfo, we're gonna make space-tracks.
(turns the wheel shapely)
EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE turns around sharply
and leaves space-tracks where it turned.
EXT. MEGA MAID'S HEAD - ORBIT OF PLANET OF THE
APES - SPACE The head falls toward the planet. SKROOB, SANDURZ, and
HELMET
are screaming.
PLANET OF THE APES - BEACH - DAY The head falls
toward the beach and crashes on the sand. Two apes riding horses
ride towards
the head. They stop when they see something moving.
1ST APE Dear me, what are those things coming
out of her nose?
The 2ND APE looks through binoculars. He sees
SANDURZ on the ground, HELMET is climbing down a rope, followed by
SKROOB.
SKROOB steps on HELMET'S helmet.
HELMET (mask up) Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
The 2ND APE stops looking in the binoculars.
2ND APE Spaceballs?
1ST APE Oh shit, there goes the planet.
INT. CHAPLE - ALTAR - DAY The minister is conducting
the wedding ceremony.
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MINISTER Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
together (pause) again....
VESPA (to Roland) Why didn't you tell he didn't
take the money?
ROLAND I didn't think it was important.
MINISTER May I continue, please?
ROLAND Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
MINISTER Thank you. ....to join Princess Vespa
and Princess Valium. I'm sorry, it's the hair. Prince Valium in the
bonds
of holy matrimony.
VESPA I see it all now. Don't you see he loves
me?
MINISTER Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding
here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.
VESPA I'm sorry.
ROLAND I'm sorry.
VALIUM I'm sorry, too.
MINISTER Don't be sorry, be quiet.
VESPA, ROLAND, &amp; VALIUM I'm sorry.
MINISTER ....to join Princess Vespa and Prince
Valium in the bonds of holy....
EAGLE 5 flies over.
MINISTER ....moly.
AUDIENCE reacts.
MINISTER Matrimony.
VESPA That's him. I know it's him. He's come back.
MINISTER That's it. We're gonna take no more chances
and to do it with the short version. (faster) Do you Prince Valium
take
Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife.
VALIUM (yawns) Uh-huh.
MINISTER (fast) Princess Vespa, do you take Prince
Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband.
VESPA Uh....well....I suppose. Oh, I don't know.
LONE STARR and BARF walk in the doorway behind
everybody.
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LONE STARR No, she doesn't
MINISTER What?
ALL react. LONE STARR and BARF walk down the aisle.
He stops half way.
MINISTER Who the hell are you?
LONE STARR Prince Lone Starr.
VESPA Prince?
LONE STARR I just found out. That's what this
says. I'm an honest to God prince. Will you marry me?
VESPA Well, let me think about it. (pushes Valium)
Yes.
LONE STARR walks onto the altar.
MINISTER I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn
who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today. (to Barf) Who are
you?
BARF I'm the best man.
MINISTER What's you name?
BARF Barf.
MINISTER Your full-name.
BARF Barfolomew.
MINISTER Are the one getting married?
BARF No.
MINISTER Then get over there.
BARF reacts and moves to the left of the altar.
MINISTER Okay. Here we go, the short-short version.
(to Lone Starr) Do you?
LONE STARR Yes.
MINISTER Do you?
VESPA Yes.
MINISTER Good. You're married. Kiss her.
LONE STARR I love you.
VESPA I love you.
LONE STARR and VESPA kiss. AUDIENCE applaud. BARF
starts to cry.
DOT Well, (sniff) good-bye Virgin Alarm.
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EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 takes off into space.
It has, “JUST MARRIED” written on the back. The jets are
leaving
a stream of gold glitter behind. They form the words, “MAY THE
SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOU.”
ROLL MAIN CAST and CREDITS.
THE END
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